One Month Raw!

Its been 4 weeks since I started my raw challenge. I've done really well and eaten more fruit than I normally would have done in a year. I still slip up and give in to the toast and butter craving but most of what I'm eating is alive and well. On Friday my failure proved the sucess of this way of eating. I ate cooked all day Friday and had to go to bed early and had terrible trouble waking in the morning, something that was happening frequently pre raw but hasn't happened this month. What else has changed? Since getting back on the carrot and apple juice I have felt much more alert and happy. I guess its the sheer quantity of good nourishment that you can get from juice.
I have used a site called nutridiary to work out how many calories I have been eating and to see if I am eating a balanced diet. A couple of things have suprised me. One is the amount of protein in vegetables, most food composition tables don't even bother with the protein from veg but even a simple courgette has 14% protein, so if you mix fruit and veg its easy to get enough protein. The biggest suprise was related to calcium and iron, even vegan nutrition books don't tell you that there are stacks of both in green leafy veg. Parsley is especially high. About 500g of parsley will provide all the iron and all the calcium most people need in a day. Ok so that is a lot of parsley, but if you juice it its not much to consume and think how much one cow has to eat to provide the meat for the iron and another has to eat to provide the milk for the calcium! I can't believe how much we have been brainwashed, even well known nutritionalists say that a pregnant woman can't fulfil her calcium needs without supplements, cods wallop I say, its just a case of getting used to consuming different foods and believing in what is growing, often beneath our feet.
I plan to continue to eat and drink this way I really feel like its the right thing to do, slip ups will come but won't last for long as this is so much better. I still have urges to drink wine and beer but one glass and my legs feel like they will collapse so that not much fun.
I am now 23 weeks pregnant and feeling great. The acid reflux that had started has stopped and my legs have hardly been achey. I swam 1200metres yesterday so am still able to do some exercise. I tried running a little in the wood the other day but it hurt my belly so had to stop. I'll be able to run at the end of the year so its not much to drop it now. I'll be running round non-stop when I've got 4 little monsters to chase!

Tea free and gardening

I've been tea free for a week now. Last Monday I just stopped, I thought of cutting down but just couldn't do it. By Monday evening I was foul tempered with everyone and could feel a headache coming on. Tuesday morning the headache was awful, I tried a paracetemol but that didn't do a thing. Later on in the day I started to feel sick and weak, reading hurt and I just wanted to curl up and die. Luckily the boys slept in the afternoon and I felt a bit better afterwards. I picked Flo up from school and then started to feel worse again. Griff wasn't there as he is doing a life saving course and I was begining to wonder if anyone would get any dinner. I decided to try one ibuprofen and if that didn't work I would go for a cup of tea to ease things. Fortunatly if worked and life went on and early to bed. I've had headaches on and off since then but its getting better and I don't miss it. I'm pretty short on energy and drive though. That said I ran for 20mins on Saturday and at the swimming pool on Sunday managed 1200m which really wiped me out but felt good.
The garden is looking beautifull we have lots of very noisy green frogs in the pond and were lucky enough to see a nymph crawl out of the water butt and transform into a dragonfly, amazing! The plants in the greenhouse are looking great, we are eating salads and the first flowers are forming on the tomatoes. There is also an awfull lot of grass to cut and ground to clear to get the potatoes in. When are we ever going to have the time and the energy to do it all? I've no idea, after Griffs course finishes he has to finish pruning his vines and then a week later should be going down south for a fortnight to work. I'm really glad hes been busy this holiday as it means we've been able to stay here rather than going to England or to my Mums. I'm really enjoying just hanging around.

Fruit and unassisted childbirth

Its really strange how tastes change. I've always hated fruit but find myself wanting to eat it at the momment. Whereas before I liked salads and bean sprouts now I want fruit (as well as meat and veg!) The silly thing is that I've been so wrapped up in the raw food idea that most of our bramley apples have rotted, if only I'd cooked them a little and eaten with cream or ice cream. This evening we had a bowl of pineapple, kiwi and icecream for tea.

I want to try again to give up tea so have been looking into an alkaline diet to help me clear out the tea residues as quick as possible. I'm also drinking less tap water as ours has fairly high levels of lead, arsenic and fluoride which can't be good for me or the baby.

I had my 12 week scan and have seen a midwife. I am not going back for a while. I just feel like this is my pregnancy my last one and I just want to do it my way. I'll ask for help if I feel I need it. Eben was born at home with Griff as the midwife and I hope to do the same again. I've been rereading info on unassisted birth at www.bornfree.com and also listening to my centerpointe cd ( click here for centerpointe info ) that I bought when expecting Eben. It really helped me go inside myself and do what I really wanted to do not what was expected of me. I didn't listen when Gwils was on the way and did what people expected and went to the hospital. It was still a good birth but not as good as at home, snuggled by the fire with a newborn and chocolate biscuits!

