5 weeks, ALREADY?!

Wow, I can't believe Arwen is already 5 weeks old, time has really flown. I am typing this with her asleep in the baby carrier. She spends most of her time in someones arms and sleeps in with us at night. Some people have said ''oh, you don't want to get them used to being carried around and picked up when they cry'' my answer to that is that I would rather my newborn learnt that when she needs me that I am there as opposed to learning that she'll be ignored. People also ask if she is good. Is a newborn really good or bad? They have needs thats all and its up to us their parents to make sure they are met.

Mum stayed for just over a week, the kids loved it. I find it hard as she wants to talk all the time and I don't. I'm a solitary person and to be in anothers company all the time is hard. Okay so I have 4 kids but thats not the same and I still need my space.

For Halloween I invited some friends for dinner so the kids could dress up. For a couple of years halloween seemed to get more popular in France but this year nothing, no decorations or costumes in the shops, nothing. We decorated the house and painted the kids faces so they had fun.

I swam for the first time since before Arwen was born on Sunday. I managed a kilometre which is what I was doing before but it is easier to swim at the end of pregnancy than getting back into it a few weeks later! I have been for a couple of runs with Eben and can just about manage a run with a nearly 5 year old! I really want to get running again. Next October I plan to run a marathon, not give birth!

I am still drinking my nettles (occasionally) and have drunk carrot juice again this morning. I have even started some clover and mustard seed sprouts which is the first time since January. Yeh to getting back to raw!!!!!

PINK PINK PINK !

We are so delighted, we have a little girl. She is called Arwen Elenor and was born at home yesterday evening. Labour was short but hard, I still feel ecstatic now but am glad to have my family complete and not have to do that again. Birthing at home with just the family is so much nicer than being in a hospital. Its hard work for Griff though running round after us being parent, cook, midwife, cleaner etc. The children are delighted with the baby, Gwilym is a little unsure which is to be expected so everyone is paying him that little extra bit of attention. We'd have been really pleased with a boy or a girl, but it being a girl really is the icing on the cake.

Here she is.

Swimming Flo

On Saturday night we went to a party at Griffs swimming club, there were to be games and races for the children and adults. The first race was for the kids, they had to do 2 lengths (of a 25 metre pool), starting by jumping or diving in, then swimming to a float and swimming underneath it, then more swimming and climbing out onto a float and walking across 2 others, then swimming some more then diving down through a metal cage, swimming to the end, climbing out and jumping back in to do it all again. Flo hasn't joined the swim club yet as the criteria to join is to be able to swim a length unaided. She can just about do it now and will have lessons this summer before joining in September. Back to Saturday, Flo was called over to join in the race and the next thing we knew she was up on the starting block and ready to go first, I was with the boys so sent Griff to keep an eye on her, old mother hen! She jumped in holding her nose but then did the whole length no problem, she got out at the other end not realising she was meant to go again but once told happily jumped back in and did it all over again. We were so proud of her, what a girl!

Fruit and unassisted childbirth

Its really strange how tastes change. I've always hated fruit but find myself wanting to eat it at the momment. Whereas before I liked salads and bean sprouts now I want fruit (as well as meat and veg!) The silly thing is that I've been so wrapped up in the raw food idea that most of our bramley apples have rotted, if only I'd cooked them a little and eaten with cream or ice cream. This evening we had a bowl of pineapple, kiwi and icecream for tea.

I want to try again to give up tea so have been looking into an alkaline diet to help me clear out the tea residues as quick as possible. I'm also drinking less tap water as ours has fairly high levels of lead, arsenic and fluoride which can't be good for me or the baby.

I had my 12 week scan and have seen a midwife. I am not going back for a while. I just feel like this is my pregnancy my last one and I just want to do it my way. I'll ask for help if I feel I need it. Eben was born at home with Griff as the midwife and I hope to do the same again. I've been rereading info on unassisted birth at www.bornfree.com and also listening to my centerpointe cd ( click here for centerpointe info ) that I bought when expecting Eben. It really helped me go inside myself and do what I really wanted to do not what was expected of me. I didn't listen when Gwils was on the way and did what people expected and went to the hospital. It was still a good birth but not as good as at home, snuggled by the fire with a newborn and chocolate biscuits!

Raw crumpets and hotcross buns!

No not raw at all. My change to raw has failed miserably. We went to England for two weeks and the only thing that helped the nausea was carbohydrates and I stuffed and stuffed. All my beansprouts died and I haved grown anymore yet. I'm hoping that as the sun comes out and I start to feel less sick I'll be able to move more towards raw food, not 100% but a large amount. I need some omphh. After 3 weeks without running I've started again. Slow and only 30 minutes but thats fine. I plan to drop it to 20 mins when necessary but try to keep it up 3 times a week, ever hopefull!

