Family Therapy for Happy Families

What is family therapy?

Family therapy is a form of psychotherapy aimed at solving family issues through family counselling. A treatment that family therapy is multiple or all family members involved that this technique finds the family as a unit. Emphasis is placed on the members that are directly related to the problem. Issues such as marriage, divorce, child-parent relationships, family conflicts, depression, addiction and similar family matters are usually managed by family therapists.The focus of family therapy is on family relationships and family interaction. instead of pin point the reason working family therapists on solving the problem with emphasis on the strength of the family.

What makes a family Therapist?

Family therapy sessions has helped hundreds of families are living together happily and peacefully. A family Therapist will inform family members of the family as a unit and the weight of each Member to carry out their roles effectively.A family therapist, helps family members to resolve conflicts through effective communication, minimize gaps. family members made to recognise the importance of the family as a unit. Their behaviour is analyzed and if they want to change their behaviour they explained why and how. Family therapy is a very efficient technique to create happy families.

In order to solve problems implementing family therapists ordinary sessions after the interval. They ask family members, either to undertake certain activities or behave in a certain way to solve problems and to achieve the goals of the family therapy sessions. Family therapy works best is when involved understand its importance, convinced, and willing to participate in solving the problem.

In what areas helps family therapy?

Family therapy for parent-child conflict:Parent-child relational problems are very common and can occur as a result of indifferent attitude of parents or children, bad company, less time for children, disagreement on various issues, etc., Family therapists work in order to achieve a better understanding of resolving conflicts. Family therapy can also resolve the pending questions family members in family life, as well as problems in the workplace, to raise children, social relationships, and relationships between family members.

Family therapy for learning disabilities:Family therapy can treat children with learning disabilities (USA) or development disabilities (UK). Learning disabilities refers to low General Intelligence of the person in comparison with the other.Family therapy can develop cognitive social-emotional skills-in young minds and inspire children to control their emotions and improve their performance.

Family therapy for marriage and Divorce:Family therapy can transform relationships gone sour smiley relations through therapy session for Family therapists educate pair. both members to manage conflicting situations delicately. to solve problems that can lead to happy relationships through in-depth discussions and the change in attitude.They promote the couple to make a new start.

Family therapy for chronic Medical Illness:Family therapy also works well in cases where a family member suffering from chronic diseases such as AIDS, which can cause psychological trauma for the whole family; family therapy discussion sessions enable families to cope with this difficult situation and help patients overcome disease with a positive attitude.

In addition to the above listed issues, you can also contact a licensed and qualified family therapist, resolving issues of family violence, child abuse and incest, death in the family, traumatic events, etc.

Ackerman Institute for family is intended to help families and dedicated to educating family therapists; For more information visit: http://www.ackerman.org.

Kevin is a freelance Writer and has written many informative articles; this time he wrote the article on Family therapy for good Families.

Blending families! Sounds simple-but is it?

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Mine Yours and Ours. Remember the old movie? It was a comedy. In real life, mine yours and ours is a very serious matter. Almost half of the marriages today involve kids. His kids, her kids or both.

When a new family is created by marriage the biological and the step parents

have many unanswered questions, many unattended to concerns, many fears and

the knowledge and preparedness to do all within their powers to ensure a

happy blended family where the kids know they belong and are loved and wanted.

How do we ensure that our family will indeed become blended?

You may start with the preparation for, and duties at the wedding.

Involve all the kids and get them as excited as you and your future spouse are.

At the wedding ceremony exchange family wedding vows.

Rather than vows only between bride and groom, family Wedding vows

include all family members. That is, the bride, the groom and the children.

Right after the vows exchange and after you exchange gifts,

welcome each child to the family with a special gift of jewelry.

This may follow by a FAMILY unity candle ceremony.

After the wedding, the most important thing is to put your marital relationship first

as your priority and to stand together regarding rules of the household

with all of your kids. In each of the following situations this may be

easier said than done.

Following are a few scenarios for you to consider.

