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Saturday, October 16, 2010

Family Business-The Tie that binds-a written code of conduct can pave the way


Many business owners are struggling with the decision to hold or sell family business due to a lack of obvious successor. Inertia is a common problem in the family business and should be expected. Major causes of indecision is inadequate succession planning and misunderstanding about the "rules for conduct of the family." A qualified successor to the role of CEO may not be detected or may not have step forward because expectations regarding their working in the company must not be notified. It is very possible that unwritten family code of conduct (all family businesses have no) means that members should wait to hear from CEO before asking questions.

STATEMENT FAMILY MISSIONS

When the original contractor panic because of succession, need several critical questions concerning the interaction between business and family life.
Without taking up a few important issues and without discussing the answers in an open position, the family dialogue only a matter of time before the crisis looms and activities must be sold.Just as all businesses need a written policy plan, the family a written code of conduct or Family family Business mission statement; Family code can be a powerful tool and can be used to develop a framework for dialogue during family gatherings or annual business retreat locations.
Some critical issues to address to start developing a family of conduct and terms of reference that include:


How committed we are to keep your business in the family?
Shares Can be transferred between family members?
Is there a Buy-sell agreement between family members?
Let's form a family Council, which includes both active and inactive members of the family, so can we have a forum to openly discuss issues that companies?
Are members of the family is expected to work in the company, or are they free to look elsewhere?
The font characteristics and skills expected of family members join the activity?
All family members offered a job?
Other relatives or in-laws, that person Will be invited to participate in the activities?
What level of education is expected before the merge activity?
How will be assigned the responsibility and titles?
Will non-family managers employed?
How can performance be evaluated?
The training programme, we offer family members?
Can family members be heated?
How should each individual compensation level determined?
That will hold leadership positions?
How shall we give meaningful careers for individuals in leadership positions?
Outside of work experience is required before a family business?
Who is eligible to be the next PRESIDENT?
There is a scheduled retirement of the current leader, or a date to send control to subsequent leaders? There are a number of leadership plan?Should we have a Board of Directors and, if so, should the Board relatives?Which family members are eligible to sit on the Board of Directors? How is solved business disagreements, as well as family disagreements? What family members allowed to vote on strategic business issues? Will we operate in a Business first mode or works we as family first?

THERE ARE NO SIMPLE ANSWERS


There are many more questions that could be added to the list.
Questions that remain for entrepreneurs to consider, because there is no default answer.Questions such as these separate family businesses from other entrepreneurial endeavors.A response to the questions are often missed is that family companies are emotion-packed and answer questions can lead to the infamous "family feud."

Although dealing with issues which can be painful, cannot respond to them, lead to disappointment later. Hold a family meeting and engage in a dialogue with members of the family may at first seem risky, but when the words streamed, enthusiasm can build.Which issues are dealt with, will be the future more clearly and more manageable.Daily sensibilities will decrease and several of the management's time can be spent on critical operational and strategic issues; Activities then will have a better chance of success and can be better prepared to survive generational change ownership changes.

THREE DIFFICULT ISSUES

Three additional General issues should at all times, be given as the future of the company are planned:

What we have? "what we want? how we get there?

Don't be fooled, and believe that this is the simple issues; these issues applies to each company, as well as the family's overall financial planning; Developing responses to "How do we get there?" can pave the way to deal with specific questions about the list longer above; Developing and documenting a family code of conduct is a good start.








Daniel j. Maloney, CPA, CFP is founder and Principal of Certified Acquisition Associates LLC, a business intermediary firms specializing in sales, mergers and acquisitions of middle management market companies; If you have questions about how to prepare your business for sale, send a note to questions@certifiedacquisitions.com


Family Therapy for Happy Families


What is family therapy?

Family therapy is a form of psychotherapy aimed at solving family issues through family counselling. A treatment that family therapy is multiple or all family members involved that this technique finds the family as a unit. Emphasis is placed on the members that are directly related to the problem. Issues such as marriage, divorce, child-parent relationships, family conflicts, depression, addiction and similar family matters are usually managed by family therapists.The focus of family therapy is on family relationships and family interaction. instead of pin point the reason working family therapists on solving the problem with emphasis on the strength of the family.

What makes a family Therapist?

Family therapy sessions has helped hundreds of families are living together happily and peacefully. A family Therapist will inform family members of the family as a unit and the weight of each Member to carry out their roles effectively.A family therapist, helps family members to resolve conflicts through effective communication, minimize gaps. family members made to recognise the importance of the family as a unit. Their behaviour is analyzed and if they want to change their behaviour they explained why and how. Family therapy is a very efficient technique to create happy families.

In order to solve problems implementing family therapists ordinary sessions after the interval. They ask family members, either to undertake certain activities or behave in a certain way to solve problems and to achieve the goals of the family therapy sessions. Family therapy works best is when involved understand its importance, convinced, and willing to participate in solving the problem.

In what areas helps family therapy?

Family therapy for parent-child conflict:Parent-child relational problems are very common and can occur as a result of indifferent attitude of parents or children, bad company, less time for children, disagreement on various issues, etc., Family therapists work in order to achieve a better understanding of resolving conflicts. Family therapy can also resolve the pending questions family members in family life, as well as problems in the workplace, to raise children, social relationships, and relationships between family members.

Family therapy for learning disabilities:Family therapy can treat children with learning disabilities (USA) or development disabilities (UK). Learning disabilities refers to low General Intelligence of the person in comparison with the other.Family therapy can develop cognitive social-emotional skills-in young minds and inspire children to control their emotions and improve their performance.

Family therapy for marriage and Divorce:Family therapy can transform relationships gone sour smiley relations through therapy session for Family therapists educate pair. both members to manage conflicting situations delicately. to solve problems that can lead to happy relationships through in-depth discussions and the change in attitude.They promote the couple to make a new start.

Family therapy for chronic Medical Illness:Family therapy also works well in cases where a family member suffering from chronic diseases such as AIDS, which can cause psychological trauma for the whole family; family therapy discussion sessions enable families to cope with this difficult situation and help patients overcome disease with a positive attitude.

In addition to the above listed issues, you can also contact a licensed and qualified family therapist, resolving issues of family violence, child abuse and incest, death in the family, traumatic events, etc.

Ackerman Institute for family is intended to help families and dedicated to educating family therapists; For more information visit: http://www.ackerman.org.








Kevin is a freelance Writer and has written many informative articles; this time he wrote the article on Family therapy for good Families.


Friday, October 15, 2010

Resilience in individual and family systems

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Webster's Dictionary (1974) defines resilience as "an ability to recover from or adjust easily to change or misfortune" (p. 596). Although this definition is widely accepted, resilience may be conceptualized as being more than merely bouncing back from setbacks. Resilience may also be the ability to bounce forward in the face of an uncertain future (Walsh, 2004). Resilience has been conceptualized as the forging of strengths through adversity (Wolin & Wolin, 1993). Like the willow tree, people thrive if they have a strong, healthy root system. With branches flexible enough to bend with the storm and firm enough to weather strong winds without breaking, the willow tree can continue to grow despite being twisted into differing shapes. The willow tree may be a metaphor for the resilient individual and resilient family system. Resiliency is critical to mental health and healthy aging.

Bonanno (2004) defined adult resilience as a person's capacity to resist maladaptation in the face of risky experiences. Bonanno's individually-based definition of adult resilience assumes that resilience resides in the person, an observation supported by the list of individual attributes that covary with resilient outcomes in Bonanno's work (hardiness, self-enhancement, repressive coping, and positive emotion.). Importantly, this definition of resilience does not identify the positive outcomes that can result from adversity in the hardy individual. Despite Bonanno's (2004) narrow definition, his analysis includes an interesting finding that loss and brief traumatic experiences, despite being aversive and difficult to accept, are normatively not sufficient to overwhelm the adaptive resources of ordinary adults. Bonanno's research calls into question the research of Sameroff, Bartko, Baldwin, Baldwin, and Seifer (1998), which demonstrated in longitudinal analyses that as levels of adversity rise, and as resources fall, resilience becomes less tenable.

Rutter (1985) observed that strong self-esteem and self-efficacy make successful coping more likely, whereas a sense of helplessness increases the likelihood that one crisis will lead to another. In a similar vein, Kobasa's (1985) research findings supported his hypothesis that people with resilience possess three general traits: (1.) the belief that they can influence or control events in their lives; (2.) an ability to feel deeply committed and involved in activities in their lives; and (3.) a tendency to embrace change as an opportunity to grow and develop more fully. Thus, resilient children are more likely to have an inner locus of control (Seligman, 1990), or an optimistic belief that they can positively impact their fate.

