Sweet sickness

Poor old Eben has been ill again. Gellified sweets at parties just do him in. Its so hard at not even 4 years old to say no when all the others are tucking in. But after an hour at the party he was feeling ill and 72 hrs later he still has tummy ache. Its so hard for him, people give sweets as treats and he is just ill.

Your Mother was Darth Vader

or how to put your foot in it in one easy step! We were watching the last Star Wars film where Darth has saved Luke and become Anakin again and about to die. It made me think that we all have Darth Vaders in our families. Parents who have been drawn to do things that are not best for their children, drawn to do a certain duty rather than be their true selves. We do it to we put aside our dreams for those of others, we drink to much, work too hard and its only later as death approaches that we are able to understand what went wrong and come back to the true self. The parent who was loathed a lot of the time, becomes more loving and loved and then missed all the more when they die. To try and explain this to my friend I used their mother as an example, it went down like a ton of bricks as you can imagine. I tend to do that dive it without thinking and can be insensitive at times. I guess there is good in everyone just they often do their best to hide it.

Not just Tits, Shashi Chips

Gwils is really eating well now, not just breast milk at last. This evening we have had a veggie curry with Shashi chips, Shashi being the person that taught Griff to cook little cubes of potato in oil, garlic, mustard seed, cumin seed and paprika, yummy. The boys ate loads. They are as fun as ever. Eben didn't want an afternoon sleep as he doesn't want to get big and strong any more.
I'm enjoying writing again and have at last started my website, I've got the template up and running, I just need some content. There is plenty in my mind just not much coming out through my fingers.
Still drinking, still wondering why.
Getting back into sprouting which is great as I love my sprout salads. The running is going well too. Just need to sort out the baby so he sleeps at night so I can. He is walking since the new year which should tire him out!
So welcome back and happy new year.

Empathy

I've known for several years that I'm an emotional empath, that a posh way of saying emotional sponge. No, its more than that its not just taking up peoples emotions but feeling like they do. It hasn't happened for a while and I think that when pregnant and with a small child that the link between us is so strong that it blocks out others to an extent. Any way I knew it was back when we were on the boat, I firstly found myself totaling drawn into a conversation between two women, then later on when one of them spoke to be I could feel how it felt to be her and could hear my voice sounding like hers, its very odd. I've since been rereading Empowered by Empathy by Rose Rosetree (See book links on the right). I was thinking it would be fun to start trying to get skilled at it and wondered if I could sing like a singer if I tuned into one, that would be amazing as normally I groan rather than sing. Now my cold is better I want to try. Something very strange is happening to me at the momment related to movement and music but it deserves a post of its own it may be to do with a past life or just a blockage I'm not sure. I am trying to work it out.

Back Again!

Our week in England was okay. Griff's Dad is stable, we had a lovely time with mine and we saw my Nanny who is not too bad and several friends too. Since being back we have had flu, I've been feeling foul with a sore throat and catarah that has been bunging up the back of my throat, yuk. The good news was that I felt so horrid a couple of days that I didn't even want to drink. Fortuanatly I'm feeling both physically and mentally better now as I've been feeling miserable and crotchety. I've also realised that when Griff says that something I've said or want to do is crazy it doesn't make me crazy and that if he says I'm paranoid it doesn't necessarily mean its true it may be because he doesn't want to hear what I'm saying. Twice this weekend I told him something enthusiastically and he immediatly answered with a negative statement and reasons why what I said wasn't any good and when I got upset it was me being negative! I sometimes think he takes everything I say in the same way he did the philosophy books at Uni, it has to be critisised it can't just be listened to it has to be improved on. I'm all for self improvement but he makes me feel like everything I say is crap. Not anymore though. I'm going to rise up above the shit. Sometimes I feel like leaving but it is my home and why should I. He wouldn't leave so I'd have to sell up. But at the same time we do get on well and both want basically the same thing, neither of us likes being told what to do though. Anyway I was thinking about the way I would have to change if we split up. I would have to change things so why not change anyway. If I think I could be couragous enough to leave and change then surely I could just do the change bit. Then we'll see if things get better.
I was rereading a book called 'Mending the past and healing the future with soul retrieval' by Alberto Villoldo and something struck me. He was talking about how when he was expecting his first child he was worried about how his life would change and figured that if it was too hard he could just leave and go back to his wanderings then one day he realised that he couldn't follow his path A (At home with partner and child) wholeheartedly if he always had path B in his mind as an escape, so he got rid of the escape route from his mind and found that path A became much easier. How often do we do this? We try and change our selves for the better but hold onto the old path, just in case?
Buy this book in the UK:
'Mending the past and healing the future with soul retrieval' by Alberto Villoldo
Buy this book in the US:
Mending The Past And Healing The Future with Soul Retrieval

