Home made Christmas tree

The kids like to have a Christmas tree, I think they look pretty but don't like seeing all those trees chopped down each year. The land would be better planted with fruit or nut trees or just trees that stay there and look pretty all year round.

I thought about buying an artificial tree, but thats brings up the problem of plastics etc so I decided we'd make a tree. I had planned to use wood but then chose to try one out in cardboard first and it was so good we decided to keep it.

Griff has bought me a chestnut tree to plant in the garden so this year we have two Christmas trees one live one that will go on to feed us in years to come, yummy roast chestnuts and another from a recycled cardboard box and secondhand decorations and some decorations made by the kids. We'll be making paperchains this weekend.

Dry or Wipe ?

I recently read about the amount of paper that is used to wipe our bums with. Its an enormous amount. Then I read about it here http://nakedfoodcafe.blogspot.com/2007/11/doing-paperwork.html

We have an outside dry toilet and at one point used old newspaper but it wasn't really absorbant enough so we started buying proper paper. We try and use as little as possible and encourage the children to do the same. They are pretty good but sometimes the appeal of the cardboard tube becomes too much and down the loo goes the paper!

I was sent this picture yesterday and I just had to post it. Is this the solution? :)

8 skipping ropes

My house is full of so much stuff, I can't believe how much. I am not a tidy person and have become a hoarder. I like to recycle and reuse things so everything is kept, just in case! I have started on the kids room which is a tip. Flo has 8 skipping ropes and she can't even skip :)

Do I just tidy the mess or do I get rid of it. Today I listened to so tapes I'd copied off of the radio and they are definatly going in the bin, one even had me singing on it, yuck yuck yuck. I cut that one so noone could get it out and listen to it, it was awful.

Sometimes I'd just like to throw everything away and start from scratch. So much of the stuff is stuff we have been given and whilst it is so often usefull and the kids are dressed mostly like that it is still too much but I don't like to say no and so the cycle goes on and on. I cleared my desk yesterday and it is so much nicer sitting here now than it was. 

Intuition and Bananas

To make use of your own intuition you have to trust it, COMPLETELY!

I was reminded of this on my friend Connies blog. Its something you have to do during childbirth. Odd things happen when giving birth and you just have to trust that they are right for you or to know clearly when they are not and to act on it. I can do it then but its not easy the rest of the time, which voice is intuition, which comes from my mind and is based on learnt behaviour and which is just down right addiction (this is the easiest to spot, the cravings for bread and wine are a big give away!)?At the start of my pregnancy my inner voice kept telling me to eat fruit, my mind kept saying 'Why? I don't like fruit.' I chose to listen and found myself not only enjoying fruit but eating more raw food than I ever had. It went wrong when I stopped listening and followed what was expected of me when in England and I didn't get back to it. Its getting better now but I have to listen to my intuition about what to eat NOW, not in the morning when I'll start my new diet, but NOW when I feel like carrot juice or nettles.

In the summer Connie started a new blog called Banana Island and along with her family she followed a mono fruit diet for a while. I was envious of their commitment and found that it seemed like such a good idea. I don't think I'll do that as my intuition is screaming green and wild foods to me. Not just nettles but the great selection of wild green stuff that grows around me. I will listen to my intuition and I will do it and get fit and well and happier than imaginable, I just have to trust.

Thank you Connie for your blogs and the inspiration that they give.

http://nakedfoodcafe.blogspot.com/

http://bananaislandgetaway.blogspot.com/

5 weeks, ALREADY?!

Wow, I can't believe Arwen is already 5 weeks old, time has really flown. I am typing this with her asleep in the baby carrier. She spends most of her time in someones arms and sleeps in with us at night. Some people have said ''oh, you don't want to get them used to being carried around and picked up when they cry'' my answer to that is that I would rather my newborn learnt that when she needs me that I am there as opposed to learning that she'll be ignored. People also ask if she is good. Is a newborn really good or bad? They have needs thats all and its up to us their parents to make sure they are met.

Mum stayed for just over a week, the kids loved it. I find it hard as she wants to talk all the time and I don't. I'm a solitary person and to be in anothers company all the time is hard. Okay so I have 4 kids but thats not the same and I still need my space.

For Halloween I invited some friends for dinner so the kids could dress up. For a couple of years halloween seemed to get more popular in France but this year nothing, no decorations or costumes in the shops, nothing. We decorated the house and painted the kids faces so they had fun.

I swam for the first time since before Arwen was born on Sunday. I managed a kilometre which is what I was doing before but it is easier to swim at the end of pregnancy than getting back into it a few weeks later! I have been for a couple of runs with Eben and can just about manage a run with a nearly 5 year old! I really want to get running again. Next October I plan to run a marathon, not give birth!

I am still drinking my nettles (occasionally) and have drunk carrot juice again this morning. I have even started some clover and mustard seed sprouts which is the first time since January. Yeh to getting back to raw!!!!!