Dugan and Coles (1989) suggest that individuals prevail over adversity more effectively if they have moral and spiritual resources. In a phenomenological study of nine subjects who had experienced such traumas as life in a concentration camp, disability, breast cancer, massive head injury, a life of violence and abuse, and loss of a child, Rose (1997) identified similar themes of resilience which emerged from individual interviews: the role of supportive others, empathy, self-care, faith, action orientation, moving on, positive outlook, and persistence. Rose identifies the foundational structure of resilience as faith, self-respect, striving, supportive others, coping, empathy, self-reliance, and moving on.

Closer scrutiny of children and families that are at risk reveals many exceptions to the "damage model" of development, which considers stress or disadvantage as predictive of dysfunction. For example, Werner and Smith (1992) conducted an extensive longitudinal study of almost a half a century of children from Kuai. The researchers found that in spite of early medical distress, poverty, school difficulties, teen pregnancy, or arrest, children were able to learn and persevere through difficulty, given adequate supports. In their analysis of how these impoverished children matured successfully, Vaillant (2002) notes that Werner and Smith emphasized, ". . . the importance of being a 'cuddly' child and of being a child who elicits predominantly positive responses from the environment and who manifests great skill at recruiting substitute parents" (p. 285). Werner and Smith point out that key turning points for most of these troubled individuals were meeting a caring friend and marrying an accepting spouse. It is also salient that Werner and Smith found that more girls than boys overcame adversity at all age levels. Walsh (2004) speculates that this finding reflects the notion that ". . . girls are raised to be both more easygoing and more relationally-oriented, whereas boys are taught to be tough and self-reliant through life. . . [and] often because of troubled family lives, competencies were built when early responsibilities were assumed for household tasks and care of younger siblings" (pp. 13-14). Werner and Smith's study is especially important in reminding clinicians that early life experiences do not necessarily guarantee significant problems in later life. Walsh (2004) suggests that their most significant finding is that resilience can be developed at any point over the course of the life cycle. Walsh extrapolates from Werner and Smith's research that ". . . unexpected events and new relationships can disrupt a negative chain and catalyze new growth" (p. 14). Favorable interactions with individuals, families and their environments have a systemic effect of moving resilience in upward spirals, and a downward spiral can be reversed at any time in life (Walsh, 2004).

Felsman and Vaillant (1987) followed the lives of 75 males living in impoverished, socially disadvantaged families. People who suffered from substance abuse, mental illness, crime and violence parented these men. Several of these men, although scarred by their childhoods, lived brave lives and became high functioning adults. Felsman and Vaillant concluded, "The events that go wrong in our lives do not forever damn us" (1987, p. 298).

Another study refuting the accuracy of the "damage model" is Kaufman and Zigler's (1987) finding that most survivors of childhood abuse do not go on to abuse their own children. Similarly, other research found that children of mentally ill parents or dysfunctional families have been able to prevail over early experiences of abuse or neglect to lead productive lives (Anthony, 1987; Cohler, 1987; Garmezy, 1987).

Werner (1995) identified clusters of protective factors that have emerged as recurrent themes in the lives of children who overcame great odds. The protective factors that were characteristic of the individual were myriad. Resilient youngsters are engaging to other people. Additionally, they excel in problem-solving skills and display effective communication skills. Problem solving skills included the ability to recruit substitute caregivers. Moreover, they have a talent or hobby valued by their elders or peers. Finally, they have faith that their own actions can make a positive difference in their lives.

From a developmental perspective, Werner (1995) emphasizes that having affectional ties that encourage trust, autonomy, and initiative enhances resilience. Members of the extended family or support systems in the community frequently provide these ties. These support systems reinforce and reward the competencies of resilient children and provide them with positive role models. Such supports may include caring neighbors, clergy, teachers, and peers.

In Vaillant's (2002) Study of Adult Development at Harvard University, arguably the longest longitudinal study on aging in the world, it is suggested that resiliency researchers who focus on risk factors and pathology are mistaken in believing that misfortune condemns disadvantaged children to bleak futures. Instead, Vaillant calls upon clinicians to count up the positive and the protective factors when conducting assessments. Vaillant cites Sir Michael Rutter (1985), who reminds clinicians, "The notion that adverse experiences lead to lasting damage to personality 'structure' has very little empirical support" (p. 598).

Vaillant (2002) identifies four protective factors in the individual's potential to age well. A future orientation, a capacity for gratitude and forgiveness, a capacity to love and to hold the other empathically, and the desire do things with people instead of to people are personal qualities identified as resiliency factors. He posits that ". . . marriage is not only important to healthy aging, it is often the cornerstone of adult resilience" (p. 291).

Furthermore, Vaillant (2002) describes resilience as being a combination of nature and nurture. Both genes and environment play crucial roles. He explains, "On one hand, our ability to feel safe enough to deploy adaptive defenses like humor and altruism is facilitated by our being among loving friends. On the other hand, our ability to appear so attractive to others that they will love us is very much dependent upon the genetic capacity that made some of us 'easy' attractive babies" (p. 285).

An essential part of resilience is ". . . the ability to find the loving and health-giving individuals within one's social matrix wherever they may be" (Vaillant, 2002, p. 286). Thus, like Werner and Smith (1992), Vaillant's research identified extended families and friendship networks as key foundations to resilience in the individual and the family system.

American culture glorifies the "rugged individual." John Wayne, the personification of masculinity and strength, has been adored by generations of Americans as a hero. However, there is an inherent danger in the myth of rugged individualism, which implies that vulnerability and emotional interdependence are weak and dysfunctional (Walsh, 2004). As Felsman and Vaillant (1987) note, "The term 'invulnerability' is antithetical to the human condition. . . In bearing witness to the resilient behavior of high-risk children everywhere, a truer effort would be to understand, in form and by degree, the shared human qualities at work" (p. 304). Avoidance of personal suffering and the glorification of stoicism are hallmarks of American culture. Such cultural attitudes are typified by the call to "move on," to "cheer up," to get over catastrophic events, to put national and global tragedies behind us, or to rebound (Walsh, 2004). Higgins (1994) notes that struggling well involves experiencing both suffering and courage, effectively processing and working through challenges from intrapersonal and interpersonal perspectives. In Higgin's study of resilient adults, it became clear that they became stronger because they were severely tested, endured suffering, and developed new strengths as a result of their trials. These adults experienced their lives more deeply and passionately. Walsh (2004) observes that over fifty per cent of the resilient individuals studied by Higgins were therapists. Egeland, B. R., Carlson, E. and Sroufe (1993) offer an alternative approach to thinking about resilience as ". . . a family of processes that scaffold successful adaptation in the context of adversity" (p. 517).

Important research conducted by Wolin and Wolin (1993) points toward the notion that although some children are born with innate resiliencies, resiliency can be modeled, taught, and increased. They emphasize that persons tend to seek healing from pain instead of holding on to bitterness. The researchers note that the resilient person draws lessons from experience instead of repeating mistakes, and that they maintain openness and spontaneity in their relationships rather than becoming rigid or bitter in interaction. Wolin and Wolin also found that resiliency in individuals is strongly correlated with humor and creativity, as well as mental and physical health. The Wolins identify seven traits of adults who survived a troubled childhood: insight (awareness of dysfunction), independence (distancing self from troubles), relationships (supportive connections with others), initiative (self/other-help actions), creativity (self-expression, transformation), humor (reframing in a less threatening way), and morality (justice and compassion rather than revenge). Traits are viewed as dynamic processes by which resilient individuals adapt to and grow through challenge, rather than static properties that automatically protect the invulnerable. These observations are correlated with empirical studies of resilient children (Baldwin, Baldwin, & Cole, 1990; Bernard, 1991; Garbarino, 1992; Masten, Best, & Garmezy, 1990; Werner & Smith, 1992) and adults (Klohnen, Vandewater, and Young, 1996, Vaillant, 2002).

Walsh (2004) asserts, "In the field of mental health, most clinical theory, training, practice, and research have been overwhelmingly deficit-focused, implicating the family in the cause or maintenance of nearly all problems in individual functioning. Under early psychoanalytic assumptions of destructive maternal bonds, the family came to be seen as a noxious influence. Even the early family systems formulations focused on dysfunctional family processes well in the mid-1980's" (p. 15).

