Suz Place

Strategies to survive Holiday dinners, family Events and other war zones

2010-10-23T01:12:00.000+02:00

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No matter how well we may have weathered our basic training, nothing can fully prepare us for the front lines of family gatherings. We're in the thick of it, dodging live ammunition, and fighting the urge to return to our old, reliable patterns that helped us to survive while we were growing up. We may have mastered our relationship skills in one-on-one relationships. We may have improved our romantic relationships, our professional relationships and our friendships. And we may have even improved our family relationships--one family member at a time. But when we're sitting around the holiday dinner table or socializing at a wedding reception with our entire family, it's an entirely different experience.

For one thing, when we're with our entire family, we have to juggle a number of different relationships at the same time. Our attention is divided at best, and for many of us, our awareness deserts us completely after the first major skirmish. We feel like we're surrounded and have to defend ourselves from sneak attacks. We often feel that retreat is not an option. When we are cornered, we often believe that the only way that we can survive is to fight our way out, new relationship skills be damned.

While most people assume that General Sherman was referring to the Civil War when he stated, "War is hell," in fact, he was referring to a particularly memorable Thanksgiving dinner with his family. This also explains why he could send his troops into battle without a second thought, but that the very mention of cranberry sauce would reduce him to tears.

Bearing this in mind, here are some essential tips for surviving your next family gathering.

TIP #1: Go Easy On Yourself!

The first, and most important survival tip is to remember that navigating and surviving family gatherings takes exceptional skill and often quite a bit of practice. We will not be able to transform our entire family dynamic between the salad course and the pumpkin pie. In fact, we may not be able to change our family dynamic at all--and it's important that we accept that we don't need to. It's not our responsibility to help our family members resolve their issues. We're only responsible for resolving our responses to their issues. Our objective is to maintain our own safety and validation accounts, focus our awareness, and survive the family event reasonably unscathed.

However, maintaining our awareness while we're relating to our families takes practice! We must go easy on ourselves. We may react when we would rather respond. We may be drawn into old arguments. Whatever happens, we need to accept that it is perfect. We are doing our best, and that's all we can ever ask of ourselves. And remember that our awareness that we're acting out an old pattern is, in itself, a change in that pattern! As we develop our awareness, we will spend less time caught in our old patterns. Over time, our awareness will help us to make lasting and permanent changes in those patterns.

Tip #2: Go Easy On Your Family

This piece of advice is equally as important as going easy on ourselves, but it's often a bit more challenging to follow. Essentially, we must be willing to forgive our relatives for everything. We must be able to accept that they only ever did the best they could at any given time. We need to begin to recognize and relate to our families as people instead of as family members. We need to begin to know them for who they are, and not simply for who they are to us.

When we embrace the truth that even our family members are individualized aspects of All That Is, our relationships with our families will shift dramatically. Our family members are some of the most powerful teachers we will ever encounter in our lives. They also tend to be the most accurate and powerful mirrors for us, which, of course, is why we often find it so difficult to love and accept our family members unconditionally. In order to love our family members, we would also need to be able to love and accept ourselves.

Even so, we can love our family members unconditionally and still only choose to sit down to eat with them once a year.

Tip #3: Use The Bathroom As A Sanctuary When Needed

In our other relationships, we can usually recognize when we feel unsafe and move to a safe space so we can disengage our egos. Once we restore the balance in our safety account, we can return to the discussion and explore it without feeling threatened--and without threatening our partner in return. When we feel unsafe in our family relationships, however, many of us feel that we're obligated to stay and fight. This is simply not the case.

When we are aware that we feel triggered by a family member, we can simply choose to excuse ourselves and visit the bathroom. The bathroom is the one place that we can be assured of our privacy, and we can stay there as long as we need to. We can use the bathroom as a sanctuary where we can regain our composure and gather our strength so that we feel safe enough to return to the battle. If any of our family members are indelicate enough to comment on how much time we seem to be spending in the bathroom, we can always plead an upset stomach or a weak bladder.

Tip #4: Lose The Battle To Win The War

We have to be very clear about our objectives in terms of our family relationships. If our ultimate goal is to improve our family relationships, we have to be willing to stay focused on the big picture. The most difficult lesson for most of us to accept is that in order to win the war, we have to be willing to lose the battle. Our long-term objective is to feel more safe and more validated in our family relationships. To reach this goal, we must help our family members to feel safe and validated. In order to do this, we must be absolutely clear that we are capable of meeting our own safety and validation needs.

We often experience our families as competitive environments. Our old blueprints tell us that there's a limited amount of safety and validation available, and that we must compete with the other members of our family to meet our needs. We insult and snipe at each other because we can only feel safe and validated if the balance in our accounts is greater than the balance in everyone else's accounts. The more we care about earning other people's approval and validation, the more vulnerable we are. When one of our family members makes a comment designed to make us feel less valid, we do not need to defend ourselves. We can recognize that this person is asking to be validated, and we can validate them. Sometimes, this means letting them think that we are less successful, accomplished, and generally wonderful than we truly are.

We must be willing to lose every single family argument we encounter. Letting our family members win the argument allows them to feel safe and validated. As long as we remember that we create our own safety and validation, and we do not need to compete with our family members, we can lose the argument because it will help us to win the war. We must let our family members believe that they are right about whatever the issue is, no matter how blatantly wrong they actually are.

We know the truth. That will have to be enough for us.

Tip #5: Always, Ever, Never

If we want to relate to our family members as they are now and not as we remember them being in the past, we must eliminate three words from our vocabulary: always, ever and never. In the lexicon of family "discussions," always, ever and never are relationship air-raid sirens. They signal that an attack has been launched and it's time to duck and cover. Specifically, we must avoid some of our favorite statements in our family relationships such as, "You always behave this way," "When have you ever supported me?" and "You never give me any credit." If we find ourselves using any of these words in a similar context, it's a red flag that we're focused on the past and not on the present. Likewise, when our family members use these words about us, they're relating to us as we were, not as we are.

As soon as we become aware that we are using these words, we must stop. It's likely that our use of these words has made our family member feel unsafe and invalid. We can apologize for having used one of these words, and acknowledge that we have been unfair. Something about the current discussion has triggered an unpleasant association for us. If appropriate, we can rephrase the statement, keeping it specific to the present.

If we're on the receiving end of always, ever, never statements, we can choose to respond, rather than to react. In the middle of a family get-together, the wisest choice is often to deflect the statement, perhaps even acknowledge that the statement may have some validity when applied to the past, and then change the subject. If the discussion has uncovered an old wound, the wound will still be there for us to heal at a more appropriate time and in a more appropriate environment.

Kevin B. Burk is the author of The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve [http://www.EveryRelationship.com/HANDBOOK/ index.html]Every Relationship in Your Life [http://www.EveryRelationship.com/HANDBOOK/index.html]. Visit http://www.EveryRelationship.com for a FREE Report on creating Amazing Relationships.

Numerologis family code-how to treat your friends and family

2010-10-22T16:10:00.000+02:00

Do you want to know how you typically interact with friends and family? Numerology can show you how you tend to interact with family and friends. We just have to calculate your family numbers.

Calculate your family number

Service number family come from a specific branch of Numerology I call Yantra or Magic Square Numerology.It consists of construct a magic square with your birth date, number, and then interpret the values in the Special dialog boxes in the square.

Your family number found by your life Path number, add the (2), and then reduce the result by fadic. We reduce not master numbers (11, 22) if they will.

For example, the actor Johnny Depp was born on 9th June 1963, so his family number would be calculated as follows:

Life Path number = (1 + 9 + 1963) = (1978) = (25) = (7)

Family Number = (path to Life + 2) = (7 + 2) = (9)

Below are listed the values family numbers and their meanings.

Family number (1)

You put your own wishes and needs ahead of desires and needs of your family; you are self-sufficient in terms of family and will comply with your own wishes.People tend to find you, selfish and demanding in your relationships with them.This is a blind spot for you, because you cannot see these qualities in yourself.

Family number (2)

You have a great need to be surrounded by loving friends and family. You draw security and inner peace from the harmonic band of many friends and love those around you; your success is linked to their happiness, as you can out of your way to make the other happy; you can never have too many friends.

Family number (3)

You tend to take on the role of the organiser in dealing with family and friends; to coordinate parties, gatherings and other group tours; you prefer informal conversation and relationships with most of the people, and try to avoid deeply involved substances.You also tend to avoid doing the dirty work.responsible for the Group's operations.

Family number (4)

You tend to take on the work in relation to family and friends, volunteer work to keep all contact, maintain the directory of addresses and email for your family, and community organizations.Staying at the praise for your efforts, and tend to irritate people by telling all the work you do.You fulfill an important role to play with your friends and relatives, but it is not always the love you for.

Family number (5)

Do you want to surprise your family and friends with your actions.You can organize a surprise party for a friend or call them at odd hours, you can suggest a road trip to some exotic languages or shopping on the spur of the moment; in fact stop your ideas can be expensive or impractical rarely you.You create a lively atmosphere for the group.

Family number (6)

You are very caring and supportive of family and friends, you are so devoted to their well-being that you will make great sacrifices, do what it takes to protect them; This can be taken to an error, you tend to be over-protective of second and suspend their attempt at independence.

Family number (7)

You are loving but detached from family and friends; to express your deepest feelings is very difficult for you; you need time on your own, away from friends and family, in order to manage your personal thoughts. you also tend to be a perfectionist around your close friends, they find it annoying, but they put up with it.

Family number (8)

You are driven to succeed in business and finance with friends and family, a family-owned company or a partnership with close friends is an ideal place for you; you may tend to be a workaholic in these situations; pull back and spend a couple of pure leisure time with friends and family when the time arises, you are also the person in the family are likely to inherit money.

Family number (9)

If you love your family and friends, are you more likely to help a perfect stranger than a family member, you are called to many humanitarian causes, churches, charities and the like, you will tend to ignore the needs of the family or friends until they cry out for help, Then do you come charging for rescuing. When the crisis is over, you will be taken back to your old habits; you have a tendency to make friends easily, most often with those who will call if you are using.

Family number (11)

You beautify family life and friendship to the point where reality never measures to your dreams, you are constantly with disappointment when reality and human nature,. you like to help the people you care about, and see the amazing intuition when it comes to remote sensing when something is wrong with your loved ones.

Keith Abbott is the developer and owner of "Numerology 4 You" where you can order your own Numerology reading, including your personal Lucky number. visit him on the Web today on http://www.numerology4you.com

Dead in the Family (Sookie Stackhouse, Book 10)

2010-10-22T05:08:00.000+02:00

The #1 New York Times bestselling Sookie Stackhouse series- the basis for HBO(r)'s True Blood-continues!

After enduring torture and the loss of loved ones during the brief but deadly Faery War, Sookie Stackhouse is hurt and she's angry. Just about the only bright spot in her life is the love she thinks she feels for vampire Eric Northman. But he's under scrutiny by the new Vampire King because of their relationship. And as the political implications of the Shifters coming out are beginning to be felt, Sookie's connection to the Shreveport pack draws her into the debate. Worst of all, though the door to Faery has been closed, there are still some Fae on the human side-and one of them is angry at Sookie. Very, very angry...

Price: $25.95

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Health, Wealth And The Pursuit Of Family

2010-10-21T17:08:00.000+02:00

Where has our families?

Family Unit

What are the grounds for the search for health and wealth without including family? Man was supposed to find a family atmosphere, the son, daughter, spouse. The spirit of the family depends on collaboration and learning, that prepares people for social equality.

Family begins in love, marriage, and establishes a as old as humanity itself, consisting of the husband, wife and children social order; it is within this structure, in which children learn responsibility, values, standards, work ethics, love and the meaning of life, Mum and dad also teach some values that are contained in their education decision-making, perseverance, praise and correction as they raise their children. It is important for the parent to learn as a child.

It is an example of a life sentence

The true meaning of life and the reason for that is derived from the family nucleus.It is within the family structure which connects to other people is learned, practiced and most appreciated. Children learn to deal with that decision, the true meaning of respect and the consequences of wrong doing.

Although there has been much written about family attributes very little has been discussed on the value of the family in society, it is within.Society as a whole, imitates the values, beliefs and feelings for the families that it contains. When the family is the crime, the society also the crime.But let us save the correlation between the family and society for another article.

By raising offspring

The family has the most influence on the total life experience, Children learn habits he will continue throughout the life of their contact with the family; Granted takes outside peer pressure sometimes child astray from the family structure. A well structured family shows unity, love, commitment, dedication, a United peace of mind against each other as a model for the whole world to see. face headships Families and submissions as they develop and design the obvious perimeters for characterization as a result We train children; their faith and manage outside persuasive pressure.

Family relationships adopt meaningful and Honorable communications within and without. When members of one family are agreed that an idea, they are prepared to defend their principles.They are also more willing to engage in lengthy discussions in order to solve important issues.

Provides a good basis

The family provides greater security and stability of each of its members.Both parents and children to find solace in the fact that they have a willingness to be defined and a firm foundation.Uncertainty is kept to a minimum and children an equal number of worrying surprises in the discipline.

Family atmosphere provides constant reminders of the importance of values and the need for rules makes it possible to prioritize what is most important.The rules must be followed, as clear standards lead to misunderstood obedience. Authority and order, play an important part of the structure and success of the family as a unit.

It is in the caring atmosphere in the family where members will be able to express and show a greater love and comfort against each other in times of sorrow upon them; they come together as one in harmony and support; this experience will teach how to be subjected to stress and still retain the power of adversity.A good family also understands the value of spending meaningful time together and caring practices.

Through the wisdom years

Fathers and mothers bring wisdom to their children when it comes to the economy, health, and commitment to the goal.They learn to seek understanding when meaningful goals and prioritize against defined goals.They acknowledge the individually by each Member, while still maintaining the integrity of the groups balance. Discover the differences between each Member and accept these differences provides a lesson in life, simplicity and worldly expressions; Also understand and make a determination to take care of each other in an invitation to tender and affectionate way-by disease and health-death and untold accident-as well as moments of joy and triumph.They are linked to another by band and date of birth, is the recognition that no two are alike in their relationship clear and respected.

There is glory of family relationships that extends only to the family, and then to the other of this glory can be found in their obedience, understanding, respect, responsibility, praise and, above all, love for each other; People confirm glory by how they look at others, possessions, and God's creation, for other than themselves.

Will the strength of personality

Family based personality forces as they experience the differences between men and women in their commitment to each other and how they actively strive to keep this commitment alive; A deeper understand the value in another person's point of view and the thought process becomes apparent when the individual family member grows and matures; this is a natural reaction to increasing the understanding and appreciation of other conceptions by their own family influences.

Family atmosphere will teach how to handle anger as they encounter unhealthy anger with respect and love for each other; they learn if they are slow to speak, and quick to listen, anger slows; A family is a support unit, ready to fend off any outside attack. internal dynamics of a family are dictating the set values in turn take views of external stimuli. How a family believe is also how the individual Member thinks.

Why is the modern family in decline?

Modern families seem to be in decline and also civilization itself is in decline; When the backbone of civilization becomes broken becomes civilization crippled and non functional; We must protect the family and the creation of this important institution as an example of our national values and commitment to our own culture.

Next, wealth, health, and the quest for Finance.

Happy Trails.

Donald Yates, Former head of the Business and LeaderSHIP Development for Imperial, is now retired but continues to help young people to engage life through self discovery, Life course planning, intuitiveness and execution; learn how to build a strong organization of your own; for more information, visit

[http://www.clean4profit.com]

http://www.rockeriders.com

Specify the target as a family-succeed as a family

2010-10-21T07:49:00.000+02:00

Set family financial goals, that allows each Member to participate, can be a powerful force. Personal goals that only changed lives and when you have each Member of the family work together it will improve your results.

More family members who are working towards a common objective, the faster you will achieve results; When the whole family working against financial goals can be a bonding experience that everyone can understand.

Work towards the family financial objectives for families closer together.You will find that your family will begin to function as a unit with a view to achieving the financial objectives; Many top companies, sports teams, charities and sororities share common financial goals which all involved closer together; it works for them, let the power of family financial objectives of the work for you.

What family destination setting.

A family targets should be set for all areas of your life including: health, personal growth, spiritual/religious and life goals; This article will focus on the family financial goals, but you can easily set up a mechanism to cover the remaining areas of your life, every single person in the family should once again put their own personal goals and have the full support of the family.

By entering the family financial goals and work as a family to achieve financial freedom, all involved a sense of purpose and a good thing to work against. Children, parents and other members of the extended family will all benefit from aid to pursue the family destination.

How to set up the family financial objectives.

Set family financial goals begins with identifying the destination as your family want to do. Take some time to figure out what motivates all. Perhaps a family member to have a vacation home on the beach, another person to retire next year and another Member to have sufficient financial security, to take a month off each year of the family's holiday; find out what everyone dreams about, because this will help you understand each other's goals and are you more because of it.

When you have an understanding of what each family member to it's time to adjust your goals.Perhaps you'd like to learn more about investing, to increase your savings, shareasale, as new car or just want more money for a rainy day. The bottom line is that everyone in your family has to do its part; When all work with a common goal to achieve financial freedom, and then everyone's lives are improving. The ability to put family financial goals and reach family destination will improve all aspects of you personally and your family as a whole.

Family financial targets that works.

Effective goal setting techniques available that makes it possible for your family to maximize the effectiveness of your financial goals.A good technology as a means to accomplish your goals is to create them using S.M.A.R.T method.

-S "significant & special. For more detailed, you can make your family targets the closer you are to achieve them; This gives you a clear goal to shoot and when you can see what you are aiming to have a much better chance to hit the bull's-eye.

Make sure that your family financial targets significant. they must mean something for your family so that they are motivated to achieve them.Set a goal to save for a gallon of gas is probably not motivate people but if it was to save gas for a weekend trip now is another story.Remember, children, adolescents and young adults is justified on the grounds of Lifestyle not money.So don't forget to relate money to be able to provide the type of Lifestyle your family want to live.

-M-silent screams & Social risks.Create measurable objectives will allow your family to celebrate when you achieve them, do target setting, fun and a real bonding experience.

Family financial goals you establish should be inspiring for the whole family; Create motivational aims to move the family to participate.

-A huge and Dream achieved. be realistic.You can be anything you order; however, a growing Gill's so you can swim underwter probably won't happen.

-R-results-oriented, recital & nearby; a way to maximize the effectiveness of your family financial objectives are to phrase your goals in positive.Using the results-oriented words such as "Completed", will be "I received" or "I have," control your mind to focus on the result.Focus on results is one of the most important steps to becoming financially free.

Your family financial objectives should include the reasons for "are you sure you want to money for College, a pleasant holidays, etc., those are the reasons behind the goals we want to accomplish them.Money doesn't matter is what money for us that matters.

Family financial objective must relate to each other so the family serves as a single entity; set up powerful family financial goals begins with ensuring that everyone's goal is in the same direction and do not contradict each other; for example, if a family targets taking a family trip to the beach next weekend and another goal is to work as a weekend to save more money "conflict exists.

-T-Time; your family financial objectives should be allowed a period; decide on a certain period of time as you push each other to perform them by a certain date.

Take an evening and sit down together for dinner with no interruption. Get all dreams, goals and ambitions; Find a way to adjust your goals to create a dynamic family in need of objective along each of the objectives you set, and perform together will give all the details.

Vince Shorb, America's young adults money coach, specializing in providing real financial lessons. After examination of the personal, more than 10,000 personal accounts and after advice thousand of client's way of improving their economic future, he provides practical financial advice for your home in its latest course "Economic freedom" 30. Visit http://www.freeby30.com for more information and free money tips.

Seven tips for creating WIN-win for the family and owners and non-family managers

2010-10-20T21:13:00.000+02:00

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As family owned companies grow and prosper from one generation to another, it is not uncommon for them to bring in non-family executives to round out the expertise of family members. When family businesses survive well into the third and fourth generations, there are generally more non-family executives than there are family executives involved in the company. Consequently, there are hundreds of thousands of non-family executives working in family businesses across the country. While the role of this executive is one of the most critical roles in growing family enterprises, it is often considered one of the most confusing and complex.

It has been my good fortune to learn what non-family executives want, directly from the nearly 100 of these business executives that I've coached, interviewed, and surveyed over the past decade. Additionally, I have personally served as a non-family executive, and have reported directly to four different non-family chief executive officers. I have also had the opportunity to talk to many family owners as well, and it is my conclusion that in order for families to successfully pass from one generation to the next and for businesses to flourish, there must be a win-win for family owners and for non-family executives.

To create a win-win for family owners and for non-family executives, family owners must:

1. Find the right person for the job

Due diligence is critical when looking for someone with the right fit to be a non-family business associate for your company. Successful non-family associates should have all of the following characteristics:

A. Be competent and have a proven track record of success in your industry or a similar one.

B. Have the ability to stand up to the family when needed, and the judgment to know when it is not, because although a healthy ego is good, arrogance is not.

C. Have empathy for the family owners because the owners' names are on the door, not the name of the non-family executive.

D. Understand that a family firm is different from a public company with regard to goals, dreams and hopes for both the family and the business.

2. Speak with one voice

If 10 different family members tell a non-family executive to do 10 different things 10 different ways, the executive cannot possibly win and neither can the family. That's why it is critical for the family to get together and decide who will be their official "voice". It could be the chairman of the board of directors or the chairman of the family council, but it is imperative that this leader solicit feedback from all relatives involved in the business and for the family to reach consensus, if possible, before directing non-family executives. If the family owners do not have an owners council or a family council, that should be the very first order of business. The saying: "United we stand, divided we fall" has great relevance for families who want their businesses to prosper. There are many books on how to start a council, as well as consultants who can help you.

3. Be able to share your vision for the family and the business

You should be able to clearly articulate your vision for both the family and the business to the potential non-family executive early in the interview process. In order for executives to be able to move your company in the direction you want to go, they need to know your vision for the family. Do you want the business to last from one generation to the next, or do you want to get the business ready to sell? They also need to know your vision for the business. Do you want the business to grow incrementally over time, taking few risks, or are you comfortable growing quickly while taking lots of risks? Again, the key is having an active council comprised of family members so that the family and ownership group can come to a clear understanding around their vision, and then share this with all stakeholders in the system including the non-family executives.

4. Reward non-family executives fairly

While making a healthy profit is the motive for most businesses, it might be equally important for some business owners to make sure that any family member who wants to work in the business can. While that can be an acceptable priority, if the result is the company has to keep a low-functioning relative employed and this affects profitability, this could be experienced as unfair to a non-family execs if their bonus is based on profitability. If having family members employed in the business is important to the owners, the family should make it a goal for the non-family associate, and the bonus should have a mechanism to reflect meeting that goal in addition to profitability. In addition, my research indicates that while non-family executives appreciate financial rewards, they also value non-financial rewards, such as being invited to family functions and being given creative gifts or acknowledgements. One very enterprising family had a proclamation signed by the entire family board to congratulate the non-family chief executive for meeting his goals.

5. Give your non-family associates the opportunity to hear what you want

Many successful non-family associates claim family owners are their greatest resource. By taking the opportunity to truly listen to the family, non-family business managers and leaders have been able to give the family exactly what they wanted. It is up to you to invite the non-family executives to meet with you formally and informally so you can talk to them and get to know them. Formally, the non-family associates should be invited to family council meetings both to speak and to listen. Informally, you could invite the them to dinner the opening night of your assembly meeting or to lunch just prior to a board meeting. The main point is for you to understand them and for them to understand you. As Stephen Covey says, "The deepest need of the human soul is to be understood."

6. Do not gossip

As tempting as it might be to tell your executives not to be concerned about the "piddling issues" of your "little sister" when you are frustrated with her, you do your sister and your non-family executives a great disservice if you do. If the non-family managers see you downplaying her importance to the business, they might start doing the same thing, or worse yet, they might feel as if they have to take sides. The same goes for talking behind the backs of your fellow non-family executives.

7. Respect your non-family business members

Famous psychologist Dr. Murray Bowen has been credited with saying: "We cannot respect another person enough." This is particularly true of non-family business members. While the family that owns the business is extremely important, so are the families of the non-family business members. Do not forget that these executives, while involved with your family, have families of their own, and a range of interests and priorities outside the company. You are correct that the executives should earn your respect, but again the burden of finding the right executive is on you. Be sure to follow the criteria above and bring respectable non-family executives into your family business, so that you can respect them, and they can respect you.

Conclusion

Some non-family executives have said that joining a family business feels more like being adopted or marrying in than being hired because they realize they are playing influential roles in the family as well as the business. There is no doubt that non-family executives are crucial to the success of your family business, and a win for your non-family executives is a win for you. In the end, success is always about having great relationships. My experience has taught me that the relationship between family owners and non-family executives is one of the most precious in any thriving family business. To borrow from an old saying: "Take care of your non-family executives, and they'll take care of you."

Dr. JoAnne Norton, an associate with the Family Business Consulting Group, specializes in advising large, multi-generational family businesses. She works with families to improve communication, to develop the next generation of leaders, and to coach non-family executives.

A former non-family executive herself, JoAnne understands the unique challenges faced by executives who are not owners but are working in someone else's family business. For more than a decade, she was the vice president of shareholder relations for Freedom Communications, a family-owned media company, where she worked with the 65 family owners and served on the leadership teams of four different non-family CEOs. Few professionals share JoAnne's unique experience establishing a shareholder relations department dedicated to family governance, leadership training and coaching.

JoAnne is the author of several articles on how to improve relations between non-family CEOs of family businesses and family owners. She also has written "Bringing Bowen Theory to Family Business," which will appear in the forthcoming book, Bringing Systems Thinking to Life. A frequent speaker at university family business centers across the country and national industry conferences, JoAnne has presented at the Family Business Network meeting in Cannes, France, and the Graduate School of Banking at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

As an adjunct professor for seven years at California State University, Fullerton, JoAnne created the family business dynamics course for the College of Business and Economics. She earned a doctorate in organizational leadership from Pepperdine University and did post-graduate work at the Georgetown Family Center. JoAnne grew up in a successful second-generation family business in the Midwest, where she learned the complexities of maintaining harmonious relationships, as well as the importance of maintaining good communication, by observing her father, mother and two uncles.

Family Movie-find DVD Movie Club for your family

2010-10-20T11:29:00.000+02:00

Are you looking for a good online family film Club or family review?

Family movies sell lots of tickets at the box office and each year there are one or several blockbuster movies, family movies.

But with the high price of movie tickets and concessions, watching movies on the DVD as a family movie night in the comfort of your home, quickly became very popular.

Online DVD Movie Clubs

Are online there are a number of DVD movie clubs with family movies in their rental library, but only a few actually specialise in providing quality family fare.

While other companies produce some family pictures, no one has come close to the huge library of movies that Disney has given us.

Walt Disney brought us at Steamboat Willie in 1928 with Mickey Mouse and 1973, Disney Studios gave us snow white, the first feature-length animated film.

Disney Movie Club

Disney Movie Club offers online their signature classic movies, the latest releases, for school videos, sing a long video and other popular family basis.

The film Clubs

Other online family movie clubs include family pass (formerly known as Mentura) which bills itself as "your ticket to the family entertainment."Family Passport carries a wide selection of movies, TV shows, educational, and home school videos and spiritual fare. All addressed to a family audience.

Edited film

Another popular source of films suitable for family viewing will come from companies that specialize in editing videos remove profanity, excessive force and more adult situations.

Club members can rent the edited version of the popular films, which can otherwise be much smaller than the family-friendly.

Online clubs to edit movies include CleanFilms, Flick's Club, family edited DVD and CleanFlix to name a few.

DVD Software filter

A company called ClearPlay offers DVD software which removes the graphic violence, profanity and more adult situations.Movie filter used for specific movies and ClearPlays list continues to grow.

Family movie reviews

Online is also a great place to discover family movie review sites that help parents to decide what movie to see in theatres or on DVD.

Foundation Dove, long a family movie fan, provides online film and video reviews, And if you are out shopping for movies or videos in your favorite store, you can look for Foundation Dove seal of approval and (much like the "Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval"); Foundation Dove Seal is shared only to the films and videos that meet certain standards for family viewing and has screened and reviewed by the Dove Foundation reviewer.

Other movie reviews available online includes The Family Style Movie Guide, Movie MOM, screen it!, family Cow, grading movies, Kids In Mind and Ted Baehr MovieGuide which examines and interest rates for movies from a Christian value tripods.

Family Movie Night

Watching movies at home on DVD as a special night for the whole family has been very popular.

Why spend a small fortune with your family to see a movie in a theatre where you can have quality fun time in your own home? you are controlling the films your family looks with a particular movie night; No more nasty surprises!, and you are guaranteed the best seat in the House.

DVD Movie Club

It is easy to join an online film Club that offers films for the family, or even better "compete" in family films and video.

So take a look at what is available on the Internet and join a club that family film; most offer a variety of special benefits to Club members that make online club membership is very convenient and affordable.

Then pick up some delicious popcorn and some other goodies and start the wonderful tradition of family movie night in your home, a tradition that you and your children will remember fondly for years to come.

And remember that some of the best and most popular videos all time have been the family movies.

If you want to know more visit http://fun-dvd-movie-club.blogspot.com/2008/08/blockbuster-dvd.html right now

How to create a family tree software and website reviews

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"Darling! Where is my grandfather's certificate of birth?"

"You think it was on my writing table? It isn't there anymore!"

"Well, if it was there the other week, love, where it is now? I'm looking there, and it's not there."

"Belinda! Where did that sheet of paper go with my Mom's information, you know the one with my great, great Granny's name scrawled across the top?"