Raw crumpets and hotcross buns!

No not raw at all. My change to raw has failed miserably. We went to England for two weeks and the only thing that helped the nausea was carbohydrates and I stuffed and stuffed. All my beansprouts died and I haved grown anymore yet. I'm hoping that as the sun comes out and I start to feel less sick I'll be able to move more towards raw food, not 100% but a large amount. I need some omphh. After 3 weeks without running I've started again. Slow and only 30 minutes but thats fine. I plan to drop it to 20 mins when necessary but try to keep it up 3 times a week, ever hopefull!

I had my first scan on Monday and baby has head, body, limbs and heartbeat. Its always so moving the first time you hear a heart beating in something to small. Flo is delighted and hoping for a sister this time. Eben isn't so keen on the idea of two babies around the place.

I've managed to get my drinking under control at last, one small beer or glass of wine occasionally at home and a couple of glasses if we go out. Luckily anymore than that makes me feel foul. A good reason for morning sickness at last. I need to stop the tea though as that makes me feel bad too but I seemed to be totaly addicted to it. I have been drinking less, I'll have to get back to juicing carrots!

Topamax

Topamax is a medication that is normally used for epilepsy but has been found to help migrane suffers and heavy drinkers/alcoholics to reduce their drinking down to sensible levels and helps them loose weight at the same time. It is best used with supplements and more info can be found here

Topamax info and supplements

See the links in the right hand column if you want to buy cheap topamax

I did it and the lumberjack.

I did it! I got through day 1 without a drink and it wasn't anywhere near as hard as I thought. In fact it was easy and without a drink I didn't feel sick in the evening, brilliant. I did have two cups of tea though which meant I kept having to get up to wee which was a pain but I felt great. I'm sure I can keep it up as I wouldn't enjoy it with the feelings of worry about the health of this baby. Normal kids are hard enough sometimes. Most of the time they are lovely though. We heat our house with wood there is a stove in each room. Yesterday I was bringing in large pieces for the fire downstairs. We had already bought in a sack of small stuff for up stairs. Gwilym saw me stacking wood by the fire so started taking bits out of the sack to stack them too. It was adorable. Hes been walking less than two months and he was marching back and forth with bits of wood, he gave himself a little clap when he placed each one by the fire. This morning he finished the task and has emptied the sack.

Running and Archangel Michael

I went for a fantastic run yesterday. My friend and I ran for 40 minutes, the first 10 were awfull and we were both hoping the other would suggest turning back. She hadn't ran for 4 weeks as she has a hernia and it was my first run since realising I am pregnant. It was hard work but we both felt wonderfull afterwards.
I the evening I had a glass of white wine which was nice and my immediate thought was that I didn't want another and that even though I had drunk in my other pregnancies and my kids are okay this one might be different and I would feel really bad if I had an alcohol damaged child. So what did I do, I had a second glass of wine then a third. I would have liked more but had to stop myself. What a pilloc!!
I again prayed for help stopping, help with cutting the attachment I have to alcohol. I asked Archangel Michael to help me. Why can't I stop, why can't I cope with feeling well and energetic? So many questions and so few answers.
I have been drinking sunflower seed milk and crapple juice in a bid to get more raw foods inside me. I had a great salad at lunchtime of lentil, brocolli and clover sprouts with avocado, sunflower seeds and home grown lambs lettuce. It was very tasty and very filling. Last night I had a cooked dinner. So far today I've had nutmilk, tea and toast. Gwilym was up at 6am so I'm feeling cream crackered again.

Pregnant Again!

I spoke to my sister in law the day after Ebens birthday and she asked why I wasn't pregnant yet. I'd always said I wanted no kids or 4. I'd been thinking next year would be a good time to have number 4 that way it would be done before I was forty and there would be decent gaps between them. I got off of the phone and checked to see when my period was due and then realised why I had been feeling sicky all week, not because I was drinking too much but because I'm pregnant, oh boy oh my! How the hell am I going to cope? I feel shattered, I'm excited and I'm scared too. I'm going to need serious amounts of energy here. I don't want to stop running yet but how am I going to run, continue breastfeeding Gwilym and grow a new person too? The only way I can see getting that sort of energy in through a raw, live diet and of course the booze has to go. I found stopping completely impossible in my last pregnancies but this time I'm going to have to try. I know I'll find support on various forums but I need to commit to myself and family first. I have made a big salad for lunch of mushrooms, red cabbage, shallots, spinach, pumpkin seeds and raisins. I'm not sure about the raisins now I've tasted it but I can't take them out now and the kids should like them. I've also made some rejuvelac and have lots of sprouts going. I'm going to try lots of nut milk smoothies too. I just feel I have to get in as much good grub as possible then the cravings for wine and junk food should go away, shouldn't they?