The popularity of the Adult Children of Alcoholics Movement surged in the late twentieth century and encouraged people to blame their families for their problems. This movement tempted the individual to make excuses for his behavior in terms of his dysfunctional family history instead of looking for family strengths that might help him/her overcome challenge and become stronger. Adult Children of Alcoholics ". . . spend much of their time other-focused, and it is easy for them to become preoccupied with another group member's problem, take responsibility for it, and avoid the painful job of self-examination and taking responsibility for their own behavior" (Lawson & Lawson, 1998, p. 263).

In contrast to this damage model, the Wolins offered an alternative way to view challenging family backgrounds: a Challenge Model to build resilience, stating that ". . . the capacity for self-repair in adult children of alcoholics taught [them] that strength can emerge from adversity" (p. 15). The Wolins reflect a paradigm shift in recent years, as family systems therapists have started to focus upon a competence-based, strength-oriented approach (Barnard, 1994; Walsh, 1993, 1995a). A family resilience approach builds on recent research, empowering therapists to move away from deficit and focus upon ways that families can be challenged to grow stronger from adversity (Walsh, 2004). From the perspective of the Challenge Model, stressors can become potential springboards for increased competence, as long as the level of stress is not too high (Wolin & Wolin, 1993). Walsh notes, "The Chinese symbol for the word 'crisis' is a composite of two pictographs: the symbols for 'danger' and 'opportunity'" (p. 7). Wolin and Wolin (1993) observe that we may not wish for adversity, but the paradox of resilience is that our worst times can also become our best.

It is clear that the extensive research on resilient individuals largely points toward the social nature of resilience. However, most resiliency theory has approached the systemic context of resilience tangentially, in terms of the influence of a single, important person, such as a parent or caregiver (Bowlby, 1988). Looking at resilient family functioning through a systemic lens calls upon the clinician to view individual resilience as being embedded in family process and mutual influence (Walsh, 2004). Walsh suggests that if ". . . researchers and clinicians adopt a broader perspective beyond a dyadic bond and early relationships, [they] become aware that resilience is woven in a web of relationships and experiences over the course of the life cycle and across the generations" (p. 12).

It has only been in the last twenty five years or so that families that cope well under stress have been the subject of research (Stinnet & DeFrain, 1985; Stinnett, Knorr, DeFrain, & Rowe, 1981). A growing body of knowledge has pointed toward the multidimensional nature of family processes that distinguish adaptive family systems from maladaptive family systems (Walsh, 2004). Walsh (2004) defines "family resilience" as ". . . the coping and adaptational processes in the family as a functional unit," [and adds that]. . . a systems perspective enables us to understand how family processes mediate stress and enable families to surmount crisis and weather prolonged hardship" (p. 14). Strong families create a climate of optimism, resourcefulness, and nurturance which mirrors the traits of resilient individuals (Walsh, 2004). In fact, research on family adaptation and on family strengths suggests the following traits of resilient families: commitment, cohesion, adaptability, communication, spirituality, effective resource management, and coherence (Abbott, et al., 1990; Antonovsky, 1987; Beavers & Hampson, 1990; Moos & Moos, 1976; Olson, Russell, & Sprenkle, 1989; Reiss, 1981; Stinnett, et al., 1982). Walsh observes, ". . . a family resilience lens fundamentally alters our perspective by enabling us to recognize, affirm, and build upon family resources" (Walsh, 2004, p. viii). Rutter's (1987) research added further confirmation that resilience is fostered in family interactions through a chain of indirect influences that inoculate family members against long-term damage from stressful events. It is essential to consider family resilience as a major variable in a family's ability to cope and adapt in the face of stress (McCubbin, McCubbin, McCubbin, & Futrell, 1995).

Bennett, Wolin, and Reiss (1988) concluded from their research that children who grew up in alcoholic families that deliberately planned and executed family rituals, valued relationships, and preferred roles were less likely to exhibit behavior or emotional problems. They argue that families with serious problems, such as parental alcoholism, which can still impose control over those parts of family life that are central to the family's identity, communicate important messages to their children regarding their ability to take control of present and future life events. These messages can determine the extent to which the children are protected from developing future problems, including alcoholism in adolescence and adulthood.

Patterson (1983) asserts that it is only to the extent that stressors interrupt important family processes that children are impacted. However, from a systemic perspective, it is not only the child who is vulnerable or resilient; most salient is how the family system influences eventual adjustment (Walsh, 2004). Even those family members who are not directly touched by a crisis are profoundly affected by the family response, with reverberations for all other relationships (Bowen, 1978). Following from these ideas, it is clear that "Slings and arrows of misfortune strike us all, in varying ways and times over each family's life course. What distinguishes healthy families is not the absence of problems, but rather their coping and problem-solving abilities" (Walsh, 2004, p. 15).

From an ecological perspective, Rutter (1987) suggests that it is not enough to take into account the sphere of the family as influencing risk and resilience in the individual and family life cycles. He emphasizes that it is also incumbent upon therapists to assess the interplay between families and the political, social, economic, and social climates in which people either thrive or perish. Rutter's findings suggest that it is insufficient to focus exclusively on bolstering at-risk individuals and families, but there must also be public policy efforts to change the odds against them.

In the twenty first century, it is apparent that the configuration of the family is shifting. Diverse forms of family systems do not inherently damage children (Walsh, 2004). Walsh emphasizes, "It is not family form, but rather family processes, that matter most for healthy functioning and resilience" (p. 16).

One family process that governs how a family responds to a new situation is the way in which shared beliefs shape and reinforce communication patterns (Reiss, 1981). Hadley and his colleagues (1974) found that a disruptive transition or crisis could potentiate a major shift in the family belief system, with both immediate and long-term effects on reorganization and adaptation. Additionally, Carter and McGoldrick (1999) suggest that how a family perceives a stressful situation intersects with legacies of previous crises in the multigenerational system to influence the meaning the family makes of the adversity and its response to it.

Walsh (2004) asserts, "A cluster of two or more concurrent stresses complicates adaptation as family members struggle with competing demands, and emotions can easily spill over into conflict. . . . Over time, a pileup of stressors, losses, and dislocations can overwhelm a family's coping efforts, contributing to family strife, substance abuse, and emotional or behavioral symptoms of distress (often expressed by children in the family)" (p. 21). Figley (1989) noted that catastrophic events that occur suddenly and without warning can be particularly traumatic. Bowen (1978) suggested that shock wave effects of a trauma might reverberate through the system and extend forward into multiple generations. Thus, Walsh (2004) calls upon therapists to take a systemic approach to intervention in the face of crisis, with interventions that ". . . strengthen key interactional processes that foster healing, recovery, and resilience, enabling the family and its members to integrate the experience and move on with life" (p. 22).

To understand resilience, one must also look through a developmental lens (Carter & McGoldrick, 1999). Neugarten (1976) found that stressful life events are more apt to cause maladaptive functioning when they are unexpected. Also, multiple stressors create cumulative effects, and chronic severe conditions are more likely to affect functioning adversely. However, Cohler (1987) and Vaillant's (1995) research found that the role of early life experience in determining adult capacity to overcome adversity is less important than was previously believed. Thus, discontinuity and long-term perspectives on the individual and family life cycle point toward the idea that people are constantly "becoming" and have life courses that are flexible and multidetermined (Falicov, 1988). Furthermore, Walsh (2004) suggests that ". . . an adaptation that serves well at one point in development may later not be useful in meeting other challenges" (p. 13). Research has pointed toward a greater risk in vulnerability for boys in childhood and for girls in adolescence (Elder, Caspi, & Nguyen, 1985; Werner & Smith, 1982). All these variables highlight the dynamic nature of resilience over time.

In the field of family therapy, it is incumbent upon researchers and practitioners to recognize that successful treatment depends as much on the resources of the family as on the resources of the individual or the skills of the clinician (Karpel, 1986; Minuchin, 1992). Family processes can influence the aftermath of many traumatic events, reverberating into the course of the lives of people in future generations. Individual resilience must be understood and nurtured in the context of the family and vice-versa. Both immediate crisis and chronic stressors affect the entire family and all its members, posing threats not only to the individual, but also for relational conflict and family breakdown in current and future generations. Family processes may mediate the impact of crisis on all members and their relationships. Protective processes build resilience by promoting recovery and buffering stress. Indeed, healthy family processes influence the effects of present and future crises far into the future (Bowen, 1978; Kerr & Bowen, 1988). Since all families and their members have the potential to become more resilient, family therapists should work to maximize that potential by strengthening key processes within the individual and within the system.