I had my first scan on Monday and baby has head, body, limbs and heartbeat. Its always so moving the first time you hear a heart beating in something to small. Flo is delighted and hoping for a sister this time. Eben isn't so keen on the idea of two babies around the place.

I've managed to get my drinking under control at last, one small beer or glass of wine occasionally at home and a couple of glasses if we go out. Luckily anymore than that makes me feel foul. A good reason for morning sickness at last. I need to stop the tea though as that makes me feel bad too but I seemed to be totaly addicted to it. I have been drinking less, I'll have to get back to juicing carrots!

I did it and the lumberjack.

I did it! I got through day 1 without a drink and it wasn't anywhere near as hard as I thought. In fact it was easy and without a drink I didn't feel sick in the evening, brilliant. I did have two cups of tea though which meant I kept having to get up to wee which was a pain but I felt great. I'm sure I can keep it up as I wouldn't enjoy it with the feelings of worry about the health of this baby. Normal kids are hard enough sometimes. Most of the time they are lovely though. We heat our house with wood there is a stove in each room. Yesterday I was bringing in large pieces for the fire downstairs. We had already bought in a sack of small stuff for up stairs. Gwilym saw me stacking wood by the fire so started taking bits out of the sack to stack them too. It was adorable. Hes been walking less than two months and he was marching back and forth with bits of wood, he gave himself a little clap when he placed each one by the fire. This morning he finished the task and has emptied the sack.

Pregnant Again!

I spoke to my sister in law the day after Ebens birthday and she asked why I wasn't pregnant yet. I'd always said I wanted no kids or 4. I'd been thinking next year would be a good time to have number 4 that way it would be done before I was forty and there would be decent gaps between them. I got off of the phone and checked to see when my period was due and then realised why I had been feeling sicky all week, not because I was drinking too much but because I'm pregnant, oh boy oh my! How the hell am I going to cope? I feel shattered, I'm excited and I'm scared too. I'm going to need serious amounts of energy here. I don't want to stop running yet but how am I going to run, continue breastfeeding Gwilym and grow a new person too? The only way I can see getting that sort of energy in through a raw, live diet and of course the booze has to go. I found stopping completely impossible in my last pregnancies but this time I'm going to have to try. I know I'll find support on various forums but I need to commit to myself and family first. I have made a big salad for lunch of mushrooms, red cabbage, shallots, spinach, pumpkin seeds and raisins. I'm not sure about the raisins now I've tasted it but I can't take them out now and the kids should like them. I've also made some rejuvelac and have lots of sprouts going. I'm going to try lots of nut milk smoothies too. I just feel I have to get in as much good grub as possible then the cravings for wine and junk food should go away, shouldn't they?

Ebens Birthday

It was Ebens fourth birthday yesterday so we invited all his class for a party. 11 children came, all with presents so Eben was in his element. The funny this was that they were as excited by his presents as he was. Flo did a magic show, they played with ballons and bounced on the beds. It was great fun. We did a buffet for the kids and adults that stayed and served orangina and white wine. I managed to stay off the wine till the party was nearly over so did make a prat of myself and didn't have a hangover this morning. I ate lots of fatty things and that really seems to do the trick for me. I ran this morning which was the first time in a couple of weeks because of the snow, it went really well despite wanting to turn round after 5 minutes because my nose was numb!

Trouble Signing In

Its taken me since last Tuesday to log on again. Eben is well at last, I have recovered from yesterdays hangover induced by a lovely evening with Florence and Hervé but am feeling at odd with the world and especially Griff. Giving up drinking would probably help but I feel so shitty that this is my crutch, even if its a bit of a wonky one.

Sweet sickness

Poor old Eben has been ill again. Gellified sweets at parties just do him in. Its so hard at not even 4 years old to say no when all the others are tucking in. But after an hour at the party he was feeling ill and 72 hrs later he still has tummy ache. Its so hard for him, people give sweets as treats and he is just ill.

Not just Tits, Shashi Chips

Gwils is really eating well now, not just breast milk at last. This evening we have had a veggie curry with Shashi chips, Shashi being the person that taught Griff to cook little cubes of potato in oil, garlic, mustard seed, cumin seed and paprika, yummy. The boys ate loads. They are as fun as ever. Eben didn't want an afternoon sleep as he doesn't want to get big and strong any more.
I'm enjoying writing again and have at last started my website, I've got the template up and running, I just need some content. There is plenty in my mind just not much coming out through my fingers.
Still drinking, still wondering why.
Getting back into sprouting which is great as I love my sprout salads. The running is going well too. Just need to sort out the baby so he sleeps at night so I can. He is walking since the new year which should tire him out!
So welcome back and happy new year.