Placenta Smoothies

When I first read about these my thought was YUCK. But when Arwen was born I was showing Flo the placenta and decided to try a small piece. It should stop post partum hemorrhage and it was suprising fine to eat, not meat like or chewy just warm really. The rest went in the fridge with the intention of burying it in the garden but the more I thought about it the more I thought it would be more sensible to consume it for all the vitamins, minerals and hormones it contains. Some people cook it but I couldn't do that, others dehydrate it and make capsules with it but smoothies seemed the easiest way to go and the rawest. I cut the placenta into inch cubes and froze most of it. It was odd cutting up a part of me but then I thought about cutting up dead meat and I can do that and this wasn't even something that had been killed it had just finished its job.
I have nearly finished all the pieces. I just blend one with water and half a banana or a pear and it just tastes of the fruit that is in it. I guess that is what has been helping me to continue to feel so well. Arwen is a lovely baby, she suckles and sleeps and loves to be in my arms much of the time. School holidays start on Friday so we will all be together everyday and my Mum is coming too so that should be quite an experience!

A lovely Sunday

What a lovely day we've had. Griff took the 3 eldest kids to the swimming pool this morning and I stayed at home with Arwen and cooked Sunday lunch, I love raw food but still have a thing about Sunday lunch. They got back and we all ate together with Arwen at the table too in her Daddy's arms. My complete family together, lovely. After lunch most of us slept a while then we went out for a walk round the wood behind our house. Griff and Flo ran, Eben zoomed off alone and us slow ones pootled behind and kicked through the chestnut leaves on the ground. The sunshine was brilliant and it was warm. We've since had supper together and the kids are in bed and I'll be going soon, Griff is watching the last quarter final of the rugby world cup over at a neighbours.

In all our day has been perfect and so different from what it could have been had I decided on Friday to go to the hospital to give birth. It would have been spent in an overheated room with people popping in all day, the kids would have gone up the walls when visiting etc.

Homebirth is definatly the way to go.

PINK PINK PINK !

We are so delighted, we have a little girl. She is called Arwen Elenor and was born at home yesterday evening. Labour was short but hard, I still feel ecstatic now but am glad to have my family complete and not have to do that again. Birthing at home with just the family is so much nicer than being in a hospital. Its hard work for Griff though running round after us being parent, cook, midwife, cleaner etc. The children are delighted with the baby, Gwilym is a little unsure which is to be expected so everyone is paying him that little extra bit of attention. We'd have been really pleased with a boy or a girl, but it being a girl really is the icing on the cake.

Here she is.

Cutting cords of attachment

I've just been reading about a book on cutting cords of attachment. It is written by Rose Rosetree who has also written good books on empathy and aura reading. The book is more about spiritual attachments than physical but is relevant to me at the momment knowing that sometime in the next two weeks I'll be severing the bond that attaches me so closely to this baby I am carrying, the spiritual bond will be stronger than ever but the physical one has to go. I also need to break my link with the Internet at times. I have so many things I want to write about but as the computor is attached by cable to the net at all times I tend to surf rather than write. I need to detach the cable and move away for a while and get typing. Addictions are attachments I wonder if the techniques in the book work. At the momment I feel that giving up an addiction is a matter of choice. Its making the choice that is difficult. Sometimes we think we want to give something up but deep down we don't, perhaps that deep down thing is the cord of attachment. I'll have to order the book to find out! 

Nesting and Waddling

I'll be 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I reached the momment were time seems to be standing still. Birth is so close yet so far, I am so looking forward to it but at the same time I don't want it to happen just yet as I love feeling the baby move and the practise contractions. I'm drinking lots of raspberry leaf tea, its nice just to pick them straight from the bush and to nibble of a few raspberrys at the same time. I am still eating loads of fruit but too much cooked stuff. I am knocking out quick meals most of the time and relying to much on staples such as rice and potatoes. Florence and Eben are back at school and eat there at lunchtime. Each evening we have a big salad. Eben seems to have turned into a rabbit and loves his greens at the momment. I need to find a better balance. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the idea of raw that instead of cooking a vegetable I end up leaving it in the fridge until it rots were as if I'd cooked it we'd at least get some good out of it.
I've prepared all the things I need for the baby and have even been down on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor which is very unlike me, definately nesting instinct! I went for an ultra sound scan at 33 weeks and all looks fine, I was very pleased with myself for saying I didn't want to know the sex of the baby, Griff hoped to see but he or she just showed their back so we are both still in the dark. I'm going back to see the midwife on the 17th September then plan to leave it at that. We are still planning on having this baby at home, just us, but the hospital knows about us should I decide to go in.
The swimming pool has been closed for a week and will be for another which is a bummer, the only option left to me now is walking and I'm not doing that very well anymore as I waddle! Never mind I'm doing lots and lots of reading and lounging on the sofa as sitting isn't very comfy either. I read today the theory that nature makes the last month of pregnancy uncomfortable on purpose so that we look forward to birthing, maybe thats true.

Over Eating

I've just taken some pancreatic enzymes to help with my digestion, at others I drink cider vinegar, sometimes gaviscon or bicarb for the acid reflux. Why can't I just simply eat less? Its daft and I know its not just me, people the world over are popping pills for illness's caused by simply eating too much or not eating what is good and natural. Crazy, aren't we all pigs?

I'm Back!

After 3 weeks in England we got back home last Monday. I've got out of the habit of blogging so need to get back to writing down some of these thoughts that whizz around in my head all day. I also need to act on a lot of them and not waste time just surfing for something to do.

I found England hard work to start with but then relaxed and enjoyed seeing people. I hated the car journeys though, the UK is so over populated that short journeys take for ever, 4 hours to cover 80 miles on a sticky afternoon with 3 kids in the car and a dodgy exhaust pipe that pumped its fumes into the car when we opened the windows was not fun for anyone involved!