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Dr. Barbara Cunningham, MFT


Blending families! Sounds simple-but is it?

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Mine Yours and Ours. Remember the old movie? It was a comedy. In real life, mine yours and ours is a very serious matter. Almost half of the marriages today involve kids. His kids, her kids or both.

When a new family is created by marriage the biological and the step parents

have many unanswered questions, many unattended to concerns, many fears and

the knowledge and preparedness to do all within their powers to ensure a

happy blended family where the kids know they belong and are loved and wanted.

How do we ensure that our family will indeed become blended?

You may start with the preparation for, and duties at the wedding.

Involve all the kids and get them as excited as you and your future spouse are.

At the wedding ceremony exchange family wedding vows.

Rather than vows only between bride and groom, family Wedding vows

include all family members. That is, the bride, the groom and the children.

Right after the vows exchange and after you exchange gifts,

welcome each child to the family with a special gift of jewelry.

This may follow by a FAMILY unity candle ceremony.

After the wedding, the most important thing is to put your marital relationship first

as your priority and to stand together regarding rules of the household

with all of your kids. In each of the following situations this may be

easier said than done.

Following are a few scenarios for you to consider.

All the kids live with you,


Your kids live with you while your spouse's kids only visit,


Your spouse's kids live with you while your kids only visit, or


you have split custody with the other biological parents,


The other biological parent(s) is/are single


The other biological parent(s) is/are married.

In the latter, most severe situation, your kids would have up to 6 adults

with different ideas regarding child rearing and discipline, telling them what to do.

Potentially, you'll have to deal with:

Their transitions to/from different households with different house rules?

If there was a divorce, the possibility that the "other parent" incites the kids against you and/or your spouse.


If there was death, kids' anger at the parent who "left them" and anger at "that Person" who "tries to take the place of / replace" the diseased parent.


Being unable or unwilling to compete with the "other parent" for affection, by lavishing the kids with gifts and "whatever they want" and "whatever they do is ok".

Kids do not need things, to know they are loved and wanted.

Kids need a stable nurturing home where both parents work together

as a parenting team and support each other's decisions especially regarding

home rules, traditions and rituals.

The main issue for your family is to have both of you establish your household rules,

traditions and rituals. Do so together and in agreement and include the kids, especially older kids

in forming them.

Have a family meeting or a kitchen table discussion about what members of the family

would like to do on a regular basis. You might be surprised what ideas come up.

If reasonable, try these suggestions. Allowing kids to contribute will make it easier

to enforce these household rules, traditions and rituals without the danger of being seen by the kids as demanding, tough or unreasonable.

Don't let your rules, traditions and rituals waiver, stand together and

support each other in implementing them. However, remember that as

children get older and situations change, rituals and traditions may need

to be adjusted.

When actual discipline is needed it should first come from the child's own parent

and not from the stepparent, though the stepparent needs to back up their spouse,

thus establishing for the children a parental and family cohesiveness.

Your children need to see and experience the strength of your marital relationship,

your commitment to each other and to them, and the strength and stability of your family.

They need to regain the security of being loved and wanted.

Security they lost when their biological parents divorced or in a case of

a parent's death when that parent "left them".

When you re-marry you have high hopes and often see everything

through rose-colored glasses.

The truth is that your second marriage especially when either one or both of you

have children, is much more challenging than the first.

As a new family, you go through phases.

At first, you will experience "the honeymoon phase".

This is when everyone is on their best behavior, excited, happy, giddy,

maybe even showing off for one another.

Then comes the second phase, the "honeymoon is over phase". This is when reality sets in and members of the blended family begin to realize

that they don't like something about this one or are jealous of that one or are

uncomfortable with... and on and on.

Be prepared for the "honeymoon is over" phase and expect hurt feelings,

acting out behaviors, tears, and anger.

Now, you are in a stepfamily, struggling for some sense of family identity. Don't despair.

It is a normal progression when two families blend into one.

Realize that it takes time, patience, understanding, respect and a lot of love to instill

a family cohesiveness and bring up self-assured, secure children.

Give the kids all you have got. Make it a priority to always be involved

in every aspect of the child's life and be there for him or her.

If the children are of school age, inquire about their day and help them with their

schoolwork whenever it is needed. Better yet, encourage older children to help

the younger ones with homework.

If you can spare the time volunteer to help in the kids classes and always make time

to be there for school, sports, and other activities the kids participate in.

Your involvement and the involvement of all kids in their siblings' life will eventually

bring bonding and closeness. The results will be rewarding

and you'll soon forget the difficult times.

It is very important that you let the children know right from the start that respect

for both parents and all siblings is paramount. Yet, you must accept the fact that you

may or may not be able to develop a parental bond with your stepchildren.

Let your relationship progress naturally. Do not force a parental relationship on them.

Do all within your power to earn their respect.

Having achieved this, you start your family blending on the right foot.

As you strive for a united family, set scheduled time for family togetherness.

Whether you call it family night, family meeting, family chat, be sure that

everyone is present and that everyone shares their experiences, and what

is going on in their life inside and outside the home.

Let everyone talk about what is on his or her minds and how they feel, without being judged or reprimanded.

Keep it real simple and age appropriate but do establish open communications and let

the kids know how you feel as well. Reassure the children, that this is what a family is

and that in your family everyone does things for the others. Let them know that they are loved

and that you care for them. Instill in them the realization that all you want is for them to grow up

in a happy home and feel good about themselves and their family. Before long, the kids will look forward to this time together, as it becomes part of your

established blended family ritual.

As important as family time is, make it clear that any child can come to you on a one on one

whenever they feel the need or want to discuss or tell things in private.

Bear in mind that children have a past. They also have feelings.

If these feelings are stifled, children may feel that they are being forced into

a "new" family to replace their "old" family. This in turn will bring forth resentment, anger, frustration and hurt. Therefore,

it is important that the children understand that they are allowed to hang onto the memories

of their previous family, remember them with joy, feel happy about those times that came before

or sad that they are no more, and know that it is "OK" to recall, remember and even

share them aloud with each other.

Through this sharing, and as they get older, they will begin to understand

and realize that in the "new " family they are building new relationships and

creating new memories, not replacing those they already have.

Let each child, if age and ability appropriate, an opportunity to contribute to the family.

Give each child tasks and responsibilities. They may resent it at the

moment but thank you as they reach adulthood.

So far all seems too serious. It is! But family life is not all seriousness!

Make time for fun, and do so often.

Children need individual attention. Give each child your undivided attention as individuals.

Just you and that child. Get to know each child yours and your spouse's.

Give each child opportunities to get to know you.

With all that, do no ignore each other. It is just as important, that you make sure

you set aside time for each other, to foster your love and marital relationship.








Nily Glaser, the CEO of A-wedding Day at: http://www.a-weddingday.com is a retired school principal. Her vast experience with every possible family situation and her concern for children, helped her become an expert. Not only does she write important articles, Nily Glaser has presented workshops for educators and for wedding professionals all over the USA. Nily Glaser pays special attention to enlighten educators, families and wedding professionals. Her web site is a very popular Wedding Resource and Information Center, and a discount shopping mall for wedding gifts, supplies and bridal accessories including the exclusive Wedding Accessories By Nily. To read more of her articles click here.


Thursday, October 14, 2010

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The family Business and conflicts


What is a family Business?

A family business is, in principle, all the companies in which the majority of ownership or control is within a family.Involvement of family members of a business may have its own complexity, because the boundary between the business system is sometimes separated by a thin line from the family system, These 2 positions overlap, sometimes causing all kinds of conflicts.

Families means emotions with includes relationships that carries loyalties and natural love a business system is unemotional and coolly designed to extract the maximum profit from the company.

Styles that are necessary in a family situation may not always fit the business situation; Membership in a family is born membership in a company should, through investment and results.

Families deal with family issues in a particular way in which the head of the family to take a decision either alone or in consultation with another leading member in the family; however, activities have their own systems and methods of communication, as well as the styles include resolution of conflicts and complete decision.



The conflict between Business Systems and family systems

Conflicts arise in the family business in the roles of a system of infringing other roles, and because each Member of the family is in fact part of a dual system problems occur; the overlap of these two systems become really obvious when there are conflicts of interest that occur between family members and activities.

Most families consider the concerns of the utmost importance in all cases but a conservative business owner will ensure that the family concerns and business concern is properly balanced to achieve the highest satisfaction both systems and people involved.