All the kids live with you,


Your kids live with you while your spouse's kids only visit,


Your spouse's kids live with you while your kids only visit, or


you have split custody with the other biological parents,


The other biological parent(s) is/are single


The other biological parent(s) is/are married.

In the latter, most severe situation, your kids would have up to 6 adults

with different ideas regarding child rearing and discipline, telling them what to do.

Potentially, you'll have to deal with:

Their transitions to/from different households with different house rules?

If there was a divorce, the possibility that the "other parent" incites the kids against you and/or your spouse.


If there was death, kids' anger at the parent who "left them" and anger at "that Person" who "tries to take the place of / replace" the diseased parent.


Being unable or unwilling to compete with the "other parent" for affection, by lavishing the kids with gifts and "whatever they want" and "whatever they do is ok".

Kids do not need things, to know they are loved and wanted.

Kids need a stable nurturing home where both parents work together

as a parenting team and support each other's decisions especially regarding

home rules, traditions and rituals.

The main issue for your family is to have both of you establish your household rules,

traditions and rituals. Do so together and in agreement and include the kids, especially older kids

in forming them.

Have a family meeting or a kitchen table discussion about what members of the family

would like to do on a regular basis. You might be surprised what ideas come up.

If reasonable, try these suggestions. Allowing kids to contribute will make it easier

to enforce these household rules, traditions and rituals without the danger of being seen by the kids as demanding, tough or unreasonable.

Don't let your rules, traditions and rituals waiver, stand together and

support each other in implementing them. However, remember that as

children get older and situations change, rituals and traditions may need

to be adjusted.

When actual discipline is needed it should first come from the child's own parent

and not from the stepparent, though the stepparent needs to back up their spouse,

thus establishing for the children a parental and family cohesiveness.

Your children need to see and experience the strength of your marital relationship,

your commitment to each other and to them, and the strength and stability of your family.

They need to regain the security of being loved and wanted.

Security they lost when their biological parents divorced or in a case of

a parent's death when that parent "left them".

When you re-marry you have high hopes and often see everything

through rose-colored glasses.

The truth is that your second marriage especially when either one or both of you

have children, is much more challenging than the first.

As a new family, you go through phases.

At first, you will experience "the honeymoon phase".

This is when everyone is on their best behavior, excited, happy, giddy,

maybe even showing off for one another.

Then comes the second phase, the "honeymoon is over phase". This is when reality sets in and members of the blended family begin to realize

that they don't like something about this one or are jealous of that one or are

uncomfortable with... and on and on.

Be prepared for the "honeymoon is over" phase and expect hurt feelings,

acting out behaviors, tears, and anger.

Now, you are in a stepfamily, struggling for some sense of family identity. Don't despair.

It is a normal progression when two families blend into one.

Realize that it takes time, patience, understanding, respect and a lot of love to instill

a family cohesiveness and bring up self-assured, secure children.

Give the kids all you have got. Make it a priority to always be involved

in every aspect of the child's life and be there for him or her.

If the children are of school age, inquire about their day and help them with their

schoolwork whenever it is needed. Better yet, encourage older children to help

the younger ones with homework.

If you can spare the time volunteer to help in the kids classes and always make time

to be there for school, sports, and other activities the kids participate in.

Your involvement and the involvement of all kids in their siblings' life will eventually

bring bonding and closeness. The results will be rewarding

and you'll soon forget the difficult times.

It is very important that you let the children know right from the start that respect

for both parents and all siblings is paramount. Yet, you must accept the fact that you

may or may not be able to develop a parental bond with your stepchildren.

Let your relationship progress naturally. Do not force a parental relationship on them.

Do all within your power to earn their respect.

Having achieved this, you start your family blending on the right foot.

As you strive for a united family, set scheduled time for family togetherness.

Whether you call it family night, family meeting, family chat, be sure that

everyone is present and that everyone shares their experiences, and what

is going on in their life inside and outside the home.