For the first week I managed to keep up with eating fruit for breakfast and some salad but then it just went wrong, toast, sandwiches, cakes, fish and chips etc etc. The main thing I noticed was how dry eating like that is, its odd because when eating raw I like the dehydrated things as otherwise food is too wet! Balance is needed. I am slowly moving towards raw again, very slowly, its not just me I still have 4 others to feed so we are having lots of salads with or before cooked meals. We had tomato and clover salad today which everyone enjoyed even though the clover is quite bitter. We've been shopping twice since we got back and it just seems daft when I see all the green stuff in the garden which is edible but we don't eat through lack of habit, hence the clover today. We also have blackberries and plums which are delicious even if a little waterlogged. There is actually a little sun today, the first we have seen since getting back, so I'll be back later when I have picked more delights from the garden to eat.

Feeling unwell

Well I really don't think my body appreciated the way I fed it at the weekend. Yesterday afternoon Griff opened a packet of crisps (potato chips) and poured me a glass of rosé. Its odd how even though crisps are so greasy and bad for me that I can't stop stuffing, after that an half a glass of wine I started to feel sick and still feel grotty over 24hrs later. I've eaten a bit of fruit and drunk lots of carrot juice. This evening I tried some scrambled egg and toast, not ideal but was what Griff did for the kids and it looked lovely, it didn't make me feel better worse. I may have picked up a bug as the Griff and the kids haven't been at their best either, or maybe I gave everyone food poisoning with my cooking.

I've got people coming for lunch tomorrow who were already worried that as a brit that I might serve them lamb with mint so I am going to mix lots of salady stuff with some pork and paté so everyone is satisfied. On Thursday we are picnicing with neighbours so we can watch the Tour de France go by together, then Friday we are invited to friends in the evening so my raw food diet is already getting difficult. I just don't want to be ill when we are in England and I don't want my diet exhausting me. This is going to be a real test of how much I can care for myself and not worry about what other people think, tricky!

Pizza and Cherry Tart

My pizza and cherry tart had alot more success with the kids than the curries I made. I served the pizza with a green salad which consisted of shop bought lettuce with garden picked clover, comfrey (tiny amount) and vine leaves. We also had the onion bread with pureéd aubergines and that was good too. We made Eben taste the left over nettle curry and his reaction was one of such horror, he was convinced it was stinging the inside of his mouth. The base of the cherry tart was made of sunflower seeds and cherries and Flo loved it. I have also tried out flaxseed crackers and guacamole with more crispy vine leaves and sage leaves.
At the weekend I again slipped into the world of cooked food and ended up with irritated bowels and bladder. One day of cooked does do too much harm but two causes all sorts of problems. I had some rosé wine too which didn't help matters. I ended up the day on bicarb of soda and vitamins to try and deacidify my body. This morning I woke up achy and craving juices and smoothies. I'm really going to have to watch myself when we are back in the UK for 3 weeks.

Raw Stinging Nettle Curry

Yesterday I spent quite alot of time uncooking, I wasn't feeling in a good mood in the morning and found the food preparation very relaxing. These are the things I made.

1. Sprouted wheat and tomato flat bread / pizza base.

2. Sprouted wheat, onion and poppy seed flat bread.

3. Aubergine marinated in garlic, lemon juice and olive oil.

4. Courgetti with red pepper, basil and nettle pesto and chopped tomatoes.

5. Sprouted wheat pulao 'rice' with raisins and cashews.

6. Courgette cardamon curry.

7. Aubergine, coconut curry.

8. Stinging nettle and coriander curry.

9. Semi dried tomatoes

10. Courgette rings marinated in garlic and chilli and semi dried.

We had the courgettti for lunch, the older kids ate theirs with some protest, Gwilym kept asking for more and yum yumed his way through. We then had some cooked pea soup and garlic mushrooms.

Yesterday evening was a disaster, Flo, Eben and Griff had been swimming and got back late and were tired. Neither kids ate their curries and Griff just ate his with no comment then stuffed on paté, bread and cheese. Gwilym loved the 'rice'. I thought it was all delicious, even the nettle curry which was a fun experiment and one I will do again.

Today I intend to turn the tomato pizza base into a pizza with the semi dried toms and courgettes together with other bits and pieces. I will also purée the marinated aubergine to have with the onion bread. I will serve all that with the white sausages that Griff and the kids bought yesterday. That shows a great improvement in my mood as last night I was going to have all the yummy raw food and they were just getting sausage and potatoes!

Dying or being alive

Last month was one filled with death, a close friend lost her baby a week before it should have been born, 3 close friends lost their dads and our community lost its mayor. The first was by far the hardest to deal with, a little girl who never really got the chance to be alive. Each time I heard of a death I thought 'I don't want to die, thank goodness I'm still alive'. I started to think about what being alive means.
Do we spend most of our lifes dying or are we being alive. I think that as kids we are alive. Look at the joy you see in kids faces and they are truly living. Sometime we start to die, unfortuanatly some sooner than others. The way people treat us adds to this process, so does the stuff we ingest into our bodies. We are taught to think that dying all your life is normal, we have to do as we are told, follow doctors and parents who don't know any better, we are taught that it is better to look after other people than ourselves, putting ourselves first is seen as selfish. I've realised that this is a load of old rot, we need to put ourselves first, learn to love ourselves and get on with living our lives. If we really do what is best for us, for our minds, bodies and spirits then we will feel great and be more there for life. We can take responsability for ourselves, others won't have to give up their lives to look after us. Looking after ourselves doesn't mean ignoring everyone else or not being kind, I just believe that if we really all took care of ourselves we would have more time for others, for having fun with them, not nursing them or listening to their health wows. Changing the way we think isn't always easy, we don't want to give up the way we think, what we eat and drink. I find myself eating or drinking things I don't want to because I don't want to upset others around me, this is just ludicrous. Why should I fill my body with crap just to make someone else happy, why do I feed my own children crap food, just to make them happy? Its daft because feeding them good live food will make them so much happier in the long run as they will feel better and learn that feeling good about being alive is the way to be.
I've been struggling with my raw diet but now realise that the choice is really mine, do I want to be dying or living?