When I began my family tree research, conversation between me and my wife went something like the above. It was wild. I had a pile of indispensable facts that sat on my desk in no particular order. It consisted of every document and photocopy I could find or buy about our family's history, cocktail napkins with bits of the past on them, and assorted tablets filled with data. In next to no time, I was losing track of vital pieces of information, some of which I couldn't remember I'd lost until weeks later. It was an expensive lesson and hopefully one you can avoid. Information and birth certificates needed to be reordered and once again attempts were made to organize it. I began to wonder if I'd taken on too much. It was then that I discovered the wonders of family tree software to help a build a tree but organize all my thoughts, bits and random errata into a coherent, usable form

With that said, I would like to share with you my experience with family tree software and the different websites out there on the Net to help you produce your family tree. First, there is a difference between websites that have research tools and information, and websites that offer ways to document your findings.. Initially I want to talk about those software and websites which keep track of the information you will collect and organize it into a usable form. I will also attempt to clarify what is, at times, a blurring of the two types of sites and software available.

What I won't do is bore you with a lengthy list of software and websites. I will only list the sites I know, the ones that are most well-liked.

- Geni.com - Ancestry.com - Tribalpages.com - PAF from LDS - Family Tree Maker - Roots Magic

Why bother? It seems bizarre I know, but why would you want software for making family trees? Well, first for most folks, you want a single place where you can store the mass of data you are going to detect. Let's be honest. That's not exactly what the software is about! When most folks start learning how to make a family tree, they are pretty much interested in seeing one of those big diagrams with all their names listed. You want a framed version on your wall with your whole history in front of you, right?

Okay, so what we have figured out is that you will need somewhere to put all your info. Unless you are thinking to keep thousands of napkins strewn about or if you are super-organized and keep paper records in a neat system, you will want to be able to keep everything in one place. When you start doing your family tree, you will want to record all the facts you come to, like birthdates, addresses where your family lived, occupations, etc.

As you get more into looking into your family tree, I propose that you keep all the source numbers you use for research. I will explain this in another article, but keeping links on how you got the facts, means that if you need to check it, you can get to it easy.

You will want to be able to develop full charts with your software . It is great if you can develop other reports, such as story boards, which give a semi-automated story for your family depending on what details you fill in.

Software and websites to consider include:

Geni.com

Let's take a closer look Geni.com one of the new sites on the Internet. It has built its reputation on a very simple marketing model - appeal to young people and non-techie types. The basic premise of this site is different than other genealogy software offerings. You fill in your details, fill in your family's details and invite your family via email to expand on what you know.

Geni.com has one of the simpler interfaces of any of applications I've seen so far. You can add whole family members in an instant! A great working plan, too, why do all the filling in of forms manually?

On the downside, this site does have a few serious design and processing flaws which would give one pause for thought when filling in personal info. After all, you are putting in very personal stuff like mother's maiden name, family names, dates of birth and the like. Another flaw, although not confirmed is that when you add your relatives' email addresses Geni will send emails directly to family members. As a result, they've gotten a reputation of being a bit spammy for their tactics. To date, they have denied this, but it is a well known rumor.

Another area that needs improvement is in the reports and graphs produced by Geni.com. They are limited as it only allows you to input a limited data set. That is sufficient for some users; however, if you want to do an in-depth tracking of your relatives over their lives or from census to census, it is less feasible. You will wind up having to log one data set for each person while a viable workaround, it is time consuming and extra work.

Other things that make this website less than ideal:

- There is the inability to share information across trees, even if you have the exact same names and email addresses.

- With the addition of many software packages for family tree building, it was decided that there needed to be a standard file format. This standard is called GEDCOM, and utilizes the extension *.ged. It is also a way to allow you to import data from other programs or family trees. Geni.com doesn't support this format.

Geni.com is, however, free! And while some may say that you get what you pay for, I find some things about this site that is worth considering. I can tell you that I am not entirely convinced that this is the most appropriate tool for all but the very beginners.. It doesn't present you with credible tracking tools or reports and your data is potentially unsafe if the company is sold.

Ancestry.com

Ancestry is the next website we will review. In actuality, it is pretty similar to Geni.com in conception; you enter your details online, store and retrieve your saved information from a single location. Ancestry.com in essence, serves as a hub for all of your family genealogy info There are, however, some very significant differences between them. Ancestry.com has been around for a while and their attention to security is top-notch. When you put your personal, family details out there on the Internet, security is a real issue. You want to know who is reading your material.

Ancestry.com has some definite variations:

- Ease of retrieval: Retrieve your information directly from Ancestry. - Cross family trees: Make crossovers to other people's family trees. - Add extra information to genealogy: Add extra information like occupations, addresses, christenings, and the like.

You are, of course, relying on the company to secure and store details about you and your family, so you may want to be careful what you publish; however, Ancestry.com has a strong encryption algorithm which can give you some piece of mind.

On the upside, it is directly linked to Ancestry, so when you add a new family member it will check its database for details and offer you what it thinks might be relevant information about other portions of your family. You can check it and directly add any information you find useful from Ancestry to your family tree. There are many advantages to this including speed and ease of use. Ancestry will match you to other people in your family who might be building family trees of their own, because as they build, the database is updated.

The ancestry online tool allows you to add multiple entries for addresses, occupations, and the like which, once you start to use the census information, will become increasingly significant.

On the downside, it still has limited print functions and exports and imports aren't possible, so should you ever want to move your material to another area, you will need to retype everything you've collected.

See the video here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nd1kLlKR6wE

TribalPages.com

While Tribal Pages.com is very similar to the other two online based systems, it does take steps in the import/export area by introducing GEDCOM and it also sports some really fine reports. The interface, unfortunately, isn't very user friendly and at points is downright hard to understand. It also seems to continually mix up family trees making it an altogether frustrating journey.

Personal Ancestral File (PAF)

This free piece of software is provided by the Latter Day Saints as from their familysearch.org website. While the software has an easy to understand interface and you can add details as you like, it isn't linked to any of the online databases and there are some entries for the LDS that can't be disabled. There is a reporting tool from the same site that enables you to print your family tree viewing up to 3 generations and there is an extra addon for $6.75 which will allow you to produce 10 generation printouts with posters. While the free software is good, there are some reasons one would want a full fledged piece of software that has complete reporting capabilities and a better user interface. It does, however, do GEDCOM imports and exports.

Family Tree Maker and Roots Magic

In base functionality Family Tree Maker and Roots Magic are very comparable and both are similar to PAF. The major difference comes in user input of the free version and in their reporting capabilities. The reports from the paid for software are very customizable, and as a result produce some great storyboard type reports.

Roots Magic and FTM2008 allow you to produce standalone versions of your family tree on a CD (or share via email), so that you can give it to family members. You can also make a website that you can show relatives and friends.

Roots Magic comes in two variations for the UK and one for the United States. The US version is comparable to the basic UK version, and it might be all you will ever need. At a price of only $30 or £15, and you can buy and immediately download it online. You can also download a demo version (15 days) from the Roots Magic website. In my video tutorials, I will use the Roots Magic software, but will show also you how to do the same things in PAF.

Family Tree Maker 2008 will cost you $10 more at $40, but it does have the advantage that you can link directly into Ancestry. While you will have to wait for the CDs to arrive, it is a very nice piece of software. I have never personally been all that thrilled with its link to Ancestry, but that and the wait is its only downside. The link is indiscriminate at best and at times returns all sorts of nonsense.

Family Tree Maker 2008, as a result, has been less than well received by most people because of some of the aforementioned issues.. The 2006 version seems to work much better and is on the whole considered a much more stable product. Go figure..

Roots Magic video here:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1869448681089699197

I would initially look into PAF: it is cheap, easy to use and has everything you would need for a simple setup. Meanwhile, I would download a trial version of Roots Magic to consider. At $30 dollars, it isn't a huge outlay and will give you a lot for your money. Although FTM2008 links direct into Ancestry and has some more fancy bells and whistles, it's not all that useful and can be downright frustrating according to many users. PAF will give you the ability to export GEDCOM files which you can then import into something like Roots Magic later anyway. It is excellent preliminary step if you don't want to spend anything or not that much.

Simon is a writer in the field of genealogy, and has a blog on free genealogy research at How to Make A Family Tree for Free

Screening of family Crucible

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The Family Crucible, by Napier and Whitaker (1978), reads like a novel while at the same time laying down some of the fundamental concepts of family systems therapy. It is a case study of one family's experience in family therapy. While the therapy shifts from daughter to son and then to parent interaction to daughters and son, it is finally the couple's marriage that must be treated if issues are to be resolved. Even the grandparents are brought into therapy to get at the family of origin issues.

The book opens with a quote from James Agee and Walker Evans: "The family must take care of itself; it has no mother or father; there is no shelter, nor resource, nor any love, interest, sustaining strength or comfort, so near, nor can anything happy or sorrowful that comes to anyone in this family possibly mean to those outside it what it means to those within it; but it is, as I have told, inconceivably lonely, drawn upon itself as tramps are drawn round a fire in the cruelest weather; and thus and in such loneliness it exists among other families, each of which is no less lonely, nor any less without help or comfort, and is likewise drawn in upon itself."

Through the telling of the Brice family's story, Napier and Whitaker illustrate underlying dynamics such as structural imbalances in the system and how child focus is a typical method used by unhappy couples to avoid dealing with their own marital and family of origin issues. Fusion, triangles, individual and family life cycle stages, family-of-origin themes, polarization, reciprocity, blaming, and the hierarchy and characteristics of living systems are among the concepts that are explained and illustrated through this family's therapy experience. David and Carolyn, an unhappily married couple, are the parents of Claudia (the IP), Laura, and Don. The book is well written and hard to put down once you start reading it.

Whitaker has been criticized in the field, because many people believe that he does not really have a theory. It is believed that it is only his charismatic personality that drives his treatment. I disagree. I believe that one has only to read his chapter in The Handbook of Family Therapy (1981) and see these concepts illustrated in The Family Crucible to realize the depth and breadth of his theory.

In the service of reviewing the book, it is useful to consider Whitaker's background and key theoretical concepts. He began as an OB/GYN and had no formal psychiatric training. He became involved in treating schizophrenics after World War II. Whitaker was interested in understanding disturbed relationships in a familial context and in determining whether serious symptoms such as those in psychotics might be reinforced by dysfunctional family patterns and beliefs.

From 1946 to 1955, Whitaker (1981) became involved in treating schizophrenia with a type of aggressive play therapy. In fact, Whitaker's most formative training was in a child guidance clinic where he learned play therapy (Whitaker, 1981). Whitaker used some outrageous methods, including learning to talk "crazy," arm wrestling, use of a baby bottle, and rocking, all of which were rooted in his training experience.

At the same time that he developed these techniques, he developed a kind of pyknolepsy, wherein he would fall asleep in the middle of a session. He would dream about his relationship with the patient being treated, and then make his associations to the dream a part of the therapy session (Whitaker, 1981). In justifying his unique techniques, Whitaker emphasized that "Each technique is a process whereby the therapist is developing himself and using the patient as an intermediary, that is the therapist is interacting in a primary process model" (p. 188).

In 1946, Whitaker (1981) moved to Emory, where he became chair of the Department of Psychiatry. It was here that he developed dual co-therapy with Dr. Thomas Malone. In 1964, Whitaker worked with David Keith to develop a postgraduate specialty in MFT at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine. The development of symbolic-experiential methodology required students to ". . . take everything said by the patient as symbolically important as well as realistically factual" (Whitaker, 1981, p. 189).

Whitaker (1981) defined health as ". . . a process of perpetual becoming" (p. 190). He emphasized that what is most important in a healthy family is ". . . the sense of an integrated whole. . . The healthy family is not a fragmented group nor a congealed group. . . The healthy family will utilize constructive input and handle negative feedback with power and comfort. The group is also therapist to the individuals" (p. 190). Whitaker also defines the healthy family as ". . . a three to four generational whole that is longitudinally integrated. . . maintaining a separation of the generations. Mother and father are not children and the children are not parents" (p. 190). Whitaker also looked at the degree of volitional access parents and children have to outside support and interests. The families of origin in healthy families are on friendly terms.

Importantly, Whitaker looked to spontaneity as a marker of healthy communication in families. The healthy family allows each member to admit to problems and to identify competencies. Thus, it is emphasized that healthy families allow great freedom for the individual to be himself. Whitaker (1981) states that ". . . normal families do no reify stress" (p. 190).

Whitaker (1981) emphasized that a basic characteristic of all healthy families is the availability of an "as if" structure, which permits different family members to take on different roles at different times. Roles result from interaction instead of being rigidly defined. They are defined by various conditions, including the past, present, future, culture, and demands of the family at a given time. On the other hand, Whitaker defined the dysfunctional family as ". . . characterized by a very limited sense of the whole" (p. 194). Lack of flexibility at times of change, covert communication, intolerance of conflict, lack of spontaneity, lack of empathy, blaming and scapegoating, a lack of playfulness, and little sense of humor are all markers of unhealthy families from Whitaker's perspective.

Whitaker placed heavy emphasis on the technique of co-therapy. In The Family Crucible, for example, the reader constantly witnesses Whitaker and Napier turn up the power. Whitaker and Napier's process techniques illustrated in the book are designed to disorganize rigid patterns of behavior directly in session. The exposure of covert behaviors is considered to be the family's misguided effort to stay in tact by submerging real feelings. There is a decisive here-and-now quality to symbolic-experiential interventions used in The Family Crucible, with a focus upon creating and then addressing en vivo emotional dynamics in therapy session.

Napier and Whitaker insisted that the entire Brice family be present in therapy. Indeed, Whitaker's symbolic-experiential treatment model considered it crucial to begin the treatment process with the entire family (Napier and Whitaker, 1978). Whitaker (1981) has emphasized that "Our demand to have the whole family in is the beginning of our 'battle for structure.' It begins with the first phone call" (p. 204). He asserts that it is ". . . difficult to do process-focused family therapy without the children" and the ". . . experiential quality of family therapy requires the children's presence" (p. 205). In the book, Napier and Whitaker (1978) frequently attempt change through playing and teasing, especially with Laura, Don, and Claudia. Members from David and Carolyn's families of origin are invited to session. Whitaker (1981) states that in arranging for four generations to come to interviews as consultants that he is ". . . helping to evolve a large system anxiety" (p. 204). Experience is privileged over cognitive engagement throughout the treatment with the Brice family, as it is conceptualized that experience trumps cognitive growth in this theory.

Napier and Whitaker (1978) describe their co-therapy as symbolic of a professional marriage. Early treatment of the Brice family involved the co-therapists making decisions. Symbolically, they viewed the family as a baby taking its first steps. As such, the family required structure, so it follows that the therapists made unilateral decisions. Once Napier and Whitaker had won the battle for control, the therapists, like parents raising children, soften considerably. In the middle phase of the Brice family's treatment, decisions about treatment were made more collaboratively. Again, the model for this process is increasing differentiation of the family. As therapy proceeded, the therapists took increasingly smaller roles, watching like proud parents as the Brice family became more integrated into changing themselves independent of the therapists. Whitaker (1981) clarifies that the therapy process ". . . begins with infancy and goes to late adolescence, where the initiative is with the kids, who then bear responsibility for their own living" (p. 107).

Throughout the book, it is implicitly and explicitly emphasized that the self-development of the therapists is the most important variable in the success of therapy. Napier and Whitaker (1978) acted as coaches or surrogate grandparents to the Brice family as therapy progressed. They were active and considered themselves to be the forces for change. Rather than a blank screen, they acted as allies of the family system. Especially in the beginning, Napier and Whitaker were directive. They used silence, confrontation and other anxiety-building techniques to unbalance the system. They acted as catalysts, who picked up on the unspoken and discovered the undercurrents represented by the family's symbolic communication patterns. The co-therapists privileged their subjective impressions.

More than anything else, Napier and Whitaker (1978) had the courage to be themselves. They knew how to meet the absurdities of life and how to bring out people's primary impulses. They believed strongly in the healing power of the human being, and, even more, of the family. They insisted that the family be in contact with its own craziness, play, and honor the spontaneous through their own modeling and directing.

The reader could observe how this symbolic-experiential therapy team moved through several stages. In the early part of treatment, the co-therapists battle for structure and they are all-powerful. In the mid-phase, the parental team functioned as stress activators, growth expanders, and creativity stimulators. Late in treatment, the co-therapists sat back and watched, respecting the independent functioning of the family. Whitaker (1981) holds that the "The sequence of joining and distancing is important. It is a lot like being with children. A father can get furious with his kids one minute, then be loving the next. We take the same stance with families" (p. 205). Thus, the role of the co-therapists was dynamic over the course of treatment with the Brice family.

Whether as a training therapist or a lay reader, it is inspirational to study the therapy offered by Napier and Whitaker (1978) in The Family Crucible. Self-disclosure, creative play, teaching stories, spontaneous interpersonal messages, the use of metaphor, and the sharing of parts of the therapists' lives that reflect a working through in their own living are used generously. Process techniques intended to activate confusion around Claudia, the identified patient, unbalance the system, and open up authentic dialogue between marital partners and between the generations of extended families are used. It is emphasized, however, that it is not technique, but personal involvement that enabled Whitaker and Napier (1978) to do their best. It is continually illustrated how symbolic (emotional) experiences are fundamentally formative in the treatment of families, illustrated poignantly with the Brice family. Therefore, such experience should be created in session. To expose the covert world beneath the surface world is the most curative factor for the Brice family, is it is for all families. By getting inside the Brice family's unique language and symbolic system, the therapists were able to move the family's awareness from the content level to the symbolic level.

In THE FAMILY CRUCIBLE, Napier (1978) describes the curative process of Whitaker's family therapy from the perspective of the co-therapist. The courage to embrace life's absurdities involves the courage to be oneself, to the point of even sharing your free associations and thoughts with families. Daring to participate in the lives of the families, or even inviting them to share in your own life in order to get them in contact with submerged associations, helps families to get to the primary process level. In fact, the book underlines that the force of the therapist is central to treatment, so that the family's encounter with the therapists is the primary curative agent. The goal of psychotherapy with the Brice family, as with all families, is to provide therapeutic experiences, and questions should be fired off in ways to unbalance the family. When Whitaker asks Carolyn, "When did you divorce your husband and marry the children?" he acts as an agent of change. He does not care whether the client likes him. And it is here that one realizes that the success of the psychotherapy depends on the emotional maturity of the therapist. The person of the therapist is at the heart of what good psychotherapy is all about. Since Whitaker states that therapy for the therapist is crucial, experiential training is essential for the therapist who would provide his/her clients with experiential treatment. In conclusion, this highly readable, inspirational, and useful book deserves a central place on every therapist's bookshelf.

References

Whitaker, C. A. (1981). Symbolic-experiential family therapy. In A. S. Gurman & D. P.

Knistern (Eds.), Handbook of family therapy (pp. 187-225). New York: Brunner/Mazel.

Napier, A. Y., & Whitaker, C. (1978). The family crucible: The intense experience of

therapy. New York: HarperCollins.

Dr. Barbara Cunningham, MFT

Family business is BIG Business: Not just a "MOM and POP"

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What is a Family Business?

Far too often, when people hear the phrase "Family Business," they immediately conjure up the image of a little Mom-and-Pop grocery, shoe repair shop, or news stand. Perhaps they think of family businesses as quaint reminders of an era passed, or see them as heroic little David's fighting the corporate Goliaths.

That's just not so.

According to a study by the 2003 study commissioned by the Raymond Institute and Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company, 89% of all business in the United States are family businesses, including some of the largest publicly traded companies in the country. In fact, family businesses represent 64% of the Gross National Product! Surprised? Do these companies sound familiar?

Take a look at these companies, and see if your perception of family business is changed:

Wal-Mart (NYSE: WMT). With over 1.25 million employees and 4000+ stores, Wal-Mart is the largest retailer and largest private business in the U.S. Founded by Sam Walton in 1962 and his descendants currently own 38% of the company. I wonder how tough it would be to get something done if the Walton family was against it? If that's not family control I don't know what is.

Ford Motor Company (NASDAQ: FORD). In the world of publicly traded companies, it is often the case that when a single person or entity owns 5 to 10% of the stock, they can control the company. The Ford family still owns 40% of the voting stock in the Ford Motor Company. Read their company story - some of the Ford's have left interesting legacies - remember the Edsell? Nevertheless, no matter what - the Ford family calls the shots.

Motorola (NYSE: MOT). Founded in 1928 by Paul Galvin, Motorola made the first car radios, later moving into television manufacturing, and is now arguably the most popular manufacturer of wireless communications and cellular phone equipment. As companies grow requiring outsiders in various leadership roles, the names on the letterhead and faces on TV change, but the family culture is always there.

Considering the family business in the 21st Century we can think about a family business in two ways:

Whether or not they are owned and/or controlled by a small group of people, or whether or not they act like a family in terms of how they handle each other, their employees, and their business.

The first scenario is obvious - the second, consider your workplace.

Invariably there are people who have taken on family-like positions that have nothing to do with their place on the organization chart. Someone is the person we turn to when we need help with a colleague, like our mom did when we had problems with our pesky brother or sister. Someone is the father figure, wise and thoughtful who pushes us to put aside our differences and get the job done. There are people like our favorite uncle - he doesn't seem to accomplish much, but he is such a great guy who could let him go? The parallels are endless.

And even large companies without the family component are operating with family systems. They exist in many business environments because its a well-known principle that family systems are successful at getting the most out of people.

Some Fortune 1000 sized companies are organized around a system of having no more than 150 people at one installation. They recognize the value of the family (teams) atmosphere and believe they are more important than the "economies" that could be achieved with larger business units.

Typically, when the experts consider the criteria that characterizes and organization as a "family" business, they look at these three characteristics:

A single family controls the company's ownership.

The controlling family's members are currently active in top-level management.

The family has been involved in the company for at least 2 generations, or it appears they will be.

Not all three must exist, but all typically do. The huge misperception remains, however, that all businesses run by families are mom-and-pop. This couldn't be farther from the truth.

Challenges for Privately Held Companies.

I've given examples of family businesses that have grown into giant, worldwide corporate entities. But what about the privately held family businesses who stay out of the public's hands, companies you couldn't buy stock in because it's not for sale? Can they compete against the Fortune 500?

Cargill Incorporated. Headquartered in Minnesota since 1865, Cargill is the world's largest privately held company. Its 95,000 employees buy and sell commodities with operations on six continents. Cargill and MacMillan descendants have run the company for five generations, with family members owning 85% of the company, and key employees owning the remaining 15%.

Koch Industries: This privately owned company with over 11,000 employees in Wichita, Kansas, owns a diverse group of companies engaged in trading, investment and operations around the world.

Clearly, these privately held companies are playing in the big leagues. No Mom-and-Pop shops here. With publicly traded companies making up such a tiny percentage of all businesses it should not be a surprise to us that this is the case. In fact there are over 30,000 privately held companies in the US with annual sales of over $25,000,000.

Typically however, since the family owned companies are not continually looking for investors money, and because they do not have a public information staff - to keep their name in the media and hold their per share value up - we never recognize their dominance.

Common Ground.

What do these privately held companies have in common with large, publicly traded businesses?

When it comes to the problems associated with getting along and working together, they have exactly the same issues that any large company has! And, focusing down through smaller and smaller companies, it becomes clear that the problems are the same at all levels of business.

And bigger companies don't necessarily mean bigger problems.

From a financial angle, smaller, privately held companies have exactly the same stumbling blocks as their megalithic counterparts, but the situations can be even more intense, and the consequences even more dire: After all, its one thing if you're losing stockholders´ money, its quite another when you're losing your own!

So, what's my point? Well if you are a member of a family owned company, you already know this stuff. I'm really preaching to the choir, aren't I? When I meet someone for the first time and they ask me what I do and I say "I work with family businesses" - many of them will launch immediately into their story - how their great grand father came to the US with only his clothes on his back and a carpet bag full of samples from the family business in the old country and on and on the story goes.

This article is actually for the rest of you. Those of you who thought (before you began reading here) that family business and mom/pop businesses are the same things. Those of you who wish to serve this huge audience, now that you are beginning to see the potential, but are not sure how your experiences with government agencies, the university, and big companies will translate to Main Street.

Business is Business.

Its not about Mom-and-Pop. Business is business. It's human nature to want to snag the huge multimillion dollar sale to the one giant company in your area, but the regular mainstream businesses in your neighborhood are the ones that will benefit the most from your experience and expertise (and vice-versa). With no committee meetings, board approval and endless request for proposal requirements.

For example, there are far more opportunities for conflict resolution professionals to build their client base and reputation in the family business arena than in the publicly traded arena. There are many more insurance prospects for $500,000 policies than $5,000,000 policies. And since 755 of all companies have fewer that 25 employees - there are many more opportunities among them.

Professionals of all kinds will find a greater number of opportunities among family businesses than the public companies - there are so many more of them. And when you don't get the appointment, or you don't make the sale, or a client drops you in favor of someone else, it won't be fatal - they'll be easier to replace than that single giant client you've spent your life looking for.

Fewer than 50,000 companies are listed on all the stock exchanges, but there literally millions of companies that are not. And "privately held" don't necessarily equate with small profits: Over 20,000 privately held family business in this country have over million dollars in annual sales!

So, I ask again, how are they different? We've seen that, from a business standpoint, they are alike; same regulations, same structures, same challenges, etc. But family business means that people are related. And you can't just choose, when the going gets rough, to stop being related.

People are often forced into situations where they must work cooperatively in an interdependent, long-term relationship with people they wouldn't have necessarily chosen to work with, and they can't (or won't) easily leave. People need to be able to get along with their family members at work, because they will need to get along with each other outside of work.

In addition to the standard business angles, people in a family business are in the unique situation of having to juggle family and personal dynamics with other on-the-job stresses. For example, a family member feels that the matriarch or patriarch loves their brother or sister more, and gives them preferential treatment at work.

Or a brother-in-law with an advanced business degree is passed over for president in favor of the son, who can barely add a column of figures! Mixed messages come from the senior generation often keep one group of people thinking they're entitled to something that they are not going to get.

So, if you're working in a family business, you've got all of the issues associated with managing a business, getting along with people you may not want to work with, a lifetime of the personal baggage that comes with any family, and the knowledge that one day, all of this will be yours.

And it might be yours sooner than you think! Not long ago The Wall Street Journal featured a survey on the transition plans of business owners. The great majority of owners of family-owned businesses see their businesses continuing in family hands.

In fact, 9 out of 10 family leaders said that the family will control the family in 5 years. These are significant figures when you consider that 39% of businesses will experience a leadership shift in the next 5 years, and 56% in 10 years, as today's leaders retire.

Family Businesses and Professional Solution Providers.

Emotional issues often overrule logic in the family business environment, and by learning about the advanced emotional challenges of family businesses, becoming knowledgeable in the techniques of conflict resolution can provide valuable assistance. And it will greatly enhance your reputation as someone who understands them (the most important element in any relationship).

All of the business issues; the management issues, the human resource issues transition planning issues-- are exacerbated by the fact that the entire process is highly emotionally charged.

Someone who understands simple conflict resolution techniques has a huge advantage over their competition, regardless of advanced degrees, professional designations, etc. They are recognized as the ones in the best position to help the company create an atmosphere where productive planning can take place.

Based on the principles found in the landmark self-help mediation text, "Managing Differences", each of us can learn the simple process of helping our clients manage their long-term family/business interdependent relationships. These are strategies that will help people work together in the long run. Integrating them into your work will allow you to help your customers develop the common goals required for an atmosphere where active planning for the future can take place.

Simple Idea, Unlimited Possibilities.

The idea is this: if you can combine your professional knowledge with conflict resolution skills and developmental coaching skills, the potential market for your services is huge. There are virtually unlimited possibilities to add to your business, your satisfaction, your client base, and your revenue by reaching out and going after the family-owned businesses in your area. they're easy to reach because they're everywhere. And once they understand how you can help them, they will reach out to you to help them.

Sure, everyone wants the big deal-- The government contract, the training contract with the megacompany. Typically, those organizations take weeks or months or years to make decisions. Numerous meetings, an unwieldy chain of command, and decision by committee all slow things down. You will have made a huge investment of your time and effort before you even get the green light, if you get the green light.

Smaller, family-owned or privately held companies can make snap decisions. They can determine whether they like you or not, whether they think you can help them or not, they can say yes, and they can write the check. They can make these decisions without having to ask permission.

They can be found at the Rotary club, chambers of commerce, and through tens of thousands of trade associations located in every corner of the country. And if they like how you operate they'll refer you to their friends whose family company is dealing with similar issues - a never-ending stream of contacts.

Wayne Messick is the author of dozens of articles for mainstream businesses, emerging professionals and association executives. If you are a small business advisor and want to maximize your potential, here is an outline of the resources we are using to generate all our consulting business. Resources that you can use too, to multiply your new business, your revenues, and your client's satisfaction.

Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods, 9th Edition

2010-10-18T15:02:00.000+02:00

Family Therapy: Concepts & Methods is the definitive, classic in the field and covers all the major schools and developments in Family Therapy.

Just some of the features that make this book so widely used -

Brief biographies and photos of some of the leading family therapists of the twentieth century
Extensive coverage of professional ethics, reflecting the need for students to have increased awareness of professional issues in family therapy
Unique issues family therapists encounter when providing home-based services

Latest research and data - often before that research is published in other forums

The Ninth Editon continues this tradition with many exciting revisions including:

several new case studies
a new summary of major theoretical concepts
a new section on working with common forms of family trianges
new sections on Sex and the Internet and Neuroscience and Relationships
and much more!

From the Preface -

"One thing that tends to get lost in academic discussions of family therapy is the feeling of accomplishment that comes from sitting down with an unhappy family and being able to help them. Beginning therapists are understandably anxious and not sure they’ll know how to proceed. (“How do you get all of themto come in?”) Veterans often speak in abstractions. They have opinions and discuss big issues—postmodernism, narrative reconstructionism, second-order cybernetics. While it’s tempting to use this space to say Important Things, I prefer to be a little more personal. Treating troubled families has given me the greatest satisfaction imaginable, and I hope that the same is or will be true for you."

- Michael P. Nichols

Price: $115.20

Click here to buy from Amazon

Career conflicts-Happiness of your family and your professional growth

2010-10-18T03:04:00.000+02:00

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Introduction

Happiness and success in life is all about choices that we make.

One thing is sure that you cannot keep everyone happy and at times you need to choose or prioritize whose happiness is most important to you. It is these decisions which set the pace of your life. It is these decisions which reflect your values and principles.