Ebens Birthday

It was Ebens fourth birthday yesterday so we invited all his class for a party. 11 children came, all with presents so Eben was in his element. The funny this was that they were as excited by his presents as he was. Flo did a magic show, they played with ballons and bounced on the beds. It was great fun. We did a buffet for the kids and adults that stayed and served orangina and white wine. I managed to stay off the wine till the party was nearly over so did make a prat of myself and didn't have a hangover this morning. I ate lots of fatty things and that really seems to do the trick for me. I ran this morning which was the first time in a couple of weeks because of the snow, it went really well despite wanting to turn round after 5 minutes because my nose was numb!

Trouble Signing In

Its taken me since last Tuesday to log on again. Eben is well at last, I have recovered from yesterdays hangover induced by a lovely evening with Florence and Hervé but am feeling at odd with the world and especially Griff. Giving up drinking would probably help but I feel so shitty that this is my crutch, even if its a bit of a wonky one.

Not just Tits, Shashi Chips

Gwils is really eating well now, not just breast milk at last. This evening we have had a veggie curry with Shashi chips, Shashi being the person that taught Griff to cook little cubes of potato in oil, garlic, mustard seed, cumin seed and paprika, yummy. The boys ate loads. They are as fun as ever. Eben didn't want an afternoon sleep as he doesn't want to get big and strong any more.
I'm enjoying writing again and have at last started my website, I've got the template up and running, I just need some content. There is plenty in my mind just not much coming out through my fingers.
Still drinking, still wondering why.
Getting back into sprouting which is great as I love my sprout salads. The running is going well too. Just need to sort out the baby so he sleeps at night so I can. He is walking since the new year which should tire him out!
So welcome back and happy new year.

Self Esteem and Sleep Deprivation

Since Gwils decided to grow his first four teeth all in one go he hasn't been sleeping well and I seem to be suffering from that and drinking too much. It hardly seems worth going to all the effort of stopping again though as I never feel happy with the energetic person I become. I'm not confident being that person. Perhaps it also gives me the energy to do all the things I've been avoiding doing for one reason or another. I was wondering why I have such low self esteem and got a sort of an answer today, its because I'm a nasty unforgiving person, that's what Griff thinks about me anyway. There are a couple of people whose behaviour I really don't like but am thrown into a relationship with via Griff and he just thinks I should ignore their nastiness and forgive them. So once again we are going back to the UK for the school holidays to do our duty.
I really can't get my head round the fact that if someone in your family treats you like shit you have to ignore it and forgive them because they are family but you wouldn't take that from someone else and the family member who treats you like shit wouldn't do it to other people as they wouldn't want to upset them but as you are family and have to forgive them then that's okay.
Is all this problem in my mind just caused by the drinking? It doesn't help in the long run that I know.
Over the years I have read so many self help books about finding your own path but every time I try and step onto mine I feel I am dragged back by people who don't want me to change or they'd like me to change in the way they think I should. Well that's todays rant, I had to get it off of my chest

Drinking, Allergy and Depression

Last week seemed to go by in a blur. I binged on Sunday and the depression hit me like a brick on Monday. I felt like I'd been run over by a bus. I was looking at the book 'Seven weeks to Sobriety' and relooked at the bit about types of drinkers. I had come out as an allergic addicted type which I had thought of as odd, she talks about cravings being triggered by chemicals and perfumes that are related to alcohol and I thought thats not me then I looked at the symptoms of binging then crashing with depression and I remembered that I'd had my hair analysed last year and that mentioned chemical overload causing me problems and ding on went the little light. I had never really followed the program as I had always hoped I could just cut down, but if I'm allergic to alcohol then thats not likely to go away.
So many people seem to want to stop for a while and then get back to social drinking. I'm begining to wonder if that can ever be possible and why if you can stop go back to consuming a poison, for the shere hell of it!
We are so conditioned to think that drinking is an essential part of life, there must be a way to stop that. I need to look at the hypnosis programs and see if there is something there that would help.
I'm also back on the tea and not doing well with raw food either. Why am I programed to feel sh*t as much as possible. That said I had a fantastic run on Thursday. We did a route that took us 43 mins before in under 40 which is fab. We were so pleased with ourselves that we ran again yesterday, unfortuanatly we were tired from Thursday and ran for a very difficult 33 mins. We are both amazed by how much we have progressed even running once a week. We have got used to having complete rest for a week and running again 2 days later was hard but we'll get there.