The emotional bonds in family tend too often to the shortcut processes designed to ensure the security of your business and to maximize their success.

For example, family members are in power positions where they have no experience or knowledge simply because they are members of the family.If they came through normal interview and selection, they would not get this position.




This is clearly a case where the family considerations violate normal standards for how business should be run in order to achieve maximum profitability.





Problems in the Family Business



A company is hard enough to handle at the best of times.

A family company with its own issues and problems, and these must be clear before it can participate in a family business, regardless of whether the person is a part of the family or third parties.
A family business is subject to the same problems that beset all other companies except they usually takes an extra one or two, simply because family members are involved.

Some of the questions that most companies have to face includes the following:





Leadership. Who is the leader in the company that makes the final decision and how it will look for companies that move to the next generation.Family harmonyWhat needs to be done to ensure that there is harmony in the family.Successor.Who will be selected to manage and run the family business in the current Chief retires or dies?Any member of his family who are given the responsibility to manage the family business must ensure that sound business and management practices are carried out.Commitment.Who should participate in the family business, and under what conditions?Passes over the Business;What needs to be done to permit the contractor can pass across the business to the next family member?Non-family persons.How are non-family managers and business leaders are attracted and retained and what powers they have to take decisions which may go against the wishes of family members in the activities.Compensation.Should the family members are paid for the work that they are not qualified in? And their salaries should be on the same level that are not members of the family members with greater expertise and knowledge in a particular area?Protecting finances.Many caregivers consider it as their own personal banking and as a place where they can do what they wish; Family care "head" must take a decision, but he will be unpopular with family members, to ensure that the progress and financial health activities.

All the above issues must be assessed in a family situation, since the possibilities for business conflict and family stress can be very high, Way to diffuse the conflict and avoid stress means to identify the queries that cause conflicts and stress and then discuss these issues with all interested members of the family.









Copyright 2005 StartRunGrow
http://www.startrungrow.com

StartRunGrow (http://www.startrungrow.com) is a global online information organization that specializes in Creating, developing and marketing enterprise help information specifically for the purpose of "doing business" for entrepreneurs around the world; StartRunGrow objective is to become a dominant player in the enterprise using arena provides comprehensive solutions for the millions of small and medium-sized enterprises throughout the world who continue to struggle every day with the difficulties of starting, running and growing a successful company.


The key that opens the door to extraordinary families


We have started a new game in our home. Every night at the dinner table we each take is another family member about himself. "So, Rick, how do you know if your interview on Monday?" "MOM, what you want for Christmas?" Sounds like just a normal conversation, right? Well, there is a purpose to our games. We have two introverted boys struggling with social skills. This game was created to better teach them how to communicate and take an interest in other people's lives. As adults, we are all needed to start a conversation with another person or communicate our concern for the important people in our lives.

What is this new game we play called? There are no formal name, but this game is a family of ritual and family rituals will help you to create extraordinary families. Webster's Dictionary is a ritual in "no formal, customary or ceremonial observance, practice or procedure". Family rituals that define that your family is. Each family has a different way of doing things and your children will identify certain rituals that special, and they will start to differ from other families. Family rituals provides comfort and safety. Think of the children who follows the same ritual every night before bed. MOM or Dad help her get ready for bed.They have read 3 books, talk about their day and the evening with bedtime prayers. Child will expect this routine every night and this very ritual is what gives the confidence needed between parent and child.

Family rituals based family bonds. My two boys have a special handshake, they engage in to show their love for each other. It is too complicated for parents, so we do not even try to learn it. You can count on family rituals to generate lots of wonderful family memories. I clearly remember, as a child, go every Sunday to donut shop with my parents. We would be able to pick up our monks and then Park in the parking lot somewhere.I would sit in the living eat my Ring while my parents read newspapers in the front seat.Now, it may seem a strange ritual, but even today, as an adult, with a ring on Sundays gives back special memories, Family rituals can finally be used to teach values and practical skills, without even knowing it, is a family game night teaching your child to be patience, collaboration, and good SPORTSMANSHIP.

There are five major objectives for family rituals:

1. Family rituals used to celebrate something. Rituals at weekends is probably the most popular type of ritual. Most families have a certain ritual they go through helping them to celebrate Christmas, birthday, Thanksgiving, Cinco de Mayo and other special dates. But how do you celebrate the first day of spring, the last day of school, Golden birthdays or report card day? The possibilities are endless.

2. Family rituals can be used to smooth the transitions and change; when it was time for my younger son to give up his Pacifier, we introduced "Paci Fairy". We hear him Paci Fairy will come at night to get all their Pacifiers and leave him a special toy. My son never asked for their Pacifiers after that night. We all go through changes in life, and family rituals can make these times of change, exciting and normal. Consider introducing rituals for potty training, new born, 1st period for girls, 1st shave for boys, new drivers and graduations in intensity and hue.

3. Another objective for family rituals is to solve a problem. There is always the family's problems to be resolved. Family weekly meetings are a great way to tackle these problems. Consider having the burden of rituals to expand family cooperation.I know the families that will go through a ridiculous ritual when their child with a temper tantrum.

4. Family rituals should be used to help the family members connect with each other. Skin care and bedtime rituals are excellent ways to connect. Introducing family fun nights regularly generates proximity. My older son, and I have a special way, we say "I Love You".It is a hand signal we use that no one else understands. Connection in your family is essential to create an additional family.

5. Family rituals are great for teaching skills and values.A good way to introduce values in your home is to create a "Value of the Month" program.Decide what your 12 peak is for your family and assign a value to a month.For example, February is a good time to teach the value of love, and november is perfect for thankfulness and appreciation.Introduce special rituals every month to teach these values.Read books, play games, make a family community projects, and watch videos that are associated with this value is a great way to reinforce what you want your children to learn.

Keep in mind the family rituals you already operate.The rituals would be a good idea to add your family to create happier and closer relationships?What problems in your family need to be addressed, and how can you add a ritual to help them? what changes or special day to celebrate in your family? I recommend you to get started, with a fixed ritual for the connection on a daily basis, you can create a modest weekly family ritual and work in a monthly family ritual. Celebrate at least one family ritual for great holidays and birthdays. remember, with the aim of creating family rituals is to equip your child with the skills and values that you want to use them to learn, large family relationships and wonderful memories.








Lori Radun, CEC certified life coach for VAT. Lori is the author of The Energy Equation eCourse, Express Yourself!, and The Self Esteem series; receive her free newsletters and special report 155 Things Moms can do to increase the Great Children, visit her at http://www.true2youlifecoaching.com.


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The African American contributions to the family Reunion planning


It seems too late to many families that are rarely seen, together as one big fat family gives it serious thought. So who's behind the growing feeling to celebrate marriages, igniting family reunion fire? It is an African American sensation that WINS speed such that other cultures fall in line, or other factors causing large family reunion movement? Can examine the hype vs. facts.

A factor leading to family reunification movement orginates in African American families are a considerable number of media blitz centered around African American family reunion celebration.

A recent blockbuster movie called Madeas family Reunion centered on social issues affecting the African American family in need of the strength and support only possible from a unification of four generations of the family; If any film ignited controversy about relationships and how to deal with quality strained marital relationships and young disciplinary matters.Still Tyler Perry film, with the world's famous award-winning actress Cicely Tyson and Beatles member. /poet and writer Maya Angelou and ever-popular Blair Underwood, is now in the main stream of American entertainment and with that the issues related to family life and family reunion events.

The hype Factor: The Media seems to crank out more top 10 hits on the basis of family Reunions of black artists than others.Among the more popular songs for family reunification is announced on the following:

Ojays "Family Reunion".Al Green's "Love and happiness", Sly & The Family Stone "it is a family affair", "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge reached # 2 in 1979, Lionel Richie's latest award winning album "Coming Home" with 75 000 copies sold in its first week out, And then there is the point of the line dance remixes by black artists.

Apart from the factor hype celebrated around the family Reunions African Americans in the entertainment world over the past 30 years, there are other significant underlying reasons that what igniting fire to celebrate the family ties.

Fact: there is a long family tradition goes back to the early 18th century, and then including family quilt making, family song and dance themes that were migrated to the American culture together with the people who raised it; these include Russians, Jews, Africans, Indians and other of Scottish and Irish decent.

Fact: not only is the family reunification of a popular theme among black artists, family unity has been an ongoing topic of popular Western country music because it is the beginning of the music market. Family celebration themes can be found in the music of most American cultures.