If you are not happy, you cannot make others happy, howsoever hard you may try. It is like, love yourself and respect yourself to be loved and respected by others.

We all have gone through this dilemma at one or another stage of our life, when we have to choose between the happiness of our family and our professional growth and have to sacrifice one for another. You need both love and support of your family and success and growth in your professional life (in your career). You cannot give your 100% to your family and 0% to your profession and you cannot give 0% to your family and 100% to your profession. It is like Game Theorem, wherein the actual size of market will remain same and loss of one will be gain of another and it is up to the individual to set the balance.

In this article we will learn about that conflict of our life.

Understanding the Family

You cannot have control on your birth. Once you are in this world and grown-up enough to understand, who you are, you start making choices. At that stage you should not bother about anyone except your parents. Once you complete your basic qualification, your schooling, you start making choices and here whatever choice you make or the decision that you take, will have long-lasting effect in your life. Then you choose area of your interest and followed by your decision about the type of career that you want. You choose to get married. You choose to have kids. Now, for you your family consists of your parents, your spouse and your kids. Sometimes, you can have "Conflict of Interest" in these family members as well.

Understanding the need to have profession / career

Love, care, understanding and togetherness, all these are required in life but along with these things, you need many other things in life and for that you need money. You don't need to be a billionaire or the wealthiest person in the world, but you need fair amount of money / wealth to get the basic necessities of life, which can be as basic as food, shelter and cloths.

1. You need money to buy a house

2. You need money to give good education and career to your kids

3. You need money to take care of the medical needs and healthcare issues of your family

4. You need "enough" money to take care of you (without being dependent on your kids) after your retirement

And this money needs to be earned.

Apart from financial security, you need professional growth to

1. Be Respected

2. Be Recognized

3. Be Rewarded

4. Satisfy your ego

5. Feel the power

6. Motivate your inner self

To grow professionally, you need the support of your family (mostly your spouse, if you are married) and you need professional growth to take care of your family in a better manner.

Professional Crisis - Relocation (Case Study)

If I get everything at my door-step, I do not need to go anywhere and my life will be so peaceful and satisfying. But, that is not the case. Sometimes, due to professional commitments, you need to move to a different place and that is a real crisis that most of us face in our professional life and it is here that you need the utmost support of your family. Here, there are three situations:

1) You are unmarried.

2) You are married and your spouse is not working.

3) You are married and both of you are working.

4) You are married but do not have kids. Or you have kids but they are less than five years of age.

5) You are married and have grown-up kids.

I asked one question in my training program to understand the thinking process of people. Question was: "You get an opportunity in a different city (might be in a different country), for a salary three-times your present salary and for a designation, which is four levels above your present designation. What will you do? Will you accept the offer?"

There is a clear difference in the thought process of male and female respondents.

87% of females are of the opinion that for them family is important. If they are working, they will not accept such job offer (career advancement) and they expect the similar decision from their male counterparts.

69% of males prefer togetherness with their family over such career advancement.

Here are some of the responses:

1. Abhinav Sahai (Business Analyst at Ernst & Young): "Personally, I feel that career is very important in life and one person from a family can make the entire family proud of his actions. As in armed forces, they work dedicatedly and whole-heartedly but still they go back to their families at least once a year. So the family ties are important, but the chance to make an impact on your professional life is also worth a lifetime of an effort"

2. Nauman Malik (Research & Development Director and Software Consultant): "Simple answer is, if family is supportive and has some good understanding then one can work at any place in the world. It totally depends on the understanding level.

3. Taruna Rao Madan (Project Manager at Amdocs Dev Ltd): "Its completely matter of priorities; and everyone has their own priority. Priorities differ from time to time; for a person starting the career, profession takes upper seat and as a married person family becomes more important. I also feel that if one side is family emotions / marriage and on the other side is your profession, both sides can complement each other and can restrict each other. It depends on how people involved in it deal with the situation. I guess it happens with nearly everyone and people involved have to choose; sometimes it's at a smaller scale and sometimes it's a major decision.

For sure one needs family support to pursue profession or a dream. For that matter one needs family support for almost everything. Sacrifice / moving out of comfort zones - yes is required for all and not just for the person in question".

4. Mohsin M (Manager Process & Strategies at YS Consulting): In Such cases and situations one should

a. Do a cost-benefit analysis...

b. Match non-quantifiable gains with non-quantifiable losses.

c. Develop alternatives and see if it is worth...

d. Discuss and Convince Family

e. Let the end decision be something which brings happiness for family since it's directly related to ones happiness.

5. Joseph Davis (Vice President at Hyperion Resources): "We all make choices in life, but I don't think it is nearly as black and white as your comments. First, starting out in a career, we all make choices. You choose not to be a doctor because you don't like to be around illness. You choose not to be a salesman because you know you are introverted. You choose not to be a farmer because you want to live in the city. You choose not to marry someone because she does/doesn't want a family, etc".

Personally, I wanted to be an oceanographer, until my first cruise, when I learned that all 3 of my mentors were divorced because of their constant travel. So I adjusted my career path. The important thing is not to get locked-in to one path, either in your own mind, your spouse's mind, or in your boss's/company's mind. Keep your options open and never say "never"

6. Sophia Dembling (Freelance writer): "I don't disagree at all that work and money are important and work in particular is in many ways emotionally fulfilling. I can't imagine not working. But I also think that to have healthy relationships as well (and this goes for both sides of the relationships), compromise is necessary. That may mean fitting your ambitions to the needs of one's family, if they are saying they feel neglected. Or it may mean that the family needs to up and move to support the breadwinner's career. That's something only husband and wife can work out. But to my mind, all the money in the world could not substitute for time with my husband, or time with a loving father. I would not want to reach old age with lots of money but starved relationships".

7. Liesl Leary (Sr. Localization Strategist--Enabler of Multilingual Communications and Solutions): "In the United States, 98% of Fortune 500 CEO's are male. Try to imagine the reasons why this must be. Is it because women are less ambitious than men? Is it because they are less intelligent? Is it because they are lazy? The book "Off-Ramps and On-Ramps" by Sylvia Ann Hewlett discusses the findings of a comprehensive survey done by the Hidden Brain Drain committee. They found that many women specifically choose to take lower level work and avoid promotions so they can balance work and life. What's interesting is that they point out that the age where you're supposed to catch your wave and get on the fast track coincides exactly with women's peak fertility and peak childcare demands. Up until the age of 30, men and women are on the same career path with equal status and pay.

Moreover, if you're not derailed by a toddler at 30, you'll be derailed by aging parents at 50--also a responsibility traditionally shouldered by women. Many women choose to simply stay home to deal with the pressure but 97% of women want to come back within 5 years of leaving the workforce. However, getting back is difficult when employers see the "time-out" as a question of dedication and ambition. In this light, it's obvious that marriage and children restrict professional growth if we keep playing with the rules that were established by men at the dawn of industry. However, if the rules were to change, e.g. if non-linear career paths were respected as much as linear career paths, or if flexible hours were not stigmatized, or if working-from home was seen as disaster-preparedness (especially in light of events like 9/11 or in my case, winter) and not as a mommy-privilege, beloved professions may not have to be sacrificed for marriage and family both for men and for women".

8. Yvonne Michele Anderson (Independent Film Producer / Internet Entrepreneur / Non-Profit and Media Consultant): "This is a question of priorities, and of personal preferences in respect of individual families. It is difficult to balance work and family, and often the choices which one must make are not ideal. There is no ideal world...one must decide their priorities, and move on from there. One needs money, most certainly, but one should not sacrifice certain things for money. For me, work must be balanced with family, and family is more important, in the end. If I were married and had children, and my husband moved far away for work, I would not be happy with that situation.

9. Regina Yau: (Associate Director at RUSS Consulting)"Family ties in Asia being as strong as they are, for most Asians it would be contest when choosing between family and career - one should always put family first. At the same time, Asian families being as ambitious as they are as a family unit, most young people are encouraged to leave the family, go abroad and really go for all the opportunities to climb the career ladder. Wives often follow husbands when their husbands move to further their careers. When there is an offer too good to pass up, the whole family moves and the kids just have to roll with it. When one family member attains success, the whole family basks in the reflected glory.

10. Mohamed Taher (Information Coordinator at Ontario Multifaith Council): "The answer in short is, you need to be married at home (be homely and committed to the partner) and at work (be professional and committed to the passion); you can't be a bachelor at work, or vice versa. That means, you have to have two partners (in your mind you can have a divided personality)--human companionship for 8 hours at home, and business-partnership for 8 hours at @ work; Committed to each individually and wholly.

11. Anuja Rathi (Language Instructor at anilingual International School of Languages): "I've seen quite a few people turn down wonderful job offers either because their family is not open to the idea of moving, or because they themselves would feel guilty asking their families to pack their bags, relocate and start afresh at a completely unknown place. In spite of the fact that my direct answer to your Q would be "maybe", I'd like to elaborate upon it a bit.

If it is only about the spouse, I don't think the problem is too big, as the spouse can seek an opportunity at the new location. If you have small kids in tow, then finding a good school and other basics also need to be planned out. When all are willing, family does not restrict professional growth.

Changing cities/countries is more difficult when the kids grow up and feel they "belong" to one place and not the other. Hence, the sooner you move, the better it is. Once your family "takes root" at a particular location, its hard to uproot it, as the entire package of emotions and choices have to be dealt with. Most of us wouldn't leave our family, and go off someplace permanently. If its for a short while, then maybe the offer merits a thought.

In the end, it all depends on the individual's priorities, his cognitions, family values and mutual understanding. If all converge, then professional growth need not be restricted, and if they diverge, then subjective opinions and decisions prevail. Hope this helps".

12. Sujatha Das (Freelance Consultant): "I would look at it this way: It is our choice to do what we feel like depending on the priority that we give to our relationships. I am sure no one can force us to get married or have kids. It is a personal choice of the individual to do so and hence once they take this decision, they have to also abide to maintain their commitments.

We are committed to our spouse and kids by our own choice we made once, so are we not supposed to keep our commitments. Hence, feeling that personal commitments are coming in way to professional life is not the right thing according to me.

As human beings, when we are unable to take up some of these good opportunities, we feel sad and sometimes brood over it, but again here we are supposed to make the choice".

13. Seema Singh (Faculty in Design department at Pearl Academy of Fashion): "More than displacement issues, it is the non-understanding part of your family members about your job demands and your goals in life that create a bigger problem. Also, if your spouse is homely or lets say not so achievement oriented as you, that can be mega-reason for you not being a persona you could otherwise had become. I think for this reason, marriages are dysfunctional in actual life......you only pretend to yourself and the world that it is ok with you. However, you know its not and is never going to be. You just do it for the sake that it does no harm to you than what it had already done".

My Opinion - I believe that

No war could have been won

No nation would have attained independence and

We would not have heard names like GE, Microsoft, Dell, IBM, Oracle, EDS, Intel, Sun Microsystems et al, had everyone thought the way most of you have expressed themselves.

No one can dare to dream and no dream can ever become a reality...if everyone starts thinking in the similar manner.

We need to understand this from the perspective of Armed Forces. They move from one place to another place, after some years, at times with their family and sometimes without family; if they also start thinking in the same manner then who will take care of the boarders of your country. You can have any high-profile career, sports, entertainment etc, most of the time these people stay away from their family to keep their professional commitments.

Yes, you are working for your family and one of the responsibilities that you have on your shoulder is to give them a better career. You can give better career by giving them proper education and I order to get that education (that level), they not only need to be sharp and intelligent but you too should be financially strong to let them get that education. To be financially strong, one must have good profession...one must take good opportunities; one must sacrifice something, you cannot get everything and more so you cannot get "free things". There is no free-lunch.

You can grow professionally by moving up in your professional ladder and moving out of your comfort zone and by sacrificing some of your happiness and comforts. And to do all this, you need the support of your family. So, to my understanding, spouse and families should support you rather than restricting and/or limiting your growth.

Conclusion

Taking decisions such as relocation, no doubt is a question of setting priorities. Professional Growth and the happiness of your family are very important and you cannot have one at the cost of another but you need to understand the purpose of your living. You also need to consider your happiness. How can you spread happiness, if you yourself are not happy? A bit of compromise here and there and a little bit of adjustment is always required. Make a choice and then move on.

Always, remember you cannot make everyone happy.

Have a great day and take care.

Looking for your comments and feedback

Sanjeev Himachali

(BLOG: http://sanjeevhimachali.multiply.com/journal and http://sanjeevhimachali.blogspot.com/)

Sanjeev Himachali
Blog: http://sanjeevhimachali.blogspot.com
E-mail: ss_himachali@yahoo.com; sanjeev.himachali@gmail.com

Family meetings-Talk, listen and strengthen your family

2010-10-17T16:18:00.000+02:00

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A family meeting is a group discussion of events, feelings, changes, plans, intentions, rules, expectations, praise, support and whatever else the family can think of to discuss. The important thing is that the whole family sits down together at a set time and focuses on the meeting. You may find that pre-school children have difficulty sitting through this process, so they may have to be included only for part of the meeting. Or, it may be best to hold the meeting with children who can contribute after the little ones have gone to bed. Some teens will balk at having to spend their time with younger siblings, or having to discuss family issues that don't directly relate to their immediate needs. But if you establish this as a routine part of your family life, the objections and obstacles will diminish with time as each child and parent realizes the advantages.

Advantages of Family Meetings

Family meetings strengthen families by helping each child and each parent learn how to appropriately express feelings and concerns. It also gives family members an opportunity to practice listening and talking skills and to learn the arts of negotiation and conflict resolution. As well, family meetings are a concrete demonstration of the importance of your family and they give each family member an opportunity to provide, or to seek, shelter with one another.

As they grow older, children and youth learn that they can broach difficult issues in a non-hostile manner. And, parents learn that their children have important issues and can offer solutions when given the opportunity to present them appropriately.

Heather told me about how family meetings affected her ability to relate to her parents.

Heather's Story:

Heather, age 21, is a student nurse about to graduate. She hopes to work in a Third World nation and wants to hold off marriage and children until she is older, "like maybe 30" (here I go feeling old again). Heather grew up in a family of two parents, an uncle who lived in a suite that was semi-detached from the house, and she has a younger sister and an older brother.

Heather told me that her family always had family meetings. She says that she can remember her mother putting crayons and paper on the table to keep her younger sister occupied while the others held their discussion and how proud she was that, at age 6, she was old enough to be a full participant, rather than an annoying observer, like her 3 year old sister.

"We had family meetings on whatever nigh us kids had nothing else going on, so it generally changed at the beginning of each school year and after Christmas since those were the times when mom signed us up for extracurricular activities. We would have them after the dinner table was cleared. We took turns taking notes, and we took turns opening the meetings. When we were little, it was mostly about mom and dad telling us what was going on in the week. I really liked that because I'm not a very spontaneous person by nature and that helped me to feel like I had a handle on the my life."

Heather found that the tone and purpose of the meetings changed as she and her siblings got older.

"When we started to get allowances and to want to do things with our friends, we used family meetings as a place to negotiate money and curfews. My brother and I would try to unite for more money or later curfews, but it never really worked for us. Mom and dad had their rules and standards and they stuck to them. When we had problems with my uncle, we had family meetings that included him and we were able to work the problem through." (The uncle had period of alcohol abuse that was a time of difficulty for the whole family).

I asked Heather what she got out of the family meetings.

" What I liked best was that I talked with my parents more than most of my friends did. That didn't seem very cool at the time, but because we knew we could bring up any issues in a calm and team-like atmosphere, we just got in the habit of doing it. Now that I'm older and on my own, I feel that my family is my support team because I am used to talking to them first. I think we have informal family meetings now, mainly through email. One of us will present an issue or concern in our lives, and copy it to everyone else. We get feedback and support and ideas from each other. Most of my friends are replacing that kind of family closeness and support with friends, but my family is still my number one place to go when I need to talk."

About a month after the interview, Heather telephoned me and told me she had been thinking about it and that she realized that there was something else she really liked about family meetings.

"We used our meetings as a sort of announcement place. So, if I got a good grade in one of my worst subjects, or my brother had something really exciting happen at school, we would tell about it and everyone would clap. I didn't get it at the time, but when I look back, I can remember how good I felt to be appreciated by my parents and my siblings. Brothers and sisters don't often say nice things to each other when they're kids, but family meetings gave us a chance to do that for each other. I don't think most of my friends got that kind of formal acknowledgement from their families."

Historically Speaking

Looking through history, it occurred to me that the prototype for today's family meeting was the famous, and perhaps mythological, Round Table of King Arthur's court at Camelot. I thought it would be a good example here because basically, according to the legends, the King took a bunch of quarrelling Knights (none of which was noted for his communication skills and all of whom wanted to be first and win the most) and gave them all an equal voice in decisions that impacted the kingdom and in deciding how to allocate the resources. The Knights dialogued and used verbal problem solving skills to sort out their various problems. Arthur, as King, was the final arbitrator in conflicts in which they could not come to agreement, but that is just how it is in family meetings where the parents have to be have the final word.

Anyway, the Round Table was a great improvement on the Knight's former style of conflict resolution, which had been drawing swords, fighting to the death, killing siblings and other rivals, and storming castles. The pay off to the ordinary citizens, was that they didn't have to live with the Knights in charge of their area conscripting them into service when they needed to raid a neighboring Knight's village, and the money that was formerly used for war, could be used for the minimal social services available at the time (building bridges and barges and what not).

This same process works in family meetings. Instead of family members arguing and working things out individually, most of the family rules can be negotiated at the family meeting, with everyone having some input at the same time. And, when the entire family is involved in the decision making about how to allocate family resources, then there is less likely to be argument later when individuals realize that the decision isn't working so well in their favor.

If a bunch of rowdy Knights who were used to resolving conflict with a sword could learn to use this format for resolution, think what your children can learn in the same way.

Family Meeting Skills

Family meetings are vulnerable to misadventure and problems when you first start having them. Children may not understand the purpose, adults may resort to power plays to get the kids to try it, and everyone may get confused about the agenda. It may also be hard to find a time that doesn't conflict with other activities. And, if your children are in different stages of growing up, it can be a challenge to find ways to interest them all and to keep them all attentive as you progress through the agenda.

If you think you would like to try using family meetings as a way to strengthen your family, these tips might be helpful to you.

o Have the same time and same place set aside on a weekly, or bi-weekly schedule. In order to keep this happening and functional, all family members have to understand that their attendance is required. Pick an evening when other activities or time limits don't interfere. If there are special programs on television at that time, agree to videotape them for viewing later.

o State the "rules". Everyone participates. Everyone has a turn. No one interrupts. Everyone is positive. No meanness or teasing allowed.

o Begin by asking for an agenda. Each person can say what issue he would like to discuss and it can be written down as a formal agenda.

o Keep a record. Someone should be designated to keep the notes. This can change weekly, or it can be assigned to one person in particular. Each person's topic is written down, as well as the results. This is useful later if there are disagreements about what was said. Keep the notes in a special book that is not used for any other purpose.

o Start with a positive tone. Begin the meeting with each person saying something positive that happened in the week. Some families may also want to have each family member acknowledge something special that another family member did, or, others may want to be less personal and have each family member tell about a kindness that they witnessed or that was done for them.

o Use a talking stick. A candle, or empty toilet paper role, or spatula etc can be used. The rule is that only the person holding the talking stick is allowed to speak and the others have to wait their turn.

o Consider the attention spans of individuals. Very young children, or those who have attention deficit disorder or learning challenges, may not be able to sit and stay focused for any length of time. Have crayons and paper, or drawing tools, or play clay, for these family members to amuse themselves with while the others stick to the topics. You will find that this becomes less necessary as the process becomes familiar and successful.

o Use moderators. When the process is first starting, or when the children are all still very young, the parents will have to be the moderators. This means that they role model appropriate negotiation skills, prevent interruptions, keep the notes, makes sure the agenda is followed. As the children become older, or the family becomes more used to this sort of meeting, a different person can be assigned the role of moderator each week.

o Shut off distractions. The television, radio, or other audio/visual distractions should be shut off for the family meeting.

o Set the mood. Children often enjoy adding ritual to any event, so consider turning off the lights and having the meeting by candlelight. Or, make sure the table is clean, the plates and food moved off, and there is lots of room for elbow leaning and reaching as you pass the talking stick. Or, consider always adding a vase of fresh flowers, or a potted plant, to give a symbol of health and beauty during the meeting.

o Have snacks on the table. Younger children and teens can last longer at the table if you have some snacks. Raw vegetables, cheese, and fruit, can all help keep them focused. If you have the family meeting right after dinner, this can substitute for desert.

o Don't use this as a forum for private issues. If you have issues with your spouse or children that are really personal to that person, keep it off the agenda. No child or teen will appreciate having his issues laid out before the rest of the family. Curfews in general, allowances, in general, are perfect here. But, deciding what to do about the twelve year old who just got caught shop lifting should be done privately (don't try to tell me I am not the only one whose children misstep from time to time).

o Use this as a forum for role modeling and practicing your talking and listening skills. This is a great venue for the parents to show the children how to talk to each other and how to listen to each other. The rest of the week, things can be rushed and complicated, but just like eating at grandma's is a great place to practice good table manners, family meetings can be a great place to practice how to talk and listen.

o End with a ritual. This may be a prayer, or perhaps the family members can join hands and say "Thank you " in unison, or, each family member can thank the others for listening and for contributing. The ritual itself is less important than what it represents, that is, the close of the meeting and the acknowledgement of contributions.

Family meetings are a positive and effective way for family members to stay connected and to be reminded weekly that they are each other's primary source of caring and support. These gatherings allow the children and teens in the family to participate as partners in the communication process and to realize that they have an important contribution to make to the overall strength of the family unit.

Family meetings are also a valuable way to get everyone to sit down and look at each other. It is sometimes amazing how we can go through the week without ever stopping to really say "hi" to each other, or for siblings to notice that they are growing, or changing. Family meetings provide a stage on which you can really get to know each other and begin to establish the foundations for the kind of relationships you hope your children will have with each other when they grow up.

Exercise

Think about how your family communicated important issues and resolved or negotiated change. Consider these questions:

1. Did your parents communicate change and other issues with the children in your family?

2. How did you work out family rules? Decisions?

3. If you didn't use family meetings, was there any times when you all sat down together and talked? Resolved? Questioned? Organized?

4. How did you communicate with your siblings about what was important to you?

5. Did your family members know what was happening with each other?

6. Did your family plan things together?

7. Were you and your siblings ever included in decision making processes that impacted you directly?

8. Did the method of presenting and discussing issues weaken your family?

9. Did the method of presenting and discussing issues help you to feel bonded to your parents and siblings?

10. Did your method of presenting and discussing issues last into adulthood?

Now, think about your current family, or current important relationships and consider the following:

1. Do you have a means of communicating issues, events, plans, in your family today?

2. Do you have an organized means of seeking input on family issues from your children?

3. Do your children ever express that they wish they had some input on decisions that impact them?

4. Does your method of presenting and discussing issues help you all to work toward resolution of disagreement?

5. How do you feel when you have not been included in decision making or information sharing in your family today/

6. How can you use family meetings to strengthen your family today?

By Brenda McCreight Ph.D.

Family values

2010-10-17T04:49:00.000+02:00

What is the family's values? When politicians go to the podium and begins to talk about restoring family values, where values are they talking about? Family values can mean many things to different people, and to leave the family values in the hands of politicians is exactly what?

Some attribute the family values of the fundamental biblical principles while the second concentrates family values on discipline and factors that responsibility to become an adult. Many argue that today's parents are too soft on children, and that society has left over sensitive children.Some believe that spanking your children public is their parents ' right while others believe that Spanking is abuse and teaches in fear and violence, which is right?

Some interpret the meaning of family values as the value of the family, as in traditional families, with a mother and a father and the family dog. Other interpreters family values mean value of the family, the value of giving children a warm, safe place to learn and to grow, to return everyday from the world and know they are loved and learn to be responsible adults.

By interpreting the family values as a definition of the family, what others think is "the right kind of" family, what are we harm ' we are not really damage the adults in the family.When we point to a single parent family, an inter-racial family, a gay family or all the families that someone's fantasy decided was not "properly" family, and we are abandoning their right to be considered as a family, is the children who get offended; the children's self esteem and identity in the world is suffering, and the children will learn to hate each other for the decisions their parents have been taken.

Family values should be at the quality of the family.This means that the principles of love, tolerance, acceptance, responsibility, security and the family's ability to make correct while out in the world and under their own roof.

Family values were in the hands of each individual, family, and whether or not they exercise its ability to give the world positively and effectively influence. Every day people have the power to teach their children positive influence or negative influence. Every day children are able to either be positive or negative forces forces; families with strong family values are the ones that motivate their children to be positive forces in the world, and that will lead them by example.

When politicians make promises to restore the family's values, exactly why is it that they intend to get to the head of each parent and influence them enough to teach their children to become stronger, better and more environmentally friendly? by talking about them, they are not the "correct" type of family?Family values is up to each individual family, not the political system; Family values freedom of choice, and while there may be those who oppose the values that some families, it simply is not room for families to defy the nuclear family definition open criticism.

The moment a judgment determines which creates a "right family ' and a ' wrong family," opposition heats up, defiance and cause-oriented protest begin and people get so lost in order to defend their right to join a family as the Basic code for family values will be lost on both sides.Attacking people love their children as they do not fit into a political framework work is really laughable.Political decisions and political values tend to appeal to just one sector of society.

By allowing the Government to decide what is truly the right moral code of the family structure, we left our fundamental freedoms right back in the hands of State policy.Our choice, freedom of expression and freedom to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are all located in terrible danger moment politicians define a family.

There is no denying that there is a crisis in the United States when it comes to family structure; however, the crisis is not one which is intermingled with white Christian policy.We have a half of the country's busy trying to make enough money to make ends meet and give food to the children be home to discipline their children, and we have the other half to recruit the help of reality TV to teach them how to discipline their children because they do not know how. Society has become so sensitive that of disciplining their children that parents are being beaten up by his 5 year olds, and do nothing about it, I am not sure. hitting children. I am not one to say that Spanking solves the disciplinary problems; But I believe that the family values will teach children from errors, no matter how many parents are in the household, what color they are, what their income level is or how many of each sex is. Discipline is a form of teaching. teach children right from wrong and the obvious consequences that go along with makes no right and wrong in our society; it is a question of parents, not Government, should address.

David Beart is the owner of www.professorshouse.com [http://www.professorshouse.com]. our Web site includes tax information [http://www.professorshouse.com/pets/cats/cats.aspx], household's finances, family Forum [http://www.professorshouse.com/forum], recipes and other household appliances.

Family Business-The Tie that binds-a written code of conduct can pave the way

2010-10-16T17:19:00.000+02:00

Many business owners are struggling with the decision to hold or sell family business due to a lack of obvious successor. Inertia is a common problem in the family business and should be expected. Major causes of indecision is inadequate succession planning and misunderstanding about the "rules for conduct of the family." A qualified successor to the role of CEO may not be detected or may not have step forward because expectations regarding their working in the company must not be notified. It is very possible that unwritten family code of conduct (all family businesses have no) means that members should wait to hear from CEO before asking questions.

STATEMENT FAMILY MISSIONS

When the original contractor panic because of succession, need several critical questions concerning the interaction between business and family life.
Without taking up a few important issues and without discussing the answers in an open position, the family dialogue only a matter of time before the crisis looms and activities must be sold.Just as all businesses need a written policy plan, the family a written code of conduct or Family family Business mission statement; Family code can be a powerful tool and can be used to develop a framework for dialogue during family gatherings or annual business retreat locations.
Some critical issues to address to start developing a family of conduct and terms of reference that include:

How committed we are to keep your business in the family?
Shares Can be transferred between family members?
Is there a Buy-sell agreement between family members?
Let's form a family Council, which includes both active and inactive members of the family, so can we have a forum to openly discuss issues that companies?
Are members of the family is expected to work in the company, or are they free to look elsewhere?
The font characteristics and skills expected of family members join the activity?
All family members offered a job?
Other relatives or in-laws, that person Will be invited to participate in the activities?
What level of education is expected before the merge activity?
How will be assigned the responsibility and titles?
Will non-family managers employed?
How can performance be evaluated?
The training programme, we offer family members?
Can family members be heated?
How should each individual compensation level determined?
That will hold leadership positions?
How shall we give meaningful careers for individuals in leadership positions?
Outside of work experience is required before a family business?
Who is eligible to be the next PRESIDENT?
There is a scheduled retirement of the current leader, or a date to send control to subsequent leaders? There are a number of leadership plan?Should we have a Board of Directors and, if so, should the Board relatives?Which family members are eligible to sit on the Board of Directors? How is solved business disagreements, as well as family disagreements? What family members allowed to vote on strategic business issues? Will we operate in a Business first mode or works we as family first?

THERE ARE NO SIMPLE ANSWERS

There are many more questions that could be added to the list.
Questions that remain for entrepreneurs to consider, because there is no default answer.Questions such as these separate family businesses from other entrepreneurial endeavors.A response to the questions are often missed is that family companies are emotion-packed and answer questions can lead to the infamous "family feud."

Although dealing with issues which can be painful, cannot respond to them, lead to disappointment later. Hold a family meeting and engage in a dialogue with members of the family may at first seem risky, but when the words streamed, enthusiasm can build.Which issues are dealt with, will be the future more clearly and more manageable.Daily sensibilities will decrease and several of the management's time can be spent on critical operational and strategic issues; Activities then will have a better chance of success and can be better prepared to survive generational change ownership changes.

THREE DIFFICULT ISSUES

Three additional General issues should at all times, be given as the future of the company are planned:

What we have? "what we want? how we get there?

Don't be fooled, and believe that this is the simple issues; these issues applies to each company, as well as the family's overall financial planning; Developing responses to "How do we get there?" can pave the way to deal with specific questions about the list longer above; Developing and documenting a family code of conduct is a good start.