A Road Less Travelled

I've finally got round to reading a book called 'The Road Less Travelled, A new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth' Its a very good book about psychoanalysis and love near the end he talks about how most people don't make it to the end of their self discovery due to a fear of the power it gives and also the responsibility. It is easier to have people and things to blame than to take full responsibility for oneself. I can relate to that. When I change my diet and way of thinking radically I feel so much better, capable of doing anything but it takes me away from the people around me so I become fearfull and full back into old habits. Will I ever have the courage to follow my road?
Buy this book in the UK :
The Road Less Travelled
Buy this book in the US :
The Road Less Traveled

Self Esteem and Sleep Deprivation

Since Gwils decided to grow his first four teeth all in one go he hasn't been sleeping well and I seem to be suffering from that and drinking too much. It hardly seems worth going to all the effort of stopping again though as I never feel happy with the energetic person I become. I'm not confident being that person. Perhaps it also gives me the energy to do all the things I've been avoiding doing for one reason or another. I was wondering why I have such low self esteem and got a sort of an answer today, its because I'm a nasty unforgiving person, that's what Griff thinks about me anyway. There are a couple of people whose behaviour I really don't like but am thrown into a relationship with via Griff and he just thinks I should ignore their nastiness and forgive them. So once again we are going back to the UK for the school holidays to do our duty.
I really can't get my head round the fact that if someone in your family treats you like shit you have to ignore it and forgive them because they are family but you wouldn't take that from someone else and the family member who treats you like shit wouldn't do it to other people as they wouldn't want to upset them but as you are family and have to forgive them then that's okay.
Is all this problem in my mind just caused by the drinking? It doesn't help in the long run that I know.
Over the years I have read so many self help books about finding your own path but every time I try and step onto mine I feel I am dragged back by people who don't want me to change or they'd like me to change in the way they think I should. Well that's todays rant, I had to get it off of my chest

Teeth, Snakes and Moles

Its looking abit like a graveyard outside our front gate, there is a mole that Beth (our dog) dug out and killed and a snake that Robert got the other day. I've left the mole as my friend Florence has never seen a mole and she is coming to run today. The snake is an ordinary grass snake and quite tiny, not like the ones we saw lots of a few years ago. They were green and yellow grass snakes and quite vicious, they sufocate their victims like a constrictor does. One day I was weeding in the green house and one suddenly shot off, it had been suffocating a large toad. Another day Florence was in her cot, she must have been 2 and she called me asking 'Whats that? I went up and in the corner of the room was a sort of buzzing sound in the plastic bags of clothes that were stored in the corner. I thought there must be a bee or something similar trapped so I started pulling the bags out the way, there in the corner ready to pounch on a entering hand was a large green and yellow grasssnake. I grabbed Flo and took her down stairs and called Griff. We didn't manage to catch the snake and it went back out via a hole in the stone walls. They are thick old walls and must be full of passages used by all sorts of vermin. The plastic bags that were near the snake had tooth marks in them, rather the bags than me. The next day I was sitting on loo when I heard a hissing there it was up in the rafters above my head, hissing at me for disturbing it. Later on though Beth found it in the greenhouse and we managed to deal with it. I don't mind the snakes out in the surrounding countryside but I really don't appreciate them in my house with the small children.
Gwils has grown both bottom teeth at once and slept little in the process so am feeling knackered.

Odd Socks

As I hung the washing out I thought that just for once I was going to have washed all pairs of socks but there in the bottom of the basket was one solitary one, the pair of one that got put in the odd sock box yesterday. Where do the other socks go?
Its apple picking day today. Our Bramelys look fab, they go a lovely bright red here, I also need to dig up the last of the potatoes. The juicer has been working hard this morning with a mix of carrot, apple and beetroot juice. We are supposed to be doing a raw challenge week but had left overs from yesterdays rib of beef which had to be eaten. We even ate all the fat as it was very expensive fat. We had friends round with their 3 children. Its amazing how the numbers grow now, you think lovely, Laurence and Stephan are coming for lunch then you realise you are cooking for 10!
Gwills has nearly got is first tooth and is suffering with it, he has a cold with it and a sore bum, we had to resort to calpol, which seemed to help immediatly and he is now asleep. Eben is knackered and trying very hard to avoid having an afternoon sleep, he has just got in trouble with his Dad which is a shame as he wanted to take him to cut Lucs lawn on the tractor mower.

Nuts

It's nut season. We have been gathering walnuts and chestnuts. In fact Griff and the kids collected most. I went for what was supposed to be a vigorous walk yesterday and the hunter gatherer in me just couldn't resist all those chestnuts all over the path.
I'm going to try eating a chestnut raw to see what its like, I think roasted will probably be the best option though.

