Self Worth

This afternoon I feel so tired and grumpy, I've failed with my diet and feel like I've failed myself. No one else has any time for me its just want want want. I desperatly want to sleep and even though he can see that Griff then comes out with maybe we could do some gardening. Why can't he just do it if he wants to but no that means I'm being lazy. Lazy old Suzanne who always needs someone telling her what to do. Why can't I just sort myself out? I'm not alone in often thinking that someone else should help me even though I know that is not true. The anwer and the solution to all our problems is inside of us. The problem is beliveing enough in our value to find it. As children we have to ask for everything, we need to but soon adults start telling us no you can't have that, don't be so selfish, at the same time our parents are still doing things for us and efforts to do things ourselves are stopped as we won't do it well enough, quick enough etc, we might do it wrong. Then we learn about doing things for others, its good to do things for others but we mustn't feel pleased with ourselves that would be egotistical. We have to look after others as it's the done thing. This doesn't work though does it as we learn that people can't cope without others to do things for them and we start to wonder why no one wants to do things for us. At the same time we don't let our partners do things as they won't do them as well as us, we start parenting our parents and if our parents are like us they are looking for someone to save them too even though they 'know' life is about doing things for others.

When we see people who do things for themselves and who do well we say aren't they selfish.

Surely there should be a way of doing things for others but at the same time being responsible for ourselves. If everyone was in the main responsible for their happiness then it would be okay as others would need less of us. It doesn't mean we wouldn't have friends and be able to be nice and give gifts etc but it might mean that less of us would feel worthless and that we should always be fullfilling other peoples needs rather than our own.

Back Again!

Our week in England was okay. Griff's Dad is stable, we had a lovely time with mine and we saw my Nanny who is not too bad and several friends too. Since being back we have had flu, I've been feeling foul with a sore throat and catarah that has been bunging up the back of my throat, yuk. The good news was that I felt so horrid a couple of days that I didn't even want to drink. Fortuanatly I'm feeling both physically and mentally better now as I've been feeling miserable and crotchety. I've also realised that when Griff says that something I've said or want to do is crazy it doesn't make me crazy and that if he says I'm paranoid it doesn't necessarily mean its true it may be because he doesn't want to hear what I'm saying. Twice this weekend I told him something enthusiastically and he immediatly answered with a negative statement and reasons why what I said wasn't any good and when I got upset it was me being negative! I sometimes think he takes everything I say in the same way he did the philosophy books at Uni, it has to be critisised it can't just be listened to it has to be improved on. I'm all for self improvement but he makes me feel like everything I say is crap. Not anymore though. I'm going to rise up above the shit. Sometimes I feel like leaving but it is my home and why should I. He wouldn't leave so I'd have to sell up. But at the same time we do get on well and both want basically the same thing, neither of us likes being told what to do though. Anyway I was thinking about the way I would have to change if we split up. I would have to change things so why not change anyway. If I think I could be couragous enough to leave and change then surely I could just do the change bit. Then we'll see if things get better.
I was rereading a book called 'Mending the past and healing the future with soul retrieval' by Alberto Villoldo and something struck me. He was talking about how when he was expecting his first child he was worried about how his life would change and figured that if it was too hard he could just leave and go back to his wanderings then one day he realised that he couldn't follow his path A (At home with partner and child) wholeheartedly if he always had path B in his mind as an escape, so he got rid of the escape route from his mind and found that path A became much easier. How often do we do this? We try and change our selves for the better but hold onto the old path, just in case?
Buy this book in the UK:
'Mending the past and healing the future with soul retrieval' by Alberto Villoldo
Buy this book in the US:
Mending The Past And Healing The Future with Soul Retrieval

A Road Less Travelled

I've finally got round to reading a book called 'The Road Less Travelled, A new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth' Its a very good book about psychoanalysis and love near the end he talks about how most people don't make it to the end of their self discovery due to a fear of the power it gives and also the responsibility. It is easier to have people and things to blame than to take full responsibility for oneself. I can relate to that. When I change my diet and way of thinking radically I feel so much better, capable of doing anything but it takes me away from the people around me so I become fearfull and full back into old habits. Will I ever have the courage to follow my road?
Buy this book in the UK :
The Road Less Travelled
Buy this book in the US :
The Road Less Traveled