Back Again!

Our week in England was okay. Griff's Dad is stable, we had a lovely time with mine and we saw my Nanny who is not too bad and several friends too. Since being back we have had flu, I've been feeling foul with a sore throat and catarah that has been bunging up the back of my throat, yuk. The good news was that I felt so horrid a couple of days that I didn't even want to drink. Fortuanatly I'm feeling both physically and mentally better now as I've been feeling miserable and crotchety. I've also realised that when Griff says that something I've said or want to do is crazy it doesn't make me crazy and that if he says I'm paranoid it doesn't necessarily mean its true it may be because he doesn't want to hear what I'm saying. Twice this weekend I told him something enthusiastically and he immediatly answered with a negative statement and reasons why what I said wasn't any good and when I got upset it was me being negative! I sometimes think he takes everything I say in the same way he did the philosophy books at Uni, it has to be critisised it can't just be listened to it has to be improved on. I'm all for self improvement but he makes me feel like everything I say is crap. Not anymore though. I'm going to rise up above the shit. Sometimes I feel like leaving but it is my home and why should I. He wouldn't leave so I'd have to sell up. But at the same time we do get on well and both want basically the same thing, neither of us likes being told what to do though. Anyway I was thinking about the way I would have to change if we split up. I would have to change things so why not change anyway. If I think I could be couragous enough to leave and change then surely I could just do the change bit. Then we'll see if things get better.
I was rereading a book called 'Mending the past and healing the future with soul retrieval' by Alberto Villoldo and something struck me. He was talking about how when he was expecting his first child he was worried about how his life would change and figured that if it was too hard he could just leave and go back to his wanderings then one day he realised that he couldn't follow his path A (At home with partner and child) wholeheartedly if he always had path B in his mind as an escape, so he got rid of the escape route from his mind and found that path A became much easier. How often do we do this? We try and change our selves for the better but hold onto the old path, just in case?
Buy this book in the UK:
'Mending the past and healing the future with soul retrieval' by Alberto Villoldo
Buy this book in the US:
Mending The Past And Healing The Future with Soul Retrieval

Self Esteem and Sleep Deprivation

Since Gwils decided to grow his first four teeth all in one go he hasn't been sleeping well and I seem to be suffering from that and drinking too much. It hardly seems worth going to all the effort of stopping again though as I never feel happy with the energetic person I become. I'm not confident being that person. Perhaps it also gives me the energy to do all the things I've been avoiding doing for one reason or another. I was wondering why I have such low self esteem and got a sort of an answer today, its because I'm a nasty unforgiving person, that's what Griff thinks about me anyway. There are a couple of people whose behaviour I really don't like but am thrown into a relationship with via Griff and he just thinks I should ignore their nastiness and forgive them. So once again we are going back to the UK for the school holidays to do our duty.
I really can't get my head round the fact that if someone in your family treats you like shit you have to ignore it and forgive them because they are family but you wouldn't take that from someone else and the family member who treats you like shit wouldn't do it to other people as they wouldn't want to upset them but as you are family and have to forgive them then that's okay.
Is all this problem in my mind just caused by the drinking? It doesn't help in the long run that I know.
Over the years I have read so many self help books about finding your own path but every time I try and step onto mine I feel I am dragged back by people who don't want me to change or they'd like me to change in the way they think I should. Well that's todays rant, I had to get it off of my chest

Teeth, Snakes and Moles

Its looking abit like a graveyard outside our front gate, there is a mole that Beth (our dog) dug out and killed and a snake that Robert got the other day. I've left the mole as my friend Florence has never seen a mole and she is coming to run today. The snake is an ordinary grass snake and quite tiny, not like the ones we saw lots of a few years ago. They were green and yellow grass snakes and quite vicious, they sufocate their victims like a constrictor does. One day I was weeding in the green house and one suddenly shot off, it had been suffocating a large toad. Another day Florence was in her cot, she must have been 2 and she called me asking 'Whats that? I went up and in the corner of the room was a sort of buzzing sound in the plastic bags of clothes that were stored in the corner. I thought there must be a bee or something similar trapped so I started pulling the bags out the way, there in the corner ready to pounch on a entering hand was a large green and yellow grasssnake. I grabbed Flo and took her down stairs and called Griff. We didn't manage to catch the snake and it went back out via a hole in the stone walls. They are thick old walls and must be full of passages used by all sorts of vermin. The plastic bags that were near the snake had tooth marks in them, rather the bags than me. The next day I was sitting on loo when I heard a hissing there it was up in the rafters above my head, hissing at me for disturbing it. Later on though Beth found it in the greenhouse and we managed to deal with it. I don't mind the snakes out in the surrounding countryside but I really don't appreciate them in my house with the small children.
Gwils has grown both bottom teeth at once and slept little in the process so am feeling knackered.