Let everyone talk about what is on his or her minds and how they feel, without being judged or reprimanded.

Keep it real simple and age appropriate but do establish open communications and let

the kids know how you feel as well. Reassure the children, that this is what a family is

and that in your family everyone does things for the others. Let them know that they are loved

and that you care for them. Instill in them the realization that all you want is for them to grow up

in a happy home and feel good about themselves and their family. Before long, the kids will look forward to this time together, as it becomes part of your

established blended family ritual.

As important as family time is, make it clear that any child can come to you on a one on one

whenever they feel the need or want to discuss or tell things in private.

Bear in mind that children have a past. They also have feelings.

If these feelings are stifled, children may feel that they are being forced into

a "new" family to replace their "old" family. This in turn will bring forth resentment, anger, frustration and hurt. Therefore,

it is important that the children understand that they are allowed to hang onto the memories

of their previous family, remember them with joy, feel happy about those times that came before

or sad that they are no more, and know that it is "OK" to recall, remember and even

share them aloud with each other.

Through this sharing, and as they get older, they will begin to understand

and realize that in the "new " family they are building new relationships and

creating new memories, not replacing those they already have.

Let each child, if age and ability appropriate, an opportunity to contribute to the family.

Give each child tasks and responsibilities. They may resent it at the

moment but thank you as they reach adulthood.

So far all seems too serious. It is! But family life is not all seriousness!

Make time for fun, and do so often.

Children need individual attention. Give each child your undivided attention as individuals.

Just you and that child. Get to know each child yours and your spouse's.

Give each child opportunities to get to know you.

With all that, do no ignore each other. It is just as important, that you make sure

you set aside time for each other, to foster your love and marital relationship.

Nily Glaser, the CEO of A-wedding Day at: http://www.a-weddingday.com is a retired school principal. Her vast experience with every possible family situation and her concern for children, helped her become an expert. Not only does she write important articles, Nily Glaser has presented workshops for educators and for wedding professionals all over the USA. Nily Glaser pays special attention to enlighten educators, families and wedding professionals. Her web site is a very popular Wedding Resource and Information Center, and a discount shopping mall for wedding gifts, supplies and bridal accessories including the exclusive Wedding Accessories By Nily. To read more of her articles click here.

The key that opens the door to extraordinary families

We have started a new game in our home. Every night at the dinner table we each take is another family member about himself. "So, Rick, how do you know if your interview on Monday?" "MOM, what you want for Christmas?" Sounds like just a normal conversation, right? Well, there is a purpose to our games. We have two introverted boys struggling with social skills. This game was created to better teach them how to communicate and take an interest in other people's lives. As adults, we are all needed to start a conversation with another person or communicate our concern for the important people in our lives.

What is this new game we play called? There are no formal name, but this game is a family of ritual and family rituals will help you to create extraordinary families. Webster's Dictionary is a ritual in "no formal, customary or ceremonial observance, practice or procedure". Family rituals that define that your family is. Each family has a different way of doing things and your children will identify certain rituals that special, and they will start to differ from other families. Family rituals provides comfort and safety. Think of the children who follows the same ritual every night before bed. MOM or Dad help her get ready for bed.They have read 3 books, talk about their day and the evening with bedtime prayers. Child will expect this routine every night and this very ritual is what gives the confidence needed between parent and child.

Family rituals based family bonds. My two boys have a special handshake, they engage in to show their love for each other. It is too complicated for parents, so we do not even try to learn it. You can count on family rituals to generate lots of wonderful family memories. I clearly remember, as a child, go every Sunday to donut shop with my parents. We would be able to pick up our monks and then Park in the parking lot somewhere.I would sit in the living eat my Ring while my parents read newspapers in the front seat.Now, it may seem a strange ritual, but even today, as an adult, with a ring on Sundays gives back special memories, Family rituals can finally be used to teach values and practical skills, without even knowing it, is a family game night teaching your child to be patience, collaboration, and good SPORTSMANSHIP.