Chocolate Cherry Cake (Raw of course)

On Sunday I decided to unbake a cake. I found a recipe on a friends blog http://www.nakedfoodcafe.blogspot.com and adapted it to suit my ingredients. This is what it came out like.

The base and top for the cake were made from 3 cups dates and 3 cups of brazil nuts and a tablespoon of cocoa powder. I processed them in a food processer with half a cup of water then shaped into two rounds on a greaseproof tray which I put in the freezer for about an hour, till firm.

The filling and topping were 3 cups cherries, 3 tbsps cocoa, 1 cup ground cashews, 2 tbsps honey all whizzed up together. I also put fresh cherries in the middle and on top.

It was so delicious and rich. I'll definatly be doing more unbaking. Thanks for getting me started Connie.

Swimming Flo

On Saturday night we went to a party at Griffs swimming club, there were to be games and races for the children and adults. The first race was for the kids, they had to do 2 lengths (of a 25 metre pool), starting by jumping or diving in, then swimming to a float and swimming underneath it, then more swimming and climbing out onto a float and walking across 2 others, then swimming some more then diving down through a metal cage, swimming to the end, climbing out and jumping back in to do it all again. Flo hasn't joined the swim club yet as the criteria to join is to be able to swim a length unaided. She can just about do it now and will have lessons this summer before joining in September. Back to Saturday, Flo was called over to join in the race and the next thing we knew she was up on the starting block and ready to go first, I was with the boys so sent Griff to keep an eye on her, old mother hen! She jumped in holding her nose but then did the whole length no problem, she got out at the other end not realising she was meant to go again but once told happily jumped back in and did it all over again. We were so proud of her, what a girl!

Bouncing Belly and Vine Leaf Crisps

I am now 5 months pregnant and when I lie down my belly bounces up and down as the baby kicks, I thought I didn't 'see' the movements till later on in the past, but its fun and gives the other kids chance to see their baby brother or sister. I chose not to have an ultra sound at 23 weeks as I can tell that things are growing okay and feel great. One big reason for this scan is to check for abnormalities so an abortion can be performed is desired. I knew I didn't want that so didn't see the point. The other big reason is to find out the gender, everyone is asking me if I know. I did with the other three but this time would like a suprise.

I had a week of eating lots of cooked food and the acid reflux and aching legs came back. After 4 days back on raw things are better again, I have more energy and feel happier. I am really enjoying this pregnancy and feel relaxed and serene about it.

Last night I tried a recipe for green crisps, I used vine leaves dipped in a paste of ground cashew nuts, salt, olive oil, garlic and chilli, then put them in the dehydrator for a few hours to 'crisp' up. Scrumptious!

One Month Raw!

Its been 4 weeks since I started my raw challenge. I've done really well and eaten more fruit than I normally would have done in a year. I still slip up and give in to the toast and butter craving but most of what I'm eating is alive and well. On Friday my failure proved the sucess of this way of eating. I ate cooked all day Friday and had to go to bed early and had terrible trouble waking in the morning, something that was happening frequently pre raw but hasn't happened this month. What else has changed? Since getting back on the carrot and apple juice I have felt much more alert and happy. I guess its the sheer quantity of good nourishment that you can get from juice.
I have used a site called nutridiary to work out how many calories I have been eating and to see if I am eating a balanced diet. A couple of things have suprised me. One is the amount of protein in vegetables, most food composition tables don't even bother with the protein from veg but even a simple courgette has 14% protein, so if you mix fruit and veg its easy to get enough protein. The biggest suprise was related to calcium and iron, even vegan nutrition books don't tell you that there are stacks of both in green leafy veg. Parsley is especially high. About 500g of parsley will provide all the iron and all the calcium most people need in a day. Ok so that is a lot of parsley, but if you juice it its not much to consume and think how much one cow has to eat to provide the meat for the iron and another has to eat to provide the milk for the calcium! I can't believe how much we have been brainwashed, even well known nutritionalists say that a pregnant woman can't fulfil her calcium needs without supplements, cods wallop I say, its just a case of getting used to consuming different foods and believing in what is growing, often beneath our feet.
I plan to continue to eat and drink this way I really feel like its the right thing to do, slip ups will come but won't last for long as this is so much better. I still have urges to drink wine and beer but one glass and my legs feel like they will collapse so that not much fun.
I am now 23 weeks pregnant and feeling great. The acid reflux that had started has stopped and my legs have hardly been achey. I swam 1200metres yesterday so am still able to do some exercise. I tried running a little in the wood the other day but it hurt my belly so had to stop. I'll be able to run at the end of the year so its not much to drop it now. I'll be running round non-stop when I've got 4 little monsters to chase!