There is a growing sensation sparking family reunion celebration with various themes, from traditional Homestead celebration to genealogy tours; one of the factors contributing to this is the ability to research not such roots genealogy tools in many places online.The Internet quite teaming with last name search search engines, Archive and Library help beginners/amateurs and Professional Genealogists dig deeper than ever to find buried historical treasures previously untapped.

Many foreign and civil governments software has become more cooperation when it comes to helping groups and individuals to find long missing family members. Council directive on the right to family reunification, which is designed to provide support to families separated by the Government and the social limits.Family reunion immigration program has made a significant contribution to Sparks family reunion celebration of late.

Adoption agencies have begun to work closely with Adoption Search agencies to reunite long missing siblings and parents with children; such trade unions often trigger a desire to go the whole scale and bring Grands, aunts, uncles and cousins. The strong emotions behind joining the missing family members often ignite a strong desire to celebrate family unity that can last for generations.

These factors indicate that genealogy, Government and foreign policy more strongly affect family reunion feeling day? Not necessarily.Training together with large social events must also be taken into account. Note is family Reunion at Temple University in Philadelphia, the only institution of its kind in the country which is intended to serve as a resource for families to plan Reunions and helps keep the reunification of the tradition alive.

At the social level of the annual Tom Joyner family Reunion sponsored by none other than Uncle Ben's is dedicated to awareness of the family; A recent city-wide family reunion feast led Philadelphia Mayor w. Wilson Goode proclaiming it "the black family Reunion Day" among the estimated 200 000 people took part.

It is the annual Ebony Black family Reunion Tour inspire black families to come together, "says Taylor is President of Nichole. other major events include the annual African American Family Reunion and Cultural Festival and the 19th Annual Midwest regional Black family Reunion Celebration in Cincinnati, OH.

There is also the growing offers special family reunion tours, travel and cruise packages Genealogy top travel and hospitality organizations which hold the light burning.

That said, it must be recognised that African American institutions, together with other social, Government, and foreign programs have made significant contributions to the popularity of traditional and not so traditional family reunion celebration today; These combined contribution has had an impact on social events and caused a stir seemingly for better so interests in family Reunions are charged and growing.

"The tradition of combining family to publicly celebrate the births, deaths, memorialize tell legends, social and family contributions are marked on the mind, heart and soul of many societies both predominantly black and otherwise all over the world." said Mark Askew, founder of the family Reunion Planner resource at http://family-reunion-planner.fimark.net.

For families of different ethnic persuasions are unites generations of family members of a universal family tradition that has been alive and well, then where oral and written family history began. What we learn from an African American family reunion tradition is still need to keep the fires burning, drawing strength, support and build strong family feelings that refine the skills of family unity for generations to come.

If you are going to have is a family reunion, many software and book titles that can guide you through the process of planning, organizing and throws a memorable family reunion.








Mark a. Askew, pin name Marcus Angelo, is founder of fimark.net, an event planning resource with the award-winning Fimark family Reunion Planner, a family reunion planning organiser for reunion planners who want to implement a time and money you save structured approach to planning and executing a successful family reunion website at; http://family-reunion-planner.fimark.net offers award-winning reunion planning software, tips, tools and free reunion stuff giveaways.


Franchise a Family Business


A large family can supply needed employees

A franchise that has many employees who work in the different SHIFT is like a big family could run pretty good members of the family are so inclined. The family must, however, get along with each other, because they will spend more time together if they cooperate in activities.Sibling rivalry can be even more pronounced when the family members need to spend more time together; If the family is well together then be franchise idea are a great way for companies to solve the needs of employees.

Another concern with family members to work in your business is also the most harmonic families can be a bit tense when they spend their working time together; although one of them is responsible when the owner is not present, this must be explained and made it clear that there can only be a Manager driving a SHIFT.

A natural choice for Deputy Chief

If one of the members of the family are older and a natural leader of comrades, then this person could be the Deputy head or SHIFT supervisor; This has two advantages that allow baby learn activities by running a part of it and is responsible for what happens when they are responsible.Some families have purchased a franchise in order to provide a family member to have a job. In some cases, it works, and in some cases, it is a disaster in the making; it is about the family member is able to handle the job.

These companies bring in outside managers and supervisors and other family-owned companies deliberately decide early to allow children to learn from people outside the family. Smart help who are not related to create a favorable situation for the younger family members to learn from. removal of inside the family authority can pave the way for a better learning scenario.

Each situation must be assessed on its own merits and handled carefully. Other employees may be affected if an incompetent family member in charge. This is a serious dilemma when good employees. They will recognize the new head and may leave when they become sufficiently miserable. Losing good employees over a bad decision as this can damage the company in the long term.

Advantages to paying members of the family

When you give to a family member money from your pocket, can not you deduct these money as a business expense. If you pay them to work in the company, may this be just like any other employee expense. The advantage that the owner is allowed to use pre-tax dollars to pay for the family member. When it comes out of your pocket and is not a pay cheque, is this money after tax money on behalf of the owner. This tax advantage can be significant when larger sums money is involved. This is a great way to get money in the hands of a son or daughter without paying taxes on it yourself.

With the help of the family of the franchise as a training tool

A franchise that has family in Central spots are a great way to learn to run a business; This is true from both the positive aspects of negative aspects.Family franchise can teach in real time all the elements in order to run a business. First of all, learn how to manage all types of customers. It teaches how to manage employees and supervisors. Details such as tax decision can be explained that consequences. Staying on a budget and manage vendors can be brought home to the family member-owners are trying to educate the importance of good advertising by means of radio, TELEVISION and newspapers can be detected in everyday situations and not as a textbook example. All the things that an owner has to worry about when you run a successful business can be demonstrated that the family member in great detail. This real-time learning experience can have a positive influence in the life of a family member.If they stay in business, decision likely to be better, and if they go out on their own, they have a better idea what to do and what not to do.

Manage the day-to-day business decisions in real life is more likely to fall than ideas to read in a book, to be able to see the result provides home the correctness of the decision. If it works, why?, and if that doesn't work, why?, an analysis of the results can be illuminating to students.

To turn on activity

With a son or daughter of the establishment which solves a problem that may come in the future.Who will buy activities when the owner decides to sell?If the son or daughter likes the activities and momentum when the owner wants to retire, is a natural progression already in place.Son or daughter should be able to continue the success the owner had and not to learn a new company.They already know what to do and what to do.This built-in buyer helps in many ways that planning for the long term and changes for growth.

To make your business more successful makes sense when the son or daughter will be the beneficiary. to keep it in the family is a real incentive for most of the owners.

Conclusions

A franchise operated by family has many beneficial and some negative.The employee, the problem is not restricted if there is help from family, Management can be a family allowance or it can be kept outside of the family and is used only to teach family members and pursuit of the company; most franchises that have the family work in them GRAVITATE towards with family in positions of power and decision-making; it must be clear that a family member who is in charge is the Director and the other members are working for this head must do as I say, This person must be listened to like every other Director will be listened too. Owner must do this to prevent normal family in fire-fighting occurs. Siblings jealousy and disrespect should not happen in businesses where it is found, it must be stopped; Business comes first and all family members must be willing to acknowledge this fact.

A family can run a franchise agreement with great success on the head of the family establishes rules at the beginning and make sure that they are complied with; the benefits are many and negative can be handled when honestly faced.








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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Expanded Family Life Cycle: Individual, Family, and Social Perspectives (4th Edition)

The Expanded Family Life Cycle: Individual, Family, and Social Perspectives (4th Edition)

Now featured in a Classics Edition with a new Foreword by Donald Boch, The Expanded Family Life Cycle integrates theory and current research with clinical guidelines and cases by two of the most-respected authors, teachers, and clinicians in the field of family therapy, Betty Carter and Monica McGoldrick.

 

This classic Family Therapy text provides “and more comprehensive way to think about human development and the life cycle,” reflecting changes in society away from orientation toward the nuclear family, toward a more diverse and inclusive definition of “family.”

 

This expanded view of the family includes the impact of issues at multiple levels of the human system: the individual, family households, the extended family, the community, the cultural group, and the larger society. The text features a ground-breaking integration of individual male and female development in systemic context; our increasing racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity; the emergence of men's movements and issues; the growing visibility of lesbian and gay families; and the neglected area of social class.

