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Topamax info and supplements

See the links in the right hand column if you want to buy cheap topamax

Crushed by Empathy

It should be empowered by empathy but this week it has crushed me. I have been feeling more and more wretched. All efforts to eat well have been met with  hatred of myself and why should I bother, noone else cares about me etc. I was standing in the kitchen earlier trying to work out why I hate myself so much and why I was looking for a knight in shining armour to come and save me? Then it clicked! I have a friend who has been depressed and she is always looking to be saved by a man who will treat her like a princess. I realised that I was partly feeling her emotions and was able to let them go. Its like a fog cleared and I feel so much better. I guess that I was feeling a bit down due to feeling tired and sick and so my defences were down when she came to see me on Thursday and I just let it all in. I'll have to remember next time to shield myself.

I did it and the lumberjack.

I did it! I got through day 1 without a drink and it wasn't anywhere near as hard as I thought. In fact it was easy and without a drink I didn't feel sick in the evening, brilliant. I did have two cups of tea though which meant I kept having to get up to wee which was a pain but I felt great. I'm sure I can keep it up as I wouldn't enjoy it with the feelings of worry about the health of this baby. Normal kids are hard enough sometimes. Most of the time they are lovely though. We heat our house with wood there is a stove in each room. Yesterday I was bringing in large pieces for the fire downstairs. We had already bought in a sack of small stuff for up stairs. Gwilym saw me stacking wood by the fire so started taking bits out of the sack to stack them too. It was adorable. Hes been walking less than two months and he was marching back and forth with bits of wood, he gave himself a little clap when he placed each one by the fire. This morning he finished the task and has emptied the sack.

Frightened

I'm worried how we'll cope, we have very little money and a baby on the way. I had started sewing and making jewelry to sell but now I'm pregnant I have lost my self confidence again. What can I do to make more money? I don't want to ask the state for money but I might have to. This is so daft why does money have to mess so many things up?

Sunday Lunch

Sunday lunch is a very special meal for me, I love my roast meat and roast potatoes with gravy and veggies. It doesn't have to be meat either a good nut roast can be just as delicious. I used to do a chestnut and mushroom one which was great. Today we had roast chicken with roasted potatoes and carrots and steamed cauliflower, lovely! I had been reading about FAS (foetal alcohol syndrome) this morning so when Griff served me a glass of white wine I was cautious and felt bad about every sip. What if today was the day for forming something important and its just been messed up by alcohol? The problem was that once the first glass was finished I wanted more, I wasn't happy with one glass and wanted more. I had another one of white and a glass of red. It's got to stop I'll have to just stop completely at least untill I've got out of the habit.

Sunday lunch is the reason I am in this situation, a Sunday lunch when I was 17. I had always said I didn't want children, when I was a little girl and other kids talked about how many children they would have I thought they were mad, I didn't want any and if faced with a baby had no idea what to do to entertain it. Anyway on this particular Sunday my boyfriend took me to a friends house for lunch. They had 4 kids and I was charmed by the big country kitchen and the familiness of it. The kids were great and I decided I would either have no kids or four. It must have been deeply imbedded in my consiousness as when I started to think that 2 was enough I found out I was expecting the third and since then well its been obvious that four it would be, although twins could be fun, taking it up to five but lets wait till the first scan for that and heres hoping for girls!