Week 3 Raw

This is day 3 of week 3 and things are going well, apart from a major hiccup on Sunday and Monday. I feel better on this diet, the acid reflux has stopped, I have less aches and pains, no hypoglycaemia problems, I feel good about myself and I'm being creative.
Lunch today was tomatoes stuffed cashews and rocket, mushrooms stuffed with garlic and sunflower seed all on a bed of marinated cabbage. It was fabulous.
Tonight is a raw Indian meal, cauliflower and tomato curry, courgette curry, aubergines with cashew nut yogurt and pear and apricot chutney. I'll have mine on a bed of greens and I'll do some brown rice for the others.
Raw food doesn't have to be cold, I warm it through till just above finger hot so the enzymes aren't destroyed but its nicer warm and the flavours mingle better.

Bee Keeping

On Saturday after lunch we went out in the garden. Flo said that she thought the bees were swarming, I said that I didn't think so as they'd been really busy and noisy the day before. We went to look anyway and lo and behold the sky near the hives was just a mass of bees. I hoped it was a swarm coming in to one of our empty ones but no it was one of our going out. Luckily it landed in a bush in the neighbours garden. I let if settle and phoned Griff for instructions. Normally he looks after the bees, I'm not very keen on them but I do know that swarming bees tend to be good tempered as they are on a fun mission and these are slovenian bees that are supposed to be nice natured anyway. Also I didn't want to loose them as we had a hive die off in the winter.

I put a film on for the kids and prepared a box for them, it was a half hive that we had bought the swarms in the year before, I kitted up and got the smoker going. I put the box under the swarm and shook the branch hard. Half the bees fell in the box and the rest on the floor, fortuantly they started to climb up the sides and go in. There were still some bees on the branch and the queen was one of them. She has a blue paint spot on her back. I carried on shaking as bees were coming back to the branch all the time. At one point I saw her fly but didn't see were she went. After a while I put a lid on the box so it was harder for the bees to get out and went and got another just in case I still didn't have the queen but this time they just flew straight out and the ones in the other box had already started to seal the lid down so I decided it was time to leave them and wait to see if they all went in the box or back up onto the branch. I got the kids off to their friends birthday party and went back an hour later. Whoopee they were all in the box. I was so pleased with myself, I'd done something I'd never done before and hadn't been agressed or stung, what a feeling! I waited till dusk and bought the box home. I lifted out the frames put them in an empty hive here at home and shook in the rest.

Sunday was rainy so I put a bag of soaked sugar in the top of the hive for them to eat as they had no reserves. Thank goodness I got them as they wouldn't have survived the rain on Saturday night in the bush they had chosen.

They are still there and flying well. I took some frames of honey from the hive that the swarm had come out off and gave them some empty ones to try and prevent them swarming again, so far so good and the honey is liquid, pure and delicious.

Raw Progress

I've been doing really well with the raw food and have made some really tasty dishes, raw spaghetti dishes, raw lasagne, chocolate brownies and loads of fruit and nuts. I've slipped a couple of times, birthday cake at a friends party, toast and butter when upset. I seem to go straight for that when I'm upset, it used to be tea or wine too but now those are of the agenda its toast and butter I crave.

This morning though I was thinking about having toast and staved it off with fruit, but then the kids wound me up and my immediate reaction was ' I'll have to have toast now'. I wonder if I was just using the upset as an excuse rather than the upset making me want the toast. I haven't had it yet though.

I've ordered a small dehydrator so will be able to do more raw breads and things. Watch this space!

Raw courgette pasta with red pepper pesto

Tonight I sliced a courgette / zuchinni into julieene strips so it looked like spaghetti then in a mixer whizzed up red pepper, basil, sunflower seeds and olive oil and poured over the courgettiti. Delicious and it took about 10 mins max. (If you don't have a julieene cutter you could grate it or very finely slice, or trim slivers with a potato peeler.

I was amazed how good it was, I think it would have been even better just warmed through on a radiator or in the sun for a while but I was too hungry, theres a tiny bit left so I'm off to finish it off!

Binging and back on raw

My sugar cravings have been getting silly and I am still struggling with giving up alcohol completely. I just feel very silly being so unable to stop despite the problems it could cause. On Friday we had some friends over and I drank 3 glasses of wine with dinner which is more than I should have had. The next day I had stomach cramps and the runs and felt crap.
I decided it was time to get sorted and move back towards a raw diet and stop the drinking completely. I had to get rid of the sugar cravings first so on Monday I bought croissants, brioche and a strawberry cake and stuffed all day. I got acid indigestion and aches and pains in my joints and muscles. Yuck.
Yesterday was day 1 raw, I need to be carefull with it and eat enough, so I had avocado, tomato, bananas, dates, kiwi, pear, apple, sunflower seeds, pine nuts and the most foulsome carrot and nettle juice. I also drank lots of herbal tea. I felt fine.
Today I have eaten similar things so far but have been hungry alot and rather gurgly. It could be that I'm still a bit bunged up from all the carbo on Monday and the fruit is fermenting in there. I don't know how raw I'll be, I need to eat enough to feed me, the baby and Gwilym, but I believe that done right raw is the way to go for great health. I have been 'baking' today and made raw spouted wheat and onion bread and flapjack. It is drying behind the wood burner at the momment. The weather has turned colder again so I lit a fire today. Hopefully the spring will be back soon I've loads of plants in the greenhouse that need planting out in the garden, all yummy edible ones!