There are five major objectives for family rituals:

1. Family rituals used to celebrate something. Rituals at weekends is probably the most popular type of ritual. Most families have a certain ritual they go through helping them to celebrate Christmas, birthday, Thanksgiving, Cinco de Mayo and other special dates. But how do you celebrate the first day of spring, the last day of school, Golden birthdays or report card day? The possibilities are endless.

2. Family rituals can be used to smooth the transitions and change; when it was time for my younger son to give up his Pacifier, we introduced "Paci Fairy". We hear him Paci Fairy will come at night to get all their Pacifiers and leave him a special toy. My son never asked for their Pacifiers after that night. We all go through changes in life, and family rituals can make these times of change, exciting and normal. Consider introducing rituals for potty training, new born, 1st period for girls, 1st shave for boys, new drivers and graduations in intensity and hue.

3. Another objective for family rituals is to solve a problem. There is always the family's problems to be resolved. Family weekly meetings are a great way to tackle these problems. Consider having the burden of rituals to expand family cooperation.I know the families that will go through a ridiculous ritual when their child with a temper tantrum.

4. Family rituals should be used to help the family members connect with each other. Skin care and bedtime rituals are excellent ways to connect. Introducing family fun nights regularly generates proximity. My older son, and I have a special way, we say "I Love You".It is a hand signal we use that no one else understands. Connection in your family is essential to create an additional family.

5. Family rituals are great for teaching skills and values.A good way to introduce values in your home is to create a "Value of the Month" program.Decide what your 12 peak is for your family and assign a value to a month.For example, February is a good time to teach the value of love, and november is perfect for thankfulness and appreciation.Introduce special rituals every month to teach these values.Read books, play games, make a family community projects, and watch videos that are associated with this value is a great way to reinforce what you want your children to learn.

Keep in mind the family rituals you already operate.The rituals would be a good idea to add your family to create happier and closer relationships?What problems in your family need to be addressed, and how can you add a ritual to help them? what changes or special day to celebrate in your family? I recommend you to get started, with a fixed ritual for the connection on a daily basis, you can create a modest weekly family ritual and work in a monthly family ritual. Celebrate at least one family ritual for great holidays and birthdays. remember, with the aim of creating family rituals is to equip your child with the skills and values that you want to use them to learn, large family relationships and wonderful memories.

Lori Radun, CEC certified life coach for VAT. Lori is the author of The Energy Equation eCourse, Express Yourself!, and The Self Esteem series; receive her free newsletters and special report 155 Things Moms can do to increase the Great Children, visit her at http://www.true2youlifecoaching.com.

Families in Pakistan

For some families, a flight from Pakistan to a location on the Western hemisphere may seem a flight to another world. It would indeed be the case if a tight-knit Pakistani family was to travel to THE UNITED STATES or Canada.

In the West tend to members of the family are categorized.Some family members fall under the term "immediate family", "others fall under the heading" extended family. "For families in Pakistan obliterates the degree of all family members need such categorization.

In Pakistan, determines the degree of all family members of the family approach to ever opportunity; Pakistani children, while older children, do not hesitate to follow with their parents in public. Many Pakistani children share their home with one or two pairs of grandparents.

When a child growing up in such a tight-knit family, he or she learns to appreciate all the members of any family. If such child immigrates to the United States, then his or her spouse a wonderful surprise. An adult should be familiar with tight-knit family will quickly offer condolences to the family who experiences the loss of a loved one.

Of families in Pakistan, one can find many different types of what has become known as a "common family". As mentioned, contains a common family invariably one or more grandparents.A common family can also contain an aunt, an uncle and even some cousins. In a common family would they all live under one roof.

Each Member of a Pakistani family have respect for the elderly family members. At the same time fails families in Pakistan will never look at children in the family as "gifts from God."Parents are responsible for educating children in the family, the basic conviction family selected freedom of religion.

Islam is the religion practiced by most families in Pakistan.Special occasions such as weddings, carried out according to Muslim tradition, Many marriages are planned marriage.The father of a daughter decides that she will marry.His words must go unquestioned.