Running and Archangel Michael

I went for a fantastic run yesterday. My friend and I ran for 40 minutes, the first 10 were awfull and we were both hoping the other would suggest turning back. She hadn't ran for 4 weeks as she has a hernia and it was my first run since realising I am pregnant. It was hard work but we both felt wonderfull afterwards.
I the evening I had a glass of white wine which was nice and my immediate thought was that I didn't want another and that even though I had drunk in my other pregnancies and my kids are okay this one might be different and I would feel really bad if I had an alcohol damaged child. So what did I do, I had a second glass of wine then a third. I would have liked more but had to stop myself. What a pilloc!!
I again prayed for help stopping, help with cutting the attachment I have to alcohol. I asked Archangel Michael to help me. Why can't I stop, why can't I cope with feeling well and energetic? So many questions and so few answers.
I have been drinking sunflower seed milk and crapple juice in a bid to get more raw foods inside me. I had a great salad at lunchtime of lentil, brocolli and clover sprouts with avocado, sunflower seeds and home grown lambs lettuce. It was very tasty and very filling. Last night I had a cooked dinner. So far today I've had nutmilk, tea and toast. Gwilym was up at 6am so I'm feeling cream crackered again.

Self Worth

This afternoon I feel so tired and grumpy, I've failed with my diet and feel like I've failed myself. No one else has any time for me its just want want want. I desperatly want to sleep and even though he can see that Griff then comes out with maybe we could do some gardening. Why can't he just do it if he wants to but no that means I'm being lazy. Lazy old Suzanne who always needs someone telling her what to do. Why can't I just sort myself out? I'm not alone in often thinking that someone else should help me even though I know that is not true. The anwer and the solution to all our problems is inside of us. The problem is beliveing enough in our value to find it. As children we have to ask for everything, we need to but soon adults start telling us no you can't have that, don't be so selfish, at the same time our parents are still doing things for us and efforts to do things ourselves are stopped as we won't do it well enough, quick enough etc, we might do it wrong. Then we learn about doing things for others, its good to do things for others but we mustn't feel pleased with ourselves that would be egotistical. We have to look after others as it's the done thing. This doesn't work though does it as we learn that people can't cope without others to do things for them and we start to wonder why no one wants to do things for us. At the same time we don't let our partners do things as they won't do them as well as us, we start parenting our parents and if our parents are like us they are looking for someone to save them too even though they 'know' life is about doing things for others.

When we see people who do things for themselves and who do well we say aren't they selfish.

Surely there should be a way of doing things for others but at the same time being responsible for ourselves. If everyone was in the main responsible for their happiness then it would be okay as others would need less of us. It doesn't mean we wouldn't have friends and be able to be nice and give gifts etc but it might mean that less of us would feel worthless and that we should always be fullfilling other peoples needs rather than our own.

Feeling Shattered

My salad was tasty yesterday but seemed to be missing something, bread or pasta I think! I was glad for the mushrooms as they gave a soft texture, red cabbage can be a bit too crispy on its own. In the afternoon I made some regular bread as we had friends coming for an aperitif and we wanted to serve our home made paté with it. I know it doesn't go with a raw food live diet but we buy an organic pig each year from our neighbour. He grows grain and lentils too so perhaps I'd be better of just buying that. I have 4 chunks of bacon hanging drying in my bedroom and one ham in the kitchen, the two from this year should be here soon. At least it means that when I give in to cravings its for quality meat. I drank wine last night, I'm not sure how much but not an enormous amount, the nausea hits me too quickly and I was busy eating loads and talking. We had a big bowl of mixed raw nuts and dried fruit too which was tasty.
I seem to have back ache already which is ridiculous and irritable bowels too. I've started taking flax seed for the omega 3 fats and to help clear out my insides. The magnesium and calcium supplement should help that too as well as with the feeling of constriction in my chest and throat that I seem to be having every so often. I also feel shattered its an odd sort of tiredness, I don't really want to sleep as I don't feel it will go away. I didn't have it during pregnancy number one but with the other two I did. I remember saying good night to Flo at 8 oclock and her saying 'its not bed time yet' and I went to bed and she stayed up. Now they all go to bed at 7.30 so I have time to rest after they have gone to bed.