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Families in Pakistan


For some families, a flight from Pakistan to a location on the Western hemisphere may seem a flight to another world. It would indeed be the case if a tight-knit Pakistani family was to travel to THE UNITED STATES or Canada.

In the West tend to members of the family are categorized.Some family members fall under the term "immediate family", "others fall under the heading" extended family. "For families in Pakistan obliterates the degree of all family members need such categorization.

In Pakistan, determines the degree of all family members of the family approach to ever opportunity; Pakistani children, while older children, do not hesitate to follow with their parents in public. Many Pakistani children share their home with one or two pairs of grandparents.

When a child growing up in such a tight-knit family, he or she learns to appreciate all the members of any family. If such child immigrates to the United States, then his or her spouse a wonderful surprise. An adult should be familiar with tight-knit family will quickly offer condolences to the family who experiences the loss of a loved one.

Of families in Pakistan, one can find many different types of what has become known as a "common family". As mentioned, contains a common family invariably one or more grandparents.A common family can also contain an aunt, an uncle and even some cousins. In a common family would they all live under one roof.

Each Member of a Pakistani family have respect for the elderly family members. At the same time fails families in Pakistan will never look at children in the family as "gifts from God."Parents are responsible for educating children in the family, the basic conviction family selected freedom of religion.

Islam is the religion practiced by most families in Pakistan.Special occasions such as weddings, carried out according to Muslim tradition, Many marriages are planned marriage.The father of a daughter decides that she will marry.His words must go unquestioned.

While dad control scheduling for weddings, attend all family members in the preparations that wedding.They contribute to preparing the bride, obtaining the necessary deorationsand to prepare food for the guests. date of the wedding gather members of the family management of marriage contract, Pakistanis calls "mikah."

A second ceremony in Pakistani Home called "aqeeqa" ceremony; during this ceremony collecting family members for a feast. The witness circumcision of a new male babies. value of ceremony underlines the ephasis as families in Pakistan on their male children.

A female child is expected to grow into the role of a mother with her life decisions are driven by men; Women in Pakistan, of course, is to find more and more reasons to go through life in a way that refuses to accept the restrictions proposed by male family members.

Measures for women in today's Pakistan could very well be able to re-shape nature of family life in Pakistan.








For further reading, please visit Asian women Magazine


Monday, October 11, 2010

Ashithas report about alcoholism affects families

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Alcoholism of often termed the family illness, referring to the tremendous impact an active alcoholic has on those around him. There is no way the family members can escape or ignore the alcoholic. The majority of the alcoholic impairments are behavioural. So in the day-to-day interactions of family life, the family members are confronted with alcoholic behaviour. The family is, confused, be wildered, angry and afraid. They act accordingly. Their responses characteristically are as impaired as the alcoholic's.

Certainly no family member ever caused alcoholism. Yet the family may, despites its best intentions, behave in a way that allows the alcoholic to continue drinking. They may protect the alcoholic, make excuses, buy into the alibis, cover up. They might call the employer, pretending the alcoholic is sick. The alcoholic's actions are bound to increase the family's anxiety level.

JACKSON'S STAGES

Jackson describes the stages that occur as a family comes to grips with an alcoholic in its midst. Her stages were initially intended to describe the family in which the husband and father is the alcoholic.

Denial:- Early in the development of alcoholism, occasional episodes of excessive drinking are explained away both marriage partners. Drinking because of drunkenness worry, nervousness, or a had day is not unbelievable the assumption is that the episode is an isolated instance and therefore no problem.

Attempts to eliminate the problem:- Here the spouse recognizes that the drinking is not normal and tries to make sure the alcoholic to quit, be more careful, or cut down. Simultaneously, the spouse tries to hide the problem from the outside and keep up a good front. Children in the family may well start having start having problems in response to the family stress.

Disorganization and chaos:- The family equilibrium has now broken down. The spouse can no longer pretend everything is okay and spends most of the time going crisis to crisis. Financial troubles are common. Under real stress, possibly questioning his or her own sanity, the spouse is likely to seek outside help.

Reorganization in spite of the problem:- The spouse's coping abilities have strengthened. He or she gradually assumes the larger share of responsibility for the family unit. This may mean getting a job or taking over the finances. The major focus of energy is no longer directed toward getting the alcoholic partner to shape up. Instead, the spouse takes charge and fosters family life, despite the alcoholism.

Efforts to escape:- Separation or divorce may be attempted: lithe family unit remains intact, the family continues living around the alcoholic.

Family reorganization:- In the case of separation, family reorganization occurs without the alcoholic member. If the alcoholic achieves sobriety, a reconciliation may take place. Either path will require both partners to realign roles and make new adjustments.

ADDICTION, A FAMILY DISEASE

Addition is a 'family disease' that affects not only the addicted individual, but also his family members.

As addiction gets worse day by day, the family is compelled to face several unmanageable problems. Unable to cope with these problems, the family constantly lives under severe tensions and pressure. This results in the family members becoming desperate, angry, frustrated, nervous, afraid and guilty. In many ways they start behaving like the addict, even though they do not take alcohol.

Responses of the family members

Stage 1

a) Denying the problems:- Initially the family members deny or minimize the problems related to his drinking.

b) Justifying his drinking:- The family members give reasons for his drinking.

c) Making changes:- In an attempt to stop his drinking. The family members often believe that they are responsible for the alcoholic's drinking. They try to solve the problems at home and establish a pleasant atmosphere hoping that he will then give up drinking. The wife goes all out to please the alcoholic-pays his debts to relieve him of his financial burdens.

Stage 2

d) Withdrawing from society:- In spite of their efforts the family members find that he continues to drink. They do not want anyone to know this fact. Thus they become less social and keep away from their relatives and friends. They do not invite anyone home. They feel lonely and at the same time, worthless.

e) Protecting the alcoholic from the consequences of his drinking:- They protect the alcoholic by, covering up the consequences arising out of his drinking thinking that they can make him give up alcohol.

f) Making attempts to control his drinking:- In the hope of getting him out of his problem. The wife may empty or break the bottles, request the alcoholic to drink on only at house and not outside. Tell him not to drink in the mornings. Extract promises from him that he will not drink when there are guests at home. Unable to achieve anything, the family members feel angry, let down, bitter. Initially the anger, and hatred are directed towards the alcoholic, gradually, the focus is lost and they get angry with everyone around.

Stage 3

g) Losing control over oneself:- The family members give up all attempts to control his drinking because they realize that these methods do not help. Thus they may decide to refrain from getting angry. But they are unable to control their emotions and shot at the alcoholic for drinking heavily, beat the children for minor mistakes committed by them, get anxious about the alcoholic when he does not come home till dark etc. Her own behaviour makes her wonder whether she is losing her sanity.

h) Fear of the future:- The family members are very worried and scared. For them, the future looks bleak. Tomorrow is a big question mark.

Stage 4

i) Trying to reorganize the household:- They have absolutely no control over the alcoholic and the family members are not able to relay on him for anything. Their she takes up the complete responsibility of running the family and the alcoholic is only looked upon as a defiant angry child.

Stage 5

j) Breaking away from the alcoholic:- As the disease of alcoholism worsens the wife believers that she can lead a life independent of the alcoholic. She is -also worried that if left alone, he may ruin himself. These lead too lots of conflicts in her mind, feeling disgusted, she may leave him for a short period of time but, she normally comes back.

Stage 6

k) Allowing the alcoholic to face a crisis:- The wife stops taking any responsibility for the consequences of the alcoholic behaviour.

Emotional responses of the family members

1) Guilt - Our culture impels that if a person drinks too much, his parents or wife is to be blamed. This attitude of society often leads to self-blame and it produces more guilt and shame. This prevents both: he alcoholic and the family members from developing self-awareness which can lead to a positive change.

2) Grief - It is the result of all sorts of losses-loss of prestige, personal dignity, care, understanding and love, friends, finances-loss in each and every area of their life. They do not share their feelings of grief with anyone, they suffer alone.

3) Anger - When no one cares to listen to them the family members experiences anger and deep sadness. Their utter helplessness makes them angry. They are angry with themselves.

4) Hurt - If the anger is suppressed and not let out, it results in frustration, resentment and hurt feelings and anxiety.

5) Shame - The in appropriate behaviour of the alcoholic in front of relatives and friends makes the family embarrassed. Shame produce slow self worth in each members of the family leading to social isolation.

6) Fear - Living in a problematic distressed family, produces fear-fear of the future, fear of family life, fear of financial matters, fear or helps, fear of arguments, fear their physical well-being. There feelings of fear are a result of the internalized emotional stress that each and every family members experiences.