While dad control scheduling for weddings, attend all family members in the preparations that wedding.They contribute to preparing the bride, obtaining the necessary deorationsand to prepare food for the guests. date of the wedding gather members of the family management of marriage contract, Pakistanis calls "mikah."

A second ceremony in Pakistani Home called "aqeeqa" ceremony; during this ceremony collecting family members for a feast. The witness circumcision of a new male babies. value of ceremony underlines the ephasis as families in Pakistan on their male children.

A female child is expected to grow into the role of a mother with her life decisions are driven by men; Women in Pakistan, of course, is to find more and more reasons to go through life in a way that refuses to accept the restrictions proposed by male family members.

Measures for women in today's Pakistan could very well be able to re-shape nature of family life in Pakistan.

For further reading, please visit Asian women Magazine

Ashithas report about alcoholism affects families

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Alcoholism of often termed the family illness, referring to the tremendous impact an active alcoholic has on those around him. There is no way the family members can escape or ignore the alcoholic. The majority of the alcoholic impairments are behavioural. So in the day-to-day interactions of family life, the family members are confronted with alcoholic behaviour. The family is, confused, be wildered, angry and afraid. They act accordingly. Their responses characteristically are as impaired as the alcoholic's.

Certainly no family member ever caused alcoholism. Yet the family may, despites its best intentions, behave in a way that allows the alcoholic to continue drinking. They may protect the alcoholic, make excuses, buy into the alibis, cover up. They might call the employer, pretending the alcoholic is sick. The alcoholic's actions are bound to increase the family's anxiety level.

JACKSON'S STAGES

Jackson describes the stages that occur as a family comes to grips with an alcoholic in its midst. Her stages were initially intended to describe the family in which the husband and father is the alcoholic.

Denial:- Early in the development of alcoholism, occasional episodes of excessive drinking are explained away both marriage partners. Drinking because of drunkenness worry, nervousness, or a had day is not unbelievable the assumption is that the episode is an isolated instance and therefore no problem.

Attempts to eliminate the problem:- Here the spouse recognizes that the drinking is not normal and tries to make sure the alcoholic to quit, be more careful, or cut down. Simultaneously, the spouse tries to hide the problem from the outside and keep up a good front. Children in the family may well start having start having problems in response to the family stress.

Disorganization and chaos:- The family equilibrium has now broken down. The spouse can no longer pretend everything is okay and spends most of the time going crisis to crisis. Financial troubles are common. Under real stress, possibly questioning his or her own sanity, the spouse is likely to seek outside help.

Reorganization in spite of the problem:- The spouse's coping abilities have strengthened. He or she gradually assumes the larger share of responsibility for the family unit. This may mean getting a job or taking over the finances. The major focus of energy is no longer directed toward getting the alcoholic partner to shape up. Instead, the spouse takes charge and fosters family life, despite the alcoholism.

Efforts to escape:- Separation or divorce may be attempted: lithe family unit remains intact, the family continues living around the alcoholic.

Family reorganization:- In the case of separation, family reorganization occurs without the alcoholic member. If the alcoholic achieves sobriety, a reconciliation may take place. Either path will require both partners to realign roles and make new adjustments.

ADDICTION, A FAMILY DISEASE

Addition is a 'family disease' that affects not only the addicted individual, but also his family members.

As addiction gets worse day by day, the family is compelled to face several unmanageable problems. Unable to cope with these problems, the family constantly lives under severe tensions and pressure. This results in the family members becoming desperate, angry, frustrated, nervous, afraid and guilty. In many ways they start behaving like the addict, even though they do not take alcohol.

Responses of the family members

Stage 1

a) Denying the problems:- Initially the family members deny or minimize the problems related to his drinking.

b) Justifying his drinking:- The family members give reasons for his drinking.

c) Making changes:- In an attempt to stop his drinking. The family members often believe that they are responsible for the alcoholic's drinking. They try to solve the problems at home and establish a pleasant atmosphere hoping that he will then give up drinking. The wife goes all out to please the alcoholic-pays his debts to relieve him of his financial burdens.