Daniel j. Maloney, CPA, CFP is founder and Principal of Certified Acquisition Associates LLC, a business intermediary firms specializing in sales, mergers and acquisitions of middle management market companies; If you have questions about how to prepare your business for sale, send a note to questions@certifiedacquisitions.com

Family Therapy for Happy Families

2010-10-16T07:29:00.000+02:00

What is family therapy?

Family therapy is a form of psychotherapy aimed at solving family issues through family counselling. A treatment that family therapy is multiple or all family members involved that this technique finds the family as a unit. Emphasis is placed on the members that are directly related to the problem. Issues such as marriage, divorce, child-parent relationships, family conflicts, depression, addiction and similar family matters are usually managed by family therapists.The focus of family therapy is on family relationships and family interaction. instead of pin point the reason working family therapists on solving the problem with emphasis on the strength of the family.

What makes a family Therapist?

Family therapy sessions has helped hundreds of families are living together happily and peacefully. A family Therapist will inform family members of the family as a unit and the weight of each Member to carry out their roles effectively.A family therapist, helps family members to resolve conflicts through effective communication, minimize gaps. family members made to recognise the importance of the family as a unit. Their behaviour is analyzed and if they want to change their behaviour they explained why and how. Family therapy is a very efficient technique to create happy families.

In order to solve problems implementing family therapists ordinary sessions after the interval. They ask family members, either to undertake certain activities or behave in a certain way to solve problems and to achieve the goals of the family therapy sessions. Family therapy works best is when involved understand its importance, convinced, and willing to participate in solving the problem.

In what areas helps family therapy?

Family therapy for parent-child conflict:Parent-child relational problems are very common and can occur as a result of indifferent attitude of parents or children, bad company, less time for children, disagreement on various issues, etc., Family therapists work in order to achieve a better understanding of resolving conflicts. Family therapy can also resolve the pending questions family members in family life, as well as problems in the workplace, to raise children, social relationships, and relationships between family members.

Family therapy for learning disabilities:Family therapy can treat children with learning disabilities (USA) or development disabilities (UK). Learning disabilities refers to low General Intelligence of the person in comparison with the other.Family therapy can develop cognitive social-emotional skills-in young minds and inspire children to control their emotions and improve their performance.

Family therapy for marriage and Divorce:Family therapy can transform relationships gone sour smiley relations through therapy session for Family therapists educate pair. both members to manage conflicting situations delicately. to solve problems that can lead to happy relationships through in-depth discussions and the change in attitude.They promote the couple to make a new start.

Family therapy for chronic Medical Illness:Family therapy also works well in cases where a family member suffering from chronic diseases such as AIDS, which can cause psychological trauma for the whole family; family therapy discussion sessions enable families to cope with this difficult situation and help patients overcome disease with a positive attitude.

In addition to the above listed issues, you can also contact a licensed and qualified family therapist, resolving issues of family violence, child abuse and incest, death in the family, traumatic events, etc.

Ackerman Institute for family is intended to help families and dedicated to educating family therapists; For more information visit: http://www.ackerman.org.

Kevin is a freelance Writer and has written many informative articles; this time he wrote the article on Family therapy for good Families.

Resilience in individual and family systems

2010-10-15T21:42:00.000+02:00

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Webster's Dictionary (1974) defines resilience as "an ability to recover from or adjust easily to change or misfortune" (p. 596). Although this definition is widely accepted, resilience may be conceptualized as being more than merely bouncing back from setbacks. Resilience may also be the ability to bounce forward in the face of an uncertain future (Walsh, 2004). Resilience has been conceptualized as the forging of strengths through adversity (Wolin & Wolin, 1993). Like the willow tree, people thrive if they have a strong, healthy root system. With branches flexible enough to bend with the storm and firm enough to weather strong winds without breaking, the willow tree can continue to grow despite being twisted into differing shapes. The willow tree may be a metaphor for the resilient individual and resilient family system. Resiliency is critical to mental health and healthy aging.

Bonanno (2004) defined adult resilience as a person's capacity to resist maladaptation in the face of risky experiences. Bonanno's individually-based definition of adult resilience assumes that resilience resides in the person, an observation supported by the list of individual attributes that covary with resilient outcomes in Bonanno's work (hardiness, self-enhancement, repressive coping, and positive emotion.). Importantly, this definition of resilience does not identify the positive outcomes that can result from adversity in the hardy individual. Despite Bonanno's (2004) narrow definition, his analysis includes an interesting finding that loss and brief traumatic experiences, despite being aversive and difficult to accept, are normatively not sufficient to overwhelm the adaptive resources of ordinary adults. Bonanno's research calls into question the research of Sameroff, Bartko, Baldwin, Baldwin, and Seifer (1998), which demonstrated in longitudinal analyses that as levels of adversity rise, and as resources fall, resilience becomes less tenable.

Rutter (1985) observed that strong self-esteem and self-efficacy make successful coping more likely, whereas a sense of helplessness increases the likelihood that one crisis will lead to another. In a similar vein, Kobasa's (1985) research findings supported his hypothesis that people with resilience possess three general traits: (1.) the belief that they can influence or control events in their lives; (2.) an ability to feel deeply committed and involved in activities in their lives; and (3.) a tendency to embrace change as an opportunity to grow and develop more fully. Thus, resilient children are more likely to have an inner locus of control (Seligman, 1990), or an optimistic belief that they can positively impact their fate.

Dugan and Coles (1989) suggest that individuals prevail over adversity more effectively if they have moral and spiritual resources. In a phenomenological study of nine subjects who had experienced such traumas as life in a concentration camp, disability, breast cancer, massive head injury, a life of violence and abuse, and loss of a child, Rose (1997) identified similar themes of resilience which emerged from individual interviews: the role of supportive others, empathy, self-care, faith, action orientation, moving on, positive outlook, and persistence. Rose identifies the foundational structure of resilience as faith, self-respect, striving, supportive others, coping, empathy, self-reliance, and moving on.

Closer scrutiny of children and families that are at risk reveals many exceptions to the "damage model" of development, which considers stress or disadvantage as predictive of dysfunction. For example, Werner and Smith (1992) conducted an extensive longitudinal study of almost a half a century of children from Kuai. The researchers found that in spite of early medical distress, poverty, school difficulties, teen pregnancy, or arrest, children were able to learn and persevere through difficulty, given adequate supports. In their analysis of how these impoverished children matured successfully, Vaillant (2002) notes that Werner and Smith emphasized, ". . . the importance of being a 'cuddly' child and of being a child who elicits predominantly positive responses from the environment and who manifests great skill at recruiting substitute parents" (p. 285). Werner and Smith point out that key turning points for most of these troubled individuals were meeting a caring friend and marrying an accepting spouse. It is also salient that Werner and Smith found that more girls than boys overcame adversity at all age levels. Walsh (2004) speculates that this finding reflects the notion that ". . . girls are raised to be both more easygoing and more relationally-oriented, whereas boys are taught to be tough and self-reliant through life. . . [and] often because of troubled family lives, competencies were built when early responsibilities were assumed for household tasks and care of younger siblings" (pp. 13-14). Werner and Smith's study is especially important in reminding clinicians that early life experiences do not necessarily guarantee significant problems in later life. Walsh (2004) suggests that their most significant finding is that resilience can be developed at any point over the course of the life cycle. Walsh extrapolates from Werner and Smith's research that ". . . unexpected events and new relationships can disrupt a negative chain and catalyze new growth" (p. 14). Favorable interactions with individuals, families and their environments have a systemic effect of moving resilience in upward spirals, and a downward spiral can be reversed at any time in life (Walsh, 2004).

Felsman and Vaillant (1987) followed the lives of 75 males living in impoverished, socially disadvantaged families. People who suffered from substance abuse, mental illness, crime and violence parented these men. Several of these men, although scarred by their childhoods, lived brave lives and became high functioning adults. Felsman and Vaillant concluded, "The events that go wrong in our lives do not forever damn us" (1987, p. 298).

Another study refuting the accuracy of the "damage model" is Kaufman and Zigler's (1987) finding that most survivors of childhood abuse do not go on to abuse their own children. Similarly, other research found that children of mentally ill parents or dysfunctional families have been able to prevail over early experiences of abuse or neglect to lead productive lives (Anthony, 1987; Cohler, 1987; Garmezy, 1987).

Werner (1995) identified clusters of protective factors that have emerged as recurrent themes in the lives of children who overcame great odds. The protective factors that were characteristic of the individual were myriad. Resilient youngsters are engaging to other people. Additionally, they excel in problem-solving skills and display effective communication skills. Problem solving skills included the ability to recruit substitute caregivers. Moreover, they have a talent or hobby valued by their elders or peers. Finally, they have faith that their own actions can make a positive difference in their lives.

From a developmental perspective, Werner (1995) emphasizes that having affectional ties that encourage trust, autonomy, and initiative enhances resilience. Members of the extended family or support systems in the community frequently provide these ties. These support systems reinforce and reward the competencies of resilient children and provide them with positive role models. Such supports may include caring neighbors, clergy, teachers, and peers.

In Vaillant's (2002) Study of Adult Development at Harvard University, arguably the longest longitudinal study on aging in the world, it is suggested that resiliency researchers who focus on risk factors and pathology are mistaken in believing that misfortune condemns disadvantaged children to bleak futures. Instead, Vaillant calls upon clinicians to count up the positive and the protective factors when conducting assessments. Vaillant cites Sir Michael Rutter (1985), who reminds clinicians, "The notion that adverse experiences lead to lasting damage to personality 'structure' has very little empirical support" (p. 598).

Vaillant (2002) identifies four protective factors in the individual's potential to age well. A future orientation, a capacity for gratitude and forgiveness, a capacity to love and to hold the other empathically, and the desire do things with people instead of to people are personal qualities identified as resiliency factors. He posits that ". . . marriage is not only important to healthy aging, it is often the cornerstone of adult resilience" (p. 291).

Furthermore, Vaillant (2002) describes resilience as being a combination of nature and nurture. Both genes and environment play crucial roles. He explains, "On one hand, our ability to feel safe enough to deploy adaptive defenses like humor and altruism is facilitated by our being among loving friends. On the other hand, our ability to appear so attractive to others that they will love us is very much dependent upon the genetic capacity that made some of us 'easy' attractive babies" (p. 285).

An essential part of resilience is ". . . the ability to find the loving and health-giving individuals within one's social matrix wherever they may be" (Vaillant, 2002, p. 286). Thus, like Werner and Smith (1992), Vaillant's research identified extended families and friendship networks as key foundations to resilience in the individual and the family system.

American culture glorifies the "rugged individual." John Wayne, the personification of masculinity and strength, has been adored by generations of Americans as a hero. However, there is an inherent danger in the myth of rugged individualism, which implies that vulnerability and emotional interdependence are weak and dysfunctional (Walsh, 2004). As Felsman and Vaillant (1987) note, "The term 'invulnerability' is antithetical to the human condition. . . In bearing witness to the resilient behavior of high-risk children everywhere, a truer effort would be to understand, in form and by degree, the shared human qualities at work" (p. 304). Avoidance of personal suffering and the glorification of stoicism are hallmarks of American culture. Such cultural attitudes are typified by the call to "move on," to "cheer up," to get over catastrophic events, to put national and global tragedies behind us, or to rebound (Walsh, 2004). Higgins (1994) notes that struggling well involves experiencing both suffering and courage, effectively processing and working through challenges from intrapersonal and interpersonal perspectives. In Higgin's study of resilient adults, it became clear that they became stronger because they were severely tested, endured suffering, and developed new strengths as a result of their trials. These adults experienced their lives more deeply and passionately. Walsh (2004) observes that over fifty per cent of the resilient individuals studied by Higgins were therapists. Egeland, B. R., Carlson, E. and Sroufe (1993) offer an alternative approach to thinking about resilience as ". . . a family of processes that scaffold successful adaptation in the context of adversity" (p. 517).

Important research conducted by Wolin and Wolin (1993) points toward the notion that although some children are born with innate resiliencies, resiliency can be modeled, taught, and increased. They emphasize that persons tend to seek healing from pain instead of holding on to bitterness. The researchers note that the resilient person draws lessons from experience instead of repeating mistakes, and that they maintain openness and spontaneity in their relationships rather than becoming rigid or bitter in interaction. Wolin and Wolin also found that resiliency in individuals is strongly correlated with humor and creativity, as well as mental and physical health. The Wolins identify seven traits of adults who survived a troubled childhood: insight (awareness of dysfunction), independence (distancing self from troubles), relationships (supportive connections with others), initiative (self/other-help actions), creativity (self-expression, transformation), humor (reframing in a less threatening way), and morality (justice and compassion rather than revenge). Traits are viewed as dynamic processes by which resilient individuals adapt to and grow through challenge, rather than static properties that automatically protect the invulnerable. These observations are correlated with empirical studies of resilient children (Baldwin, Baldwin, & Cole, 1990; Bernard, 1991; Garbarino, 1992; Masten, Best, & Garmezy, 1990; Werner & Smith, 1992) and adults (Klohnen, Vandewater, and Young, 1996, Vaillant, 2002).

Walsh (2004) asserts, "In the field of mental health, most clinical theory, training, practice, and research have been overwhelmingly deficit-focused, implicating the family in the cause or maintenance of nearly all problems in individual functioning. Under early psychoanalytic assumptions of destructive maternal bonds, the family came to be seen as a noxious influence. Even the early family systems formulations focused on dysfunctional family processes well in the mid-1980's" (p. 15).

The popularity of the Adult Children of Alcoholics Movement surged in the late twentieth century and encouraged people to blame their families for their problems. This movement tempted the individual to make excuses for his behavior in terms of his dysfunctional family history instead of looking for family strengths that might help him/her overcome challenge and become stronger. Adult Children of Alcoholics ". . . spend much of their time other-focused, and it is easy for them to become preoccupied with another group member's problem, take responsibility for it, and avoid the painful job of self-examination and taking responsibility for their own behavior" (Lawson & Lawson, 1998, p. 263).

In contrast to this damage model, the Wolins offered an alternative way to view challenging family backgrounds: a Challenge Model to build resilience, stating that ". . . the capacity for self-repair in adult children of alcoholics taught [them] that strength can emerge from adversity" (p. 15). The Wolins reflect a paradigm shift in recent years, as family systems therapists have started to focus upon a competence-based, strength-oriented approach (Barnard, 1994; Walsh, 1993, 1995a). A family resilience approach builds on recent research, empowering therapists to move away from deficit and focus upon ways that families can be challenged to grow stronger from adversity (Walsh, 2004). From the perspective of the Challenge Model, stressors can become potential springboards for increased competence, as long as the level of stress is not too high (Wolin & Wolin, 1993). Walsh notes, "The Chinese symbol for the word 'crisis' is a composite of two pictographs: the symbols for 'danger' and 'opportunity'" (p. 7). Wolin and Wolin (1993) observe that we may not wish for adversity, but the paradox of resilience is that our worst times can also become our best.

It is clear that the extensive research on resilient individuals largely points toward the social nature of resilience. However, most resiliency theory has approached the systemic context of resilience tangentially, in terms of the influence of a single, important person, such as a parent or caregiver (Bowlby, 1988). Looking at resilient family functioning through a systemic lens calls upon the clinician to view individual resilience as being embedded in family process and mutual influence (Walsh, 2004). Walsh suggests that if ". . . researchers and clinicians adopt a broader perspective beyond a dyadic bond and early relationships, [they] become aware that resilience is woven in a web of relationships and experiences over the course of the life cycle and across the generations" (p. 12).

It has only been in the last twenty five years or so that families that cope well under stress have been the subject of research (Stinnet & DeFrain, 1985; Stinnett, Knorr, DeFrain, & Rowe, 1981). A growing body of knowledge has pointed toward the multidimensional nature of family processes that distinguish adaptive family systems from maladaptive family systems (Walsh, 2004). Walsh (2004) defines "family resilience" as ". . . the coping and adaptational processes in the family as a functional unit," [and adds that]. . . a systems perspective enables us to understand how family processes mediate stress and enable families to surmount crisis and weather prolonged hardship" (p. 14). Strong families create a climate of optimism, resourcefulness, and nurturance which mirrors the traits of resilient individuals (Walsh, 2004). In fact, research on family adaptation and on family strengths suggests the following traits of resilient families: commitment, cohesion, adaptability, communication, spirituality, effective resource management, and coherence (Abbott, et al., 1990; Antonovsky, 1987; Beavers & Hampson, 1990; Moos & Moos, 1976; Olson, Russell, & Sprenkle, 1989; Reiss, 1981; Stinnett, et al., 1982). Walsh observes, ". . . a family resilience lens fundamentally alters our perspective by enabling us to recognize, affirm, and build upon family resources" (Walsh, 2004, p. viii). Rutter's (1987) research added further confirmation that resilience is fostered in family interactions through a chain of indirect influences that inoculate family members against long-term damage from stressful events. It is essential to consider family resilience as a major variable in a family's ability to cope and adapt in the face of stress (McCubbin, McCubbin, McCubbin, & Futrell, 1995).

Bennett, Wolin, and Reiss (1988) concluded from their research that children who grew up in alcoholic families that deliberately planned and executed family rituals, valued relationships, and preferred roles were less likely to exhibit behavior or emotional problems. They argue that families with serious problems, such as parental alcoholism, which can still impose control over those parts of family life that are central to the family's identity, communicate important messages to their children regarding their ability to take control of present and future life events. These messages can determine the extent to which the children are protected from developing future problems, including alcoholism in adolescence and adulthood.

Patterson (1983) asserts that it is only to the extent that stressors interrupt important family processes that children are impacted. However, from a systemic perspective, it is not only the child who is vulnerable or resilient; most salient is how the family system influences eventual adjustment (Walsh, 2004). Even those family members who are not directly touched by a crisis are profoundly affected by the family response, with reverberations for all other relationships (Bowen, 1978). Following from these ideas, it is clear that "Slings and arrows of misfortune strike us all, in varying ways and times over each family's life course. What distinguishes healthy families is not the absence of problems, but rather their coping and problem-solving abilities" (Walsh, 2004, p. 15).

From an ecological perspective, Rutter (1987) suggests that it is not enough to take into account the sphere of the family as influencing risk and resilience in the individual and family life cycles. He emphasizes that it is also incumbent upon therapists to assess the interplay between families and the political, social, economic, and social climates in which people either thrive or perish. Rutter's findings suggest that it is insufficient to focus exclusively on bolstering at-risk individuals and families, but there must also be public policy efforts to change the odds against them.

In the twenty first century, it is apparent that the configuration of the family is shifting. Diverse forms of family systems do not inherently damage children (Walsh, 2004). Walsh emphasizes, "It is not family form, but rather family processes, that matter most for healthy functioning and resilience" (p. 16).

One family process that governs how a family responds to a new situation is the way in which shared beliefs shape and reinforce communication patterns (Reiss, 1981). Hadley and his colleagues (1974) found that a disruptive transition or crisis could potentiate a major shift in the family belief system, with both immediate and long-term effects on reorganization and adaptation. Additionally, Carter and McGoldrick (1999) suggest that how a family perceives a stressful situation intersects with legacies of previous crises in the multigenerational system to influence the meaning the family makes of the adversity and its response to it.

Walsh (2004) asserts, "A cluster of two or more concurrent stresses complicates adaptation as family members struggle with competing demands, and emotions can easily spill over into conflict. . . . Over time, a pileup of stressors, losses, and dislocations can overwhelm a family's coping efforts, contributing to family strife, substance abuse, and emotional or behavioral symptoms of distress (often expressed by children in the family)" (p. 21). Figley (1989) noted that catastrophic events that occur suddenly and without warning can be particularly traumatic. Bowen (1978) suggested that shock wave effects of a trauma might reverberate through the system and extend forward into multiple generations. Thus, Walsh (2004) calls upon therapists to take a systemic approach to intervention in the face of crisis, with interventions that ". . . strengthen key interactional processes that foster healing, recovery, and resilience, enabling the family and its members to integrate the experience and move on with life" (p. 22).

To understand resilience, one must also look through a developmental lens (Carter & McGoldrick, 1999). Neugarten (1976) found that stressful life events are more apt to cause maladaptive functioning when they are unexpected. Also, multiple stressors create cumulative effects, and chronic severe conditions are more likely to affect functioning adversely. However, Cohler (1987) and Vaillant's (1995) research found that the role of early life experience in determining adult capacity to overcome adversity is less important than was previously believed. Thus, discontinuity and long-term perspectives on the individual and family life cycle point toward the idea that people are constantly "becoming" and have life courses that are flexible and multidetermined (Falicov, 1988). Furthermore, Walsh (2004) suggests that ". . . an adaptation that serves well at one point in development may later not be useful in meeting other challenges" (p. 13). Research has pointed toward a greater risk in vulnerability for boys in childhood and for girls in adolescence (Elder, Caspi, & Nguyen, 1985; Werner & Smith, 1982). All these variables highlight the dynamic nature of resilience over time.

In the field of family therapy, it is incumbent upon researchers and practitioners to recognize that successful treatment depends as much on the resources of the family as on the resources of the individual or the skills of the clinician (Karpel, 1986; Minuchin, 1992). Family processes can influence the aftermath of many traumatic events, reverberating into the course of the lives of people in future generations. Individual resilience must be understood and nurtured in the context of the family and vice-versa. Both immediate crisis and chronic stressors affect the entire family and all its members, posing threats not only to the individual, but also for relational conflict and family breakdown in current and future generations. Family processes may mediate the impact of crisis on all members and their relationships. Protective processes build resilience by promoting recovery and buffering stress. Indeed, healthy family processes influence the effects of present and future crises far into the future (Bowen, 1978; Kerr & Bowen, 1988). Since all families and their members have the potential to become more resilient, family therapists should work to maximize that potential by strengthening key processes within the individual and within the system.

References Abbott, D. A., & Meredith, W. (1988). Characteristics of strong families: Perceptions of ethnic parents. Home Economics Research Journal, 17, 140-147.

Anthony, E. J. (1987). Risk, vulnerability, and resilience: An overview. In E. J. Anthony & B. Cohler (Eds.), The invulnerable child. New York: Guilford Press.

Anatovsky, A. (1987). Unraveling the mystery of health: How people manage stress and stay well. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Baldwin, A. L., Baldwin, C., & Cole, R. E. (1990). Stress-resistant families and stress-resistant children. In J. Rolf, A. S. Mastern, D. Chichetti, K. H. Neuchterlein, and S. Weintraub (Eds.), Risk and protective factors in the development of psychopathology (pp. 257-280). New York: Cambridge University Press.

Beavers, W. R., & Hampson, R. B. (1990). Successful families: Assessment and intervention. New York: Norton.

Bennett, L. A., Wolin, S. J., & Reiss, D. (1988). Deliberate family process: A strategy for protecting children of alcoholics. British Journal of Addiction, 83, 821-829.

Bernard, B. (1991). Fostering resiliency in kids: Protective factors in the family, school, and Community. Western Regional Center for Drug-free Schools and Communities.

Bonanno, G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events? American Psychologist, 59, 20-28.

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. New York: Jason Aronson.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. New York: Basic Books.

Carter, B., & McGoldrick, M. (Eds.). (1999). The expanded family life cycle: Individual, family, and social perspectives (3rd ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn and Bacon.

Cohler, B. (1987). Adversity, resilience, and the study of lives. In E. J. Anthony & B. Cohler (Eds.), The invulnerable child. New York: Guilford Press.

Dugan, T., & Coles, R. (Eds.). (1989). The child in our times: Studies in the development of resiliency. New York: Brunner/Mazel.

Elder, G., Caspi, A., & Nguyen, T. V. (1985). Resourceful and vulnerable children: Family influences in hard times. In R. K. Silbereisen & K. Eyferth (Eds.), Development in context. New York: Springer.

Egeland, B. R., Carlson, E., & Stroufe, L. A. (1993). Resilience as process. Development and Psychopathology, 5, 517-528.

Falicov, C. J. (Ed.). (1988). Family transitions: Continuity and change over the life cycle. New York: Guilford Press.

Felsman, J. K., & Vaillant, G. (1987). Resilient children as adults: A 40-year study. In E. J. Anthony & B. Cohler (Eds.), The invulnerable child. New York: Guilford Press.

Figley, C. (1989). Helping traumatized families. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Garbarino, J. (1992). Children and families in the social environment. New York: Aldine deGruyter.

Garmezy, N. (1987). Stress, competence, and development: Continuities in the study of schizophrenic adults, children vulnerable to psychopathology, and the search for stress-resistant children. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 57, 159-174.

Hadley, T., Jacob, T., Miliones, J., Caplan, J., & Spitz, D. (1974). The relationship between family developmental crises and the appearance of symptoms in a family member. Family Process, 13, 207-214.

Higgins, G. O. (1994). Resilient adults: Overcoming a cruel past. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Karpel, M. (1986). Family resources: The hidden partner in family therapy. New York: Guilford Press.

Kaufman, J., & Zigler, E. (1987). Do abused children become abusive parents? American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 57, 186-192.

Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation: An approach based on Bowen theory. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

Klohnen, E. C., Vandewater, E. A., & Young, A. (1996). Negotiating the middle years: Ego-resiliency and successful midlife adjustment in women. Psychology and Aging, 11, 431-442.

Kobasa, S. (1985). Stressful life events, personality, and health: An inquiry into hardiness. In A. Monat & R. Lazarus (Eds.), Stress and coping (2nd ed.). New York: Columbia University Press.

Lawson, A., & Lawson, G. (1998). Alcoholism and the family: A guide to treatment and prevention (2nd ed.). Gaithersburg, Maryland: Aspen Publishers.

Masten, A. S., Best, K. M., & Garmezy, N. (1990). Resilience and development: Contributions from the study of children who overcome adversity. Development and Psychopathology, 2, 425-444.

McCubbin, H., McCubbin, M., McCubbin, A., & Futrell, J. (Eds.). (1995). Resiliency in ethnic minority families: Vol. 1. Native and immigrant families. Madison: Center for Excellence in Family Studies, University of Wisconsin.

Minuchin, S. (1992). Family healing: Strategies for hope and understanding. New York: Macmillan.

Moos, R., & Moos, B. S. (1976). A typology of family social environments. Family Process, 15, 357-371.

Neugarten, B. (1976). Adaptation and the life cycle. The Counseling Psychologist, 6, 16-20. Olson, D. H., Russell, C. S., & Sprenkle, D. H. (Eds.). (1989). Circumplex model of marital and family systems. In F. Walsh (Ed.), Normal family processes (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.

Patterson, G. (1983). Stress: A change agent for family process. In N. Garmezy & M. Rutter (Eds.), Stress, coping, and development in children. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Reiss, D. (1981). The family's construction of reality. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Rose, J. M. (1997). Footprints on the soul: Journeys from trauma to resilience (Doctoral Dissertation, The Fielding Institute, 1997). Dissertation Abstracts International, 57, 7227.

Rutter, M. (1985). Resilience in the face of adversity: Protective factors and resistance to psychiatric disorder. British Journal of Psychiatry, 147, 598-611.

Rutter, M. (1987). Psychosocial resilience and protective mechanisms. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 57, 316-331.

Sameroff, A. J., Bartko, W. T., Baldwin, A., Baldwin, C., & Seifer, R. (1998). Family and social influences on the development of child competence. In M. Lewis & C. Feiring (Eds.), Families, risk, and competence (pp. 161-185). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

Seligman, M. (1990). Learned optimism. New York: Random House.

Stinnett, N., & DeFrain, J. (1985). Secrets of strong families. Boston: Little, Brown.

Stinnett, N., Knorr, B., DeFrain, J., & Rowe, G. (1981). How strong families cope with crises. Family Perspective, 15, 159-166.

Stinnett, N., Sander, G., DeFrain, J., & Parhhurst, A. (1982). A nationwide perspective of families who perceive themselves as strong. Family Perspective, 16, 15-22.

Vaillant, G. (1995). Adaptation to life. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Vaillant, G. E. (2002). Aging well. New York: Little, Brown and Company.

Walsh, F. (1998). Strengthening family resilience. New York: The Guilford Press.

Werner, E. E. (1995). Resilience in development. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 4, 81-85.

Werner, E. E., & Smith, R. S. (1982). Vulnerable, but invincible: A study of resilient children. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Werner, E. E., & Smith, R. S. (1992). Overcoming the odds: High risk children from birth to adulthood. Ithica, NY: Cornell University Press.

Wolin, S. J., & Wolin, S. (1993). The resilient self: How survivors of troubled families rise above adversity. New York: Villard.

Dr. Barbara Cunningham, MFT

Blending families! Sounds simple-but is it?

2010-10-15T10:45:00.000+02:00

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Mine Yours and Ours. Remember the old movie? It was a comedy. In real life, mine yours and ours is a very serious matter. Almost half of the marriages today involve kids. His kids, her kids or both.

When a new family is created by marriage the biological and the step parents

have many unanswered questions, many unattended to concerns, many fears and

the knowledge and preparedness to do all within their powers to ensure a

happy blended family where the kids know they belong and are loved and wanted.

How do we ensure that our family will indeed become blended?

You may start with the preparation for, and duties at the wedding.

Involve all the kids and get them as excited as you and your future spouse are.

At the wedding ceremony exchange family wedding vows.

Rather than vows only between bride and groom, family Wedding vows

include all family members. That is, the bride, the groom and the children.

Right after the vows exchange and after you exchange gifts,

welcome each child to the family with a special gift of jewelry.

This may follow by a FAMILY unity candle ceremony.

After the wedding, the most important thing is to put your marital relationship first

as your priority and to stand together regarding rules of the household

with all of your kids. In each of the following situations this may be

easier said than done.

Following are a few scenarios for you to consider.

All the kids live with you,

Your kids live with you while your spouse's kids only visit,

Your spouse's kids live with you while your kids only visit, or

you have split custody with the other biological parents,

The other biological parent(s) is/are single

The other biological parent(s) is/are married.

In the latter, most severe situation, your kids would have up to 6 adults

with different ideas regarding child rearing and discipline, telling them what to do.

Potentially, you'll have to deal with:

Their transitions to/from different households with different house rules?