Tea free and gardening

I've been tea free for a week now. Last Monday I just stopped, I thought of cutting down but just couldn't do it. By Monday evening I was foul tempered with everyone and could feel a headache coming on. Tuesday morning the headache was awful, I tried a paracetemol but that didn't do a thing. Later on in the day I started to feel sick and weak, reading hurt and I just wanted to curl up and die. Luckily the boys slept in the afternoon and I felt a bit better afterwards. I picked Flo up from school and then started to feel worse again. Griff wasn't there as he is doing a life saving course and I was begining to wonder if anyone would get any dinner. I decided to try one ibuprofen and if that didn't work I would go for a cup of tea to ease things. Fortunatly if worked and life went on and early to bed. I've had headaches on and off since then but its getting better and I don't miss it. I'm pretty short on energy and drive though. That said I ran for 20mins on Saturday and at the swimming pool on Sunday managed 1200m which really wiped me out but felt good.
The garden is looking beautifull we have lots of very noisy green frogs in the pond and were lucky enough to see a nymph crawl out of the water butt and transform into a dragonfly, amazing! The plants in the greenhouse are looking great, we are eating salads and the first flowers are forming on the tomatoes. There is also an awfull lot of grass to cut and ground to clear to get the potatoes in. When are we ever going to have the time and the energy to do it all? I've no idea, after Griffs course finishes he has to finish pruning his vines and then a week later should be going down south for a fortnight to work. I'm really glad hes been busy this holiday as it means we've been able to stay here rather than going to England or to my Mums. I'm really enjoying just hanging around.

Fruit and unassisted childbirth

Its really strange how tastes change. I've always hated fruit but find myself wanting to eat it at the momment. Whereas before I liked salads and bean sprouts now I want fruit (as well as meat and veg!) The silly thing is that I've been so wrapped up in the raw food idea that most of our bramley apples have rotted, if only I'd cooked them a little and eaten with cream or ice cream. This evening we had a bowl of pineapple, kiwi and icecream for tea.

I want to try again to give up tea so have been looking into an alkaline diet to help me clear out the tea residues as quick as possible. I'm also drinking less tap water as ours has fairly high levels of lead, arsenic and fluoride which can't be good for me or the baby.

I had my 12 week scan and have seen a midwife. I am not going back for a while. I just feel like this is my pregnancy my last one and I just want to do it my way. I'll ask for help if I feel I need it. Eben was born at home with Griff as the midwife and I hope to do the same again. I've been rereading info on unassisted birth at www.bornfree.com and also listening to my centerpointe cd ( click here for centerpointe info ) that I bought when expecting Eben. It really helped me go inside myself and do what I really wanted to do not what was expected of me. I didn't listen when Gwils was on the way and did what people expected and went to the hospital. It was still a good birth but not as good as at home, snuggled by the fire with a newborn and chocolate biscuits!

Raw crumpets and hotcross buns!

No not raw at all. My change to raw has failed miserably. We went to England for two weeks and the only thing that helped the nausea was carbohydrates and I stuffed and stuffed. All my beansprouts died and I haved grown anymore yet. I'm hoping that as the sun comes out and I start to feel less sick I'll be able to move more towards raw food, not 100% but a large amount. I need some omphh. After 3 weeks without running I've started again. Slow and only 30 minutes but thats fine. I plan to drop it to 20 mins when necessary but try to keep it up 3 times a week, ever hopefull!

I had my first scan on Monday and baby has head, body, limbs and heartbeat. Its always so moving the first time you hear a heart beating in something to small. Flo is delighted and hoping for a sister this time. Eben isn't so keen on the idea of two babies around the place.

I've managed to get my drinking under control at last, one small beer or glass of wine occasionally at home and a couple of glasses if we go out. Luckily anymore than that makes me feel foul. A good reason for morning sickness at last. I need to stop the tea though as that makes me feel bad too but I seemed to be totaly addicted to it. I have been drinking less, I'll have to get back to juicing carrots!

Topamax

Topamax is a medication that is normally used for epilepsy but has been found to help migrane suffers and heavy drinkers/alcoholics to reduce their drinking down to sensible levels and helps them loose weight at the same time. It is best used with supplements and more info can be found here

Topamax info and supplements

See the links in the right hand column if you want to buy cheap topamax

Crushed by Empathy

It should be empowered by empathy but this week it has crushed me. I have been feeling more and more wretched. All efforts to eat well have been met with  hatred of myself and why should I bother, noone else cares about me etc. I was standing in the kitchen earlier trying to work out why I hate myself so much and why I was looking for a knight in shining armour to come and save me? Then it clicked! I have a friend who has been depressed and she is always looking to be saved by a man who will treat her like a princess. I realised that I was partly feeling her emotions and was able to let them go. Its like a fog cleared and I feel so much better. I guess that I was feeling a bit down due to feeling tired and sick and so my defences were down when she came to see me on Thursday and I just let it all in. I'll have to remember next time to shield myself.

I did it and the lumberjack.