7) Loneliness - The stressful situation in the alcoholic's family results in the breakdown of normal family communications. Love, Care and Concern are lost in the stress, anxiety and crisis experienced. The isolation created by lack of communication always leads to bitter loneliness.

The children of alcoholics learn three unwritten laws or self imposed commands. They are 'don't talk, don't trust, don't feel'. They may play one or more roles within family. ie, responsible child, adjusting child, placating child, rebellious child.

Though they are harmful to our family relations, being related, we have the moral right to love, care, and help them to come out of it. For that psychological efforts have to be promoted. As the medical science has developed more in this century, the addition could be cured by root.

The effects on the children of alcoholics

Lack of role model, lying, loss of self esteem, fear, depression and suicidal idea.

The children Learn Three Unwritten Laws or self imposed commands

Don't Talk, Don't Trust, don't Feel and play one or more roles within the family:

Responsible child

Adjusting child

Placating child

Rebellious child

Alcoholic family reactivity patterns

The functional family system

(The family with an Alcoholic member)

The neurotic enmeshed family system

(The Alcoholic Family)

The disintegrated family system

(Family separation & isolation)

The absent family system

(The long term isolated alcoholic)

A GUIDE FOR THE FAMILY OF THE ALCOHOLIC

The family's best defense against the emotional impact of alcoholism is gaining know, ledge and achieving the emotional maturity and courage needed to put in into effect.

Individuals who may be capable of assisting alcoholics outside the family may become confused, destructive persons if a member of their own family becomes an active alcoholic. This is especially true if the drinking alcoholic is the husband, or wife.

The "next of kin" or 'person most responsible for the alcoholic may need more assistance and counselling than the alcoholic if an effective recovery program is to be launched. Alcoholism is an illness, but one which has tremendous emotional impact upon the immediate family. Those most affected by the alcoholic are the spouse, parent, sister, brother and child. The more distorted the emotions of these persons become the less adequate their help will be. The interaction may and often does become destructive rather than helpful.

For example wives may find themselves blamed for everything that is wrong is an alcoholic marriage. This may reach the point where they may fear this is true. Yet alcoholism is an illness. The wife is no more responsible for alcoholism than she would be for the existence of diabetes or tuberculosis in her husband. Now wife ever made her husband an alcoholic, there fore no wife can be held responsible for his recovery. However, by lack of knowledge she may allow the illness to go unnoticed. By lack of adequate understanding and courage she may acquiesce in the development of the disease. For the existence of alcoholism the wife is not responsible, but she can abet the husband avoiding treatment, or takes steps which may lead to earlier recovery though this cannot be absolutely assured.

This same principle holds true for all members of the family, especially the one person upon whom the alcoholic ultimately depends. This primary person in the alcoholic's life cannot "treat" the illness. No doctor should treat his own serious illness, and few will ever act as physician for a member of their immediate family, especially spouse, parent or child. As alcoholism progresses relatives become involved emotionally.

THE ALCOHOLIC'S WEAPONS

Anger

The first weapon is ability to arose anger or provoke loss of temper. If the family member or friend becomes angry and hostile this person has been completely destroyed in so far as ability to help the alcoholic is concerned. Consciously or unconsciously the alcoholic is projecting an image of self-hatred against the other person. If it is met by angry, hostile attacks it is thereby verified and the alcoholic's own mind justifies the former drinking and also now has an additional excuse to drink in the future.

Anxiety

The second weapon of the alcoholic is the ability to arouse anxiety on the part of the family. Thereby they are compelled to do for the alcoholic that which can be done only by the alcoholic if the illness is to be arrested and recovery initiated.

The alcoholic cannot undo what others have already undone. This in reality increases the alcoholic's sense of failure and guilt and increases the family's sense of hostility and condemnation if the alcoholic. Thereby the alcoholic is doubly injured. The criticism, scolding and moralizing add to the alcoholic's guilt and resentment against self and family.

Alcoholics are propelled along the progress of the disease when the family is unable to cope with anxiety aroused by the alcoholic. This is in effect part of the illness. Neither the alcoholic nor his family is able to face realty.

Love and compassion

One of the more serious failures in approaching the alcoholic is the inability to understand the meaning of love. The wife has no right to state, "if you loved me you would not drink".

Alcohol is an anesthetic. When the alcoholic drinks he anesthetizes his pain. This is the pleasure of alcohol escape. It is a problem-solving device to relieve unpleasantness, anxiety, tension and resentment. When the alcoholic drinks pain is avoided for the time being but pain, tension, anxiety and resentment are increased severely in the family. When the alcoholic drinks pain is avoided for the time being but pain, tension, anxiety and resentment are increased severely in the family. When the alcohokic sobers up there is little desire to suffer the consequences of drinking. Remorse and guilt now compel the - alcoholic to prostrate him self before the family, beggar mercy and promise that it will never happen again. Or the reverse side of the coin may appear, complete unwillingness to discuss what happened. Each attempts to gain the same goal, the avoidance of the consequences of drinking. If the alcoholic succeeds by either means his pain is again avoider or relieved but the family again pays the price of the consequences of drinking.

Love is Destroyed

Love cannot continue to exist in this type of action and interaction. The alcoholic uses alcohol to escape pain by drinking and learns, how to use the family to escape the pain of the consequences. The family suffers when the alcoholic drinks and then suffers the painful consequences also. If the family bears the brunt of the drinking and absorbs its consequences then compassion cannot exist Compassion is bearing with or suffering with a person, not suffering because of the unwillingness of the other person to suffer. If this condition is allowed to continue by the - family, love is gradually destroyed and replaced by fear, resentment and hatred. The only way love can be retained is by family members learning not to suffer when drinking is in progress and refusing to undo the consequences of drinking. Anything less than this is not compassion and only relationship without, justice and compassion is not love.

The traffic result is that alcoholism is thereby encouraged and fear and resentment take over human emotions. This is why family members, especially the next of kin of the alcoholic, need held if the disease is to be arrested and recovery initiated. Other wise the entire family becomes ill emotionally. This condition is but another symptom of the progress of the disease.

THE 'ROLE' OF PARENTS AND TEACHERS

The role of parents and teachers in preventing youth from getting into the drug - scene can best the filled by sympathetic understanding of what is going on in their minds in hearts. Even if the parents and teachers are to old to be interested in the new attractions, they must make themselves young enough in thought to share the feelings which these youth have received from the atmosphere around them, - blowing in from all over the world.

A word of warning: sometimes these pressures and desires also come to the parents and teachers tool'. More and more adults have problems which they don't want to admit, but which cause them to drink, or gamble, or play around in dangerous way, too. You need only count the increasing number of alcoholics and alcohol selling shops, or reflect on the new and important place and "source force" which helps more and more people to buy new land, build new homes, wear clothes they cannot afford, and generally try to impress their friends and relatives with items that are bigger and better.

Especially parents must be aware of how their grown - up children are developing in life. If their studies are weak, if they keep irregular hours and do not easily answer questions about their activity or friends; if they growth in, do not eat, oversleep and are secretive, it is a time for loving, sympathetic seeking to understand rather then harshly criticize. Talk with them about their plans for the future, their interests and how to go about achieving them. Let them share with you the impressions they get from their friends, and how they feel because of these things. Confide in them - the problems which you adults feel too with the strains of modern life in our land- locked, opportunity - locked country.

Common Features of the Family with an Addict Members

The addict is the symptom carrier of the family dysfunction.

The addict helps to maintain family homeostasis.

The addict reinforces the parental need to control and continue parenting, yet he finds such parenting inadequate for his needs.

The addict provides a displaced battlefield so that implicit and explicit parental strife can continue to be denied.

Parental drug, and alcohol above is common and is directly transmitted to the addict or results in - inadequate parenting.

The addict forms cross - generational alliances which separate parents from each other.

Generational boundaries are diffused - there is frequent competition between parents.

Frequently the crisis created by addict is the only was the family gets together and attempts some problem solving, or is the only opportunity for a "deed" family to experience emotions.








Ashitha P. Joy is MSW student in Assumption College, Changanachery, kerala, India.

Dr. Hari S.Chandran, M.Phil (Psy), Ph.D, PGDPC, C. Psych.(England) is working as Cons. Psychologist, Department of Deaddiction & Mental Health, St. Gregorios Mission Hospital, Parumala. Kerala,India. drhari7@hotmail.com