Stage 2

d) Withdrawing from society:- In spite of their efforts the family members find that he continues to drink. They do not want anyone to know this fact. Thus they become less social and keep away from their relatives and friends. They do not invite anyone home. They feel lonely and at the same time, worthless.

e) Protecting the alcoholic from the consequences of his drinking:- They protect the alcoholic by, covering up the consequences arising out of his drinking thinking that they can make him give up alcohol.

f) Making attempts to control his drinking:- In the hope of getting him out of his problem. The wife may empty or break the bottles, request the alcoholic to drink on only at house and not outside. Tell him not to drink in the mornings. Extract promises from him that he will not drink when there are guests at home. Unable to achieve anything, the family members feel angry, let down, bitter. Initially the anger, and hatred are directed towards the alcoholic, gradually, the focus is lost and they get angry with everyone around.

Stage 3

g) Losing control over oneself:- The family members give up all attempts to control his drinking because they realize that these methods do not help. Thus they may decide to refrain from getting angry. But they are unable to control their emotions and shot at the alcoholic for drinking heavily, beat the children for minor mistakes committed by them, get anxious about the alcoholic when he does not come home till dark etc. Her own behaviour makes her wonder whether she is losing her sanity.

h) Fear of the future:- The family members are very worried and scared. For them, the future looks bleak. Tomorrow is a big question mark.

Stage 4

i) Trying to reorganize the household:- They have absolutely no control over the alcoholic and the family members are not able to relay on him for anything. Their she takes up the complete responsibility of running the family and the alcoholic is only looked upon as a defiant angry child.

Stage 5

j) Breaking away from the alcoholic:- As the disease of alcoholism worsens the wife believers that she can lead a life independent of the alcoholic. She is -also worried that if left alone, he may ruin himself. These lead too lots of conflicts in her mind, feeling disgusted, she may leave him for a short period of time but, she normally comes back.

Stage 6

k) Allowing the alcoholic to face a crisis:- The wife stops taking any responsibility for the consequences of the alcoholic behaviour.

Emotional responses of the family members

1) Guilt - Our culture impels that if a person drinks too much, his parents or wife is to be blamed. This attitude of society often leads to self-blame and it produces more guilt and shame. This prevents both: he alcoholic and the family members from developing self-awareness which can lead to a positive change.

2) Grief - It is the result of all sorts of losses-loss of prestige, personal dignity, care, understanding and love, friends, finances-loss in each and every area of their life. They do not share their feelings of grief with anyone, they suffer alone.

3) Anger - When no one cares to listen to them the family members experiences anger and deep sadness. Their utter helplessness makes them angry. They are angry with themselves.

4) Hurt - If the anger is suppressed and not let out, it results in frustration, resentment and hurt feelings and anxiety.

5) Shame - The in appropriate behaviour of the alcoholic in front of relatives and friends makes the family embarrassed. Shame produce slow self worth in each members of the family leading to social isolation.

6) Fear - Living in a problematic distressed family, produces fear-fear of the future, fear of family life, fear of financial matters, fear or helps, fear of arguments, fear their physical well-being. There feelings of fear are a result of the internalized emotional stress that each and every family members experiences.

7) Loneliness - The stressful situation in the alcoholic's family results in the breakdown of normal family communications. Love, Care and Concern are lost in the stress, anxiety and crisis experienced. The isolation created by lack of communication always leads to bitter loneliness.

The children of alcoholics learn three unwritten laws or self imposed commands. They are 'don't talk, don't trust, don't feel'. They may play one or more roles within family. ie, responsible child, adjusting child, placating child, rebellious child.

Though they are harmful to our family relations, being related, we have the moral right to love, care, and help them to come out of it. For that psychological efforts have to be promoted. As the medical science has developed more in this century, the addition could be cured by root.