Becoming Vile

As I get fitter through exercise, eating better and drinking less I find that my tolerance for alcohol has gone down. Last night I had a pint of beer, I turned down a second as we had Veros kids here and I knew we'd drink some white wine when she came to collect them. We shared a bottle of wine between the 3 of us. I then reheated supper and Griff went to get some red wine. He got it from our barrel in the cellar. Its nearly empty (was 200 litres) and had started to turn vinegary. I really didn't need or want any but was going to have some anyway but it was too horrid. I then became vile, the wine was foul, it had ruined my dinner etc. Griff bravely offered to get me something else but fortuanatly I knew I didn't need or want any so said no.
How often does alcohol have that effect on us, to make us behave horribly or make us ill and yet we still say we don't want to give it up, its such fun, to be vile and puke?!

Catch up and Raw Challenge update.

Time seems to have flown by. Griff got home on Friday, knackered as usual after working hard then driving the 8 hours home. At the end of my weeks raw challenge I felt fantastic. I had dropped down from 58kg to 55kg. The last time I weighed that was when I stopped breastfeeding Flo, six years ago. Since then it has been creeping on. I weighed 62kg at the begining of last year and was 72kg by the time Gwils was born, so to be down to 55 is great. Several people have commented about the weight loss and my clothes are baggy. I've been running twice since last Thursday. I did the same route on Sunday and it took me 45 minutes. Last night I did it in the other direction with Flo on her bike and Griff on his with Eben in the front seat and Gwils in the back pack. That took us 43 minutes. 12 or so years ago I did it in 31.5 minutes! A long way to go yet. I was wondering how I had ever done that but at the end I sped up and the speed is still there, my pulse went up to 177 wereas it had been about 152 most of the way round.
We met Suzan and Robert at the top of the hill and were invited in for a glass of rosé. For some silly reason (ie I still can't say no) I said yes and went in and rehydrated on wine. I can feel it this morning. I'd been drinking at the weekend too. Not very much but once started I start drinking everyday again. I managed 6 days again. I need to start the hypnosis again. I have another called staying stopped so need to listen more often. Its daft because I felt so much better, as if I was rejuvenating. But as I said to Griff I think what I find hard is feeling better, I'm not used to feeling well and having drive and energy so I scupper my efforts each time to get back to normality, which is tired all the time and dragging myself through the day on tea and wine and then the consequences on mind and body of both of those. I just have to keep doing this untill feeling well becomes normal.

Raw and Running

Nearly 5 days into my raw food challenge and only one slip up. I actually felt quite sparky this morning which is quite amazing for me. I'm normally dragging myself from one end of the day to the other.
I ran with my friend Florence yesterday. Its great having a weekly rendez-vous as it gets us both out even when we don't feel like it. Despite the fact that neither of us had run for a week we both felt we were running better. We ran for 42 minutes round a block that last time I ran it alone in June took 46 mins. Admitidly 10 years ago I used to take un 35 and managed a record of 31 and a 1/2 once. We were both very pleased with it. After that though I felt hungry all day and didn't seem to have anything I fancied. I'd run out of carrots to juice and just caved in at dinner time and had carbonara pasta with the kids. Never mind. I'm back on track today and feeling good about it. I may have lost a couple of kilos but our scales are a bit dodgy and by tomorrow I may well have put them back on! I had a glass of wine with Robert at lunchtime and really didn't feel very good after it. I then kept thinking I should have tea to make myself feel better or that I should have more wine in the evening to do the same thing. How daft is that? Take the thing thats making you feel sh*t and have some more. Sounds daft doesn't it, but how many of us do this with alcohol, cigarettes, some foods and other drugs?