For lunch we had spinach and lettuce salad with some lamb ribs that we bought the other day. I poured myself a glass of wine but managed to stop after one mouthfull. This evening we had salad with raw humous and I did potatoes for the kids and of course gave in and had some too.
Did I mention the massive Yorkshire pudding I did to go with the lamb? No, well I guess I should have. When I saw the fat that had come out I thought it was a shame that I hadn't done potatoes to roast in it so I knocked up and enormous Yorkshire to go with it. It was delicious but not really very raw and energy giving!

Pregnant Again!

I spoke to my sister in law the day after Ebens birthday and she asked why I wasn't pregnant yet. I'd always said I wanted no kids or 4. I'd been thinking next year would be a good time to have number 4 that way it would be done before I was forty and there would be decent gaps between them. I got off of the phone and checked to see when my period was due and then realised why I had been feeling sicky all week, not because I was drinking too much but because I'm pregnant, oh boy oh my! How the hell am I going to cope? I feel shattered, I'm excited and I'm scared too. I'm going to need serious amounts of energy here. I don't want to stop running yet but how am I going to run, continue breastfeeding Gwilym and grow a new person too? The only way I can see getting that sort of energy in through a raw, live diet and of course the booze has to go. I found stopping completely impossible in my last pregnancies but this time I'm going to have to try. I know I'll find support on various forums but I need to commit to myself and family first. I have made a big salad for lunch of mushrooms, red cabbage, shallots, spinach, pumpkin seeds and raisins. I'm not sure about the raisins now I've tasted it but I can't take them out now and the kids should like them. I've also made some rejuvelac and have lots of sprouts going. I'm going to try lots of nut milk smoothies too. I just feel I have to get in as much good grub as possible then the cravings for wine and junk food should go away, shouldn't they?

Ebens Birthday

It was Ebens fourth birthday yesterday so we invited all his class for a party. 11 children came, all with presents so Eben was in his element. The funny this was that they were as excited by his presents as he was. Flo did a magic show, they played with ballons and bounced on the beds. It was great fun. We did a buffet for the kids and adults that stayed and served orangina and white wine. I managed to stay off the wine till the party was nearly over so did make a prat of myself and didn't have a hangover this morning. I ate lots of fatty things and that really seems to do the trick for me. I ran this morning which was the first time in a couple of weeks because of the snow, it went really well despite wanting to turn round after 5 minutes because my nose was numb!

Trouble Signing In

Its taken me since last Tuesday to log on again. Eben is well at last, I have recovered from yesterdays hangover induced by a lovely evening with Florence and Hervé but am feeling at odd with the world and especially Griff. Giving up drinking would probably help but I feel so shitty that this is my crutch, even if its a bit of a wonky one.

Sweet sickness

Poor old Eben has been ill again. Gellified sweets at parties just do him in. Its so hard at not even 4 years old to say no when all the others are tucking in. But after an hour at the party he was feeling ill and 72 hrs later he still has tummy ache. Its so hard for him, people give sweets as treats and he is just ill.

Your Mother was Darth Vader

or how to put your foot in it in one easy step! We were watching the last Star Wars film where Darth has saved Luke and become Anakin again and about to die. It made me think that we all have Darth Vaders in our families. Parents who have been drawn to do things that are not best for their children, drawn to do a certain duty rather than be their true selves. We do it to we put aside our dreams for those of others, we drink to much, work too hard and its only later as death approaches that we are able to understand what went wrong and come back to the true self. The parent who was loathed a lot of the time, becomes more loving and loved and then missed all the more when they die. To try and explain this to my friend I used their mother as an example, it went down like a ton of bricks as you can imagine. I tend to do that dive it without thinking and can be insensitive at times. I guess there is good in everyone just they often do their best to hide it.