The effects on the children of alcoholics

Lack of role model, lying, loss of self esteem, fear, depression and suicidal idea.

The children Learn Three Unwritten Laws or self imposed commands

Don't Talk, Don't Trust, don't Feel and play one or more roles within the family:

Responsible child

Adjusting child

Placating child

Rebellious child

Alcoholic family reactivity patterns

The functional family system

(The family with an Alcoholic member)

The neurotic enmeshed family system

(The Alcoholic Family)

The disintegrated family system

(Family separation & isolation)

The absent family system

(The long term isolated alcoholic)

A GUIDE FOR THE FAMILY OF THE ALCOHOLIC

The family's best defense against the emotional impact of alcoholism is gaining know, ledge and achieving the emotional maturity and courage needed to put in into effect.

Individuals who may be capable of assisting alcoholics outside the family may become confused, destructive persons if a member of their own family becomes an active alcoholic. This is especially true if the drinking alcoholic is the husband, or wife.

The "next of kin" or 'person most responsible for the alcoholic may need more assistance and counselling than the alcoholic if an effective recovery program is to be launched. Alcoholism is an illness, but one which has tremendous emotional impact upon the immediate family. Those most affected by the alcoholic are the spouse, parent, sister, brother and child. The more distorted the emotions of these persons become the less adequate their help will be. The interaction may and often does become destructive rather than helpful.

For example wives may find themselves blamed for everything that is wrong is an alcoholic marriage. This may reach the point where they may fear this is true. Yet alcoholism is an illness. The wife is no more responsible for alcoholism than she would be for the existence of diabetes or tuberculosis in her husband. Now wife ever made her husband an alcoholic, there fore no wife can be held responsible for his recovery. However, by lack of knowledge she may allow the illness to go unnoticed. By lack of adequate understanding and courage she may acquiesce in the development of the disease. For the existence of alcoholism the wife is not responsible, but she can abet the husband avoiding treatment, or takes steps which may lead to earlier recovery though this cannot be absolutely assured.

This same principle holds true for all members of the family, especially the one person upon whom the alcoholic ultimately depends. This primary person in the alcoholic's life cannot "treat" the illness. No doctor should treat his own serious illness, and few will ever act as physician for a member of their immediate family, especially spouse, parent or child. As alcoholism progresses relatives become involved emotionally.

THE ALCOHOLIC'S WEAPONS

Anger

The first weapon is ability to arose anger or provoke loss of temper. If the family member or friend becomes angry and hostile this person has been completely destroyed in so far as ability to help the alcoholic is concerned. Consciously or unconsciously the alcoholic is projecting an image of self-hatred against the other person. If it is met by angry, hostile attacks it is thereby verified and the alcoholic's own mind justifies the former drinking and also now has an additional excuse to drink in the future.

Anxiety

The second weapon of the alcoholic is the ability to arouse anxiety on the part of the family. Thereby they are compelled to do for the alcoholic that which can be done only by the alcoholic if the illness is to be arrested and recovery initiated.

The alcoholic cannot undo what others have already undone. This in reality increases the alcoholic's sense of failure and guilt and increases the family's sense of hostility and condemnation if the alcoholic. Thereby the alcoholic is doubly injured. The criticism, scolding and moralizing add to the alcoholic's guilt and resentment against self and family.

Alcoholics are propelled along the progress of the disease when the family is unable to cope with anxiety aroused by the alcoholic. This is in effect part of the illness. Neither the alcoholic nor his family is able to face realty.

Love and compassion

One of the more serious failures in approaching the alcoholic is the inability to understand the meaning of love. The wife has no right to state, "if you loved me you would not drink".