Odd Socks

As I hung the washing out I thought that just for once I was going to have washed all pairs of socks but there in the bottom of the basket was one solitary one, the pair of one that got put in the odd sock box yesterday. Where do the other socks go?
Its apple picking day today. Our Bramelys look fab, they go a lovely bright red here, I also need to dig up the last of the potatoes. The juicer has been working hard this morning with a mix of carrot, apple and beetroot juice. We are supposed to be doing a raw challenge week but had left overs from yesterdays rib of beef which had to be eaten. We even ate all the fat as it was very expensive fat. We had friends round with their 3 children. Its amazing how the numbers grow now, you think lovely, Laurence and Stephan are coming for lunch then you realise you are cooking for 10!
Gwills has nearly got is first tooth and is suffering with it, he has a cold with it and a sore bum, we had to resort to calpol, which seemed to help immediatly and he is now asleep. Eben is knackered and trying very hard to avoid having an afternoon sleep, he has just got in trouble with his Dad which is a shame as he wanted to take him to cut Lucs lawn on the tractor mower.

Nuts

It's nut season. We have been gathering walnuts and chestnuts. In fact Griff and the kids collected most. I went for what was supposed to be a vigorous walk yesterday and the hunter gatherer in me just couldn't resist all those chestnuts all over the path.
I'm going to try eating a chestnut raw to see what its like, I think roasted will probably be the best option though.

Harry Potter Stove

We now have a stove just like the one in the Gryffydor dorm in our house. It looks great and is warming the house nicely. I just hope our wood delivery comes soon. The neighbours got theirs this morning. Good job its not sold by weight as it rained so much yesterday that it must be drenched.
Griff and the kids have gone chestnuting. The rain and wind should have knocked loads down. Flo had chestnuts for breakfast, yummy. We have a big creamy salad for lunch with cheese. I am trying to up our raw protein intake to help the neurotransmitters!
I've also still got loads of grapejuice so will whizz up some nettles in it later.
I ran this morning, I did a circuit that took 33 mins on Sat with Florence, it took me 38 mins today, and we thought we where running badly on Saturday! Florence didn't come over today as she was too tired and she has to work tomorrow. Maybe I'll get Griff to run with me and get Vero to look after Gwils for an hour.

Fancy Dress

Why is it some people always look elegant and others always look like they are wearing sacks, sacks in clashing colours of course! This morning Flo was looking smart in an orange tee shirt, khaki skirt, orange socks and orange trainers, but would she wear an orangy coloured cardi, no it had to be the pink one, not bad considering only a few weeks back she said she didn't like pink.
Eben is obsessed with his clothing and if we send him to school wearing clothes he doesn't like he'll change as soon as he gets in. People keep giving us clothes for him and must wonder why he doesn't wear them all. Its partly that he has special clothes that he'll wear and also our kids wear their clothes for 2 days in a row for school. They just don't need clean clothes everyday!
When I was a teenager I was always smartly dressed, but that has drifted to seriously scruffy in the years I've been living in France. I noticed it today when out running with Florence T. this morning. We ran for an hour which is our best so far. She was looking very elegant and seems to keep the same rythm all the time. I was wearing shorts and teeshirt and looked baggy, I also got left behind on all the hills and got back bright red and bedraggled. Will I ever manage to get my dress sense sorted again?

Getting ready to walk

Gwilym is crawling really well now and pulling himself to standing when ever he can. He also totters along when you hold his hand. Griff is going to find such a difference in him when he gets back today. The kids will be delighted to see him. I hope they continue to be fairly well behaved when he gets here. We all have to get readjusted to each other when he has been away working.
Florence is still delighted with the ducks and has named them Florence, Eben, Jack and Lily. I reminds me of when we used to have poultry and bought our first pair of geese. We called them Hissing Sid and Toad and very quickly realised we were never going to kill them for Christmas. We bought another a month later and called him Roasty. Now he did make a good Christmas lunch. Sid and Toad stayed until Sid was caught by a fox, he must have put up a good fight and defended Toad but didn't make it himself and she just pinned away without him. So what will become of our ducks?

A Ducks life

The ducklings couldn't have been a better hit if I'd tried. Florence is delighted she says she never had such a good present. When Eben got up at 7am this morning he wanted to know where Florence was. I thought she was in bed, I certainly was and would have liked to have stayed longer but thought it best to get up and find my daughter. She was sat outside in her dressing gown looking at the ducklings. She has spent most of the day so far looking at them and stroking them. I could work well as she can't suck her thumb incase she gets bird flu. I'm sure there is no risk, but she doesn't know that! Will I be able to get her in to do her homework?