Not just Tits, Shashi Chips

Gwils is really eating well now, not just breast milk at last. This evening we have had a veggie curry with Shashi chips, Shashi being the person that taught Griff to cook little cubes of potato in oil, garlic, mustard seed, cumin seed and paprika, yummy. The boys ate loads. They are as fun as ever. Eben didn't want an afternoon sleep as he doesn't want to get big and strong any more.
I'm enjoying writing again and have at last started my website, I've got the template up and running, I just need some content. There is plenty in my mind just not much coming out through my fingers.
Still drinking, still wondering why.
Getting back into sprouting which is great as I love my sprout salads. The running is going well too. Just need to sort out the baby so he sleeps at night so I can. He is walking since the new year which should tire him out!
So welcome back and happy new year.

Empathy

I've known for several years that I'm an emotional empath, that a posh way of saying emotional sponge. No, its more than that its not just taking up peoples emotions but feeling like they do. It hasn't happened for a while and I think that when pregnant and with a small child that the link between us is so strong that it blocks out others to an extent. Any way I knew it was back when we were on the boat, I firstly found myself totaling drawn into a conversation between two women, then later on when one of them spoke to be I could feel how it felt to be her and could hear my voice sounding like hers, its very odd. I've since been rereading Empowered by Empathy by Rose Rosetree (See book links on the right). I was thinking it would be fun to start trying to get skilled at it and wondered if I could sing like a singer if I tuned into one, that would be amazing as normally I groan rather than sing. Now my cold is better I want to try. Something very strange is happening to me at the momment related to movement and music but it deserves a post of its own it may be to do with a past life or just a blockage I'm not sure. I am trying to work it out.

Back Again!

Our week in England was okay. Griff's Dad is stable, we had a lovely time with mine and we saw my Nanny who is not too bad and several friends too. Since being back we have had flu, I've been feeling foul with a sore throat and catarah that has been bunging up the back of my throat, yuk. The good news was that I felt so horrid a couple of days that I didn't even want to drink. Fortuanatly I'm feeling both physically and mentally better now as I've been feeling miserable and crotchety. I've also realised that when Griff says that something I've said or want to do is crazy it doesn't make me crazy and that if he says I'm paranoid it doesn't necessarily mean its true it may be because he doesn't want to hear what I'm saying. Twice this weekend I told him something enthusiastically and he immediatly answered with a negative statement and reasons why what I said wasn't any good and when I got upset it was me being negative! I sometimes think he takes everything I say in the same way he did the philosophy books at Uni, it has to be critisised it can't just be listened to it has to be improved on. I'm all for self improvement but he makes me feel like everything I say is crap. Not anymore though. I'm going to rise up above the shit. Sometimes I feel like leaving but it is my home and why should I. He wouldn't leave so I'd have to sell up. But at the same time we do get on well and both want basically the same thing, neither of us likes being told what to do though. Anyway I was thinking about the way I would have to change if we split up. I would have to change things so why not change anyway. If I think I could be couragous enough to leave and change then surely I could just do the change bit. Then we'll see if things get better.
I was rereading a book called 'Mending the past and healing the future with soul retrieval' by Alberto Villoldo and something struck me. He was talking about how when he was expecting his first child he was worried about how his life would change and figured that if it was too hard he could just leave and go back to his wanderings then one day he realised that he couldn't follow his path A (At home with partner and child) wholeheartedly if he always had path B in his mind as an escape, so he got rid of the escape route from his mind and found that path A became much easier. How often do we do this? We try and change our selves for the better but hold onto the old path, just in case?
Buy this book in the UK:
'Mending the past and healing the future with soul retrieval' by Alberto Villoldo
Buy this book in the US:
Mending The Past And Healing The Future with Soul Retrieval

A Road Less Travelled

I've finally got round to reading a book called 'The Road Less Travelled, A new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth' Its a very good book about psychoanalysis and love near the end he talks about how most people don't make it to the end of their self discovery due to a fear of the power it gives and also the responsibility. It is easier to have people and things to blame than to take full responsibility for oneself. I can relate to that. When I change my diet and way of thinking radically I feel so much better, capable of doing anything but it takes me away from the people around me so I become fearfull and full back into old habits. Will I ever have the courage to follow my road?
Buy this book in the UK :
The Road Less Travelled
Buy this book in the US :
The Road Less Traveled