Alcohol is an anesthetic. When the alcoholic drinks he anesthetizes his pain. This is the pleasure of alcohol escape. It is a problem-solving device to relieve unpleasantness, anxiety, tension and resentment. When the alcoholic drinks pain is avoided for the time being but pain, tension, anxiety and resentment are increased severely in the family. When the alcoholic drinks pain is avoided for the time being but pain, tension, anxiety and resentment are increased severely in the family. When the alcohokic sobers up there is little desire to suffer the consequences of drinking. Remorse and guilt now compel the - alcoholic to prostrate him self before the family, beggar mercy and promise that it will never happen again. Or the reverse side of the coin may appear, complete unwillingness to discuss what happened. Each attempts to gain the same goal, the avoidance of the consequences of drinking. If the alcoholic succeeds by either means his pain is again avoider or relieved but the family again pays the price of the consequences of drinking.

Love is Destroyed

Love cannot continue to exist in this type of action and interaction. The alcoholic uses alcohol to escape pain by drinking and learns, how to use the family to escape the pain of the consequences. The family suffers when the alcoholic drinks and then suffers the painful consequences also. If the family bears the brunt of the drinking and absorbs its consequences then compassion cannot exist Compassion is bearing with or suffering with a person, not suffering because of the unwillingness of the other person to suffer. If this condition is allowed to continue by the - family, love is gradually destroyed and replaced by fear, resentment and hatred. The only way love can be retained is by family members learning not to suffer when drinking is in progress and refusing to undo the consequences of drinking. Anything less than this is not compassion and only relationship without, justice and compassion is not love.

The traffic result is that alcoholism is thereby encouraged and fear and resentment take over human emotions. This is why family members, especially the next of kin of the alcoholic, need held if the disease is to be arrested and recovery initiated. Other wise the entire family becomes ill emotionally. This condition is but another symptom of the progress of the disease.

THE 'ROLE' OF PARENTS AND TEACHERS

The role of parents and teachers in preventing youth from getting into the drug - scene can best the filled by sympathetic understanding of what is going on in their minds in hearts. Even if the parents and teachers are to old to be interested in the new attractions, they must make themselves young enough in thought to share the feelings which these youth have received from the atmosphere around them, - blowing in from all over the world.

A word of warning: sometimes these pressures and desires also come to the parents and teachers tool'. More and more adults have problems which they don't want to admit, but which cause them to drink, or gamble, or play around in dangerous way, too. You need only count the increasing number of alcoholics and alcohol selling shops, or reflect on the new and important place and "source force" which helps more and more people to buy new land, build new homes, wear clothes they cannot afford, and generally try to impress their friends and relatives with items that are bigger and better.

Especially parents must be aware of how their grown - up children are developing in life. If their studies are weak, if they keep irregular hours and do not easily answer questions about their activity or friends; if they growth in, do not eat, oversleep and are secretive, it is a time for loving, sympathetic seeking to understand rather then harshly criticize. Talk with them about their plans for the future, their interests and how to go about achieving them. Let them share with you the impressions they get from their friends, and how they feel because of these things. Confide in them - the problems which you adults feel too with the strains of modern life in our land- locked, opportunity - locked country.

Common Features of the Family with an Addict Members

The addict is the symptom carrier of the family dysfunction.

The addict helps to maintain family homeostasis.

The addict reinforces the parental need to control and continue parenting, yet he finds such parenting inadequate for his needs.

The addict provides a displaced battlefield so that implicit and explicit parental strife can continue to be denied.

Parental drug, and alcohol above is common and is directly transmitted to the addict or results in - inadequate parenting.

The addict forms cross - generational alliances which separate parents from each other.

Generational boundaries are diffused - there is frequent competition between parents.

Frequently the crisis created by addict is the only was the family gets together and attempts some problem solving, or is the only opportunity for a "deed" family to experience emotions.

Ashitha P. Joy is MSW student in Assumption College, Changanachery, kerala, India.

Dr. Hari S.Chandran, M.Phil (Psy), Ph.D, PGDPC, C. Psych.(England) is working as Cons. Psychologist, Department of Deaddiction & Mental Health, St. Gregorios Mission Hospital, Parumala. Kerala,India. drhari7@hotmail.com