Crushed by Empathy

It should be empowered by empathy but this week it has crushed me. I have been feeling more and more wretched. All efforts to eat well have been met with  hatred of myself and why should I bother, noone else cares about me etc. I was standing in the kitchen earlier trying to work out why I hate myself so much and why I was looking for a knight in shining armour to come and save me? Then it clicked! I have a friend who has been depressed and she is always looking to be saved by a man who will treat her like a princess. I realised that I was partly feeling her emotions and was able to let them go. Its like a fog cleared and I feel so much better. I guess that I was feeling a bit down due to feeling tired and sick and so my defences were down when she came to see me on Thursday and I just let it all in. I'll have to remember next time to shield myself.

I did it and the lumberjack.

I did it! I got through day 1 without a drink and it wasn't anywhere near as hard as I thought. In fact it was easy and without a drink I didn't feel sick in the evening, brilliant. I did have two cups of tea though which meant I kept having to get up to wee which was a pain but I felt great. I'm sure I can keep it up as I wouldn't enjoy it with the feelings of worry about the health of this baby. Normal kids are hard enough sometimes. Most of the time they are lovely though. We heat our house with wood there is a stove in each room. Yesterday I was bringing in large pieces for the fire downstairs. We had already bought in a sack of small stuff for up stairs. Gwilym saw me stacking wood by the fire so started taking bits out of the sack to stack them too. It was adorable. Hes been walking less than two months and he was marching back and forth with bits of wood, he gave himself a little clap when he placed each one by the fire. This morning he finished the task and has emptied the sack.

Frightened

I'm worried how we'll cope, we have very little money and a baby on the way. I had started sewing and making jewelry to sell but now I'm pregnant I have lost my self confidence again. What can I do to make more money? I don't want to ask the state for money but I might have to. This is so daft why does money have to mess so many things up?

Sunday Lunch

Sunday lunch is a very special meal for me, I love my roast meat and roast potatoes with gravy and veggies. It doesn't have to be meat either a good nut roast can be just as delicious. I used to do a chestnut and mushroom one which was great. Today we had roast chicken with roasted potatoes and carrots and steamed cauliflower, lovely! I had been reading about FAS (foetal alcohol syndrome) this morning so when Griff served me a glass of white wine I was cautious and felt bad about every sip. What if today was the day for forming something important and its just been messed up by alcohol? The problem was that once the first glass was finished I wanted more, I wasn't happy with one glass and wanted more. I had another one of white and a glass of red. It's got to stop I'll have to just stop completely at least untill I've got out of the habit.

Sunday lunch is the reason I am in this situation, a Sunday lunch when I was 17. I had always said I didn't want children, when I was a little girl and other kids talked about how many children they would have I thought they were mad, I didn't want any and if faced with a baby had no idea what to do to entertain it. Anyway on this particular Sunday my boyfriend took me to a friends house for lunch. They had 4 kids and I was charmed by the big country kitchen and the familiness of it. The kids were great and I decided I would either have no kids or four. It must have been deeply imbedded in my consiousness as when I started to think that 2 was enough I found out I was expecting the third and since then well its been obvious that four it would be, although twins could be fun, taking it up to five but lets wait till the first scan for that and heres hoping for girls!