If there was a divorce, the possibility that the "other parent" incites the kids against you and/or your spouse.

If there was death, kids' anger at the parent who "left them" and anger at "that Person" who "tries to take the place of / replace" the diseased parent.

Being unable or unwilling to compete with the "other parent" for affection, by lavishing the kids with gifts and "whatever they want" and "whatever they do is ok".

Kids do not need things, to know they are loved and wanted.

Kids need a stable nurturing home where both parents work together

as a parenting team and support each other's decisions especially regarding

home rules, traditions and rituals.

The main issue for your family is to have both of you establish your household rules,

traditions and rituals. Do so together and in agreement and include the kids, especially older kids

in forming them.

Have a family meeting or a kitchen table discussion about what members of the family

would like to do on a regular basis. You might be surprised what ideas come up.

If reasonable, try these suggestions. Allowing kids to contribute will make it easier

to enforce these household rules, traditions and rituals without the danger of being seen by the kids as demanding, tough or unreasonable.

Don't let your rules, traditions and rituals waiver, stand together and

support each other in implementing them. However, remember that as

children get older and situations change, rituals and traditions may need

to be adjusted.

When actual discipline is needed it should first come from the child's own parent

and not from the stepparent, though the stepparent needs to back up their spouse,

thus establishing for the children a parental and family cohesiveness.

Your children need to see and experience the strength of your marital relationship,

your commitment to each other and to them, and the strength and stability of your family.

They need to regain the security of being loved and wanted.

Security they lost when their biological parents divorced or in a case of

a parent's death when that parent "left them".

When you re-marry you have high hopes and often see everything

through rose-colored glasses.

The truth is that your second marriage especially when either one or both of you

have children, is much more challenging than the first.

As a new family, you go through phases.

At first, you will experience "the honeymoon phase".

This is when everyone is on their best behavior, excited, happy, giddy,

maybe even showing off for one another.

Then comes the second phase, the "honeymoon is over phase". This is when reality sets in and members of the blended family begin to realize

that they don't like something about this one or are jealous of that one or are

uncomfortable with... and on and on.

Be prepared for the "honeymoon is over" phase and expect hurt feelings,

acting out behaviors, tears, and anger.

Now, you are in a stepfamily, struggling for some sense of family identity. Don't despair.

It is a normal progression when two families blend into one.

Realize that it takes time, patience, understanding, respect and a lot of love to instill

a family cohesiveness and bring up self-assured, secure children.

Give the kids all you have got. Make it a priority to always be involved

in every aspect of the child's life and be there for him or her.

If the children are of school age, inquire about their day and help them with their

schoolwork whenever it is needed. Better yet, encourage older children to help

the younger ones with homework.

If you can spare the time volunteer to help in the kids classes and always make time

to be there for school, sports, and other activities the kids participate in.

Your involvement and the involvement of all kids in their siblings' life will eventually

bring bonding and closeness. The results will be rewarding

and you'll soon forget the difficult times.

It is very important that you let the children know right from the start that respect

for both parents and all siblings is paramount. Yet, you must accept the fact that you

may or may not be able to develop a parental bond with your stepchildren.

Let your relationship progress naturally. Do not force a parental relationship on them.

Do all within your power to earn their respect.

Having achieved this, you start your family blending on the right foot.

As you strive for a united family, set scheduled time for family togetherness.

Whether you call it family night, family meeting, family chat, be sure that

everyone is present and that everyone shares their experiences, and what

is going on in their life inside and outside the home.

Let everyone talk about what is on his or her minds and how they feel, without being judged or reprimanded.

Keep it real simple and age appropriate but do establish open communications and let

the kids know how you feel as well. Reassure the children, that this is what a family is

and that in your family everyone does things for the others. Let them know that they are loved

and that you care for them. Instill in them the realization that all you want is for them to grow up

in a happy home and feel good about themselves and their family. Before long, the kids will look forward to this time together, as it becomes part of your

established blended family ritual.

As important as family time is, make it clear that any child can come to you on a one on one

whenever they feel the need or want to discuss or tell things in private.

Bear in mind that children have a past. They also have feelings.

If these feelings are stifled, children may feel that they are being forced into

a "new" family to replace their "old" family. This in turn will bring forth resentment, anger, frustration and hurt. Therefore,

it is important that the children understand that they are allowed to hang onto the memories

of their previous family, remember them with joy, feel happy about those times that came before

or sad that they are no more, and know that it is "OK" to recall, remember and even

share them aloud with each other.

Through this sharing, and as they get older, they will begin to understand

and realize that in the "new " family they are building new relationships and

creating new memories, not replacing those they already have.

Let each child, if age and ability appropriate, an opportunity to contribute to the family.

Give each child tasks and responsibilities. They may resent it at the

moment but thank you as they reach adulthood.

So far all seems too serious. It is! But family life is not all seriousness!

Make time for fun, and do so often.

Children need individual attention. Give each child your undivided attention as individuals.

Just you and that child. Get to know each child yours and your spouse's.

Give each child opportunities to get to know you.

With all that, do no ignore each other. It is just as important, that you make sure

you set aside time for each other, to foster your love and marital relationship.

Nily Glaser, the CEO of A-wedding Day at: http://www.a-weddingday.com is a retired school principal. Her vast experience with every possible family situation and her concern for children, helped her become an expert. Not only does she write important articles, Nily Glaser has presented workshops for educators and for wedding professionals all over the USA. Nily Glaser pays special attention to enlighten educators, families and wedding professionals. Her web site is a very popular Wedding Resource and Information Center, and a discount shopping mall for wedding gifts, supplies and bridal accessories including the exclusive Wedding Accessories By Nily. To read more of her articles click here.

The Swiss Family Robinson; Or Adventures in a Desert Island

2010-10-14T23:53:00.000+02:00

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The family Business and conflicts

2010-10-14T14:00:00.000+02:00

What is a family Business?

A family business is, in principle, all the companies in which the majority of ownership or control is within a family.Involvement of family members of a business may have its own complexity, because the boundary between the business system is sometimes separated by a thin line from the family system, These 2 positions overlap, sometimes causing all kinds of conflicts.

Families means emotions with includes relationships that carries loyalties and natural love a business system is unemotional and coolly designed to extract the maximum profit from the company.

Styles that are necessary in a family situation may not always fit the business situation; Membership in a family is born membership in a company should, through investment and results.

Families deal with family issues in a particular way in which the head of the family to take a decision either alone or in consultation with another leading member in the family; however, activities have their own systems and methods of communication, as well as the styles include resolution of conflicts and complete decision.

The conflict between Business Systems and family systems

Conflicts arise in the family business in the roles of a system of infringing other roles, and because each Member of the family is in fact part of a dual system problems occur; the overlap of these two systems become really obvious when there are conflicts of interest that occur between family members and activities.

Most families consider the concerns of the utmost importance in all cases but a conservative business owner will ensure that the family concerns and business concern is properly balanced to achieve the highest satisfaction both systems and people involved.

The emotional bonds in family tend too often to the shortcut processes designed to ensure the security of your business and to maximize their success.

For example, family members are in power positions where they have no experience or knowledge simply because they are members of the family.If they came through normal interview and selection, they would not get this position.

This is clearly a case where the family considerations violate normal standards for how business should be run in order to achieve maximum profitability.

Problems in the Family Business

A company is hard enough to handle at the best of times.

A family company with its own issues and problems, and these must be clear before it can participate in a family business, regardless of whether the person is a part of the family or third parties.
A family business is subject to the same problems that beset all other companies except they usually takes an extra one or two, simply because family members are involved.

Some of the questions that most companies have to face includes the following:

Leadership. Who is the leader in the company that makes the final decision and how it will look for companies that move to the next generation.Family harmonyWhat needs to be done to ensure that there is harmony in the family.Successor.Who will be selected to manage and run the family business in the current Chief retires or dies?Any member of his family who are given the responsibility to manage the family business must ensure that sound business and management practices are carried out.Commitment.Who should participate in the family business, and under what conditions?Passes over the Business;What needs to be done to permit the contractor can pass across the business to the next family member?Non-family persons.How are non-family managers and business leaders are attracted and retained and what powers they have to take decisions which may go against the wishes of family members in the activities.Compensation.Should the family members are paid for the work that they are not qualified in? And their salaries should be on the same level that are not members of the family members with greater expertise and knowledge in a particular area?Protecting finances.Many caregivers consider it as their own personal banking and as a place where they can do what they wish; Family care "head" must take a decision, but he will be unpopular with family members, to ensure that the progress and financial health activities.

All the above issues must be assessed in a family situation, since the possibilities for business conflict and family stress can be very high, Way to diffuse the conflict and avoid stress means to identify the queries that cause conflicts and stress and then discuss these issues with all interested members of the family.

StartRunGrow (http://www.startrungrow.com) is a global online information organization that specializes in Creating, developing and marketing enterprise help information specifically for the purpose of "doing business" for entrepreneurs around the world; StartRunGrow objective is to become a dominant player in the enterprise using arena provides comprehensive solutions for the millions of small and medium-sized enterprises throughout the world who continue to struggle every day with the difficulties of starting, running and growing a successful company.

The key that opens the door to extraordinary families

2010-10-14T03:36:00.000+02:00

We have started a new game in our home. Every night at the dinner table we each take is another family member about himself. "So, Rick, how do you know if your interview on Monday?" "MOM, what you want for Christmas?" Sounds like just a normal conversation, right? Well, there is a purpose to our games. We have two introverted boys struggling with social skills. This game was created to better teach them how to communicate and take an interest in other people's lives. As adults, we are all needed to start a conversation with another person or communicate our concern for the important people in our lives.

What is this new game we play called? There are no formal name, but this game is a family of ritual and family rituals will help you to create extraordinary families. Webster's Dictionary is a ritual in "no formal, customary or ceremonial observance, practice or procedure". Family rituals that define that your family is. Each family has a different way of doing things and your children will identify certain rituals that special, and they will start to differ from other families. Family rituals provides comfort and safety. Think of the children who follows the same ritual every night before bed. MOM or Dad help her get ready for bed.They have read 3 books, talk about their day and the evening with bedtime prayers. Child will expect this routine every night and this very ritual is what gives the confidence needed between parent and child.

Family rituals based family bonds. My two boys have a special handshake, they engage in to show their love for each other. It is too complicated for parents, so we do not even try to learn it. You can count on family rituals to generate lots of wonderful family memories. I clearly remember, as a child, go every Sunday to donut shop with my parents. We would be able to pick up our monks and then Park in the parking lot somewhere.I would sit in the living eat my Ring while my parents read newspapers in the front seat.Now, it may seem a strange ritual, but even today, as an adult, with a ring on Sundays gives back special memories, Family rituals can finally be used to teach values and practical skills, without even knowing it, is a family game night teaching your child to be patience, collaboration, and good SPORTSMANSHIP.

There are five major objectives for family rituals:

1. Family rituals used to celebrate something. Rituals at weekends is probably the most popular type of ritual. Most families have a certain ritual they go through helping them to celebrate Christmas, birthday, Thanksgiving, Cinco de Mayo and other special dates. But how do you celebrate the first day of spring, the last day of school, Golden birthdays or report card day? The possibilities are endless.

2. Family rituals can be used to smooth the transitions and change; when it was time for my younger son to give up his Pacifier, we introduced "Paci Fairy". We hear him Paci Fairy will come at night to get all their Pacifiers and leave him a special toy. My son never asked for their Pacifiers after that night. We all go through changes in life, and family rituals can make these times of change, exciting and normal. Consider introducing rituals for potty training, new born, 1st period for girls, 1st shave for boys, new drivers and graduations in intensity and hue.

3. Another objective for family rituals is to solve a problem. There is always the family's problems to be resolved. Family weekly meetings are a great way to tackle these problems. Consider having the burden of rituals to expand family cooperation.I know the families that will go through a ridiculous ritual when their child with a temper tantrum.

4. Family rituals should be used to help the family members connect with each other. Skin care and bedtime rituals are excellent ways to connect. Introducing family fun nights regularly generates proximity. My older son, and I have a special way, we say "I Love You".It is a hand signal we use that no one else understands. Connection in your family is essential to create an additional family.

5. Family rituals are great for teaching skills and values.A good way to introduce values in your home is to create a "Value of the Month" program.Decide what your 12 peak is for your family and assign a value to a month.For example, February is a good time to teach the value of love, and november is perfect for thankfulness and appreciation.Introduce special rituals every month to teach these values.Read books, play games, make a family community projects, and watch videos that are associated with this value is a great way to reinforce what you want your children to learn.

Keep in mind the family rituals you already operate.The rituals would be a good idea to add your family to create happier and closer relationships?What problems in your family need to be addressed, and how can you add a ritual to help them? what changes or special day to celebrate in your family? I recommend you to get started, with a fixed ritual for the connection on a daily basis, you can create a modest weekly family ritual and work in a monthly family ritual. Celebrate at least one family ritual for great holidays and birthdays. remember, with the aim of creating family rituals is to equip your child with the skills and values that you want to use them to learn, large family relationships and wonderful memories.

Lori Radun, CEC certified life coach for VAT. Lori is the author of The Energy Equation eCourse, Express Yourself!, and The Self Esteem series; receive her free newsletters and special report 155 Things Moms can do to increase the Great Children, visit her at http://www.true2youlifecoaching.com.

The African American contributions to the family Reunion planning

2010-10-13T16:49:00.000+02:00

It seems too late to many families that are rarely seen, together as one big fat family gives it serious thought. So who's behind the growing feeling to celebrate marriages, igniting family reunion fire? It is an African American sensation that WINS speed such that other cultures fall in line, or other factors causing large family reunion movement? Can examine the hype vs. facts.

A factor leading to family reunification movement orginates in African American families are a considerable number of media blitz centered around African American family reunion celebration.

A recent blockbuster movie called Madeas family Reunion centered on social issues affecting the African American family in need of the strength and support only possible from a unification of four generations of the family; If any film ignited controversy about relationships and how to deal with quality strained marital relationships and young disciplinary matters.Still Tyler Perry film, with the world's famous award-winning actress Cicely Tyson and Beatles member. /poet and writer Maya Angelou and ever-popular Blair Underwood, is now in the main stream of American entertainment and with that the issues related to family life and family reunion events.

The hype Factor: The Media seems to crank out more top 10 hits on the basis of family Reunions of black artists than others.Among the more popular songs for family reunification is announced on the following:

Ojays "Family Reunion".Al Green's "Love and happiness", Sly & The Family Stone "it is a family affair", "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge reached # 2 in 1979, Lionel Richie's latest award winning album "Coming Home" with 75 000 copies sold in its first week out, And then there is the point of the line dance remixes by black artists.

Apart from the factor hype celebrated around the family Reunions African Americans in the entertainment world over the past 30 years, there are other significant underlying reasons that what igniting fire to celebrate the family ties.

Fact: there is a long family tradition goes back to the early 18th century, and then including family quilt making, family song and dance themes that were migrated to the American culture together with the people who raised it; these include Russians, Jews, Africans, Indians and other of Scottish and Irish decent.

Fact: not only is the family reunification of a popular theme among black artists, family unity has been an ongoing topic of popular Western country music because it is the beginning of the music market. Family celebration themes can be found in the music of most American cultures.

There is a growing sensation sparking family reunion celebration with various themes, from traditional Homestead celebration to genealogy tours; one of the factors contributing to this is the ability to research not such roots genealogy tools in many places online.The Internet quite teaming with last name search search engines, Archive and Library help beginners/amateurs and Professional Genealogists dig deeper than ever to find buried historical treasures previously untapped.

Many foreign and civil governments software has become more cooperation when it comes to helping groups and individuals to find long missing family members. Council directive on the right to family reunification, which is designed to provide support to families separated by the Government and the social limits.Family reunion immigration program has made a significant contribution to Sparks family reunion celebration of late.

Adoption agencies have begun to work closely with Adoption Search agencies to reunite long missing siblings and parents with children; such trade unions often trigger a desire to go the whole scale and bring Grands, aunts, uncles and cousins. The strong emotions behind joining the missing family members often ignite a strong desire to celebrate family unity that can last for generations.

These factors indicate that genealogy, Government and foreign policy more strongly affect family reunion feeling day? Not necessarily.Training together with large social events must also be taken into account. Note is family Reunion at Temple University in Philadelphia, the only institution of its kind in the country which is intended to serve as a resource for families to plan Reunions and helps keep the reunification of the tradition alive.

At the social level of the annual Tom Joyner family Reunion sponsored by none other than Uncle Ben's is dedicated to awareness of the family; A recent city-wide family reunion feast led Philadelphia Mayor w. Wilson Goode proclaiming it "the black family Reunion Day" among the estimated 200 000 people took part.

It is the annual Ebony Black family Reunion Tour inspire black families to come together, "says Taylor is President of Nichole. other major events include the annual African American Family Reunion and Cultural Festival and the 19th Annual Midwest regional Black family Reunion Celebration in Cincinnati, OH.

There is also the growing offers special family reunion tours, travel and cruise packages Genealogy top travel and hospitality organizations which hold the light burning.

That said, it must be recognised that African American institutions, together with other social, Government, and foreign programs have made significant contributions to the popularity of traditional and not so traditional family reunion celebration today; These combined contribution has had an impact on social events and caused a stir seemingly for better so interests in family Reunions are charged and growing.

"The tradition of combining family to publicly celebrate the births, deaths, memorialize tell legends, social and family contributions are marked on the mind, heart and soul of many societies both predominantly black and otherwise all over the world." said Mark Askew, founder of the family Reunion Planner resource at http://family-reunion-planner.fimark.net.

For families of different ethnic persuasions are unites generations of family members of a universal family tradition that has been alive and well, then where oral and written family history began. What we learn from an African American family reunion tradition is still need to keep the fires burning, drawing strength, support and build strong family feelings that refine the skills of family unity for generations to come.

If you are going to have is a family reunion, many software and book titles that can guide you through the process of planning, organizing and throws a memorable family reunion.

Mark a. Askew, pin name Marcus Angelo, is founder of fimark.net, an event planning resource with the award-winning Fimark family Reunion Planner, a family reunion planning organiser for reunion planners who want to implement a time and money you save structured approach to planning and executing a successful family reunion website at; http://family-reunion-planner.fimark.net offers award-winning reunion planning software, tips, tools and free reunion stuff giveaways.

Franchise a Family Business

2010-10-13T07:40:00.000+02:00

A large family can supply needed employees

A franchise that has many employees who work in the different SHIFT is like a big family could run pretty good members of the family are so inclined. The family must, however, get along with each other, because they will spend more time together if they cooperate in activities.Sibling rivalry can be even more pronounced when the family members need to spend more time together; If the family is well together then be franchise idea are a great way for companies to solve the needs of employees.

Another concern with family members to work in your business is also the most harmonic families can be a bit tense when they spend their working time together; although one of them is responsible when the owner is not present, this must be explained and made it clear that there can only be a Manager driving a SHIFT.

A natural choice for Deputy Chief

If one of the members of the family are older and a natural leader of comrades, then this person could be the Deputy head or SHIFT supervisor; This has two advantages that allow baby learn activities by running a part of it and is responsible for what happens when they are responsible.Some families have purchased a franchise in order to provide a family member to have a job. In some cases, it works, and in some cases, it is a disaster in the making; it is about the family member is able to handle the job.

These companies bring in outside managers and supervisors and other family-owned companies deliberately decide early to allow children to learn from people outside the family. Smart help who are not related to create a favorable situation for the younger family members to learn from. removal of inside the family authority can pave the way for a better learning scenario.

Each situation must be assessed on its own merits and handled carefully. Other employees may be affected if an incompetent family member in charge. This is a serious dilemma when good employees. They will recognize the new head and may leave when they become sufficiently miserable. Losing good employees over a bad decision as this can damage the company in the long term.

Advantages to paying members of the family

When you give to a family member money from your pocket, can not you deduct these money as a business expense. If you pay them to work in the company, may this be just like any other employee expense. The advantage that the owner is allowed to use pre-tax dollars to pay for the family member. When it comes out of your pocket and is not a pay cheque, is this money after tax money on behalf of the owner. This tax advantage can be significant when larger sums money is involved. This is a great way to get money in the hands of a son or daughter without paying taxes on it yourself.

With the help of the family of the franchise as a training tool

A franchise that has family in Central spots are a great way to learn to run a business; This is true from both the positive aspects of negative aspects.Family franchise can teach in real time all the elements in order to run a business. First of all, learn how to manage all types of customers. It teaches how to manage employees and supervisors. Details such as tax decision can be explained that consequences. Staying on a budget and manage vendors can be brought home to the family member-owners are trying to educate the importance of good advertising by means of radio, TELEVISION and newspapers can be detected in everyday situations and not as a textbook example. All the things that an owner has to worry about when you run a successful business can be demonstrated that the family member in great detail. This real-time learning experience can have a positive influence in the life of a family member.If they stay in business, decision likely to be better, and if they go out on their own, they have a better idea what to do and what not to do.

Manage the day-to-day business decisions in real life is more likely to fall than ideas to read in a book, to be able to see the result provides home the correctness of the decision. If it works, why?, and if that doesn't work, why?, an analysis of the results can be illuminating to students.

To turn on activity

With a son or daughter of the establishment which solves a problem that may come in the future.Who will buy activities when the owner decides to sell?If the son or daughter likes the activities and momentum when the owner wants to retire, is a natural progression already in place.Son or daughter should be able to continue the success the owner had and not to learn a new company.They already know what to do and what to do.This built-in buyer helps in many ways that planning for the long term and changes for growth.

To make your business more successful makes sense when the son or daughter will be the beneficiary. to keep it in the family is a real incentive for most of the owners.

Conclusions

A franchise operated by family has many beneficial and some negative.The employee, the problem is not restricted if there is help from family, Management can be a family allowance or it can be kept outside of the family and is used only to teach family members and pursuit of the company; most franchises that have the family work in them GRAVITATE towards with family in positions of power and decision-making; it must be clear that a family member who is in charge is the Director and the other members are working for this head must do as I say, This person must be listened to like every other Director will be listened too. Owner must do this to prevent normal family in fire-fighting occurs. Siblings jealousy and disrespect should not happen in businesses where it is found, it must be stopped; Business comes first and all family members must be willing to acknowledge this fact.

A family can run a franchise agreement with great success on the head of the family establishes rules at the beginning and make sure that they are complied with; the benefits are many and negative can be handled when honestly faced.

And now I would like to offer you free access to information in a powerful integrated systems for marketing, sales & advertising so that you can thrive instead of survive in today's economic environment.

Henthorn is Chairman of spiral marketers, a marketing company which includes a number of partnership that extends from the latest software development, business-and improvement of personal coaching, online e-commerce companies, and more.

He was formerly President and principal brokers a resort/commercial real estate brokerage in Honolulu who specializes in representing sellers in transactions up to $ 50 MM.

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The Expanded Family Life Cycle: Individual, Family, and Social Perspectives (4th Edition)

2010-10-12T20:22:00.000+02:00

Now featured in a Classics Edition with a new Foreword by Donald Boch, The Expanded Family Life Cycle integrates theory and current research with clinical guidelines and cases by two of the most-respected authors, teachers, and clinicians in the field of family therapy, Betty Carter and Monica McGoldrick.

This classic Family Therapy text provides “and more comprehensive way to think about human development and the life cycle,” reflecting changes in society away from orientation toward the nuclear family, toward a more diverse and inclusive definition of “family.”

This expanded view of the family includes the impact of issues at multiple levels of the human system: the individual, family households, the extended family, the community, the cultural group, and the larger society. The text features a ground-breaking integration of individual male and female development in systemic context; our increasing racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity; the emergence of men's movements and issues; the growing visibility of lesbian and gay families; and the neglected area of social class.

Price: $133.00

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Families in Pakistan

2010-10-12T09:47:00.000+02:00

For some families, a flight from Pakistan to a location on the Western hemisphere may seem a flight to another world. It would indeed be the case if a tight-knit Pakistani family was to travel to THE UNITED STATES or Canada.

In the West tend to members of the family are categorized.Some family members fall under the term "immediate family", "others fall under the heading" extended family. "For families in Pakistan obliterates the degree of all family members need such categorization.

In Pakistan, determines the degree of all family members of the family approach to ever opportunity; Pakistani children, while older children, do not hesitate to follow with their parents in public. Many Pakistani children share their home with one or two pairs of grandparents.

When a child growing up in such a tight-knit family, he or she learns to appreciate all the members of any family. If such child immigrates to the United States, then his or her spouse a wonderful surprise. An adult should be familiar with tight-knit family will quickly offer condolences to the family who experiences the loss of a loved one.

Of families in Pakistan, one can find many different types of what has become known as a "common family". As mentioned, contains a common family invariably one or more grandparents.A common family can also contain an aunt, an uncle and even some cousins. In a common family would they all live under one roof.

Each Member of a Pakistani family have respect for the elderly family members. At the same time fails families in Pakistan will never look at children in the family as "gifts from God."Parents are responsible for educating children in the family, the basic conviction family selected freedom of religion.

Islam is the religion practiced by most families in Pakistan.Special occasions such as weddings, carried out according to Muslim tradition, Many marriages are planned marriage.The father of a daughter decides that she will marry.His words must go unquestioned.

While dad control scheduling for weddings, attend all family members in the preparations that wedding.They contribute to preparing the bride, obtaining the necessary deorationsand to prepare food for the guests. date of the wedding gather members of the family management of marriage contract, Pakistanis calls "mikah."

A second ceremony in Pakistani Home called "aqeeqa" ceremony; during this ceremony collecting family members for a feast. The witness circumcision of a new male babies. value of ceremony underlines the ephasis as families in Pakistan on their male children.

A female child is expected to grow into the role of a mother with her life decisions are driven by men; Women in Pakistan, of course, is to find more and more reasons to go through life in a way that refuses to accept the restrictions proposed by male family members.

Measures for women in today's Pakistan could very well be able to re-shape nature of family life in Pakistan.

For further reading, please visit Asian women Magazine

Ashithas report about alcoholism affects families

2010-10-11T23:42:00.000+02:00

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Alcoholism of often termed the family illness, referring to the tremendous impact an active alcoholic has on those around him. There is no way the family members can escape or ignore the alcoholic. The majority of the alcoholic impairments are behavioural. So in the day-to-day interactions of family life, the family members are confronted with alcoholic behaviour. The family is, confused, be wildered, angry and afraid. They act accordingly. Their responses characteristically are as impaired as the alcoholic's.

Certainly no family member ever caused alcoholism. Yet the family may, despites its best intentions, behave in a way that allows the alcoholic to continue drinking. They may protect the alcoholic, make excuses, buy into the alibis, cover up. They might call the employer, pretending the alcoholic is sick. The alcoholic's actions are bound to increase the family's anxiety level.

JACKSON'S STAGES

Jackson describes the stages that occur as a family comes to grips with an alcoholic in its midst. Her stages were initially intended to describe the family in which the husband and father is the alcoholic.

Denial:- Early in the development of alcoholism, occasional episodes of excessive drinking are explained away both marriage partners. Drinking because of drunkenness worry, nervousness, or a had day is not unbelievable the assumption is that the episode is an isolated instance and therefore no problem.

Attempts to eliminate the problem:- Here the spouse recognizes that the drinking is not normal and tries to make sure the alcoholic to quit, be more careful, or cut down. Simultaneously, the spouse tries to hide the problem from the outside and keep up a good front. Children in the family may well start having start having problems in response to the family stress.

Disorganization and chaos:- The family equilibrium has now broken down. The spouse can no longer pretend everything is okay and spends most of the time going crisis to crisis. Financial troubles are common. Under real stress, possibly questioning his or her own sanity, the spouse is likely to seek outside help.

Reorganization in spite of the problem:- The spouse's coping abilities have strengthened. He or she gradually assumes the larger share of responsibility for the family unit. This may mean getting a job or taking over the finances. The major focus of energy is no longer directed toward getting the alcoholic partner to shape up. Instead, the spouse takes charge and fosters family life, despite the alcoholism.

Efforts to escape:- Separation or divorce may be attempted: lithe family unit remains intact, the family continues living around the alcoholic.

Family reorganization:- In the case of separation, family reorganization occurs without the alcoholic member. If the alcoholic achieves sobriety, a reconciliation may take place. Either path will require both partners to realign roles and make new adjustments.

ADDICTION, A FAMILY DISEASE

Addition is a 'family disease' that affects not only the addicted individual, but also his family members.

As addiction gets worse day by day, the family is compelled to face several unmanageable problems. Unable to cope with these problems, the family constantly lives under severe tensions and pressure. This results in the family members becoming desperate, angry, frustrated, nervous, afraid and guilty. In many ways they start behaving like the addict, even though they do not take alcohol.

Responses of the family members

Stage 1

a) Denying the problems:- Initially the family members deny or minimize the problems related to his drinking.

b) Justifying his drinking:- The family members give reasons for his drinking.

c) Making changes:- In an attempt to stop his drinking. The family members often believe that they are responsible for the alcoholic's drinking. They try to solve the problems at home and establish a pleasant atmosphere hoping that he will then give up drinking. The wife goes all out to please the alcoholic-pays his debts to relieve him of his financial burdens.

Stage 2

d) Withdrawing from society:- In spite of their efforts the family members find that he continues to drink. They do not want anyone to know this fact. Thus they become less social and keep away from their relatives and friends. They do not invite anyone home. They feel lonely and at the same time, worthless.

e) Protecting the alcoholic from the consequences of his drinking:- They protect the alcoholic by, covering up the consequences arising out of his drinking thinking that they can make him give up alcohol.

f) Making attempts to control his drinking:- In the hope of getting him out of his problem. The wife may empty or break the bottles, request the alcoholic to drink on only at house and not outside. Tell him not to drink in the mornings. Extract promises from him that he will not drink when there are guests at home. Unable to achieve anything, the family members feel angry, let down, bitter. Initially the anger, and hatred are directed towards the alcoholic, gradually, the focus is lost and they get angry with everyone around.