Self Esteem and Sleep Deprivation

Since Gwils decided to grow his first four teeth all in one go he hasn't been sleeping well and I seem to be suffering from that and drinking too much. It hardly seems worth going to all the effort of stopping again though as I never feel happy with the energetic person I become. I'm not confident being that person. Perhaps it also gives me the energy to do all the things I've been avoiding doing for one reason or another. I was wondering why I have such low self esteem and got a sort of an answer today, its because I'm a nasty unforgiving person, that's what Griff thinks about me anyway. There are a couple of people whose behaviour I really don't like but am thrown into a relationship with via Griff and he just thinks I should ignore their nastiness and forgive them. So once again we are going back to the UK for the school holidays to do our duty.
I really can't get my head round the fact that if someone in your family treats you like shit you have to ignore it and forgive them because they are family but you wouldn't take that from someone else and the family member who treats you like shit wouldn't do it to other people as they wouldn't want to upset them but as you are family and have to forgive them then that's okay.
Is all this problem in my mind just caused by the drinking? It doesn't help in the long run that I know.
Over the years I have read so many self help books about finding your own path but every time I try and step onto mine I feel I am dragged back by people who don't want me to change or they'd like me to change in the way they think I should. Well that's todays rant, I had to get it off of my chest

Teeth, Snakes and Moles

Its looking abit like a graveyard outside our front gate, there is a mole that Beth (our dog) dug out and killed and a snake that Robert got the other day. I've left the mole as my friend Florence has never seen a mole and she is coming to run today. The snake is an ordinary grass snake and quite tiny, not like the ones we saw lots of a few years ago. They were green and yellow grass snakes and quite vicious, they sufocate their victims like a constrictor does. One day I was weeding in the green house and one suddenly shot off, it had been suffocating a large toad. Another day Florence was in her cot, she must have been 2 and she called me asking 'Whats that? I went up and in the corner of the room was a sort of buzzing sound in the plastic bags of clothes that were stored in the corner. I thought there must be a bee or something similar trapped so I started pulling the bags out the way, there in the corner ready to pounch on a entering hand was a large green and yellow grasssnake. I grabbed Flo and took her down stairs and called Griff. We didn't manage to catch the snake and it went back out via a hole in the stone walls. They are thick old walls and must be full of passages used by all sorts of vermin. The plastic bags that were near the snake had tooth marks in them, rather the bags than me. The next day I was sitting on loo when I heard a hissing there it was up in the rafters above my head, hissing at me for disturbing it. Later on though Beth found it in the greenhouse and we managed to deal with it. I don't mind the snakes out in the surrounding countryside but I really don't appreciate them in my house with the small children.
Gwils has grown both bottom teeth at once and slept little in the process so am feeling knackered.

Odd Socks

As I hung the washing out I thought that just for once I was going to have washed all pairs of socks but there in the bottom of the basket was one solitary one, the pair of one that got put in the odd sock box yesterday. Where do the other socks go?
Its apple picking day today. Our Bramelys look fab, they go a lovely bright red here, I also need to dig up the last of the potatoes. The juicer has been working hard this morning with a mix of carrot, apple and beetroot juice. We are supposed to be doing a raw challenge week but had left overs from yesterdays rib of beef which had to be eaten. We even ate all the fat as it was very expensive fat. We had friends round with their 3 children. Its amazing how the numbers grow now, you think lovely, Laurence and Stephan are coming for lunch then you realise you are cooking for 10!
Gwills has nearly got is first tooth and is suffering with it, he has a cold with it and a sore bum, we had to resort to calpol, which seemed to help immediatly and he is now asleep. Eben is knackered and trying very hard to avoid having an afternoon sleep, he has just got in trouble with his Dad which is a shame as he wanted to take him to cut Lucs lawn on the tractor mower.