Caffeine Withdrawal

Has anyone in here got any advice for caffeine withdrawal. I have found in the past that when I manage to cut down my tea intake that its easier not to drink alcohol. I have been at the stage a number of times that I drink nothing but tea and wine and the tea gets me going in the morning and the wine keeps me going in the evening (or at lunchtime) it seems a vicious cycle. I've now managed 4 days in a row without the booze, making 13 alcohol days in 21/2 weeks. That's great, but I'm trying to stop the tea. On sat and sun I just had 2 cups a day and was fine, yesterday none and was fine too but today its gone down hill. I started to get a headache this afternoon which got worse and worse. After I got back with the kids I was feel sick and weak and achy. I felt vile absolutely vile. I read somewhere the fact that aspirin doesn't work and that aspirin with caffeine in is best. I didn't have that so made a cup of tea, I wanted to go to bed but needed to feed the kids etc. the older ones are fine but the baby is crawling and pulling himself up on things and my partner is away this week. In short I couldn't cope and had to get it to stop. I also took some paracetamol, some homeopathic Nux Vomica and some bicarb. Half an hour after that lot and I feel much better. The kids are in bed and I'm off too, at 8.20pm!!I can't believe how sh*t it made me feel. I intend to get through this but don't like the fact that it may happen again tomorrow, I read somewhere that caffeine wd symptoms can last 9 days, arggh! I may have to wait till G gets back so I can go to bed if I need too.Has this happened to any of you?

I wrote that last night on a forum. This is how its going this morning.

Guess what happens when you drink tea just before going to bed? You don't sleep well and have to keep getting up to wee. All that water I'd been getting on board just seemed to flood out of me. Hopefully taking some toxins with it.This morning I feel tired, grumpy, tearfull and am having trouble coping with the kids who don't have school on Wednesdays. The baby is pretty grumpy too. I hope hes not withdrawing from the caffeine too. I think he might be. I have a mild headache and feel pretty sicky. I'm drinking loads of raw juices and eating fruit to try and flush the rubbish out. I just want my body back but its not easy. Even though I think my hypnosis downloads are helping last night I didn't listen as I just wanted to be alone.

Raw Food Challenge

I receive a daily email from The Garden Diet, its a raw food inspiration one. They gave a challenge for people to do a week raw, starting yesterday. Since I've been trying to go raw for ages I thought I'd give it a go. I had also read that in one study people on a raw food diet gave up alcohol without any problem. I think all the raw I've been eating this summer has been helping me to feel better but not enough to make me spontaneously give up the booze. I had hoped it would happen all by itself without me noticing but no so here I am, I've started a raw food diet and given up alcohol and caffeine all at once. I've got a headache which I've had all day I guess that the caffeine withdrawal has this is the second full day without a cup of tea. Yesterday I felt horrid. Something was missing but it wasn't really the things I'd given up but I very nearly had one of them just to see if it would help. I felt so shitty that I didn't blog at all yesterday, in the morning the kids had said some funny things but by the evening I just didn't have the right frame of mind. In the end I waited till the children were in bed then listened to my hypnosis downloads. I love the alcohol withdrawal one as its about relaxing and healing and seems to help loads. I'm going to contact them to see if they can do a raw food one.
Since giving up tea and alcohol my salt craving has gone, I used to put loads of celtic sea salt on everything!

Very hungry caterpillars and reincarnation.

Not one very caterpillar but hundreds and on MY cabbages. I've been squishing them and drowned a few. I considered saving a few for the kids to watch especially as Eben did a project about the Eric Carle book at school last year. I try not to use chemicals on my garden and squish the bugs myself when I can. IF I have to live another life for each of the bugs I've squished with my own hands or feet then I've a lot of life times as caterpillers, colorado beetles, greenfly, fleas and slugs to mention just a few to come!!
I'm just off to listen to my hypnosis downloads as I could so very easily pop down to the cellar for a cool bottle of white wine. But I don't really want to and still feel thirsty and don't feel that wine would stop it. I read something about feeling thirst because the body is used to drinks with sugar in so doesn't think its had its fill and keeps you drinking. I'm not sure.

Going Sober Mum, a blog

Going Sober Mum is the name I have used on forums about alcohol addiction. Goingsober.blogspot.com is the blog where I started blogging about my drinking. It was to keep it all anonymous, but my discoveries over the last week have made me feel that people with alcohol addiction shouldn't need to hiding away from the rest of the world. If the stigma wasn't there then maybe more people would get help and that can only be a good thing.
There are many many women out there with a problem, Many pregnant women who find stopping hard, if not almost impossible yet there doesn't seem to be much help apart from AA which does a good job but in my opinion isn't enough. If someone offers a person who stopped smoking 20 years ago a cigarette, they will say no thanks I don't smoke, if you offer a drink to someone who gave up drinking 20 years ago and who still goes to AA, they'll probably say no thanks I'm an alcoholic. Why when someone has managed to free themselves from the clutches of the addiction do we keep telling they have a problem.
I wonder how many people don't try to quit drinking alcohol because they don't want to carry the label 'alcoholic' round their necks all their lives.