Stage 3

g) Losing control over oneself:- The family members give up all attempts to control his drinking because they realize that these methods do not help. Thus they may decide to refrain from getting angry. But they are unable to control their emotions and shot at the alcoholic for drinking heavily, beat the children for minor mistakes committed by them, get anxious about the alcoholic when he does not come home till dark etc. Her own behaviour makes her wonder whether she is losing her sanity.

h) Fear of the future:- The family members are very worried and scared. For them, the future looks bleak. Tomorrow is a big question mark.

Stage 4

i) Trying to reorganize the household:- They have absolutely no control over the alcoholic and the family members are not able to relay on him for anything. Their she takes up the complete responsibility of running the family and the alcoholic is only looked upon as a defiant angry child.

Stage 5

j) Breaking away from the alcoholic:- As the disease of alcoholism worsens the wife believers that she can lead a life independent of the alcoholic. She is -also worried that if left alone, he may ruin himself. These lead too lots of conflicts in her mind, feeling disgusted, she may leave him for a short period of time but, she normally comes back.

Stage 6

k) Allowing the alcoholic to face a crisis:- The wife stops taking any responsibility for the consequences of the alcoholic behaviour.

Emotional responses of the family members

1) Guilt - Our culture impels that if a person drinks too much, his parents or wife is to be blamed. This attitude of society often leads to self-blame and it produces more guilt and shame. This prevents both: he alcoholic and the family members from developing self-awareness which can lead to a positive change.

2) Grief - It is the result of all sorts of losses-loss of prestige, personal dignity, care, understanding and love, friends, finances-loss in each and every area of their life. They do not share their feelings of grief with anyone, they suffer alone.

3) Anger - When no one cares to listen to them the family members experiences anger and deep sadness. Their utter helplessness makes them angry. They are angry with themselves.

4) Hurt - If the anger is suppressed and not let out, it results in frustration, resentment and hurt feelings and anxiety.

5) Shame - The in appropriate behaviour of the alcoholic in front of relatives and friends makes the family embarrassed. Shame produce slow self worth in each members of the family leading to social isolation.

6) Fear - Living in a problematic distressed family, produces fear-fear of the future, fear of family life, fear of financial matters, fear or helps, fear of arguments, fear their physical well-being. There feelings of fear are a result of the internalized emotional stress that each and every family members experiences.

7) Loneliness - The stressful situation in the alcoholic's family results in the breakdown of normal family communications. Love, Care and Concern are lost in the stress, anxiety and crisis experienced. The isolation created by lack of communication always leads to bitter loneliness.

The children of alcoholics learn three unwritten laws or self imposed commands. They are 'don't talk, don't trust, don't feel'. They may play one or more roles within family. ie, responsible child, adjusting child, placating child, rebellious child.

Though they are harmful to our family relations, being related, we have the moral right to love, care, and help them to come out of it. For that psychological efforts have to be promoted. As the medical science has developed more in this century, the addition could be cured by root.

The effects on the children of alcoholics

Lack of role model, lying, loss of self esteem, fear, depression and suicidal idea.

The children Learn Three Unwritten Laws or self imposed commands

Don't Talk, Don't Trust, don't Feel and play one or more roles within the family:

Responsible child

Adjusting child

Placating child

Rebellious child

Alcoholic family reactivity patterns

The functional family system

(The family with an Alcoholic member)

The neurotic enmeshed family system

(The Alcoholic Family)

The disintegrated family system

(Family separation & isolation)

The absent family system

(The long term isolated alcoholic)

A GUIDE FOR THE FAMILY OF THE ALCOHOLIC

The family's best defense against the emotional impact of alcoholism is gaining know, ledge and achieving the emotional maturity and courage needed to put in into effect.

Individuals who may be capable of assisting alcoholics outside the family may become confused, destructive persons if a member of their own family becomes an active alcoholic. This is especially true if the drinking alcoholic is the husband, or wife.

The "next of kin" or 'person most responsible for the alcoholic may need more assistance and counselling than the alcoholic if an effective recovery program is to be launched. Alcoholism is an illness, but one which has tremendous emotional impact upon the immediate family. Those most affected by the alcoholic are the spouse, parent, sister, brother and child. The more distorted the emotions of these persons become the less adequate their help will be. The interaction may and often does become destructive rather than helpful.

For example wives may find themselves blamed for everything that is wrong is an alcoholic marriage. This may reach the point where they may fear this is true. Yet alcoholism is an illness. The wife is no more responsible for alcoholism than she would be for the existence of diabetes or tuberculosis in her husband. Now wife ever made her husband an alcoholic, there fore no wife can be held responsible for his recovery. However, by lack of knowledge she may allow the illness to go unnoticed. By lack of adequate understanding and courage she may acquiesce in the development of the disease. For the existence of alcoholism the wife is not responsible, but she can abet the husband avoiding treatment, or takes steps which may lead to earlier recovery though this cannot be absolutely assured.

This same principle holds true for all members of the family, especially the one person upon whom the alcoholic ultimately depends. This primary person in the alcoholic's life cannot "treat" the illness. No doctor should treat his own serious illness, and few will ever act as physician for a member of their immediate family, especially spouse, parent or child. As alcoholism progresses relatives become involved emotionally.

THE ALCOHOLIC'S WEAPONS

Anger

The first weapon is ability to arose anger or provoke loss of temper. If the family member or friend becomes angry and hostile this person has been completely destroyed in so far as ability to help the alcoholic is concerned. Consciously or unconsciously the alcoholic is projecting an image of self-hatred against the other person. If it is met by angry, hostile attacks it is thereby verified and the alcoholic's own mind justifies the former drinking and also now has an additional excuse to drink in the future.

Anxiety

The second weapon of the alcoholic is the ability to arouse anxiety on the part of the family. Thereby they are compelled to do for the alcoholic that which can be done only by the alcoholic if the illness is to be arrested and recovery initiated.

The alcoholic cannot undo what others have already undone. This in reality increases the alcoholic's sense of failure and guilt and increases the family's sense of hostility and condemnation if the alcoholic. Thereby the alcoholic is doubly injured. The criticism, scolding and moralizing add to the alcoholic's guilt and resentment against self and family.

Alcoholics are propelled along the progress of the disease when the family is unable to cope with anxiety aroused by the alcoholic. This is in effect part of the illness. Neither the alcoholic nor his family is able to face realty.

Love and compassion

One of the more serious failures in approaching the alcoholic is the inability to understand the meaning of love. The wife has no right to state, "if you loved me you would not drink".

Alcohol is an anesthetic. When the alcoholic drinks he anesthetizes his pain. This is the pleasure of alcohol escape. It is a problem-solving device to relieve unpleasantness, anxiety, tension and resentment. When the alcoholic drinks pain is avoided for the time being but pain, tension, anxiety and resentment are increased severely in the family. When the alcoholic drinks pain is avoided for the time being but pain, tension, anxiety and resentment are increased severely in the family. When the alcohokic sobers up there is little desire to suffer the consequences of drinking. Remorse and guilt now compel the - alcoholic to prostrate him self before the family, beggar mercy and promise that it will never happen again. Or the reverse side of the coin may appear, complete unwillingness to discuss what happened. Each attempts to gain the same goal, the avoidance of the consequences of drinking. If the alcoholic succeeds by either means his pain is again avoider or relieved but the family again pays the price of the consequences of drinking.

Love is Destroyed

Love cannot continue to exist in this type of action and interaction. The alcoholic uses alcohol to escape pain by drinking and learns, how to use the family to escape the pain of the consequences. The family suffers when the alcoholic drinks and then suffers the painful consequences also. If the family bears the brunt of the drinking and absorbs its consequences then compassion cannot exist Compassion is bearing with or suffering with a person, not suffering because of the unwillingness of the other person to suffer. If this condition is allowed to continue by the - family, love is gradually destroyed and replaced by fear, resentment and hatred. The only way love can be retained is by family members learning not to suffer when drinking is in progress and refusing to undo the consequences of drinking. Anything less than this is not compassion and only relationship without, justice and compassion is not love.

The traffic result is that alcoholism is thereby encouraged and fear and resentment take over human emotions. This is why family members, especially the next of kin of the alcoholic, need held if the disease is to be arrested and recovery initiated. Other wise the entire family becomes ill emotionally. This condition is but another symptom of the progress of the disease.

THE 'ROLE' OF PARENTS AND TEACHERS

The role of parents and teachers in preventing youth from getting into the drug - scene can best the filled by sympathetic understanding of what is going on in their minds in hearts. Even if the parents and teachers are to old to be interested in the new attractions, they must make themselves young enough in thought to share the feelings which these youth have received from the atmosphere around them, - blowing in from all over the world.

A word of warning: sometimes these pressures and desires also come to the parents and teachers tool'. More and more adults have problems which they don't want to admit, but which cause them to drink, or gamble, or play around in dangerous way, too. You need only count the increasing number of alcoholics and alcohol selling shops, or reflect on the new and important place and "source force" which helps more and more people to buy new land, build new homes, wear clothes they cannot afford, and generally try to impress their friends and relatives with items that are bigger and better.

Especially parents must be aware of how their grown - up children are developing in life. If their studies are weak, if they keep irregular hours and do not easily answer questions about their activity or friends; if they growth in, do not eat, oversleep and are secretive, it is a time for loving, sympathetic seeking to understand rather then harshly criticize. Talk with them about their plans for the future, their interests and how to go about achieving them. Let them share with you the impressions they get from their friends, and how they feel because of these things. Confide in them - the problems which you adults feel too with the strains of modern life in our land- locked, opportunity - locked country.

Common Features of the Family with an Addict Members

The addict is the symptom carrier of the family dysfunction.

The addict helps to maintain family homeostasis.

The addict reinforces the parental need to control and continue parenting, yet he finds such parenting inadequate for his needs.

The addict provides a displaced battlefield so that implicit and explicit parental strife can continue to be denied.

Parental drug, and alcohol above is common and is directly transmitted to the addict or results in - inadequate parenting.

The addict forms cross - generational alliances which separate parents from each other.

Generational boundaries are diffused - there is frequent competition between parents.

Frequently the crisis created by addict is the only was the family gets together and attempts some problem solving, or is the only opportunity for a "deed" family to experience emotions.

Ashitha P. Joy is MSW student in Assumption College, Changanachery, kerala, India.

Dr. Hari S.Chandran, M.Phil (Psy), Ph.D, PGDPC, C. Psych.(England) is working as Cons. Psychologist, Department of Deaddiction & Mental Health, St. Gregorios Mission Hospital, Parumala. Kerala,India. drhari7@hotmail.com

Benefits and challenges of a family owned Business

2010-10-11T11:51:00.001+02:00

Family Business-account for over 80% of all U.S. enterprises contribute 50% of our gross domestic product and give half of our workforce. But only about 10% of family businesses, makes it the third-generation due to the unique challenges faced by family businesses encounter.

Start a venture with your family ...

There are certain advantages to starting a family businesses:

-Initial costs and losses be shared easily.
-Later success favours the family as a whole.
-Allows the family to be together.
Family can trust each other more than outsiders.

But there are many challenges that come in a start-up company that need to be addressed:

Tips for make jointly run and start a business:

--Follow the business rules, romance is for non-kontorstid.
--Clearly define the role of each spouse.
--Highlight each others ' talents.
--Keep business and personal life separate-understand the inherent conflicts of interest.
--Set the strong fundamentals and understand you do not always agree.
--Define your expectations firmly and clearly.
--Set-aside family time.

-Involve young family members in activities for fun, short tasks and jobs.
-Have a system for the recognition and rewards hard work and accomplishments in the family.
-Understand clearly what business relations with the family is.
-Have a solid Business plan that clearly defines the corporate structure, responsibilities, roles, strategic direction and so on.
-Clearly identify who is the lead contractor.
-Identify strengths and weaknesses of each family member.
-Understand each person's work experience and family background.
-Determine how much money each family will help.
-Keep up front how equity are to be broken.
-Honest and clear communication between family.
-Professional, business climate and struktur.
-How and where the non-family will be incorporated into the company.

If you connect to an early step family venture ...

Benefits for family members to join a new family venture are many:

Family can help, and are cheap during development.
Family to be able to help businesses that it benefits the family as a whole.
-Flexible hours, days and pay is attractive for the family to begin using minimum resources.
-Activity brings together family back.
-Family members join the family business since they are frustrated with their current work and the environment.

Issues to consider at an early stage-family venture:

-To a large extent, personal affairs; experience the role reversals.
-Resentment can build on a family member is not sufficiently challenged and rewarded.
-Questions about power, rivalry and jealousy is common among family members.
-Take into account to a family member, personal interest, expertise, experience and education when assigning responsibilities.
-Define exactly, each family member's area of responsibility.
-Define which each family member is responsible, and for.
-Determining the remuneration structures-salary, bonus and equity stakes.
-How is a disagreement?
-What will happen if not contribute with a family?
-If a family member would, what is buyout plan and continued plan?
-Are you going to allow family members to be non-participation, passive investors in business?

Best advice: define the business stakeholders the different rules, expectations and structure unique to family business critical to its success; these unique requirements need to be well developed and described in the plan for the company Business and constantly discussed in regular family meetings; this way, each Member of the family feels they are decisive and contribute to the overall strategic direction and the future of the family business.

Connect a Family Company which one year Business ...

This may be the biggest challenge for a family member: where do I fit in a Family Business that has been in operation for some time and/or for the successive generations? Certain characteristics and challenges for a later stage/mature family businesses:

-Maintain a policy that all start at the bottom and works his way up through the ranks, regardless of their experience level, can initially family members join the existing company; however, they soon realize it is very important not to show favoritism among family members and non-family employees; This nips in Linda issues of nepotism, right, jealousy and resentment.

-Family members can sometimes be transitory, permanent or temporary staff to seasonal demand, a particularly tough business environment or during periods of high growth; this phenomenon can increase the spirit of the corps, but it can also be caused by contention. Again, with the family meetings to decide such issues, and ensures the most on board with the occasional family assistance, is extremely important.

-Some family members may use the activity as a step on a career path or start their own businesses. Planning for this potential loss and contingencies should be part of any family business management plan; also the establishment of non-compete provisions business stakeholders and to protect the personal nature of the operation of a family member are moved on, also a part of the company's management structure.

-The question of family successor is enormous in a mature family companies. How is a family firm chooses the next succeeding? there is room for the next generation? what are the options for members of the family Is the company growing? enough to support the new family blood? Current management structure and format allows the flexibility and latitude next generation search? all this talk about the importance of using the well developed, the family-led Business Planning to maintain progressive-success for future generations; this phenomenon becomes more urgent and important in mature family operations; we are dealing with the problem in the subsequent sections prospects in detail, together with conflicts, limitations and problems a family business.

The benefits of a mature stage family company enjoys is many, but the following are common, and often are keys to success:

-Each Member of the family contributes to the overall benefit of the whole family.
-Family members can enjoy making and reach goals together,
-A member of a very special group that is very close to be knit.
-All pitches the hard work to get things done, "must do".
-Family law work translates to identifiable and measurable progress.
-A sense of family that is "our activities"; it is "what we do"; it is a question of ownership and inheritance.
-Special attitude shared by family members are driving them to work hard to succeed in business.
-That in new life, new knowledge and added experience to maturing business.
-Mature family businesses often have and keep market benefits and competitive advantage that new generations are often ensure company not stagnate.

Frank Goley is business consultant, business turnaround consultant and business coach, and he is working for ABC Business Consulting; he is an expert in the development, write and implement company plans, financing, business plans, marketing plans, strategic plans, and turnaround business plans; He also offers complete solution business consulting, business turnaround consulting and web marketing and development consulting, Frank is the author of a business plan book, The Comprehensive Business Plan workbook-A Step by Step Guide to effective Business Planning, and he writes Business Success Strategies blog.

Awkward Family Photos

2010-09-27T22:45:00.000+02:00

Based on the hit website, AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com (“painful, regrettable, horrifyingly awesome snaps of family bonding, you will laugh so hard that people in adjoining offices will ask what’s wrong with you”—Esquire), this full color book features never-before-seen photos and hilarious personal stories covering everything from uncomfortable moments with relatives, teen angst, sibling rivalry, and family vacations from hell. Cringe at the forced poses, bad hair, and matching outfits--all prompting us to look at our own families and celebrate the fact that we're not alone. Nothing says awkward better than an uncomfortable family photograph!

Price: $15.00

Click here to buy from Amazon

Starting a Family

2010-09-27T12:41:00.000+02:00

Marriage and starting a family can be very challenging. My short book about my experiences coming from a large family as well as being a married father of two may help you get through some of these challenges.

Check it out!

Family Tree

2010-09-26T22:48:00.000+02:00

An unforgettable novel about family, race, and the choices people make in times of crisis.

Dana Clarke has just given birth to her first child. The little girl is lovely but no one can help noticing how little she resembles her parents. Dana's husband, among others, suspects that she may have had an affair. In order to put the rumors and speculation to rest, Dana has to delve deep into her past and her husband's heritage to unearth some uncomfortable secrets. Can her marriage survive what she finds out?

Price: $7.99

Click here to buy from Amazon

How to Complete a Family Tree: Companion to 6-Generation Family Tree

2010-09-26T11:18:00.001+02:00

Family Tree guide with professional template.
Check it out!

Family Therapy-cognitive, Narrative and Psychoeducational interventions

2010-09-25T23:51:00.000+02:00

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The Peterson family on May 5th 2007 took the initiative to gain therapeutic services for their troubled son David. Throughout the therapeutic process, all family members became actively involved. Three primary family therapeutic approaches for treatment were eventually chosen by the therapist with the application of three interventions within each approach. The approaches included; Cognitive Behavioral approach, Narrative Based Therapeutic approach, and a Psychoeducational Therapeutic approach. These purposely chosen constructs were applied to the Peterson family system and with their help the Peterson family was able to assist their son David with his behavior issues.

Agency Context

The current agency, in which the Peterson family sought assistance, was the Summit Agency. Summit is an inner city agency located within the college district of Philadelphia. It is a high end agency that specializes in helping families and individuals with problematic behaviors and circumstances. Much of the clientele within the Summit Agency could be considered mid to upper class. The agency is primarily funded by direct payment from clients who are seeking highly qualified PhD. and Masters level clinicians to assist with their family issues and by private donations given by local university professors and staff.

Presenting Problem

The presenting problem according to the Peterson family has been clarified by Mr. and Mrs. Peterson as the behavior of their 16 yr. old son David. For the last two months David has been acting out in school and been disrespectful at home. Rule breaking, disrespecting teachers, and detentions have remained consistent parts of David's behaviors. This type of behavior for the Peterson family is unacceptable and has resulted in the Peterson family seeking assistance for their son's behavior. Mr. Peterson worries that if David's behavior continues, many may think that David is a real trouble maker; thus effecting his academic life and possibilities of going to college in two years. Mrs. Peterson is concerned about her son and wants his negative behaviors to cease. She feels that when he acts out in school this causes tensions within the household; especially between herself and her husband. Both Mr. & Mrs. Peterson seem to agree that they argue more and have greater difficulties on the weeks and days in which David gets in the most trouble. In sessions, David makes statements like, "I don't care about school, because you guy's don't really care about me." David, in session seems angry. He seems to be very sensitive and seems to desire more attention and time with his parents. He states that he believes no one listens to him and that the only reason he is at the Summit Point agency is because his mom & dad just want to change him. Both, Mr. and Mrs. Peterson want David to just behave at school and at home in order for him to obtain a good education and be regarded as a good young man. David states that if his parents would not work so much, he may have some time with them, and not feel so lonely. David also states that when his parents are angry, they seem to take things out on him; thus making him more frustrated and angry.

Demographics

Mr. Peterson is a 50 year old white male. Mr. Peterson is an educated man with a PhD in literature from the University of North Carolina, for which he takes great pride. Mr. Peterson could be described as having an opinionated egocentric personality, quick witted, and some how seems to respond with some type of literary quote within every response to family and friends. Mr. Peterson does not emphasize a religious preference or identity and could be considered one who maintains an upper middle class life style. Although Mr. Peterson has published a few literary works, none have been significantly successful, and this seems to be a source of pain and loss of self esteem for Mr. Peterson.

Mrs. Peterson is a 46 year old white female. Mrs. Peterson also graduated from the University of North Carolina with a PhD in literature. Mrs. Peterson seems to be a smart, pleasant person that makes references to having hobbies; such as playing tennis, biking and shopping. Mrs. Peterson does not declare a religious preference, but does say she believes in God. Mrs. Peterson has published two novels and takes great pride in their success.

David is a sixteen year old white male. He has no history of mental illness or notable behavior problems. David attends high school within the tenth grade at Highland High School. David does not consider himself to be a religious person, but does love the latest Eminem Rap CD, loves to skate board, draw, and enjoys watching horror movies. David does seem to be a sensitive young man, and at times makes efforts to express his feelings and clearly express any noticeable changes to pictures and other items within my therapeutic office; thus indicating a heightened sense of observational ability.

Treatment Plan

The current treatment plan (see figure 1.1) consist of one primary goal and intermediary objectives through a Cognitive Approach to assist in modifying David's current behavior issues. Thus far, over the past month and a half I have met with the Peterson family every week and attempted to assist David and his family with these objectives and goal with no progress. I believe that with the current information I can develop suggestions, and inform my practice by linking new strategies and intervention objectives from family therapeutic approaches to assist in solving David's difficulties.

GOAL: To decrease David's problematic behaviors

- Send home weekly progress report

- When David receives poor behavior reports he is grounded from skate boarding and other activities he enjoys

Figure 1.1

The current suggestion and decision to link family therapy approaches to this circumstance is to assist with significant issues. In retrospect, the interventions although practical, placed much of the responsibility and process upon David rather than a family oriented intervention. It was found that many times David would not even bring home his weekly progress reports for review. It was also founded that the use of negative reinforcement strategies was not effective due to David's already tattered self image. After further interactions with parents it was discovered that they rarely complimented David on what he does right, and they admitted to criticizing him at times. With this information I believe that it would be wise to now integrate a positive reinforcement plan that would assist with promoting good behavior and increasing self esteem. I feel that suggesting the use of strategies to assist with David's parents in regards to their relationship and the scape goating behaviors David describes may be beneficial. I believe that David's parents would also benefit by gaining parenting skills and education. The prior treatment plan did not allow David to experience for himself the roles of others or allow him to identify thought and feeling patterns. I believe that with the understanding of David's personality and his obvious intelligence and sensitivity, utilizing strategies that assist with thought identification may be beneficial. The newly suggested treatment plan is as follows;

Goal One: To decrease David's problematic behaviors

- To increase David's awareness of how his behavior affects others

- To assist David in identifying thoughts, feelings, behaviors, beliefs

- To assist David's parents with better parenting and relationship skills

Figure 1.2

Strategies for Change - Cognitive Approach

During session discussion I would ask David, how he thought his behavior at school made others feel and what impact his behavior had on others. After his response I feel that the "Critical Moment" Cognitive Behavioral approach intervention that I learned at the University of Michigan School of Social Work may be effective (Personal Communication, R. Tolman, October, 2006). I would suggest that a role play should be utilized with David and his parents. I would ask David to identify any time or circumstance in which he interacted with a teacher negatively and when the interaction concluded with a negative consequence for David. The circumstance I would request of David must have ended with him thinking that he should have responded differently. I would ask him to express to all of us his detailed story from beginning to end. After he expressed his story I would ask David and his parents if there were more positive responses David could have utilized that were not disrespectful. David and his parents would have good ideas regarding what David's response could have been and they would share these ideas. After sharing their ideas, I would request that David play the role of the teacher, and I then ask his father to play the role of his son David. I would ask David's father to make sure that in his response, as he acted like David that he would include the newly agreed upon positive response. As both would act out the role play, David would state the words of his teacher within the past interaction and his father would do his best to repeat what David had stated was spoken during the interaction, except for the addition of the positive statement that David should have said. After the role play, I would request a role reversal. This time David would play himself, stating what his father had stated with the positive response attached to his interaction. His father would play the teacher, and at the conclusion David would hopefully begin to understand both roles of those involved. It is hypothesized that this role reversal may change David's perceptions.

The second intervention that I believe would be helpful in allowing David to identify his thoughts and feelings and how they effect his behavior would be to utilize during the session a dry erase board in order to draw the "circle of identification" (Becvar & Becvar, 2000). This circle could indicate the process of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I feel that the utilization of this type of intervention may work well, considering the known information regarding David's love for drawing and visual acuity. I would suggest to David to express a time when he was disrespectful or acting out against his parents or teachers. That specific episode would be the focus in which we would identify his thoughts, feelings and behaviors to that circumstance. As a therapist I believe that as we identify his thoughts and feelings during this episode and address whether or not they were positive or negative, or whether they were realistic or distorted; at the center of David's response could lie schemas about himself and others that may not be healthy or functional for his life. It will be the goal of this intervention to address those negative schemas that may be assisting in negative responses, and purposely inserting positive collaborative thoughts created within our sessions.

Due to suspected negative reciprocity and the development of negative schemas within the family system, regarding David's consistent behaviors, it would seem to be beneficial to utilize a third cognitive approach. I feel that it may be beneficial for the Peterson family to utilize a thought, feeling, and behavior journal for all members in the family (Becvar & Becvar, 2000; Lawson & Prevatt, 1999). It would be expressed to the family that on each page of the journal there should be two headings; "What did David do today", and "How did I feel about what David did today." I believe that this could allow the family over a number of sessions to come to a realization of how they are perceiving their son, and how David perceives himself in a qualitative manner. Identifying these schemas, thoughts, and feelings may be beneficial for assisting in cognitively reconstructing the family systems perception and expectations of David's behavior.

Narrative Approach

It could be suggested that in an effort to speak about the behaviors within sessions one should seek to reduce parental "problem saturation" regarding discussions of David's behavior (Lawson & Prevatt, 1999). It could be hypothesized that due to the constant criticism and negative perceptions that David's parents have expressed regarding his behaviors, utilizing an externalization technique would be beneficial (Lawson & Prevatt, 1999). As the therapist I should ask two sets of questions; questions relating to how family members feel about David's behavior and after a series of questions regarding the families reactions to David's behavior I would ask the parents if there was ever a time in which David did not act disrespectful or behave in a negative manner (Prevatt & Lawson, 1999). All family members could then begin to identify the negative behaviors as external events in which they could seek to collaborate and work against (Prevatt & Lawson, 1999). This would seem to be an effective intervention, especially for David who has been indicated as having low self esteem and has been identified as possibly being the scape goat within the family system.

After a thorough expression of different perspectives over a number of sessions, as the therapist I would suggest to the parents to write a letter to their son. Within the letter I would ask them to express their commitment to helping David. I would express to the parents to write positive statements of affection for David and let him know that they validate his feelings. This would lend to decreased fault finding and negative reciprocity (Lawson & Prevatt, 1999). This process I believe would assist David in reducing his feelings of isolation and enhance his commitment to working against the externalized problems.

Furthermore, a third intervention that may be effective would be for myself as the therapist to write a final letter of prediction (Lawson & Prevatt, 1999). This letter would be written in a way that expressed a strengths base perspective and a positive message of hope in regards to family commitment and David's behaviors.

Psychoeducational Approach

As the therapist I would pursue concepts and processes consistent with educating the Peterson family. I would identify concepts that may be effective considering the educational level of the parents and David, as well as the families strengths and ability to utilize problem solving and communication concepts (Becvar & Becvar, 2000). Considering the suspected scape goating behaviors of Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, I feel that teaching Mr. and Mrs. Peterson better ways of communicating their own problems rather than projecting them upon David would be beneficial. I believe speaking with Mr. and Mrs. Peterson about active listening skills, practicing the communication ball technique (speaker holds the ball / listener waits their turn) would allow the Petersons to work on their listening skills. I feel that this would work well for the Petersons considering their educational level and willingness to learn.

Another intervention I would implement to enhance communication with the educational system would be to teach parents how to implement a home/school communication system (Foley, 2007). This system includes maintaining a chart that is marked by teachers and parents to indicate behaviors, moods, and activities that were completed during the day (Foley, 2007). The construction of this system creates effective communications between school staff and parents (Foley, 2007). As the therapist I would ask the Petersons to construct this system as instructed and then within one session evaluate the process and express the ideas to David. Emphasizing also to David that good reports will bring good rewards. Educating Mr. and Mrs. Peterson regarding follow through and consistency regarding the communication system would be very important.

Due to the educational levels of the Peterson family, as a therapist I would suggest interventions such as parental skills groups within the community or the use of parenting resources and educational programs within sessions. It is hypothesized that the Petersons would welcome any educational information regarding more effective parenting. Recommending web sites, books (Love and Logic) and therapeutic games to enhance a child's communication and self esteem would be possible interventions for the Peterson family. These psychoeducational interventions would assist with the third objective of the treatment plan, regarding the need to obtain greater parenting and relationship skills.

Conclusion

The difficulty I identified within the first treatment plan was that only one approach was utilized and it was not an eclectic process with at least three approaches and multiple interventions. I believe that the eclecticism should be a priority due to the nature of the problem and multiple systems involved. I felt as if in order to reduce David's negative behaviors the interventions should be creative, connected to problem solving objectives and address the entire family system.

I believe that utilizing a cognitively based approach would be an important part in identifying the negative beliefs and schemas David may have about himself as the roots of his low self esteem. By increasing David's abilities in negative thought identification, David will be able to purposely insert positive thoughts through cognitive restructuring (Becvar & Becvar, 2000). Gaining parental involvement with journaling may also be a wonderful intervention, considering that Mr. and Mrs. Peterson are writers and may give interesting and creative reflections.

What may be a concern is that David's parents could identify externalizing a problem through a Narrative approach, as a way of David not taking full responsibility for his behavior. Considering their past negative reciprocity of his behaviors and the parents' attitudes and expectations, it would be important to emphasize the significance of such a perspective.

David stated that his parents do not listen to him. Also admitted by his parents, they tend to argue more when David gets in trouble. The chosen Psycho educational approach would seem to be an effective approach. This approach I feel would assist the Petersons in gaining valuable communication skills and greater parenting strategies for David. I feel that communication building strategies would assist with what David stated as "no one listens to me." Considering the Petersons income level, community influence and positive attitude towards education, suggesting that they gain involvement in a parenting and or communications group would be an excellent intervention strategy.