I did it! I got through day 1 without a drink and it wasn't anywhere near as hard as I thought. In fact it was easy and without a drink I didn't feel sick in the evening, brilliant. I did have two cups of tea though which meant I kept having to get up to wee which was a pain but I felt great. I'm sure I can keep it up as I wouldn't enjoy it with the feelings of worry about the health of this baby. Normal kids are hard enough sometimes. Most of the time they are lovely though. We heat our house with wood there is a stove in each room. Yesterday I was bringing in large pieces for the fire downstairs. We had already bought in a sack of small stuff for up stairs. Gwilym saw me stacking wood by the fire so started taking bits out of the sack to stack them too. It was adorable. Hes been walking less than two months and he was marching back and forth with bits of wood, he gave himself a little clap when he placed each one by the fire. This morning he finished the task and has emptied the sack.

Frightened

I'm worried how we'll cope, we have very little money and a baby on the way. I had started sewing and making jewelry to sell but now I'm pregnant I have lost my self confidence again. What can I do to make more money? I don't want to ask the state for money but I might have to. This is so daft why does money have to mess so many things up?

Sunday Lunch

Sunday lunch is a very special meal for me, I love my roast meat and roast potatoes with gravy and veggies. It doesn't have to be meat either a good nut roast can be just as delicious. I used to do a chestnut and mushroom one which was great. Today we had roast chicken with roasted potatoes and carrots and steamed cauliflower, lovely! I had been reading about FAS (foetal alcohol syndrome) this morning so when Griff served me a glass of white wine I was cautious and felt bad about every sip. What if today was the day for forming something important and its just been messed up by alcohol? The problem was that once the first glass was finished I wanted more, I wasn't happy with one glass and wanted more. I had another one of white and a glass of red. It's got to stop I'll have to just stop completely at least untill I've got out of the habit.

Sunday lunch is the reason I am in this situation, a Sunday lunch when I was 17. I had always said I didn't want children, when I was a little girl and other kids talked about how many children they would have I thought they were mad, I didn't want any and if faced with a baby had no idea what to do to entertain it. Anyway on this particular Sunday my boyfriend took me to a friends house for lunch. They had 4 kids and I was charmed by the big country kitchen and the familiness of it. The kids were great and I decided I would either have no kids or four. It must have been deeply imbedded in my consiousness as when I started to think that 2 was enough I found out I was expecting the third and since then well its been obvious that four it would be, although twins could be fun, taking it up to five but lets wait till the first scan for that and heres hoping for girls!

Running and Archangel Michael

I went for a fantastic run yesterday. My friend and I ran for 40 minutes, the first 10 were awfull and we were both hoping the other would suggest turning back. She hadn't ran for 4 weeks as she has a hernia and it was my first run since realising I am pregnant. It was hard work but we both felt wonderfull afterwards.
I the evening I had a glass of white wine which was nice and my immediate thought was that I didn't want another and that even though I had drunk in my other pregnancies and my kids are okay this one might be different and I would feel really bad if I had an alcohol damaged child. So what did I do, I had a second glass of wine then a third. I would have liked more but had to stop myself. What a pilloc!!
I again prayed for help stopping, help with cutting the attachment I have to alcohol. I asked Archangel Michael to help me. Why can't I stop, why can't I cope with feeling well and energetic? So many questions and so few answers.
I have been drinking sunflower seed milk and crapple juice in a bid to get more raw foods inside me. I had a great salad at lunchtime of lentil, brocolli and clover sprouts with avocado, sunflower seeds and home grown lambs lettuce. It was very tasty and very filling. Last night I had a cooked dinner. So far today I've had nutmilk, tea and toast. Gwilym was up at 6am so I'm feeling cream crackered again.

Self Worth

This afternoon I feel so tired and grumpy, I've failed with my diet and feel like I've failed myself. No one else has any time for me its just want want want. I desperatly want to sleep and even though he can see that Griff then comes out with maybe we could do some gardening. Why can't he just do it if he wants to but no that means I'm being lazy. Lazy old Suzanne who always needs someone telling her what to do. Why can't I just sort myself out? I'm not alone in often thinking that someone else should help me even though I know that is not true. The anwer and the solution to all our problems is inside of us. The problem is beliveing enough in our value to find it. As children we have to ask for everything, we need to but soon adults start telling us no you can't have that, don't be so selfish, at the same time our parents are still doing things for us and efforts to do things ourselves are stopped as we won't do it well enough, quick enough etc, we might do it wrong. Then we learn about doing things for others, its good to do things for others but we mustn't feel pleased with ourselves that would be egotistical. We have to look after others as it's the done thing. This doesn't work though does it as we learn that people can't cope without others to do things for them and we start to wonder why no one wants to do things for us. At the same time we don't let our partners do things as they won't do them as well as us, we start parenting our parents and if our parents are like us they are looking for someone to save them too even though they 'know' life is about doing things for others.

When we see people who do things for themselves and who do well we say aren't they selfish.

Surely there should be a way of doing things for others but at the same time being responsible for ourselves. If everyone was in the main responsible for their happiness then it would be okay as others would need less of us. It doesn't mean we wouldn't have friends and be able to be nice and give gifts etc but it might mean that less of us would feel worthless and that we should always be fullfilling other peoples needs rather than our own.