Slimming Magic Knickers

I can't believe that one of the google ads on my sight is for slimming magic knickers! Can the ad bots see mine?
What ads are there now?

Harry Potter Stove

We now have a stove just like the one in the Gryffydor dorm in our house. It looks great and is warming the house nicely. I just hope our wood delivery comes soon. The neighbours got theirs this morning. Good job its not sold by weight as it rained so much yesterday that it must be drenched.
Griff and the kids have gone chestnuting. The rain and wind should have knocked loads down. Flo had chestnuts for breakfast, yummy. We have a big creamy salad for lunch with cheese. I am trying to up our raw protein intake to help the neurotransmitters!
I've also still got loads of grapejuice so will whizz up some nettles in it later.
I ran this morning, I did a circuit that took 33 mins on Sat with Florence, it took me 38 mins today, and we thought we where running badly on Saturday! Florence didn't come over today as she was too tired and she has to work tomorrow. Maybe I'll get Griff to run with me and get Vero to look after Gwils for an hour.

Grape Picking and Nettle Juice

Each year the picking of our grapes messes me up. I get torn between the fact that I really shouldn't be drinking and the fact that I will anyway so I ought to help pick. I didn't go on Wednesday to pick the white but went with the kids on Friday evening to pick the rest. There isn't a great deal so we are going to make rosé rather than red. We are also going to do the unheard of and save some as grape juice. I'm going to freeze some rather than heat treat it to keep the enzymes intact.

The pic is of Griff pressing the white grapes! We got the kids in to do the rest. They loved jumping up and down with the juice ooozzing between their toes.

I also need to get back on the other juices, I have been adding nettles to my carrot juice or apple juice. They should be a good purifier. I've just got to get my head round the fact that its okay for me to feel good and have energy. Where did my self esteem go, did I have any?

Drinking, Allergy and Depression

Last week seemed to go by in a blur. I binged on Sunday and the depression hit me like a brick on Monday. I felt like I'd been run over by a bus. I was looking at the book 'Seven weeks to Sobriety' and relooked at the bit about types of drinkers. I had come out as an allergic addicted type which I had thought of as odd, she talks about cravings being triggered by chemicals and perfumes that are related to alcohol and I thought thats not me then I looked at the symptoms of binging then crashing with depression and I remembered that I'd had my hair analysed last year and that mentioned chemical overload causing me problems and ding on went the little light. I had never really followed the program as I had always hoped I could just cut down, but if I'm allergic to alcohol then thats not likely to go away.
So many people seem to want to stop for a while and then get back to social drinking. I'm begining to wonder if that can ever be possible and why if you can stop go back to consuming a poison, for the shere hell of it!
We are so conditioned to think that drinking is an essential part of life, there must be a way to stop that. I need to look at the hypnosis programs and see if there is something there that would help.
I'm also back on the tea and not doing well with raw food either. Why am I programed to feel sh*t as much as possible. That said I had a fantastic run on Thursday. We did a route that took us 43 mins before in under 40 which is fab. We were so pleased with ourselves that we ran again yesterday, unfortuanatly we were tired from Thursday and ran for a very difficult 33 mins. We are both amazed by how much we have progressed even running once a week. We have got used to having complete rest for a week and running again 2 days later was hard but we'll get there.

Another week over

Yet an other week of school finished, time flys. Eben is learning not to be a thug. His teacher says he likes to fight and has hit the little ones. The youngest kids are only 2 1/2 he is 3 1/2. He also puts sand on their heads in the sand pit. The last two days he claims to have been good.
Flo is doing well, I managed to help her with her homework and get it wrong this week. My excuse is that French isn't my first language, but I shouldn't be making simple grammatical mistakes like that.
Gwils is busier and busier. Hes crawling on hands and feet, no knees and standing up at every opportunity.

Becoming Vile

As I get fitter through exercise, eating better and drinking less I find that my tolerance for alcohol has gone down. Last night I had a pint of beer, I turned down a second as we had Veros kids here and I knew we'd drink some white wine when she came to collect them. We shared a bottle of wine between the 3 of us. I then reheated supper and Griff went to get some red wine. He got it from our barrel in the cellar. Its nearly empty (was 200 litres) and had started to turn vinegary. I really didn't need or want any but was going to have some anyway but it was too horrid. I then became vile, the wine was foul, it had ruined my dinner etc. Griff bravely offered to get me something else but fortuanatly I knew I didn't need or want any so said no.
How often does alcohol have that effect on us, to make us behave horribly or make us ill and yet we still say we don't want to give it up, its such fun, to be vile and puke?!