I feel as the Petersons therapist that the utilization of these three approaches and choosing them according to their specific circumstance and family dynamics that they will prove to be more effective. I feel that these approaches contain all the elements that are needed to enhance the skills and reduce the problems that were chosen by the Peterson family.

Note to Reader: All participants in this article and the agency are fictional: any relation or connection to real circumstances is clearly coincidental.

L. J. Riley Jr. BSW, LLMSW

______________________________________

References

Becvar, D. S., & Bacvar, R. J. (2000). Family Therapy; A Systemic Integration. (4th edition). Needham Heights; Ma: Allyn & Bacon Publishing.

Foley, S. (2007) Psychological Testing for Social Workers; The Notes.

Lawson, D. M., & Prevatt, F. F. (1999) Casebook in Family Therapy. Belmont; CA:

Wadsworth Publishing.

Laverne J. Riley Jr. is a Persian Gulf War combat veteran. He graduated with high honors from Mott Community College as a member of Phi Theta Kappa. He is a graduate of the University of Michigan Flint BSW Program in which he won the "Maize and Blue Scholar Award" with high honors. Recently, he graduated with an 8.0 (4.0) GPA from the University of Michigan Ann Arbor MSW School of Social Work, in which he became the recipient of the Howard and Judith Simms Fellowship. L.J.Riley Jr. lives with his family in Burton, Michigan and continues to write children's work, metaphorical poetry and seeks to make vast differences for people and the world.

The Ultimate Family Organizer!

2010-09-25T10:57:00.000+02:00

The complete toolkit for families to organize every part of their home and family life. Full of practical and easy to use planners, guides, lists etc. Affordable price for customers so high sales - high 70% Affiliate payout

Check it out!

Greening Your Family

2010-09-24T22:17:00.000+02:00

Reference guide to safe food, personal care & cleaning products. Full of well-researched and practical advice, including product/brand recommendations for minimizing your families exposure to harmful chemicals found in many common household products.

Check it out!

Family time: How you can give your family or for time this Christmas

2010-09-24T08:45:00.001+02:00

I said if there was a very simple way you can spend more time with your family this Christmas? I told about it would cost you a cent? What if I told you it was an easy way to get up to four extra hours each day with your loved ones? Would your family to benefit from this extra time?

All you have to do is get rid of your TV.

"WOAH!Wait a minute! I CAN'T POSSIBLY give UP MY TV! " call. NOT MY SOAP!NOT FOOTBALL! NOT DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES! NOT ... "

Well, I am not saying that you would not have to sacrifice a little; But at the end of this article, you'll see that the benefits of giving up your TV far outweigh the costs, It may seem a difficult task, but it's not really. It only takes a little discipline and creativity to fill the time.

Join the many other families who have given up on TV

Many families have given up on TV. My family did Madonna's family made it; I felt so strongly about my decision, I created a site about it; it is also why I reach out to you now. So you and your family can experience the benefits. Believe me, your family can function without a TV and be happier and healthier home.

Would you rather Miss time with your family or time watching TV?

I realize that this still can be a daunting prospect for many. The average person look after four hours a day and the average family has TV over seven hours a day. It can be a significant change. But think what you give with your family when you spend this much time in TELEVISION. Think about what your family's life can be like without TV to get a better picture of what you and your family are missing.

Breakfast TV

When all are in a hurry to get to school or work, get the morning very hectic. I know. TV only to distraction. If there is no TELEVISION blaring, children are more likely to cooperate in preparing. There may also be time for an old-fashioned family breakfast. At least your family will have more time for nice good-byes when everyone starts his day.

After school without TV

Rather than send school cartoons, which are often filled with violence, kids outside to play; children must play. They are so much happier when they have a chance to run and burn energy. And parents need to play too.Join your child in a game of football and basketball.Go for a walk around the neighborhood. Go family bike ride.The possibilities are endless. enjoy fresh air and sunshine; you can also drag a few friends from their TV, gameboys, and computers and play together.All that exercise, you and your family should build up quite an appetite, don't you think?

Dinner without TV

After so much fun and exercise will your family be ready for a healthy dinner.Remember that they have not been watching television advertising of crunchy delicious POPs and other junk food.So, don't ruin this time by turning on THE TELEVISION that over half of all families.Eat together and talk about your day.Connect with each other and discuss any problems or issues that may have been during the day, When you know what problems your child you can nip them in the bud. Then, you can plan everything fun activities your family will make the next weekend.

Chores without TV

Let's say your family finishing dinner and cleaning up together, OK, I realize chores not is the most popular and fun family activities; And do you not mention chores when you sell this "Family time" plan for the rest of your family.But just imagine how much easier it is to get all the points when THE TV is turned off.

Prime Time without TV

After a good dinner and chores are a "prime time" for families to connect with some fun activities.Depending on your family, this time either back out or exciting.You can play board games, puzzles, read, or cuddle a more back in the evening, Or you can dance, pillow fights, or even ticklefests for gaming and excitement.You can also go for an evening walk and look at all the weird glow coming from other houses where families staring at their TV as well as zombies.

Late in the evening without TV

When the children are in bed, may you and your spouse, a perfect opportunity to connect, I do not think that I'm going to paint a picture of what that time might look like, you can use your own imagination. But after go this far without watching TV, I hope you do not activate it here!

Then of course will be after this great, fun day you be ready and have time for a full night's sleep.

Your family without TV

Now do you think your family may be happier with the routine above? that they can grow healthier over time? every family is different; The routine in your family settle on will probably be a little different. my family routine quite not with the above, in particular in the case of chores, but we have much more time to connect, and the children are playing outside often.

Use your imagination to develop a routine that is customized for your family, Then you will be ready to give your family the gift of quality family time this Christmas; Next Chrismas you will wonder how families find the time to watch TV.

Katherine Westphal is the founder of a new website for daring Recycle your TV!, which makes it fun and easy for people to gain control of their TV set; are you addicted to TV? Take our TV Addiction Quiz and find out!

All is Well

2008-06-19T19:54:00.001+02:00

Those were the words I read most days in a signature on the unassisted childbirth forum. They started to sink in then I realised they came from Abraham (a group of spiritual beings who are channeled by Esther Hicks). I bought a book called Ask and it is Given several years ago I didn't read it all as it seemed far fetched and how could all be well. I just thought it was a load of twaddle. But this time I thought what if, what if they are right and the law of attraction does work, what if we ARE supposed to be happy joyous beings. I have written before that I think that if we all got ourselves sorted out then we'd spend far less of our lives worrying about other people and things that we can not change.

So, I have taken onboard the idea that all is well, what has happened has happened. I can't change that, I can appreciate the good things and let go of the past. All desires are registered by the universe and when we are ready to increase our vibrations to joyous and to allow the desire to manifest then it will.

In the past I have felt my vibrations and mood lift sky high on a raw food diet then got unnerved about the height and fallen hard. This time I am not eating raw all the time but my mood and vibrations are lifting. I am consiously thinking positive thoughts, trying to let go and have fun and trying out singing. I was told I sang flat as a child and have always done so. Now I have let go and started singing anyway. It uplifts my spirits and I just know that singing flat will soon be all in the past.

Tiny Homes

2008-06-07T15:48:00.000+02:00

I bought a magazine about eco-housing this week and it had an article about small cheap housing. I really think the tiny house looks excellent. It uses less stuff to build, heat etc. You have less space so are obliged to have less stuff. The idea that it is cheaper also means less time working to pay off loans. Some of them have lots of glass which makes them feel spacious. A tiny house combined with a covered area outside and a greenhouse would be the ultimate in green living. I have been drawing plans, it would be great to build one in the garden. That said we already have more building than we use, we don't always think we have enough space! We had been talking about expanding over the stable so Flo could have her own room, maybe we just need to look at things in a new light and start some serious clutter clearing.

I found a blog about tiny homes which shows lots of great examples.

http://tinyhouseblog.com/gallery/

My Garden

2008-05-26T22:47:00.002+02:00

Things are growing really well, the nettle forest is enormous and I hope we will leave them long enough to collect the seeds; We ate loads of young ones cooked. Today I made a flat bread of sunflower seeds and nettle but that is still in the dehydrator. The nettle kraut got really stinky and I threw it out. It tasted odd, not off but not really very appetising. I'm sure I'll try again one of these days.
My website now has loads of pictures and detail of what is going on in the garden at the momment so please check it out.
http://wildgreencuisine.com

Red Slug Syrup

2008-05-26T22:43:00.002+02:00

The childrens coughs went on and on in fact they are still coughing occasionally so I cracked and made some red slug syrup and recommended by a neighbour and by Dr Vogel in The Nature Doctor. There is a recipe and pictures here http://suzplace.com/slug.html

Corsica

2008-05-26T22:40:00.001+02:00

We had a lovely week in Corsica in April staying with some friends who a have a smallholding. http://www.corsicaincompany.com

I've put some pictures here http://suzplace.com/corsica.html

Web Site

2008-03-08T17:07:00.000+01:00

I have started my website about wild food, green food, growing food, fermenting food etc. It is an on going project so please keep coming back for more.

www.wildgreencuisine.com

Frustration, Canser and Bugs

2008-03-04T13:07:00.001+01:00

All my kids are coughing, Flo and Eben the most. Flo missed two days of school and Eben is still home. They eat well and I've tried homeopathy, vitamins etc. I was appalled to find aspartame in the Vit C tabs I bought, not a good idea for the kids. Part of me is saying that I need to up the defensive, force the green smoothies down them etc, part just says 'you've failed, put it in the hands of the doctors'. I just want their bodies to be able to fight this off not going to doctor for drugs which might fight the bugs but not help them in the long term.

I don't think the fact that my Mum has canser (I'll spell this the same way as Kris Carr does on her CrazySexyCancerBlog ) helps, she has bowel canser and has had a week of chemo and radiation, and is now on a third week of radiation. To me the treatment is nearly as frightening as the idea of canser itself. She is fighting tho and my brother is staying with her and has embraced the raw food concept so I know she is eating well.

I just feel helpless against bugs at the momment. I'm stepping up my lacto fermenting efforts in a bid to out bug the badbugs with goodbugs.

Dandelions

2008-03-04T12:54:00.001+01:00

Dandelions are popping up all over the place at the momment. Most people collect the blanched ones in mole hills but I pick the green bitter ones now. Sometimes I make a dressing for them with honey in or at others I cut them up fine and add to another salad. Last night I mixed them with spring cabbage, olive oil, balsamic vinegar and ginger. It was a tasty mix. I also made sunflower seed paté which I served with tomato, cucumber and celery. It not the season for tomatoes and cucumber yet but I just fancied something different.

Nettle Juice!!!!!

2008-02-28T13:51:00.001+01:00

There are fresh young nettles shooting out all over the place.

I have juiced them for the first time. Read more on my wild green blog.

www.wildgreencuisine.blogspot.com

Uk Trip

2008-02-13T21:22:00.001+01:00

We are off to the UK for 10 days tomorrow. There are lots of people for me to show off my darling daughter to!

I like to see my friends but would really much rather stay here at home. The weather is great and I just want to get on with the garden. I still have time to plant more fruit trees and bushes and then I can start with greening up the ground with all ediable plants. Should be fun. See you soon.

Mouse Mischief

2008-02-03T12:35:00.001+01:00

About 2 weeks ago I put some washing on. The machine seemed to be working but finished quicker than I expected. I went to open the door but it was still sealed and full of water. I tried various settings on the dial to get it to empty out but nothing worked. I turned the machine off and thought I'd wait till Griff got home. Later on I was standing in the kitchen preparing dinner, Arwen was in her little car seat looking on and I suddenly heard the machine door and a woosh of water. Gwils had opened the door, turning it off had unlocked the door! I got it shut so not quite all the water came out. There was Arwen in the middle of the puddle looking like she was sailing a boat. I ran for my wet and dry vac to get the water. We have a very old tiled floor which is lain on compacted earth so great for absorbing water!

Griff checked the pump and filter and found a euro coin so we thought it might have been that, but no it still wouldn't empty. We got quite a technique of emptying part of the water into a flexy bucket and sucking the rest with the hoover! We decided it must be the pump and ordered one for 30 euros on the internet. It arrived and still didn't work. So either there was a blockage somewhere or we needed a new machine. Griff removed the drain pipe from the pump and blew up it, sure enough it was blocked. Our machines drain pipe joins to another then goes out side into fatter tubing and into the garden, great for watering in the summer. We seperated the two pipes and there it was a big lump of fluff, or so we thought, on closer inspection it was a mouse. It had come up the pipes and got stuck at the join where it narrowed. We removed the mouse and everything worked fine. Good job we didn't buy a new machine.

Today I put a wash on and the same thing happened and low and behold another mouse up the tube. Are they on some suicide mission?

2 Mes

2008-02-02T18:31:00.000+01:00

Somedays I get really confused as to who I am. I feel like there are two of me. There is me who is relaxed and cool, at one with myself and the rest of the world, I get excited about healthy food and exercise and just love life. Then there is the me who wants to eat chips, roast meat and cream, who wants coca-cola and wine, is irritable and grumpy and shouts a lot.

I guess it is part of a process, once I was just the second person, before I discovered healthy eating and exercise and listening to the inner voice of intuition. Now I am getting closer to being the real me but the old me still hangs around frustrating me and the people around me. I don't seem to know how to say goodbye, it was nice knowing you and you have taught me lots of lessons but now it is time to pack up your bags and leave. Sometimes I really feel like I am letting go but part of me jumps in and brings the bad habits back.

Change isn't easy, not for me anyway.

Wheat Grass

2008-02-02T16:16:00.001+01:00

In the absence of wild greens at the momment due to snow I have been juicing wheat grass. Wheat grass juice was a creation of Ann Wigmore. It contains 92 different minerals, beta carotene, vitamins B, C, E, H and K. It has 19 amino acids, lots of enzymes and is 70% chlorophyll. It is extremely good for. Taste wise its a bit strange but I think its worth it for all the good it is supposed to be doing. I use a manual juicer it works extremely well and I am very happy with the result. Once I start juicing wild greens too then I might upgrade to something like this. Champion juicer . Wheat grass and other juices can also be added to smoothies or diluted in water to make them more palatable.

Wild Green Cuisine

2008-02-01T23:45:00.001+01:00

This is the name of my new blog and upcoming website. I'm am fascinated by all the greens and wild foods we can eat and how good they are for us.

My belief is that if we covered all the worlds cultivated lands with first fruit or nut trees then fruit shrubs or perenial tall greens and followed by greens on ground level then we would have enough food for all to live a healthy life. In the absence of interested farmers then all people with gardens could start on this and feed themselves.

www.wildgreencuisine.blogspot.com

Shopping with kids

2008-02-01T22:26:00.001+01:00

Sometimes I love shopping with my smiley children, I see the looks of peoples faces when they are smiled at and I'm so glad I took my kids with me. Other times I am amazed by the gloom, a toddler smiles and is full of the joys of spring (summer, autumn or winter) and people say 'oh they're happy now, but just wait they'll see what life is really like!' It makes me so sad that these people just can't see it!

Day 3 raw. Whoopee!!!

2008-01-23T11:07:00.001+01:00

Well I've managed 2 days of raw so far and am starting the third well. I've been eating fruit and loads of green salads, I've had a little raw ham and cheese to help with cravings. The cravings aren't too bad as I am ready for this. Lots of carrot juice and rejuvelac too. I cheated with a baked potato last night as I had done them for the kids and after their salads they didn't want them, it seemed a shame to waste them! I really didn't need it though it was just piggery.

I have just read Green for Life and Wild Fermentation. Both books are very inspiring and I have tried a green smoothie, not bad, and have my first batch of saurkraute started in the kitchen.

On Monday I felt great, I now feel a little tired but am not worried about that, I'll get through!

Growing Grass

2008-01-08T15:01:00.001+01:00

Why is Mummy growing grass on the windowsill when there is so much in the garden? Florence's comment about my wheatgrass! I have bought a manual juicer so plan to try it out. I'm not really sure how much I'll need for a few drops of juice but I'm going to try it in the next couple of days. Then when spring comes I'll be trying wild greens in there. Its not suprising I worry about people thinking I'm mad is it?

HAPPY RAW YEAR

2008-01-08T14:51:00.001+01:00

To you!

Thats my aim anyway, but I'm struggling, I'm craving bread like mad and keep giving in. I have loads of things in the freezer that have to be eaten too. I have made up a plan which leaves once or twice a week to use up some of the stuff in there but I'm still finding it hard. Its like having 2 personalities. One is heavy, dull and eats badly and the other is bright and sparky and light. The problem comes when the bright sparky person manages to get out due to good diet and exercise and I look at myself and say who the hell are you? I don't know you, with all this energy you're going to have to do much more, people will think you are strange, no more treats, just being odd for the rest of your life. Then I give in and go back to my previous habits. Why do we do this? I know I am not alone, What are we afraid of?

Home made Christmas tree

2007-12-20T10:13:00.001+01:00

The kids like to have a Christmas tree, I think they look pretty but don't like seeing all those trees chopped down each year. The land would be better planted with fruit or nut trees or just trees that stay there and look pretty all year round.

I thought about buying an artificial tree, but thats brings up the problem of plastics etc so I decided we'd make a tree. I had planned to use wood but then chose to try one out in cardboard first and it was so good we decided to keep it.

Griff has bought me a chestnut tree to plant in the garden so this year we have two Christmas trees one live one that will go on to feed us in years to come, yummy roast chestnuts and another from a recycled cardboard box and secondhand decorations and some decorations made by the kids. We'll be making paperchains this weekend.

Dry or Wipe ?

2007-11-30T16:21:00.001+01:00

I recently read about the amount of paper that is used to wipe our bums with. Its an enormous amount. Then I read about it here http://nakedfoodcafe.blogspot.com/2007/11/doing-paperwork.html

We have an outside dry toilet and at one point used old newspaper but it wasn't really absorbant enough so we started buying proper paper. We try and use as little as possible and encourage the children to do the same. They are pretty good but sometimes the appeal of the cardboard tube becomes too much and down the loo goes the paper!

I was sent this picture yesterday and I just had to post it. Is this the solution? :)

8 skipping ropes

2007-11-27T14:26:00.001+01:00

My house is full of so much stuff, I can't believe how much. I am not a tidy person and have become a hoarder. I like to recycle and reuse things so everything is kept, just in case! I have started on the kids room which is a tip. Flo has 8 skipping ropes and she can't even skip :)

Do I just tidy the mess or do I get rid of it. Today I listened to so tapes I'd copied off of the radio and they are definatly going in the bin, one even had me singing on it, yuck yuck yuck. I cut that one so noone could get it out and listen to it, it was awful.

Sometimes I'd just like to throw everything away and start from scratch. So much of the stuff is stuff we have been given and whilst it is so often usefull and the kids are dressed mostly like that it is still too much but I don't like to say no and so the cycle goes on and on. I cleared my desk yesterday and it is so much nicer sitting here now than it was.

Intuition and Bananas

2007-11-09T11:09:00.001+01:00

To make use of your own intuition you have to trust it, COMPLETELY!

I was reminded of this on my friend Connies blog. Its something you have to do during childbirth. Odd things happen when giving birth and you just have to trust that they are right for you or to know clearly when they are not and to act on it. I can do it then but its not easy the rest of the time, which voice is intuition, which comes from my mind and is based on learnt behaviour and which is just down right addiction (this is the easiest to spot, the cravings for bread and wine are a big give away!)?At the start of my pregnancy my inner voice kept telling me to eat fruit, my mind kept saying 'Why? I don't like fruit.' I chose to listen and found myself not only enjoying fruit but eating more raw food than I ever had. It went wrong when I stopped listening and followed what was expected of me when in England and I didn't get back to it. Its getting better now but I have to listen to my intuition about what to eat NOW, not in the morning when I'll start my new diet, but NOW when I feel like carrot juice or nettles.

In the summer Connie started a new blog called Banana Island and along with her family she followed a mono fruit diet for a while. I was envious of their commitment and found that it seemed like such a good idea. I don't think I'll do that as my intuition is screaming green and wild foods to me. Not just nettles but the great selection of wild green stuff that grows around me. I will listen to my intuition and I will do it and get fit and well and happier than imaginable, I just have to trust.

Thank you Connie for your blogs and the inspiration that they give.

http://nakedfoodcafe.blogspot.com/

http://bananaislandgetaway.blogspot.com/

5 weeks, ALREADY?!

2007-11-09T10:35:00.001+01:00

Wow, I can't believe Arwen is already 5 weeks old, time has really flown. I am typing this with her asleep in the baby carrier. She spends most of her time in someones arms and sleeps in with us at night. Some people have said ''oh, you don't want to get them used to being carried around and picked up when they cry'' my answer to that is that I would rather my newborn learnt that when she needs me that I am there as opposed to learning that she'll be ignored. People also ask if she is good. Is a newborn really good or bad? They have needs thats all and its up to us their parents to make sure they are met.

Mum stayed for just over a week, the kids loved it. I find it hard as she wants to talk all the time and I don't. I'm a solitary person and to be in anothers company all the time is hard. Okay so I have 4 kids but thats not the same and I still need my space.

For Halloween I invited some friends for dinner so the kids could dress up. For a couple of years halloween seemed to get more popular in France but this year nothing, no decorations or costumes in the shops, nothing. We decorated the house and painted the kids faces so they had fun.

I swam for the first time since before Arwen was born on Sunday. I managed a kilometre which is what I was doing before but it is easier to swim at the end of pregnancy than getting back into it a few weeks later! I have been for a couple of runs with Eben and can just about manage a run with a nearly 5 year old! I really want to get running again. Next October I plan to run a marathon, not give birth!

I am still drinking my nettles (occasionally) and have drunk carrot juice again this morning. I have even started some clover and mustard seed sprouts which is the first time since January. Yeh to getting back to raw!!!!!

Placenta Smoothies

2007-10-24T14:50:00.001+02:00

When I first read about these my thought was YUCK. But when Arwen was born I was showing Flo the placenta and decided to try a small piece. It should stop post partum hemorrhage and it was suprising fine to eat, not meat like or chewy just warm really. The rest went in the fridge with the intention of burying it in the garden but the more I thought about it the more I thought it would be more sensible to consume it for all the vitamins, minerals and hormones it contains. Some people cook it but I couldn't do that, others dehydrate it and make capsules with it but smoothies seemed the easiest way to go and the rawest. I cut the placenta into inch cubes and froze most of it. It was odd cutting up a part of me but then I thought about cutting up dead meat and I can do that and this wasn't even something that had been killed it had just finished its job.
I have nearly finished all the pieces. I just blend one with water and half a banana or a pear and it just tastes of the fruit that is in it. I guess that is what has been helping me to continue to feel so well. Arwen is a lovely baby, she suckles and sleeps and loves to be in my arms much of the time. School holidays start on Friday so we will all be together everyday and my Mum is coming too so that should be quite an experience!

A lovely Sunday

2007-10-07T21:31:00.001+02:00

What a lovely day we've had. Griff took the 3 eldest kids to the swimming pool this morning and I stayed at home with Arwen and cooked Sunday lunch, I love raw food but still have a thing about Sunday lunch. They got back and we all ate together with Arwen at the table too in her Daddy's arms. My complete family together, lovely. After lunch most of us slept a while then we went out for a walk round the wood behind our house. Griff and Flo ran, Eben zoomed off alone and us slow ones pootled behind and kicked through the chestnut leaves on the ground. The sunshine was brilliant and it was warm. We've since had supper together and the kids are in bed and I'll be going soon, Griff is watching the last quarter final of the rugby world cup over at a neighbours.

In all our day has been perfect and so different from what it could have been had I decided on Friday to go to the hospital to give birth. It would have been spent in an overheated room with people popping in all day, the kids would have gone up the walls when visiting etc.

Homebirth is definatly the way to go.

PINK PINK PINK !

2007-10-06T15:40:00.001+02:00

We are so delighted, we have a little girl. She is called Arwen Elenor and was born at home yesterday evening. Labour was short but hard, I still feel ecstatic now but am glad to have my family complete and not have to do that again. Birthing at home with just the family is so much nicer than being in a hospital. Its hard work for Griff though running round after us being parent, cook, midwife, cleaner etc. The children are delighted with the baby, Gwilym is a little unsure which is to be expected so everyone is paying him that little extra bit of attention. We'd have been really pleased with a boy or a girl, but it being a girl really is the icing on the cake.

Here she is.

Cutting cords of attachment

2007-09-29T08:45:00.001+02:00

I've just been reading about a book on cutting cords of attachment. It is written by Rose Rosetree who has also written good books on empathy and aura reading. The book is more about spiritual attachments than physical but is relevant to me at the momment knowing that sometime in the next two weeks I'll be severing the bond that attaches me so closely to this baby I am carrying, the spiritual bond will be stronger than ever but the physical one has to go. I also need to break my link with the Internet at times. I have so many things I want to write about but as the computor is attached by cable to the net at all times I tend to surf rather than write. I need to detach the cable and move away for a while and get typing. Addictions are attachments I wonder if the techniques in the book work. At the momment I feel that giving up an addiction is a matter of choice. Its making the choice that is difficult. Sometimes we think we want to give something up but deep down we don't, perhaps that deep down thing is the cord of attachment. I'll have to order the book to find out!

Nesting and Waddling

2007-09-09T12:03:00.001+02:00

I'll be 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I reached the momment were time seems to be standing still. Birth is so close yet so far, I am so looking forward to it but at the same time I don't want it to happen just yet as I love feeling the baby move and the practise contractions. I'm drinking lots of raspberry leaf tea, its nice just to pick them straight from the bush and to nibble of a few raspberrys at the same time. I am still eating loads of fruit but too much cooked stuff. I am knocking out quick meals most of the time and relying to much on staples such as rice and potatoes. Florence and Eben are back at school and eat there at lunchtime. Each evening we have a big salad. Eben seems to have turned into a rabbit and loves his greens at the momment. I need to find a better balance. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the idea of raw that instead of cooking a vegetable I end up leaving it in the fridge until it rots were as if I'd cooked it we'd at least get some good out of it.
I've prepared all the things I need for the baby and have even been down on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor which is very unlike me, definately nesting instinct! I went for an ultra sound scan at 33 weeks and all looks fine, I was very pleased with myself for saying I didn't want to know the sex of the baby, Griff hoped to see but he or she just showed their back so we are both still in the dark. I'm going back to see the midwife on the 17th September then plan to leave it at that. We are still planning on having this baby at home, just us, but the hospital knows about us should I decide to go in.
The swimming pool has been closed for a week and will be for another which is a bummer, the only option left to me now is walking and I'm not doing that very well anymore as I waddle! Never mind I'm doing lots and lots of reading and lounging on the sofa as sitting isn't very comfy either. I read today the theory that nature makes the last month of pregnancy uncomfortable on purpose so that we look forward to birthing, maybe thats true.

Over Eating

2007-08-15T20:36:00.001+02:00

I've just taken some pancreatic enzymes to help with my digestion, at others I drink cider vinegar, sometimes gaviscon or bicarb for the acid reflux. Why can't I just simply eat less? Its daft and I know its not just me, people the world over are popping pills for illness's caused by simply eating too much or not eating what is good and natural. Crazy, aren't we all pigs?

I'm Back!

2007-08-11T16:32:00.001+02:00

After 3 weeks in England we got back home last Monday. I've got out of the habit of blogging so need to get back to writing down some of these thoughts that whizz around in my head all day. I also need to act on a lot of them and not waste time just surfing for something to do.

I found England hard work to start with but then relaxed and enjoyed seeing people. I hated the car journeys though, the UK is so over populated that short journeys take for ever, 4 hours to cover 80 miles on a sticky afternoon with 3 kids in the car and a dodgy exhaust pipe that pumped its fumes into the car when we opened the windows was not fun for anyone involved!

For the first week I managed to keep up with eating fruit for breakfast and some salad but then it just went wrong, toast, sandwiches, cakes, fish and chips etc etc. The main thing I noticed was how dry eating like that is, its odd because when eating raw I like the dehydrated things as otherwise food is too wet! Balance is needed. I am slowly moving towards raw again, very slowly, its not just me I still have 4 others to feed so we are having lots of salads with or before cooked meals. We had tomato and clover salad today which everyone enjoyed even though the clover is quite bitter. We've been shopping twice since we got back and it just seems daft when I see all the green stuff in the garden which is edible but we don't eat through lack of habit, hence the clover today. We also have blackberries and plums which are delicious even if a little waterlogged. There is actually a little sun today, the first we have seen since getting back, so I'll be back later when I have picked more delights from the garden to eat.

Feeling unwell

2007-07-10T22:17:00.001+02:00

Well I really don't think my body appreciated the way I fed it at the weekend. Yesterday afternoon Griff opened a packet of crisps (potato chips) and poured me a glass of rosé. Its odd how even though crisps are so greasy and bad for me that I can't stop stuffing, after that an half a glass of wine I started to feel sick and still feel grotty over 24hrs later. I've eaten a bit of fruit and drunk lots of carrot juice. This evening I tried some scrambled egg and toast, not ideal but was what Griff did for the kids and it looked lovely, it didn't make me feel better worse. I may have picked up a bug as the Griff and the kids haven't been at their best either, or maybe I gave everyone food poisoning with my cooking.

I've got people coming for lunch tomorrow who were already worried that as a brit that I might serve them lamb with mint so I am going to mix lots of salady stuff with some pork and paté so everyone is satisfied. On Thursday we are picnicing with neighbours so we can watch the Tour de France go by together, then Friday we are invited to friends in the evening so my raw food diet is already getting difficult. I just don't want to be ill when we are in England and I don't want my diet exhausting me. This is going to be a real test of how much I can care for myself and not worry about what other people think, tricky!