Feeling Shattered

My salad was tasty yesterday but seemed to be missing something, bread or pasta I think! I was glad for the mushrooms as they gave a soft texture, red cabbage can be a bit too crispy on its own. In the afternoon I made some regular bread as we had friends coming for an aperitif and we wanted to serve our home made paté with it. I know it doesn't go with a raw food live diet but we buy an organic pig each year from our neighbour. He grows grain and lentils too so perhaps I'd be better of just buying that. I have 4 chunks of bacon hanging drying in my bedroom and one ham in the kitchen, the two from this year should be here soon. At least it means that when I give in to cravings its for quality meat. I drank wine last night, I'm not sure how much but not an enormous amount, the nausea hits me too quickly and I was busy eating loads and talking. We had a big bowl of mixed raw nuts and dried fruit too which was tasty.
I seem to have back ache already which is ridiculous and irritable bowels too. I've started taking flax seed for the omega 3 fats and to help clear out my insides. The magnesium and calcium supplement should help that too as well as with the feeling of constriction in my chest and throat that I seem to be having every so often. I also feel shattered its an odd sort of tiredness, I don't really want to sleep as I don't feel it will go away. I didn't have it during pregnancy number one but with the other two I did. I remember saying good night to Flo at 8 oclock and her saying 'its not bed time yet' and I went to bed and she stayed up. Now they all go to bed at 7.30 so I have time to rest after they have gone to bed.

For lunch we had spinach and lettuce salad with some lamb ribs that we bought the other day. I poured myself a glass of wine but managed to stop after one mouthfull. This evening we had salad with raw humous and I did potatoes for the kids and of course gave in and had some too.
Did I mention the massive Yorkshire pudding I did to go with the lamb? No, well I guess I should have. When I saw the fat that had come out I thought it was a shame that I hadn't done potatoes to roast in it so I knocked up and enormous Yorkshire to go with it. It was delicious but not really very raw and energy giving!

Pregnant Again!

I spoke to my sister in law the day after Ebens birthday and she asked why I wasn't pregnant yet. I'd always said I wanted no kids or 4. I'd been thinking next year would be a good time to have number 4 that way it would be done before I was forty and there would be decent gaps between them. I got off of the phone and checked to see when my period was due and then realised why I had been feeling sicky all week, not because I was drinking too much but because I'm pregnant, oh boy oh my! How the hell am I going to cope? I feel shattered, I'm excited and I'm scared too. I'm going to need serious amounts of energy here. I don't want to stop running yet but how am I going to run, continue breastfeeding Gwilym and grow a new person too? The only way I can see getting that sort of energy in through a raw, live diet and of course the booze has to go. I found stopping completely impossible in my last pregnancies but this time I'm going to have to try. I know I'll find support on various forums but I need to commit to myself and family first. I have made a big salad for lunch of mushrooms, red cabbage, shallots, spinach, pumpkin seeds and raisins. I'm not sure about the raisins now I've tasted it but I can't take them out now and the kids should like them. I've also made some rejuvelac and have lots of sprouts going. I'm going to try lots of nut milk smoothies too. I just feel I have to get in as much good grub as possible then the cravings for wine and junk food should go away, shouldn't they?

Ebens Birthday

It was Ebens fourth birthday yesterday so we invited all his class for a party. 11 children came, all with presents so Eben was in his element. The funny this was that they were as excited by his presents as he was. Flo did a magic show, they played with ballons and bounced on the beds. It was great fun. We did a buffet for the kids and adults that stayed and served orangina and white wine. I managed to stay off the wine till the party was nearly over so did make a prat of myself and didn't have a hangover this morning. I ate lots of fatty things and that really seems to do the trick for me. I ran this morning which was the first time in a couple of weeks because of the snow, it went really well despite wanting to turn round after 5 minutes because my nose was numb!

Trouble Signing In

Its taken me since last Tuesday to log on again. Eben is well at last, I have recovered from yesterdays hangover induced by a lovely evening with Florence and Hervé but am feeling at odd with the world and especially Griff. Giving up drinking would probably help but I feel so shitty that this is my crutch, even if its a bit of a wonky one.

Sweet sickness

Poor old Eben has been ill again. Gellified sweets at parties just do him in. Its so hard at not even 4 years old to say no when all the others are tucking in. But after an hour at the party he was feeling ill and 72 hrs later he still has tummy ache. Its so hard for him, people give sweets as treats and he is just ill.

Your Mother was Darth Vader

or how to put your foot in it in one easy step! We were watching the last Star Wars film where Darth has saved Luke and become Anakin again and about to die. It made me think that we all have Darth Vaders in our families. Parents who have been drawn to do things that are not best for their children, drawn to do a certain duty rather than be their true selves. We do it to we put aside our dreams for those of others, we drink to much, work too hard and its only later as death approaches that we are able to understand what went wrong and come back to the true self. The parent who was loathed a lot of the time, becomes more loving and loved and then missed all the more when they die. To try and explain this to my friend I used their mother as an example, it went down like a ton of bricks as you can imagine. I tend to do that dive it without thinking and can be insensitive at times. I guess there is good in everyone just they often do their best to hide it.

Not just Tits, Shashi Chips

Gwils is really eating well now, not just breast milk at last. This evening we have had a veggie curry with Shashi chips, Shashi being the person that taught Griff to cook little cubes of potato in oil, garlic, mustard seed, cumin seed and paprika, yummy. The boys ate loads. They are as fun as ever. Eben didn't want an afternoon sleep as he doesn't want to get big and strong any more.
I'm enjoying writing again and have at last started my website, I've got the template up and running, I just need some content. There is plenty in my mind just not much coming out through my fingers.
Still drinking, still wondering why.
Getting back into sprouting which is great as I love my sprout salads. The running is going well too. Just need to sort out the baby so he sleeps at night so I can. He is walking since the new year which should tire him out!
So welcome back and happy new year.