Fancy Dress

Why is it some people always look elegant and others always look like they are wearing sacks, sacks in clashing colours of course! This morning Flo was looking smart in an orange tee shirt, khaki skirt, orange socks and orange trainers, but would she wear an orangy coloured cardi, no it had to be the pink one, not bad considering only a few weeks back she said she didn't like pink.
Eben is obsessed with his clothing and if we send him to school wearing clothes he doesn't like he'll change as soon as he gets in. People keep giving us clothes for him and must wonder why he doesn't wear them all. Its partly that he has special clothes that he'll wear and also our kids wear their clothes for 2 days in a row for school. They just don't need clean clothes everyday!
When I was a teenager I was always smartly dressed, but that has drifted to seriously scruffy in the years I've been living in France. I noticed it today when out running with Florence T. this morning. We ran for an hour which is our best so far. She was looking very elegant and seems to keep the same rythm all the time. I was wearing shorts and teeshirt and looked baggy, I also got left behind on all the hills and got back bright red and bedraggled. Will I ever manage to get my dress sense sorted again?

Catch up and Raw Challenge update.

Time seems to have flown by. Griff got home on Friday, knackered as usual after working hard then driving the 8 hours home. At the end of my weeks raw challenge I felt fantastic. I had dropped down from 58kg to 55kg. The last time I weighed that was when I stopped breastfeeding Flo, six years ago. Since then it has been creeping on. I weighed 62kg at the begining of last year and was 72kg by the time Gwils was born, so to be down to 55 is great. Several people have commented about the weight loss and my clothes are baggy. I've been running twice since last Thursday. I did the same route on Sunday and it took me 45 minutes. Last night I did it in the other direction with Flo on her bike and Griff on his with Eben in the front seat and Gwils in the back pack. That took us 43 minutes. 12 or so years ago I did it in 31.5 minutes! A long way to go yet. I was wondering how I had ever done that but at the end I sped up and the speed is still there, my pulse went up to 177 wereas it had been about 152 most of the way round.
We met Suzan and Robert at the top of the hill and were invited in for a glass of rosé. For some silly reason (ie I still can't say no) I said yes and went in and rehydrated on wine. I can feel it this morning. I'd been drinking at the weekend too. Not very much but once started I start drinking everyday again. I managed 6 days again. I need to start the hypnosis again. I have another called staying stopped so need to listen more often. Its daft because I felt so much better, as if I was rejuvenating. But as I said to Griff I think what I find hard is feeling better, I'm not used to feeling well and having drive and energy so I scupper my efforts each time to get back to normality, which is tired all the time and dragging myself through the day on tea and wine and then the consequences on mind and body of both of those. I just have to keep doing this untill feeling well becomes normal.

Getting ready to walk

Gwilym is crawling really well now and pulling himself to standing when ever he can. He also totters along when you hold his hand. Griff is going to find such a difference in him when he gets back today. The kids will be delighted to see him. I hope they continue to be fairly well behaved when he gets here. We all have to get readjusted to each other when he has been away working.
Florence is still delighted with the ducks and has named them Florence, Eben, Jack and Lily. I reminds me of when we used to have poultry and bought our first pair of geese. We called them Hissing Sid and Toad and very quickly realised we were never going to kill them for Christmas. We bought another a month later and called him Roasty. Now he did make a good Christmas lunch. Sid and Toad stayed until Sid was caught by a fox, he must have put up a good fight and defended Toad but didn't make it himself and she just pinned away without him. So what will become of our ducks?

Raw and Running

Nearly 5 days into my raw food challenge and only one slip up. I actually felt quite sparky this morning which is quite amazing for me. I'm normally dragging myself from one end of the day to the other.
I ran with my friend Florence yesterday. Its great having a weekly rendez-vous as it gets us both out even when we don't feel like it. Despite the fact that neither of us had run for a week we both felt we were running better. We ran for 42 minutes round a block that last time I ran it alone in June took 46 mins. Admitidly 10 years ago I used to take un 35 and managed a record of 31 and a 1/2 once. We were both very pleased with it. After that though I felt hungry all day and didn't seem to have anything I fancied. I'd run out of carrots to juice and just caved in at dinner time and had carbonara pasta with the kids. Never mind. I'm back on track today and feeling good about it. I may have lost a couple of kilos but our scales are a bit dodgy and by tomorrow I may well have put them back on! I had a glass of wine with Robert at lunchtime and really didn't feel very good after it. I then kept thinking I should have tea to make myself feel better or that I should have more wine in the evening to do the same thing. How daft is that? Take the thing thats making you feel sh*t and have some more. Sounds daft doesn't it, but how many of us do this with alcohol, cigarettes, some foods and other drugs?