Pizza and Cherry Tart

2007-07-09T11:00:00.000+02:00

My pizza and cherry tart had alot more success with the kids than the curries I made. I served the pizza with a green salad which consisted of shop bought lettuce with garden picked clover, comfrey (tiny amount) and vine leaves. We also had the onion bread with pureéd aubergines and that was good too. We made Eben taste the left over nettle curry and his reaction was one of such horror, he was convinced it was stinging the inside of his mouth. The base of the cherry tart was made of sunflower seeds and cherries and Flo loved it. I have also tried out flaxseed crackers and guacamole with more crispy vine leaves and sage leaves.
At the weekend I again slipped into the world of cooked food and ended up with irritated bowels and bladder. One day of cooked does do too much harm but two causes all sorts of problems. I had some rosé wine too which didn't help matters. I ended up the day on bicarb of soda and vitamins to try and deacidify my body. This morning I woke up achy and craving juices and smoothies. I'm really going to have to watch myself when we are back in the UK for 3 weeks.

Raw Stinging Nettle Curry

2007-07-06T09:28:00.001+02:00

Yesterday I spent quite alot of time uncooking, I wasn't feeling in a good mood in the morning and found the food preparation very relaxing. These are the things I made.

1. Sprouted wheat and tomato flat bread / pizza base.

2. Sprouted wheat, onion and poppy seed flat bread.

3. Aubergine marinated in garlic, lemon juice and olive oil.

4. Courgetti with red pepper, basil and nettle pesto and chopped tomatoes.

5. Sprouted wheat pulao 'rice' with raisins and cashews.

6. Courgette cardamon curry.

7. Aubergine, coconut curry.

8. Stinging nettle and coriander curry.

9. Semi dried tomatoes

10. Courgette rings marinated in garlic and chilli and semi dried.

We had the courgettti for lunch, the older kids ate theirs with some protest, Gwilym kept asking for more and yum yumed his way through. We then had some cooked pea soup and garlic mushrooms.

Yesterday evening was a disaster, Flo, Eben and Griff had been swimming and got back late and were tired. Neither kids ate their curries and Griff just ate his with no comment then stuffed on paté, bread and cheese. Gwilym loved the 'rice'. I thought it was all delicious, even the nettle curry which was a fun experiment and one I will do again.

Today I intend to turn the tomato pizza base into a pizza with the semi dried toms and courgettes together with other bits and pieces. I will also purée the marinated aubergine to have with the onion bread. I will serve all that with the white sausages that Griff and the kids bought yesterday. That shows a great improvement in my mood as last night I was going to have all the yummy raw food and they were just getting sausage and potatoes!

Dying or being alive

2007-07-02T15:13:00.000+02:00

Last month was one filled with death, a close friend lost her baby a week before it should have been born, 3 close friends lost their dads and our community lost its mayor. The first was by far the hardest to deal with, a little girl who never really got the chance to be alive. Each time I heard of a death I thought 'I don't want to die, thank goodness I'm still alive'. I started to think about what being alive means.
Do we spend most of our lifes dying or are we being alive. I think that as kids we are alive. Look at the joy you see in kids faces and they are truly living. Sometime we start to die, unfortuanatly some sooner than others. The way people treat us adds to this process, so does the stuff we ingest into our bodies. We are taught to think that dying all your life is normal, we have to do as we are told, follow doctors and parents who don't know any better, we are taught that it is better to look after other people than ourselves, putting ourselves first is seen as selfish. I've realised that this is a load of old rot, we need to put ourselves first, learn to love ourselves and get on with living our lives. If we really do what is best for us, for our minds, bodies and spirits then we will feel great and be more there for life. We can take responsability for ourselves, others won't have to give up their lives to look after us. Looking after ourselves doesn't mean ignoring everyone else or not being kind, I just believe that if we really all took care of ourselves we would have more time for others, for having fun with them, not nursing them or listening to their health wows. Changing the way we think isn't always easy, we don't want to give up the way we think, what we eat and drink. I find myself eating or drinking things I don't want to because I don't want to upset others around me, this is just ludicrous. Why should I fill my body with crap just to make someone else happy, why do I feed my own children crap food, just to make them happy? Its daft because feeding them good live food will make them so much happier in the long run as they will feel better and learn that feeling good about being alive is the way to be.
I've been struggling with my raw diet but now realise that the choice is really mine, do I want to be dying or living?

Chocolate Cherry Cake (Raw of course)

2007-06-26T16:25:00.000+02:00

On Sunday I decided to unbake a cake. I found a recipe on a friends blog http://www.nakedfoodcafe.blogspot.com and adapted it to suit my ingredients. This is what it came out like.

The base and top for the cake were made from 3 cups dates and 3 cups of brazil nuts and a tablespoon of cocoa powder. I processed them in a food processer with half a cup of water then shaped into two rounds on a greaseproof tray which I put in the freezer for about an hour, till firm.

The filling and topping were 3 cups cherries, 3 tbsps cocoa, 1 cup ground cashews, 2 tbsps honey all whizzed up together. I also put fresh cherries in the middle and on top.

It was so delicious and rich. I'll definatly be doing more unbaking. Thanks for getting me started Connie.

Swimming Flo

2007-06-26T16:17:00.000+02:00

On Saturday night we went to a party at Griffs swimming club, there were to be games and races for the children and adults. The first race was for the kids, they had to do 2 lengths (of a 25 metre pool), starting by jumping or diving in, then swimming to a float and swimming underneath it, then more swimming and climbing out onto a float and walking across 2 others, then swimming some more then diving down through a metal cage, swimming to the end, climbing out and jumping back in to do it all again. Flo hasn't joined the swim club yet as the criteria to join is to be able to swim a length unaided. She can just about do it now and will have lessons this summer before joining in September. Back to Saturday, Flo was called over to join in the race and the next thing we knew she was up on the starting block and ready to go first, I was with the boys so sent Griff to keep an eye on her, old mother hen! She jumped in holding her nose but then did the whole length no problem, she got out at the other end not realising she was meant to go again but once told happily jumped back in and did it all over again. We were so proud of her, what a girl!

Bouncing Belly and Vine Leaf Crisps

2007-06-21T19:16:00.000+02:00

I am now 5 months pregnant and when I lie down my belly bounces up and down as the baby kicks, I thought I didn't 'see' the movements till later on in the past, but its fun and gives the other kids chance to see their baby brother or sister. I chose not to have an ultra sound at 23 weeks as I can tell that things are growing okay and feel great. One big reason for this scan is to check for abnormalities so an abortion can be performed is desired. I knew I didn't want that so didn't see the point. The other big reason is to find out the gender, everyone is asking me if I know. I did with the other three but this time would like a suprise.

I had a week of eating lots of cooked food and the acid reflux and aching legs came back. After 4 days back on raw things are better again, I have more energy and feel happier. I am really enjoying this pregnancy and feel relaxed and serene about it.

Last night I tried a recipe for green crisps, I used vine leaves dipped in a paste of ground cashew nuts, salt, olive oil, garlic and chilli, then put them in the dehydrator for a few hours to 'crisp' up. Scrumptious!

One Month Raw!

2007-06-10T15:30:00.001+02:00

Its been 4 weeks since I started my raw challenge. I've done really well and eaten more fruit than I normally would have done in a year. I still slip up and give in to the toast and butter craving but most of what I'm eating is alive and well. On Friday my failure proved the sucess of this way of eating. I ate cooked all day Friday and had to go to bed early and had terrible trouble waking in the morning, something that was happening frequently pre raw but hasn't happened this month. What else has changed? Since getting back on the carrot and apple juice I have felt much more alert and happy. I guess its the sheer quantity of good nourishment that you can get from juice.
I have used a site called nutridiary to work out how many calories I have been eating and to see if I am eating a balanced diet. A couple of things have suprised me. One is the amount of protein in vegetables, most food composition tables don't even bother with the protein from veg but even a simple courgette has 14% protein, so if you mix fruit and veg its easy to get enough protein. The biggest suprise was related to calcium and iron, even vegan nutrition books don't tell you that there are stacks of both in green leafy veg. Parsley is especially high. About 500g of parsley will provide all the iron and all the calcium most people need in a day. Ok so that is a lot of parsley, but if you juice it its not much to consume and think how much one cow has to eat to provide the meat for the iron and another has to eat to provide the milk for the calcium! I can't believe how much we have been brainwashed, even well known nutritionalists say that a pregnant woman can't fulfil her calcium needs without supplements, cods wallop I say, its just a case of getting used to consuming different foods and believing in what is growing, often beneath our feet.
I plan to continue to eat and drink this way I really feel like its the right thing to do, slip ups will come but won't last for long as this is so much better. I still have urges to drink wine and beer but one glass and my legs feel like they will collapse so that not much fun.
I am now 23 weeks pregnant and feeling great. The acid reflux that had started has stopped and my legs have hardly been achey. I swam 1200metres yesterday so am still able to do some exercise. I tried running a little in the wood the other day but it hurt my belly so had to stop. I'll be able to run at the end of the year so its not much to drop it now. I'll be running round non-stop when I've got 4 little monsters to chase!

Week 3 Raw

2007-05-30T17:44:00.000+02:00

This is day 3 of week 3 and things are going well, apart from a major hiccup on Sunday and Monday. I feel better on this diet, the acid reflux has stopped, I have less aches and pains, no hypoglycaemia problems, I feel good about myself and I'm being creative.
Lunch today was tomatoes stuffed cashews and rocket, mushrooms stuffed with garlic and sunflower seed all on a bed of marinated cabbage. It was fabulous.
Tonight is a raw Indian meal, cauliflower and tomato curry, courgette curry, aubergines with cashew nut yogurt and pear and apricot chutney. I'll have mine on a bed of greens and I'll do some brown rice for the others.
Raw food doesn't have to be cold, I warm it through till just above finger hot so the enzymes aren't destroyed but its nicer warm and the flavours mingle better.

Bee Keeping

2007-05-23T09:49:00.001+02:00

On Saturday after lunch we went out in the garden. Flo said that she thought the bees were swarming, I said that I didn't think so as they'd been really busy and noisy the day before. We went to look anyway and lo and behold the sky near the hives was just a mass of bees. I hoped it was a swarm coming in to one of our empty ones but no it was one of our going out. Luckily it landed in a bush in the neighbours garden. I let if settle and phoned Griff for instructions. Normally he looks after the bees, I'm not very keen on them but I do know that swarming bees tend to be good tempered as they are on a fun mission and these are slovenian bees that are supposed to be nice natured anyway. Also I didn't want to loose them as we had a hive die off in the winter.

I put a film on for the kids and prepared a box for them, it was a half hive that we had bought the swarms in the year before, I kitted up and got the smoker going. I put the box under the swarm and shook the branch hard. Half the bees fell in the box and the rest on the floor, fortuantly they started to climb up the sides and go in. There were still some bees on the branch and the queen was one of them. She has a blue paint spot on her back. I carried on shaking as bees were coming back to the branch all the time. At one point I saw her fly but didn't see were she went. After a while I put a lid on the box so it was harder for the bees to get out and went and got another just in case I still didn't have the queen but this time they just flew straight out and the ones in the other box had already started to seal the lid down so I decided it was time to leave them and wait to see if they all went in the box or back up onto the branch. I got the kids off to their friends birthday party and went back an hour later. Whoopee they were all in the box. I was so pleased with myself, I'd done something I'd never done before and hadn't been agressed or stung, what a feeling! I waited till dusk and bought the box home. I lifted out the frames put them in an empty hive here at home and shook in the rest.

Sunday was rainy so I put a bag of soaked sugar in the top of the hive for them to eat as they had no reserves. Thank goodness I got them as they wouldn't have survived the rain on Saturday night in the bush they had chosen.

They are still there and flying well. I took some frames of honey from the hive that the swarm had come out off and gave them some empty ones to try and prevent them swarming again, so far so good and the honey is liquid, pure and delicious.

Raw Progress

2007-05-23T09:48:00.001+02:00

I've been doing really well with the raw food and have made some really tasty dishes, raw spaghetti dishes, raw lasagne, chocolate brownies and loads of fruit and nuts. I've slipped a couple of times, birthday cake at a friends party, toast and butter when upset. I seem to go straight for that when I'm upset, it used to be tea or wine too but now those are of the agenda its toast and butter I crave.

This morning though I was thinking about having toast and staved it off with fruit, but then the kids wound me up and my immediate reaction was ' I'll have to have toast now'. I wonder if I was just using the upset as an excuse rather than the upset making me want the toast. I haven't had it yet though.

I've ordered a small dehydrator so will be able to do more raw breads and things. Watch this space!

Raw courgette pasta with red pepper pesto

2007-05-16T19:31:00.001+02:00

Tonight I sliced a courgette / zuchinni into julieene strips so it looked like spaghetti then in a mixer whizzed up red pepper, basil, sunflower seeds and olive oil and poured over the courgettiti. Delicious and it took about 10 mins max. (If you don't have a julieene cutter you could grate it or very finely slice, or trim slivers with a potato peeler.

I was amazed how good it was, I think it would have been even better just warmed through on a radiator or in the sun for a while but I was too hungry, theres a tiny bit left so I'm off to finish it off!

Binging and back on raw

2007-05-16T15:49:00.001+02:00

My sugar cravings have been getting silly and I am still struggling with giving up alcohol completely. I just feel very silly being so unable to stop despite the problems it could cause. On Friday we had some friends over and I drank 3 glasses of wine with dinner which is more than I should have had. The next day I had stomach cramps and the runs and felt crap.
I decided it was time to get sorted and move back towards a raw diet and stop the drinking completely. I had to get rid of the sugar cravings first so on Monday I bought croissants, brioche and a strawberry cake and stuffed all day. I got acid indigestion and aches and pains in my joints and muscles. Yuck.
Yesterday was day 1 raw, I need to be carefull with it and eat enough, so I had avocado, tomato, bananas, dates, kiwi, pear, apple, sunflower seeds, pine nuts and the most foulsome carrot and nettle juice. I also drank lots of herbal tea. I felt fine.
Today I have eaten similar things so far but have been hungry alot and rather gurgly. It could be that I'm still a bit bunged up from all the carbo on Monday and the fruit is fermenting in there. I don't know how raw I'll be, I need to eat enough to feed me, the baby and Gwilym, but I believe that done right raw is the way to go for great health. I have been 'baking' today and made raw spouted wheat and onion bread and flapjack. It is drying behind the wood burner at the momment. The weather has turned colder again so I lit a fire today. Hopefully the spring will be back soon I've loads of plants in the greenhouse that need planting out in the garden, all yummy edible ones!

Tea free and gardening

2007-04-24T15:32:00.001+02:00

I've been tea free for a week now. Last Monday I just stopped, I thought of cutting down but just couldn't do it. By Monday evening I was foul tempered with everyone and could feel a headache coming on. Tuesday morning the headache was awful, I tried a paracetemol but that didn't do a thing. Later on in the day I started to feel sick and weak, reading hurt and I just wanted to curl up and die. Luckily the boys slept in the afternoon and I felt a bit better afterwards. I picked Flo up from school and then started to feel worse again. Griff wasn't there as he is doing a life saving course and I was begining to wonder if anyone would get any dinner. I decided to try one ibuprofen and if that didn't work I would go for a cup of tea to ease things. Fortunatly if worked and life went on and early to bed. I've had headaches on and off since then but its getting better and I don't miss it. I'm pretty short on energy and drive though. That said I ran for 20mins on Saturday and at the swimming pool on Sunday managed 1200m which really wiped me out but felt good.
The garden is looking beautifull we have lots of very noisy green frogs in the pond and were lucky enough to see a nymph crawl out of the water butt and transform into a dragonfly, amazing! The plants in the greenhouse are looking great, we are eating salads and the first flowers are forming on the tomatoes. There is also an awfull lot of grass to cut and ground to clear to get the potatoes in. When are we ever going to have the time and the energy to do it all? I've no idea, after Griffs course finishes he has to finish pruning his vines and then a week later should be going down south for a fortnight to work. I'm really glad hes been busy this holiday as it means we've been able to stay here rather than going to England or to my Mums. I'm really enjoying just hanging around.

Fruit and unassisted childbirth

2007-04-08T20:33:00.000+02:00

Its really strange how tastes change. I've always hated fruit but find myself wanting to eat it at the momment. Whereas before I liked salads and bean sprouts now I want fruit (as well as meat and veg!) The silly thing is that I've been so wrapped up in the raw food idea that most of our bramley apples have rotted, if only I'd cooked them a little and eaten with cream or ice cream. This evening we had a bowl of pineapple, kiwi and icecream for tea.

I want to try again to give up tea so have been looking into an alkaline diet to help me clear out the tea residues as quick as possible. I'm also drinking less tap water as ours has fairly high levels of lead, arsenic and fluoride which can't be good for me or the baby.

I had my 12 week scan and have seen a midwife. I am not going back for a while. I just feel like this is my pregnancy my last one and I just want to do it my way. I'll ask for help if I feel I need it. Eben was born at home with Griff as the midwife and I hope to do the same again. I've been rereading info on unassisted birth at www.bornfree.com and also listening to my centerpointe cd ( click here for centerpointe info ) that I bought when expecting Eben. It really helped me go inside myself and do what I really wanted to do not what was expected of me. I didn't listen when Gwils was on the way and did what people expected and went to the hospital. It was still a good birth but not as good as at home, snuggled by the fire with a newborn and chocolate biscuits!

Raw crumpets and hotcross buns!

2007-04-01T11:03:00.000+02:00

No not raw at all. My change to raw has failed miserably. We went to England for two weeks and the only thing that helped the nausea was carbohydrates and I stuffed and stuffed. All my beansprouts died and I haved grown anymore yet. I'm hoping that as the sun comes out and I start to feel less sick I'll be able to move more towards raw food, not 100% but a large amount. I need some omphh. After 3 weeks without running I've started again. Slow and only 30 minutes but thats fine. I plan to drop it to 20 mins when necessary but try to keep it up 3 times a week, ever hopefull!

I had my first scan on Monday and baby has head, body, limbs and heartbeat. Its always so moving the first time you hear a heart beating in something to small. Flo is delighted and hoping for a sister this time. Eben isn't so keen on the idea of two babies around the place.

I've managed to get my drinking under control at last, one small beer or glass of wine occasionally at home and a couple of glasses if we go out. Luckily anymore than that makes me feel foul. A good reason for morning sickness at last. I need to stop the tea though as that makes me feel bad too but I seemed to be totaly addicted to it. I have been drinking less, I'll have to get back to juicing carrots!

Topamax

2007-03-17T14:56:00.000+01:00

Topamax is a medication that is normally used for epilepsy but has been found to help migrane suffers and heavy drinkers/alcoholics to reduce their drinking down to sensible levels and helps them loose weight at the same time. It is best used with supplements and more info can be found here

Topamax info and supplements

See the links in the right hand column if you want to buy cheap topamax

Crushed by Empathy

2007-02-17T10:05:00.001+01:00

It should be empowered by empathy but this week it has crushed me. I have been feeling more and more wretched. All efforts to eat well have been met with hatred of myself and why should I bother, noone else cares about me etc. I was standing in the kitchen earlier trying to work out why I hate myself so much and why I was looking for a knight in shining armour to come and save me? Then it clicked! I have a friend who has been depressed and she is always looking to be saved by a man who will treat her like a princess. I realised that I was partly feeling her emotions and was able to let them go. Its like a fog cleared and I feel so much better. I guess that I was feeling a bit down due to feeling tired and sick and so my defences were down when she came to see me on Thursday and I just let it all in. I'll have to remember next time to shield myself.

I did it and the lumberjack.

2007-02-13T10:14:00.000+01:00

I did it! I got through day 1 without a drink and it wasn't anywhere near as hard as I thought. In fact it was easy and without a drink I didn't feel sick in the evening, brilliant. I did have two cups of tea though which meant I kept having to get up to wee which was a pain but I felt great. I'm sure I can keep it up as I wouldn't enjoy it with the feelings of worry about the health of this baby. Normal kids are hard enough sometimes. Most of the time they are lovely though. We heat our house with wood there is a stove in each room. Yesterday I was bringing in large pieces for the fire downstairs. We had already bought in a sack of small stuff for up stairs. Gwilym saw me stacking wood by the fire so started taking bits out of the sack to stack them too. It was adorable. Hes been walking less than two months and he was marching back and forth with bits of wood, he gave himself a little clap when he placed each one by the fire. This morning he finished the task and has emptied the sack.

Frightened

2007-02-12T09:31:00.001+01:00

I'm worried how we'll cope, we have very little money and a baby on the way. I had started sewing and making jewelry to sell but now I'm pregnant I have lost my self confidence again. What can I do to make more money? I don't want to ask the state for money but I might have to. This is so daft why does money have to mess so many things up?

Sunday Lunch

2007-02-11T16:13:00.001+01:00

Sunday lunch is a very special meal for me, I love my roast meat and roast potatoes with gravy and veggies. It doesn't have to be meat either a good nut roast can be just as delicious. I used to do a chestnut and mushroom one which was great. Today we had roast chicken with roasted potatoes and carrots and steamed cauliflower, lovely! I had been reading about FAS (foetal alcohol syndrome) this morning so when Griff served me a glass of white wine I was cautious and felt bad about every sip. What if today was the day for forming something important and its just been messed up by alcohol? The problem was that once the first glass was finished I wanted more, I wasn't happy with one glass and wanted more. I had another one of white and a glass of red. It's got to stop I'll have to just stop completely at least untill I've got out of the habit.

Sunday lunch is the reason I am in this situation, a Sunday lunch when I was 17. I had always said I didn't want children, when I was a little girl and other kids talked about how many children they would have I thought they were mad, I didn't want any and if faced with a baby had no idea what to do to entertain it. Anyway on this particular Sunday my boyfriend took me to a friends house for lunch. They had 4 kids and I was charmed by the big country kitchen and the familiness of it. The kids were great and I decided I would either have no kids or four. It must have been deeply imbedded in my consiousness as when I started to think that 2 was enough I found out I was expecting the third and since then well its been obvious that four it would be, although twins could be fun, taking it up to five but lets wait till the first scan for that and heres hoping for girls!

Running and Archangel Michael

2007-02-10T09:33:00.000+01:00

I went for a fantastic run yesterday. My friend and I ran for 40 minutes, the first 10 were awfull and we were both hoping the other would suggest turning back. She hadn't ran for 4 weeks as she has a hernia and it was my first run since realising I am pregnant. It was hard work but we both felt wonderfull afterwards.
I the evening I had a glass of white wine which was nice and my immediate thought was that I didn't want another and that even though I had drunk in my other pregnancies and my kids are okay this one might be different and I would feel really bad if I had an alcohol damaged child. So what did I do, I had a second glass of wine then a third. I would have liked more but had to stop myself. What a pilloc!!
I again prayed for help stopping, help with cutting the attachment I have to alcohol. I asked Archangel Michael to help me. Why can't I stop, why can't I cope with feeling well and energetic? So many questions and so few answers.
I have been drinking sunflower seed milk and crapple juice in a bid to get more raw foods inside me. I had a great salad at lunchtime of lentil, brocolli and clover sprouts with avocado, sunflower seeds and home grown lambs lettuce. It was very tasty and very filling. Last night I had a cooked dinner. So far today I've had nutmilk, tea and toast. Gwilym was up at 6am so I'm feeling cream crackered again.

Self Worth

2007-02-08T15:18:00.001+01:00

This afternoon I feel so tired and grumpy, I've failed with my diet and feel like I've failed myself. No one else has any time for me its just want want want. I desperatly want to sleep and even though he can see that Griff then comes out with maybe we could do some gardening. Why can't he just do it if he wants to but no that means I'm being lazy. Lazy old Suzanne who always needs someone telling her what to do. Why can't I just sort myself out? I'm not alone in often thinking that someone else should help me even though I know that is not true. The anwer and the solution to all our problems is inside of us. The problem is beliveing enough in our value to find it. As children we have to ask for everything, we need to but soon adults start telling us no you can't have that, don't be so selfish, at the same time our parents are still doing things for us and efforts to do things ourselves are stopped as we won't do it well enough, quick enough etc, we might do it wrong. Then we learn about doing things for others, its good to do things for others but we mustn't feel pleased with ourselves that would be egotistical. We have to look after others as it's the done thing. This doesn't work though does it as we learn that people can't cope without others to do things for them and we start to wonder why no one wants to do things for us. At the same time we don't let our partners do things as they won't do them as well as us, we start parenting our parents and if our parents are like us they are looking for someone to save them too even though they 'know' life is about doing things for others.

When we see people who do things for themselves and who do well we say aren't they selfish.

Surely there should be a way of doing things for others but at the same time being responsible for ourselves. If everyone was in the main responsible for their happiness then it would be okay as others would need less of us. It doesn't mean we wouldn't have friends and be able to be nice and give gifts etc but it might mean that less of us would feel worthless and that we should always be fullfilling other peoples needs rather than our own.

Feeling Shattered

2007-02-07T08:53:00.001+01:00

My salad was tasty yesterday but seemed to be missing something, bread or pasta I think! I was glad for the mushrooms as they gave a soft texture, red cabbage can be a bit too crispy on its own. In the afternoon I made some regular bread as we had friends coming for an aperitif and we wanted to serve our home made paté with it. I know it doesn't go with a raw food live diet but we buy an organic pig each year from our neighbour. He grows grain and lentils too so perhaps I'd be better of just buying that. I have 4 chunks of bacon hanging drying in my bedroom and one ham in the kitchen, the two from this year should be here soon. At least it means that when I give in to cravings its for quality meat. I drank wine last night, I'm not sure how much but not an enormous amount, the nausea hits me too quickly and I was busy eating loads and talking. We had a big bowl of mixed raw nuts and dried fruit too which was tasty.
I seem to have back ache already which is ridiculous and irritable bowels too. I've started taking flax seed for the omega 3 fats and to help clear out my insides. The magnesium and calcium supplement should help that too as well as with the feeling of constriction in my chest and throat that I seem to be having every so often. I also feel shattered its an odd sort of tiredness, I don't really want to sleep as I don't feel it will go away. I didn't have it during pregnancy number one but with the other two I did. I remember saying good night to Flo at 8 oclock and her saying 'its not bed time yet' and I went to bed and she stayed up. Now they all go to bed at 7.30 so I have time to rest after they have gone to bed.

For lunch we had spinach and lettuce salad with some lamb ribs that we bought the other day. I poured myself a glass of wine but managed to stop after one mouthfull. This evening we had salad with raw humous and I did potatoes for the kids and of course gave in and had some too.
Did I mention the massive Yorkshire pudding I did to go with the lamb? No, well I guess I should have. When I saw the fat that had come out I thought it was a shame that I hadn't done potatoes to roast in it so I knocked up and enormous Yorkshire to go with it. It was delicious but not really very raw and energy giving!

Pregnant Again!

2007-02-06T10:54:00.000+01:00

I spoke to my sister in law the day after Ebens birthday and she asked why I wasn't pregnant yet. I'd always said I wanted no kids or 4. I'd been thinking next year would be a good time to have number 4 that way it would be done before I was forty and there would be decent gaps between them. I got off of the phone and checked to see when my period was due and then realised why I had been feeling sicky all week, not because I was drinking too much but because I'm pregnant, oh boy oh my! How the hell am I going to cope? I feel shattered, I'm excited and I'm scared too. I'm going to need serious amounts of energy here. I don't want to stop running yet but how am I going to run, continue breastfeeding Gwilym and grow a new person too? The only way I can see getting that sort of energy in through a raw, live diet and of course the booze has to go. I found stopping completely impossible in my last pregnancies but this time I'm going to have to try. I know I'll find support on various forums but I need to commit to myself and family first. I have made a big salad for lunch of mushrooms, red cabbage, shallots, spinach, pumpkin seeds and raisins. I'm not sure about the raisins now I've tasted it but I can't take them out now and the kids should like them. I've also made some rejuvelac and have lots of sprouts going. I'm going to try lots of nut milk smoothies too. I just feel I have to get in as much good grub as possible then the cravings for wine and junk food should go away, shouldn't they?

Ebens Birthday

2007-02-01T11:14:00.000+01:00

It was Ebens fourth birthday yesterday so we invited all his class for a party. 11 children came, all with presents so Eben was in his element. The funny this was that they were as excited by his presents as he was. Flo did a magic show, they played with ballons and bounced on the beds. It was great fun. We did a buffet for the kids and adults that stayed and served orangina and white wine. I managed to stay off the wine till the party was nearly over so did make a prat of myself and didn't have a hangover this morning. I ate lots of fatty things and that really seems to do the trick for me. I ran this morning which was the first time in a couple of weeks because of the snow, it went really well despite wanting to turn round after 5 minutes because my nose was numb!

Trouble Signing In

2007-01-22T20:35:00.000+01:00

Its taken me since last Tuesday to log on again. Eben is well at last, I have recovered from yesterdays hangover induced by a lovely evening with Florence and Hervé but am feeling at odd with the world and especially Griff. Giving up drinking would probably help but I feel so shitty that this is my crutch, even if its a bit of a wonky one.

Sweet sickness

2007-01-16T21:51:00.000+01:00

Poor old Eben has been ill again. Gellified sweets at parties just do him in. Its so hard at not even 4 years old to say no when all the others are tucking in. But after an hour at the party he was feeling ill and 72 hrs later he still has tummy ache. Its so hard for him, people give sweets as treats and he is just ill.

Your Mother was Darth Vader

2007-01-13T08:44:00.000+01:00

or how to put your foot in it in one easy step! We were watching the last Star Wars film where Darth has saved Luke and become Anakin again and about to die. It made me think that we all have Darth Vaders in our families. Parents who have been drawn to do things that are not best for their children, drawn to do a certain duty rather than be their true selves. We do it to we put aside our dreams for those of others, we drink to much, work too hard and its only later as death approaches that we are able to understand what went wrong and come back to the true self. The parent who was loathed a lot of the time, becomes more loving and loved and then missed all the more when they die. To try and explain this to my friend I used their mother as an example, it went down like a ton of bricks as you can imagine. I tend to do that dive it without thinking and can be insensitive at times. I guess there is good in everyone just they often do their best to hide it.