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Sunday, October 22, 2006

Self Esteem and Sleep Deprivation

Since Gwils decided to grow his first four teeth all in one go he hasn't been sleeping well and I seem to be suffering from that and drinking too much. It hardly seems worth going to all the effort of stopping again though as I never feel happy with the energetic person I become. I'm not confident being that person. Perhaps it also gives me the energy to do all the things I've been avoiding doing for one reason or another. I was wondering why I have such low self esteem and got a sort of an answer today, its because I'm a nasty unforgiving person, that's what Griff thinks about me anyway. There are a couple of people whose behaviour I really don't like but am thrown into a relationship with via Griff and he just thinks I should ignore their nastiness and forgive them. So once again we are going back to the UK for the school holidays to do our duty.
I really can't get my head round the fact that if someone in your family treats you like shit you have to ignore it and forgive them because they are family but you wouldn't take that from someone else and the family member who treats you like shit wouldn't do it to other people as they wouldn't want to upset them but as you are family and have to forgive them then that's okay.
Is all this problem in my mind just caused by the drinking? It doesn't help in the long run that I know.
Over the years I have read so many self help books about finding your own path but every time I try and step onto mine I feel I am dragged back by people who don't want me to change or they'd like me to change in the way they think I should. Well that's todays rant, I had to get it off of my chest

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